Wednesday, December 29, 2004

doing okay

The holidays are almost done, and I feel nothing about it but relief. The kids got bombarded with a gazillion toys from the granparents, of course way more than they ever need, but there's not much for me to do about that. I've tried directing the grandpaents this year in the route of what they got the kids. As always my mother ignored me cheerfully. I wanted more educational stuff this year. More stuff to help them use their imagination and stretch their minds just a tad. I'm not sure if slot cars fit in that, but they are pretty cool. We had no room for any of these new toys, so I had the kids pick which ones to bag up and store at their grandma's. Eventually most of them will be donated somewhere.

About ten years ago my mom wasn't able to get us anything for Christmas. We had just went through a house fire, and our insurance company wasn't willing to pay us what they owed us for it so my mom had to file bankruptsy. I found out this week that she has been trying to make up for it ever since. She's always tried to get us a bunch of stuff, and since the kids are here she goes overboard with them too. I've told her one christmas not to get me anything, cause I didn't want anything, but to just hang with her, and she got really upset with me about it. I remember fighting with ehr about it all and giving in. I never knew how strongly she felt about her ability to give to others until then. Its just what she craves this time of year.

Our lil fam is doing better. We're kind of trying to renovate how we are with each other. I've tried blogging about it in the past, but everytime I've found myself without words, and the one time I found the words, I changed my mind about sharing. I needed to get it out, but I realized I need to be ready to get it out. I look at our family, and of course we aren't perfect....that wouldn't be interesting I don't think anyways, but we were starting to fall off our paths and focus on God by confusing our priorities. Hopefully we can get back on track soon enough.

Asa has been a riot lately. He's talking on a whole new level, druel everywhere, and even tries to scoot while on his belly. But he's not even five months old yet, so give him time and he'll be chasing his brother and sister. Mikah's reading like crazy. He's going to be so much smarter than his parents.....ha ha he already is! Kiara is so pretty and has the grandest imagination there ever were. I see this very awesome. She's not up to scale with Mikah or even close, but man oh man she can play and pretend! These lil people rock.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

An Endless Battle

Before I left for Monticello, I was very close to having a nervous breakdown.....and unfortunately this is not an exaggeration. A gazillion tears have been spent, and four and a half days gone and I think I've regained some of my sanity. Still depressed though, and what sucks is that as I wrote that I'm depressed I felt so selfish about it all. On top of that I'm so angry with myself for allowing it to happen. But in this battle, at times, I just want to give in. Throw in the towel. My kids are awesome,drive me crazy every now and then, but still phenominally awesome. But that's all I feel I have right now. I want to be so mad and angry with feels like He's started this mess. But I know this isn't true. That's not the God I believe in. Anymore it just gets so damn hard to breathe. I've held too much in for too long, and I feel as if I'm past full. I want to sleep all of the time. My body is fighting me to recover from the surgery. You can't necessarily take it easy with three kids.

Sorry this post is nothing but complaining, but I have nothing else to write about right now.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

To Freak or Not to Freak....that is the question.

Okay, so my mom is up this week to help me out after my surgury. Tonite I stretch out my back by leaning backwards and it feels very if there's actually something hard in my back where there shouldn't be. I assume its just a muscle knot, but still mention it to my mom who is a nurse. She feels what I'm talking about and gives me this very concerned/freaked out look.........yeah! So I ask her why she's appearing this way. She says, "I don't know" in a calm manner, but her eyes are still bulging. So I ask her again, she just repeated herself. So then I ask her why the heck she keeps this wigged out look on her face. She tells me she's never felt anything like that before! then I ask her if I should be concerned....."I don't know.....if its there in the morning.....maybe?" Nothing against my mom but she's got me freaking just a little. I know she's not a doc, but an ER nurse. Please pray for my sanity. This probably is nothing, but I'm still kind of weirded out by it.

Speaking of sanity....I'm off for Monticello for at least a week. I'm hoping to be back friday afternoon.....we'll see.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Just One Of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm alone in what I do. I hate these days.....I soon end up feeling selfish about it all, and then can't figure out why I even feel selfish about it all. I guess I assume too much, or want too much.....but where is the line drawn when you need to ask for help...that sense of huimilty is never there without some selfishness....right? Not a clue here. Just tired of being confused about when to ask for help, when the right time to vent and to whom, and when to just shut my mouth and keep it inside.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

the day after tomorrow??????soon?

I've been finding some info in yahoo news that's been disturbing. Not surprising just sounds too much like a recent movie that came out: The Day After Tomorrow. Anyone who has seen it knows what I mean.....disturbing, not surprising.

What I actually find extremely disturbing is that our country..more specifically our president is failing to give a damn about it. It'll hurt our economy.....boohoo. Our country makes possibly the most pollution of the countries in this world, and yet our administration opted out of the Kyoto Protocol....what a bunch of crud.

Here are the articals that got my attention: bang boom

Granted I suggest you to look and do your own research accordingly, but this just is where mine began.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

A Beautiful Day

These past couple of days I've been trying to read with Mikah a little more, and try to get into the habit of it just to read to the kids. Mikah has a young children's bible that he's recently been digging into. So far he's read to me 5 short stories from it. He's doing extrememly well with reading...I'm in awe. Again...I'm sure I've said this before...I can't take credit for this. About a year ago I showed him the basics and he took what I taught him and flew away with it. Asking questions along the way and observing everything he comes into contact with, he's now reading very close to where a first grader would be. I know one thing, he's very determined to know what is inside the written world. I know this makes his daddy very proud. Kiara looks up to him in so many ways and earlier while he was reading, I noticed the way she was staring at him. The wondering going on inside her brain of how he obtained so much coolness, so much glitter. She's not quite up to speed as Mikah was at her age, but I hope to get her as far as she is willing to go. She's becoming quite the little girl. I hope to spend a good deal of time with her tomorrow, just talking and playing. Of course the boys will be there on and off, but I think we need some girl time. The poor girl only has boys around her most of the time.

One thing I'm realizing more and more is that my time with the kids is very precious. Its passing by so fast, and I'm so glad to be willing to appreciate it. These little kids are our little gifts to the world. They may go by what we teach them, and they may not , but what is important is that they will go knowing that I love them and will always. There are so many things I want to get done before this life is through, but here lately all of those things are easily ignored and set aside, so they don't distract me from my lil babes. I can't imagine what it would be like without the kids. Yeah we'd have so much freedom with time and venturing, and even just doing nothing to be peaceful, but these kids are here now.......and with how we wish to raise them with the curiosity and love, they will probably be with us a very short time after they get older.

I hope I feel this way for the years to come...I pray that I do.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

I've been trying to become more aware of how God is affecting the lives around me. This is how I am working on getting closer to totally trusting God. I believe because I know its right, but then there's that question of why its right....then I get the answer: it just is. This I can accept, but somwtimes my mind plays tricks on me. I don't have a very good past of trusting people, especially no one I've ever seen before. So what am I doing: I'm looking for His traces, embraces, and what is being done. This is proving to be most successful, little by little, but still successful.

I read a lesson by Cedar Ridge Community Church, and it just helped me open my eyes a little more. I found it very interesting, and a good refresher.
We went to Scott's grandparents' this thanksgiving.....both of them. My idea....I'm hoping to have just our parents for christmas ..... maybe I can get them all to come here instead! We'll see though cause my mom works christmas, and I'd want to do it on the same day. We'll see.

We took our handy dandy awesome camera, and by the end of the night Thanksgiving, we took about 94 pictures! insane. but we got some great photos.

Asa has a gloworm.....
does anyone else remember these? I thought it was pretty spiffy. I use to have one when I was a kid.....mighty fun. Here's where he fell asleep cuddling it.


Well hope you all had a great week. I'm recovering today heehee.

Saturday, November 20, 2004


I must first come out and apologize for the big pictures......I fixed them so hopefully they look and load better.

Next I must say how much I love Evanescence's newest cd. The lyrics are awesome and mostly because they are real, and I can relate to most. Below is the song "hello" lyrics. It reminds me of my transition from the box-one size fits all-way of doing church into the nice, calm and relaxed-let's get to know and love another and share His word-by being the church. At least it explains it to me my feelings of it all.


playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to

if i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry

suddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here
all that's left of yesterday

Happy Birthday Kiara


Today is my little Kiara's birthday. She turned 3 today.....where oh where does the time go? She's getting so tall and talking so big, on top of getting prettier every day. (not sure if prettier is a word, but if not it is now!)

My grandmother had her thanksgiving dinner this past Thursday. My Aunt Cindy was able to come up from McKinney Texas with her daughter and future son-in-law, and their daughter. It was awesome to see my cousin again. Now that we're older it seems as though we connect a lot more than ever before. I like this. She's a great person, I really hope to get to know her better. Her fiance seems really nice. He's apprenticing to become an electrician.....braver than me..that's for sure! I get week kneed just thinking about trying to fix an outlet! He should be done in ten months.

My gran had the stomach flu so we saw her for seconds at a time, poor girl. She's feeling much better today though. It was a swarm of kids. There were 7 great grandkids there all under the age 10! This is not a big place either and it was raining on top of that! They all had fun though, which is good.

Here is Kiara, Asa, and Mikah cute! This is so far the best picture I have of all three of them.


Sunday, November 14, 2004

What's Goin On

Yesterday was Asa's 3 month birthday. Absolutely amazing how fast time flies. Also very awesome how much he's doing already. He's talking back to us in his cooing, screechy way; he's standing by pushing his legs while I hold him, and he's even starting to hold himself up on his tummy. It sucks because he's our last lil babe, but then again it rocks for the same reasons. Eventually we all can ride those thrill rides,go skate boarding, roller blading, and whatever else.These are things I could do now, but there are so little times I'm without Asa. I still try to give him a bottle of formula everyday so that when the time comes I can get a couple of hours he's okay while I'm gone.

The holidays are coming. Scott's family on both his mother's and dad's side are celebrating thanksgiving on the same day at different times. Yes, I can probably make it to both, but this is a day where I want to not only relax a little, but actually enjoy the people there. This will only feel very rushed, and when you mix that rushed feeling with being on the road 4 hours in one day, you have very cranky kids and a mom that ends up in stressful tears later on. now I just need to decide which side to celebrate with. Inny minny miney moe..... We''l just have to wait and see.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Vaccinated and Good

I took Asa to his doc appointment today. He's not sick, it was just a well baby check-up. Unfortunately he needed some vaccine shots. I have kept quiet about my worries about this subject. I've been informed recently that there is a very similar substance to mercury that is in the shots for preservation. That of course isn't a kind of thing you would want running around in your little baby's blood. So once the doc came in I stormed him with my concerns and questions. Come to find out, due to the rising concern of parents and medical workers, they no longer put it in the majority of vaccines. So I asked about the minority part, he then told me that all I have to do is request that the vaccine to be without, and they'll choose accordingly. Obviously, today I chose the one without. This does comfort me a lot, because I believe in the reason for vaccinating, but I also need to look out for my lil babes all around.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

praying prayerfully

Wow, I just recently realized that my prayer life has doubled very nicely. I find myself praying for my friends and family almost every chance I get. This is an enormous upgrade in my spiritual computer. I find the more I pray for others, the more confidence and trust I find in God. No, I don't see the answered result of my prayers, but I'm comforted while going through them. This just encourages more prayer, which rocks! Now the next step for me is to dig a lot more into scripture. I suck at that. It always seems like everytime I pick up the bible, I all of a sudden need to direct my attention towards the kids. And when they are sleeping, I tend to get really selfish with my quiet time. I hope to fix this very soon. What I may end up doing is just reading and studying the word online.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Ta Da!

Hey I finally remebered I have a fotopage! Duh! Well here it is!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

REFlection Day

Today is election day...the day where most people cast their votes into a machine so a president can be elected. I didn't vote......I didn't forget to register or anything, I just chose not to. A great many of people would think I'm not doing my part or standing up for what I believe in, but truth be told I am. I don't like how our country's voting system is set up. Not one bit. And this year it was deciding who was the best "actor"....who won your heart with a politician's promise? My brother voted today, and this state's majority lost his vote.....absolutely silly. All I ever hear is about is how everyone needs to vote since they have that right, but I really don't belive my vote wait a does if i choose the right state. I can't say who I would vote for anyways.....yeah I can see what they promise and all, but I can't say I've held that much trust to politicians...they always seem to put too much make-up on a very dirty face...if you catch my drift. I guess that's all about that.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Sick Lil Angel

My little girl, Kiara, is really sick. Yesterday she threw up a couple of times, and just feels awful. Poor girl has it coming out of both ends. At about 1am this morning, she threw up again, but she seemed really pale and was starting to get dark circles under her eyes. I took her into the ER and they ended up giving her an I.V. on top of pedialyte to help boost her fluids up. We finally got out of there at 7:30 am this morning. SHe's really tired, and frankly so am I, so we are going to take today to rest really well. Please pray for her and our fam. I hope it doesn't spread. I've been washing my hands like crazy, my hands are crispy even. I hope its doing the job. thanks.
Wow, what a night for poor lil Kiara. She threw up earlier this afternoon and later this evening she had a temperature. I put her in a cool bath to help bring the temp down. I don't like it when my babies are sick, it sucks. She slept on the couch for awhile, and didn't fight me to go to bed tonite, which is highly unusual...SHE MUST BE SICK! Asa has been a lil cranky too, but his is due to the fact he's too stubborn to stay asleep long enough during the day to where at night he's fighting so hard cause he's so tired.

On top of that I've had a gazillion things on my mind. A big concern of mine is what we are going to do this next year or so. It is so curious.....time will tell, but in the next 2 months we need to decide. This at least gives us time to figure it all out.

Heavenly Father, grant me the patience and the wisdom to see...........amen.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

At Home Just Chilling

Well things have been going alot smoother at home with the kids. I give Asa one bottle of formula a day now, so that when ever I do need to get out, I have the choice of leaving him with Scott. He's slowly getting used to it. At least its only once a day.

Mikah is at his cousin's house, being a wonderful little boy, as well as having lots of fun. He helps without knowing, he keeps Gavin occupied while Delana gets stuff done around the house. Also gives her a big break. He gets to go trick or treating with him this up coming weekend, and he's just thrilled about it.

When he was here at home we started having a bunch of problems with him continuously hurting his sister and not listening to us at all. Diciplining him has been a struggle on what to do and how to do it. It seems like everything we try doesn't get it done, leaving Scott and I terribly frustrated at the situation and each other. I awaiting a book called Boundaries for kids that Bea referred to me. Ihope I can get some better ideas soon. I don't believe spanking is an answer at all for us as individuals.

Kiara has been up and down a lot lately. Although I can tell she's tremendously enjoying her break from Mikah, she misses playing, and even arguing with someone! She has her play animals bicker at each other then kiss and make up sometimes. She was doing excellent on the potty a week or so ago when I was at Scott's mom's house, but we came home and it all went down hill again. We'll keep trying. She's going to be 3 November 19......where in the world does the time go??? While going through her pregnancy, I felt like a wimp, but after and while I was in labor, I felt like superwoman! Crazy, I know, but I never knew I was going through that much pain throughout the pregnancy. She's so gorgeous....we're gonna have a big problem when she grows up......won't be able to let her out of the house! Scott will probably tie her up !

Asa's doing grandiose. He's still growing and probably over 13 pounds now. He's talking at me more, especially when I let it all loose and sing like crazy in front of him...HE LOVES IT! Luckily for Scott, he's at work during. He's busting out of his onsies already, so I'm going to make extensions for them with a piece of cloth and those buttons that go on onsies, that way he can wear them longer.....I just have to figure out that silly sewing machine! We'll see what kind of craziness happens with that!

As for me personally, I'm doing good. I'm trying to figure out what is going to be best for our lil fam this next year. Trying to figure in everything and talk with Scott, and hopefully within the next month or two we will know....that part is a lil stressful only because its so unknown and is a big deal. I think I am handling it all okay though. God has definitely granted me patience at the most needed times, and for that I am most grateful.

I work with Mikah verbally with spelling and small addition, and he's doing awesome with it. Now I just need to have him sit down and write it all out.

I'm thinking about making my own clothes soon. There is way too much crud out there where you would be pimping off some company that doesn't know that quality of a human being's life/lives. This way I can avoid that as well as get exactly the kind of cloths I want. If I get good then maybe I'll make the kids some cloths too! That really depends on how much the sewing machine likes me! Well, I best be off cleaning...doing mommy stuff :) bye!

Monday, October 18, 2004

Long Over Due

It's been a little over two weeks since my last post......but oh well. I have wanted to post so many times, but rarely find the time. And the rare chances whe I do have my hands free, and a moment to sit down and do it, I just want to take a breath and relax.

Its been quite interesting around this house lately. A lot of stress build up, and big questions of the future coming months, as well as the present days. Mikah has us up in a twist, and I'm trying to reverse it. Kiara has been starting to cause some problems as well. And between the both of them screaming at each other and me, its hard to keep Asa asleep, so in mid-day he's nonstop crying and cranky as ever. I just want some peace in the house again.....I find myself exceptionally emotional at the oddest times, and just bawl my eyes out. Unfortunately that never helps.

I'm thinking about switching Asa to formula. It seems as though he eats constantly and formula tends to fill the babies up more than breast milk. I feel like a failure just saying that. I might just supplement formula here and there...not sure yet. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get Asa to eat less frequently I'm all ears. All I know is if I don't have to be feeding as many times as I am, then I would have more time to work with the other two kids. We'll see. I want to talk with my lactation consultant first and see what she has to say.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

New Blog Home

This will be my new blogging home from now on. Thanks for listening.

A Breath Of Thoughts

Here lately I've found myself stressed and a little worn by the kids. Watching myself be the person I try not to be has really brought down my confidence in being at home with them. I get so overwhelmed at times, I never know what to do. All I know is that something needs to change. I'm not sure how yet, but I know prayer will be involved with trying to figure that one out, as well as trial and error. I just want to be a warm loving mom that my children also respect. I can't say I'm that mom right now, or even have been in the past.......but that's what I'm going to start working towards.

I worry how it'll be when school starts. My time feels so scrunched now. I know it'll all get figured out, its just I don't see that part yet...

Wednesday, August 11, 2004


I'm tired and want to go to bed, but this baby won't stop moving around causing some pain, so I wait. I'm hoping that the pain i feel could turn into contractions, but we'll find out soon enough. My body is more than ready, but this baby is being very patient. I spoke to my father on the phone today and it disturbed me. He was pretty lit, and it just reminded of things of the past I have tried to forgive him for. I kind of pray about or at least have prayerful thoughts on it, and try to move on, but my weakness of letting satan keep reminding me about it all is kind of hard. I've always wondered what it would be like to have two parents. I remember shortly after I decided to follow Christ, it was weird calling Him father. I never knew the term before. At least not in a caring sense. A father to follow and let be my guide. A father to love and respect. A father to be happy to be around. I never got that with my own father. I don't have sorrow over this though. My mother was and still is awesome. She cared for us as well as took care of us. I still depend on our conversations together, just for support.well i'm gonna try to lay down and see what happens :) .

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

one piece

Well, still in one piece. Not willingly of course. It sucks cause I feel like a burden on my mom. She's afraid to leave, just in case I have the baby. She hasn't missed a grandchild's birth yet, and isn't too willing to start now. I know she misses her bed though, and wanted to get somethings done at home while she's on vacation. But if I had a button for this little guy's ejection seat, believe me I'd be pushing away :) ! Its been wonderful having her here, she's been helping out a lot, plus I got a ton of things done that probably wouldn't have ever been done without her. I love my mommy.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

lil squirt

Still waiting on this little squirt to come and meet us. I've also got my little babes back, so that has defintely cheered me up. I missed them like crazy. I've never had them gone more than 5 days, so its defintely nice to have htem back. My mom is still here. I hope she stays until the baby comes, but that really depends on how long it will be. Please pray for my nephew. Gavin. He just had surgery to get his adenoids and tonsils removed and they also put tubes in his ears again. Ever since he's been pretty sick and hasn't gotten better. My sister is scared and not sure how to feel or what to think. Plus, she just started a new job, that she'll more than likely have to quit so she can care for him.

Friday, August 06, 2004

the deal

Here's the deal. I'm tired, I hurt everywhere, I miss my kids. My mom has been up this past week for the baby, and still no baby. My due date is Saturday...........this sucks. I'm so ready to never be pregnant again. I love babies, but these pregnancies are getting unbearable. I'm also very anxious to meet this little one. He can't replce the baby we lost, no one can, but he will still make a wonderful addition to our family. I hope its going to be soon. My back is breaking.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Still prego

Still prego , and still waiting. I think I getting pretty close though. Well hope is also there too, but my body just feels like its getting ready. I've been throught his a couple of times, so I hope I'm right in this. Scott's all balled up in anxiety just from the wait of new changes that are to come once the baby is here. I think my braxton Hicks or practice contractions are getting much stronger, and a little bit more frequent, but nothing regular. I must admit, I fear not making it to the hospital in time. I'm already dilated to 2cm and 50% effaced, (well that was three weeks ago I think) and my past labors have done nothing but go by so fast. Heck my last labor went by so fast, I made it to the hospital 30 minutes at most before little Kiara arrived. That's a strange/funny story all in itself.....ahhh what the heck, for those who don't know:

From four months along with my pregnancy with Kiara I was on bedrest up until labor. I had a severe side pain that was the result of the placenta tearing away. It would heal up a little and tear away again throughout the whole pregnancy. Well, since I had the severe pain that whole time, I ended up just getting use to it in a sense. Well Kiara decided at a couple of occasions that she wanted to come early, which landed me in the hospital and on meds that stopped contractions. Finally, between 37 and 38 weeks it was time. That whole day I had done some light cleaning, and even cooked a decent supper for me and my mom. Well she came home, we ate, and just stayed up a little to chat. Well, all of a suddent the pain that I've had this whole time moved to my right side. It didn't worsen or anything, just shifted. Well, my mom being a nurse, I asked her what she thought about it. Well she just thought it must be the same old pain, just having an effect from my day of disobedience from bedrest. It made sense, so I just kind of ignored it, but something in the back of my head told me to go ahead and call my OB nurse and ask her. Well I called her and she told me to get my prego butt in there fast. So I told my mom and Scott what was going on. I was still highly questionable about it being labor, so I told Scott to go ahead and go to work, cause it was probably nothing. So he went, as we left for the hospital. I got in there, they checked my cervix, and I was dilated to 8 centimeters! I think I heard our nurse curse as she and the other nurse were rushing to prep for a delivery. My mom, then, all dropped jaw from shock, rambled off something about a phone and kind of ran to the front desk to call Scott and his parents. Scott's sister called his work to tell them when he showed up to rush to the hospital. Well, Scott arrived about 20 minutes after I got to the hospital, and the doctor showed up about 4 minutes after. within about 5 minutes Kiara was here. I tell you what, she's still impatient to this very day hahahaha!

Now granted I don't have that pain with this pregnancy, I'm probably just making myself nervous, but past experience doesn't help. Either way I hope its soon....I guess this is where Kiara gets her impatience huh, hehhee.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

He Was There

Not too much to say, but felt the urge to get something up. Words just might fly out in different directions, so parden me if they don't mesh together. I came to a big realization today of how much God has took away to help me see Him more. Not really anything materialistic, but more spiritual than anything. He's relieved so many of my petty burdens as well as some of my heavy ones by doing so. Today I got very trapped inside my emotions I could barely tell which way was up. I got so confused of how to feel and be, and wanted to fight my way out of it, but instead cried it all out. I feel better now, just needed a form of release. Prayed my guts out during the whole thing. It almost seemed more like an arguement with God, than anything, but in the end when I gave up, He was there to lift my struggle and give me comfort.


The kids are away at their grandma's until Sunday, just in case we have the baby. I miss them. I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something because they aren't here. That's okay, though they are having a lot of fun with my mom, and nephew, swimming in a pool and having a good old time. I bet they're gonna be tanned when they come back. even just a little. Its been nice being able to relax, though. Also being able to do some cleaning and be able to just do nothing after to recoop.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

where did the kids go?

I'm sitting here, hoping my days worth of walking and doing dishes will cause some steady contractions. Hehehe, not steady, but a few. There aren't getting stronger so they aare probably just the practice contractions that I normally get. What a tease! Oh well. I'm off to bed, hopefully something will happen later. We don't have th ekids. My mother-in-law is between jobs right now (please pray for her, she's kind of down lately) and decided to take the kids for the week, so if I have the baby, we don't have to worry about calling someone to pick them up. So hopefully the baby will come this week. If not, that's okay. Either way, while she has the kids, I'm going to try and do the things that may just help like walking around (the house) and maybe some light cleaning. Hopefully gravity will help. I keep having this fear pop inside my head that my water is going to break before I go into the hospital. My past two labors, my water has always broken in the hospital, so I never worried about it. Oh well, I'll survive if it happens in public, but really hope it waits for the hospital :) . 12 more days until my due date. YAY!

Happy Belated Anniversary!

I had this dream this morning that Joshua, Kristen, and baby Judah came to visit us. The weird thing about this dream is that Kristen in my dream wished me and Scott a Happy Anniversary. Shortly after that I woke up to Scott coming in the room. I realized we both forgot our anniversary yesterday! Our anniversary is July 26, and we BOTH forgot! I think its kind of funny. We obviously didn't plan anything special, but that's ok.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Still Human

I've been having better days. I think I mostly needed to get all of my stress and emotions out to help me realize I'm still human. Tomorrow I'll be 38 weeks along in this pregnancy. The eagerness is getting to me but mostly I'm just ready for the baby and new changes that eill come with him to just happen already. Today has been a long day. Mikah had both an eye doctor's appointment and a dentist appointment, plus we now have to drive my brother to and from work. This was Mikah's first eye docor's appointment, ever. When it was time for the glaucoma test, (where they shoot the air into your eye) , he stepped up very bravely. After they puffed the air into his eye though, he gave me a terrified/confused look. I could tell he wanted to run or scream if not both, so I cuddled with him, and let him bury his face into my side. I talked with him and he just started to tear up. The lady who was conducting the test, said it was okay if he didn't finish and I would just have to sign something. So of course he didn't finish that part of the exam. Gladly, we had some time before he went into the room where the doc would check him out. Him and I talked about the scary test, and I told him it was okay to be scared. He gave me a big hug and then thanked me. I love being a mommy. When we went back to the room, he was very nervous. He kept shoving his tongue in his cheek and tried to cover his mouth out of shyness and anxiety. The doc was very cool and talked to Mikah a lot before he did anything. He did a great job at explaining to Mikah what he was going to do, and that none of it would be scary. Mikah did a great job and has 20/20 vision. Later, at the dentist, when they called him back he just skipped and smiled all the way to the assistant so happily. Another mother sitting there was surprised at how happy he was to go back. I was nervous about it because this wasn't a cleaning. He had to have some cavities filled, and I wasn't too sure how he would be after. He came out just fine. Not as thrilled as the last time but he still was ok and had no bad feelings about the dentist! Very cool. He's my brave little man. He's braver than I am most of the time. He's going to school in a couple of weeks, and couldn't be more excited about it. I couldn't be more scared and nervous about it all. But I have to remind myself that its what's best for right now. He's more than ready,. Heck, he's already starting to read before going in. He's going to have a lot of fun and learn a lot too. I know that his first day I'm going to cry my eyes out, ha ha ha.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Gotta get it out

Today hasn't been a good day. I'm finding myself struggling to even get this out. I'm so full of stress and anxiety today its really starting to drag me into sadness. And then I start to beat myself up cause it all seems selfish and so stupid. My body can't keep up anymore and feels like its crashing hard, but I find myself pushing it overboard just to find some peace. I read that now and it doesn't make sense, but nothing does anymore. I'm tired of the daily battle within myself, and with my family. Sometimes I wish I could just throw away my emotions, cause it gets so hard to handle them, and can never control them. I just to breath it all out today before it gets worse. I use to be so good at holding everything in and keeping some kind of composure, but its impossible anymore. And no I don't want to hold it all in I just want to get rid of it. You can say to me to just stop worrying about it, or to not let it bother me, but if it were that simple you'd think it would be done and mastered. I asked myself today how much of this is hormonal, and must admit that may have something to do with it, but i believe the majority of it all is that I'm overly stressed and feel absolutely horrible, and on top of it all we have so many things going on at the same time. I wish I could just scream for an hour and I'll start to feel better. Right now I feel so worthless because I can't find a way to get this family to work together as a team, and I can't even find a way to calm myself. This is my venting machine right now, and just need to get it all out. Even if I'm the only one who understands what I've written. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Over did it

Yesterday we went to Scott's grandparents' to visit, and we had a good time. I overdid it, surprise surprise, but will be back to my normal self tomorrow hopefully if I can get in some good rest today. I think the kids are going to have a good and well behaved day, their spirits are so up, and sweet. I think yesterday did them some good. For instance right at this very moment, my daughter is at my feet just laughing with me and playing with me. She's getting so into it, she can't stop laughing! It sucks not being able toroll all over with them, but even this is extra awesome and special. She's my little mini-me :) .She has a tomboy side to her, but stil isn't afraid to let her girlie-ness show. She's been trying to learn her colors and is getting so excited about it. She doesn't know it, but she teaches me a lot when she learns by how she learns. She keeps trying over and over again, and makes a point to get thrilled when she does it right, and tries again when she does it wrong. I know it seems like a very simple concept, but its not when you apply it to how you live your life. How you try to follow Christ. Of course we mess up, we are not Christ, but that also doesn't mean we should give up on trying be like Him. The way I figure it is if the world seems very scary now, what would it be like if we didn't have those rare people to care and try to help people? How would this world be worth putting up with if it never had Christ in it? I'm not sure what kind of image I throw out, but I hope my mirror is getting better. Here I go again, just gabbing, but I can't help to think of these things while I look and watch my children. I'm jeolous in the sense that they are the way Christ wants them to be , mistakes and all. But what I can't get over is that I am too. That doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement, there always will be, but my Lord loves me just as I am. Very kewl thought.

Friday, July 16, 2004


What are our restrictions to bend over backwards for someone who needs
our help? Where do we draw the llines? And for what reasons do we draw
the lines? Why is it sometimes easier and more fulfilling to help
a family member than it is a stranger, yet more morally right to help a
stranger? Just some questions I find myself frustrated with in certain
experiences. Where do our priorities lie if we do this?

Awesome news

I went to the doctor Wednesday and found out some great news. I don't have pre-ecclampsia. This is great news, although since I'm far enough along in the pregnancy, it would have been safe to deliver, but defintely great news. We've had a couple of days where I had practice contractions starting to become regular, but they stopped. Scott is defintely on edge with excitement for the baby to come. He's so cute when he gets all giddy! He's a good daddy, and I'm so lucky to have him.

the cost of bending

What are our restrictions to bend over backwards for someone who needs
our help? Where do we draw the lines? And for what reasons do we draw
the lines? Why is it sometimes easier and more fulfilling to help
a family member than it is a stranger, yet more morally right to help a
stranger? Just some questions I find myself frustrated with in certain
experiences. Where do our priorities lie if we do this?

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Prayers and more

It has been a strange week. I have had some awesome experiences as well as some troubling ones. I would like to start with the good for now, cause I want to share these praises as well as acknowledge them.

* I am finally at the okay gestation period where it is okay to have this baby
* Also, after the long hauled pregnancy, I'm almost done, just four more weeks to my due date :)
* I'm beginning to recognize more of what is going on with my spiritual journey and believe that I've made a decent first step back into it
* I had an extremely wonderful conversation with Bea over the phone, and I must say it was very inspiring and encouraging to hear from her. I can't wait for more conversations with her.
* Also Bea is pregnant as well and is due to have her baby VERY soon, and so far her and the baby are well
* I feel my relationships over the internet are growing stronger and really am excited about talking with these people, and also feel like a bond is growing between me and some of the girls I have talked with
* My nephew had an allergy test done last week and it all came out negative
* My nephew is only a couple of weeks away from seeing a dermatologist for his bad skin condition
* My son never ceases to amaze me; he read quite a few sentences to me and daddy out of the blue a couple of days ago, and keeps pushing himself to learn learn learn
*My daughter and I have been having the best conversations lately. I'm finally learning some of the mystery that goes on inside her head. She is talking my ears off and I'M LOVING IT!
* Scott is most likely going to be getting a promotion at Starbuck's, and he's thrilled about it as well are we are so proud of him
* I'm finally headed in a good direction when it comes to schooling. I'm going back to college, and found out that as long as they have the classes available, I can start my first full semester online and at home! I will still have to go in for tests, but this is AWESOME news!
* Also I've been talking back and forth with a woman here in Indy that I really feel connected with and I feel our relationship has nothing to do but grow
I'm sure there is more, but this is all I can think of now.

Now for the prayer concerns and what's been troubling me lately:

There's a girl I mentioned in my last blog or two that had her baby too early. I learned two days ago her baby had past away. Her mother is a wreck, as to be expected. Her and her boyfriend are really shook up about it all and are starting to question God's motives as well as purpose. This is of course natural, but she suffered from depression before this traumatic experience. Please keep her in your prayers and hearts.

Also the woman I have been connecting with has just been put on bed rest with her pregnancy. She is carrying triplets and the doctor just put her on strict bedrest. Strict bed rest is no fun at all, but is necessary at times to keep the babies healthy. Please pray for her and her husband, and the lil fam growin inside her.

I was told by the doc last week that I might have a disease condition called pre-ecclampsia (sp). I will find out for sure tomorrow if I do and will keep you all posted. Pre-ecclampsia can effect your kidneys and liver and can be very dangerous, and the only cure would be to deliver. Its scary, but I am thankful I am close enough to have the baby safely if need be.
I've been showing more symptoms of it more and more, but hopefully its all in my head, ha ha. Find out soon!

Kiara has been acting odd lately. I'm not sure if this is a normal growing stage or if something is really bothering her. She's been very sensitive lately, and bursts into tears so easily over everything. Her cry sounds like a bad hurt cry and makes me wonder why she does this. Just yesterday she just barely tried to open a drawer and within a second knowing it was hard to open she cried like crazy. This has been going on for over a week or more, and just concerns me. Any advice would be helpful on this, I'm not sure if I should be stern with her, comfort her, or what. I want it to stop, but am having a hard time trying to figure out what is best. There's tough love, but if something is bothering her mentally then I think that would do more dammage, but if she's just doing this for attention, then I don't want to comfort her and keep the fire going.

A woman from our church group got a phone call letting her know her mother was in the hospital with a stroke. I heard recently it wasn't a massive stroke, but please keep her in your prayers, as well as her family. I will find out more soon.

Thank you everyone for listening, and for the prayers.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

What's Goin On

Another day without the kids, and the house is empty as ever. I slept in a great deal today, which was quite odd, but still nice. These past couple of weeks I've felt nothing but exhaustion wearing down on me, so I am trying my best to use this time to relax. Last night we went over to Matt and Lori's for prayer and fireworks. It was fun. I stayed in the house with a little girl who was scared of the fireworks. Before this time spent, she had been cautious of me, but during and after this, she warmed up to me very fast, and even went to sit on my lap a couple of times! It was nice to get out of the house. I don't do that too often anymore.

I've been keeping communications with a girl who was pregnant, and soon found out she had her baby 3 months early. Her baby girl, Gwen weighs at 2 lbs, 6 oz. I am still waiting on an update, but I will let you all know as time comes. The mother is 15 and so scared for her daughter. I can only imagine what she's going through.

A praise needs to be let known. My nephew Gaven, who suffers from severe eczema all over his body, finally has an appointment with a dermatologist. My sister has been trying forever to get her doctor to refer him, but the doctor wanted to try somethings first. This poor kid has dealt with this long enough, and I hope that the dermatologist can help. I'm still not sure what's going on with his tonsils and adenoids, I know he hasn't been to the specialist yet, but we will see if he still needs the surgery soon.

What's Goin On

Another day without the kids, and the house is empty as ever. I slept in a great deal today, which was quite odd, but still nice. These past couple of weeks I've felt nothing but exhaustion wearing down on me, so I am trying my best to use this time to relax. Last night we went over to Matt and Lori's for prayer and fireworks. It was fun. I stayed in the house with a little girl who was scared of the fireworks. Before this time spent, she had been cautious of me, but during and after this, she warmed up to me very fast, and even went to sit on my lap a couple of times! It was nice to get out of the house. I don't do that too often anymore.

I've been keeping communications with a girl who was pregnant, and soon found out she had her baby 3 months early. Her baby girl, Gwen weighs at 2 lbs, 6 oz. I am still waiting on an update, but I will let you all know as time comes. The mother is 15 and so scared for her daughter. I can only imagine what she's going through.

A praise needs to be let known. My nephew Gaven, who suffers from severe eczema all over his body, finally has an appointment with a dermatologist. My sister has been trying forever to get her doctor to refer him, but the doctor wanted to try somethings first. This poor kid has dealt with this long enough, and I hope that the dermatologist can help. I'm still not sure what's going on with his tonsils and adenoids, I know he hasn't been to the specialist yet, but we will see if he still needs the surgery soon.

dry road

I've been in a tight struggle with myself for quite awhile. My spiritual part of me is starving, and I've no one to blame but myself. I crave it, miss it....I am depreived of the freedom God has allowed me. My laziness has overcome it, and I am back at the bottom of the ladder, that goes up to my path. Right now it doesn't feel like a journey, it feels like a stopping point, and to go on, I'm not sure what to do. I feel almost empty and have needed to just know that I can do it, and I am worthwhile to do it. I pick up the Bible, and am quick to set it down. I can't seem to find a peace in it all. I'm searching backwards with my eyes closed, and wish I could change my view. I will breathe once again, and hopefully change this dry road I find myself on.