Friday, September 30, 2005

Still Praying......still playing

I went to a job interview today which I was an hour late for......but was still I think, a good interview. I feel it went very well. no answers yet, but hopefully very soon those will come.

Struggling like crazy to stay at my current job during this search for a new one...very difficult mentally to be there around certain people. I think I stay because God has kept that door open during a recent time....and I guess I stay because we rely on that check. What's funny is that when I write that, I feel God saying I don't need to rely on that....I need to rely on Him. I need to recognize that He's the one who provides...not my boss or my job. But I'm not clear on the question of staying on until I find another, or just leaving now to free up more time to find another...... I'm hoping to find this out with a conversation and prayer tonight. I hate feeling pulled in both directions like this....I trust, but is it enough trust? I hear but do I hear it clearly?

I've been playing with the kids more. This is good time and great fun and I wish I had more of it. Homeschooling has been good, with of course some off days, but still good times. I can't even imagine how it would be if we put them in public schools. Granted people do it and their kids come out fine, but this is how the Miller's need to do it right now. Its just good for us. I've struggled with it and probably will at times in the future, but that's natural. And its jusst not easy stuff to do. Its a lot of sacrifice......especially at first, but anymore its not sacrificial to us in how we feel about it. Being able to say this truthfully encourages me for the future.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Reality On Check

A change in coming......scared shitless, but excited. Not sure yet what kind of change, but I really feel God throwing me into it. This I am thankful for,just because I've been lazy in my spiritual walk, and I'm thinking He's finally gotten fed up with me, so here we go. I'm pretty sure this will get interesting. I'll try to elaborate more when I find the right words.

So What Exactly Are You Trying To Say????

So I went to the library yesterday with Mikah and Kiara. If you don't know already, Mikah reads better than me right now, hee hee, well pretty dang close anyways. We were in the self help section for me and the kids wanted to follow me. Mikah picked up the copy of "Parenting for Dummies" book and handed it to me and told me Scott and I needed this! Very blunt kid. I would want to say this hits pretty close to home, but....DUH! So to end this story.......I borrowed the book.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Hello! Coffee......Wake me up already!

I'm on my fourth cup of coffee, and I'm still really stupidly tired. Its the one night I can stay up past nine without worrying about being functional the next day, and I can't even enjoy it because I'm tired and edgy due to my tiredness. Its one of those nights where the more I try to enjoy the kids the more they drive me nuts. All buttons pushed....all lines crossed.... or at least so it seems. Chances are that I'll go lay down and won't be able to sleep but still feel really exhausted. I guess I'm just tired of being tired with being tired. Oh well.....that's enough whining.

So I actually put on the antenna on the tv so I could watch extreme makeover. I haven't done that since we first moved here. I had forgotten we had it until I set up mikah's computer the other day. I'm glad though. tv sucks. i like commercials.

So here lately I've been stuck on the parable of the talents. I read it over and over and over and over.....I'm drawn to it. I've been trying to be prayerful about it, but can't filter through my own thoughts from what God might be guiding/telling me with it.
Maybe its nothing...probably. But keeps coming up in my mind. If I were to listen to my own thoughts, then I would start making plans on how to make money by working for myself.....which believe me...I've got plenty of ideas...plenty. But then I question whether or not my family would be ready/okay with that kind of thing. Too many questions/theories/daydreams. Then the ordeal of desires/selfishness come into play once more. That battle always sucks.....and unfortunately never ends.

Either way, the truth is that I'm still drawn to the parable....and I feel something is to be personally learned from it...even if its a seconds worth of knowledge. Another thought process I've been digginf through just here most recently is the obedience we are to have to/with/for God. There's so much in the Old Testament that is mostly to remain in those times right? Well, its really hard to figure out God's brain. Yeah I'm people have written books on this, but its hard to accept someone else's opinion as my own, and its one of those things where I would rather have a discussion that a mindful of papercuts. On this journey I'll plan to pick in the word and attempt to study as much as the life around me will allow. There's also the question of Sabbath.....but that's a whole other lifetime to figure out ;)

Thanks for listening.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Chasing Thoughts

So I've been on edge here lately. Some of the reason is natural, but I'm starting to wonder about the other reason. I feel restless. I want to be creative with a lot of different things and even have a lot of materials to do such, but the time plus energy just seems to not be around. I'm also on a search for new things. A change. What kind of change? Maybe in my job area......who knows. I've been actually chasing that change for awhile now, but haven't been successful obviously. I feel tired and worn and normally when I feel that draining, I get easily depressed. I'm starting to notice a lot of patterns about myself this year.....especially these past couple of months. I have seasons of mood changes and passions, and desires, and undesires. Seasons of selfishness too. I'm starting to wonder if this is a season of selfishness. Like about my want to do my creative outlet projects.....all I hear in my mind is how that would be fun for ME. My job situation and how that would be better for ME. But then I turn around and think that its not selfish because I need to take care of me as well as my family. Blah blah blah freakin blah. I want i want i want.......I wish I could just get a straight answer from God about this crap.

"Hey God, should I even try to find a different job?"

"No, Heather, you need to stay where you are. I have a plan." or

"Well, yeah! I've been waiting for you to get the hint!"

"Hey God, should I even try to do my creative projects?"

"Of course you should! It brings you peace of mind!" or

"Now isn't the time to be messing with that. Now is the time to enjoy your family"

Yup........still no clue.

Monday, September 19, 2005


Today is one of those days where I find myself both grateful, yet done with the events of the day. I've been in a migrainal hole since yesterday and worked through a nauseatingly cruddy and busy day at work, but right before Scotty went to work a wonderful hero of mine came in and swept my older two kids away for a night of very much needed R&R. It was crash time for my body, and it wasn't pretty. I woke up feeling better, not back to normal. Still on the hungover effect of the migrainal illusion, but better.

Below are some pictures of the kids and their tents. Yes I realize in one Mikah is totally digging away.....this is a part of reality at times with kids. I found it hilarious!

Paul the tent maker ;)



Here's The Do!



Friday, September 16, 2005

Movie Night and Family Life

Tonight has been peculiar compared to many since we've been here in Dallas. We actually rented a movie tonight. Well, me and the kids. Unfortunately Scott had to work. Mikah and Kiara made a bed out of the floor in their room out of every pillow we own and some bed sheets. It was mighty comfy for my bruised bum ;) . We watched Lemony Snickett's Series of Unfortunate Events. Interesting flick. I enjoyed it. I'm pretty sure the kids did too. After we picked out a movie, I stopped by my work to grab some pumpkin bagels and cream cheese....can you say "YUMMY!" Yeah VERY. This food is sooooooooo friggin good it should be against the law. But thankfully its not and I can indulge tonite :)

So there we were just sitting on the cushy floor watching the movie.....just the four of us chilling out. It was nice and very much needed. Asa was the best baby, I barely had to get up after him.

So I work again tomorrow, and the next day and then I have a day off. My one day off this schedule. I'm actually considering going to bed very soon. It's now 7:49 PM. Damn I'm feeling old. But the show must go on! At least until a better show comes around. I will actually be going to work an hour earlier this next least that's my understanding. That hour is going to be an adjustment. But hopefully that means I'll be getting home earlier. That would be nice and worth it! Either way I'm just glad work is going smoother than before.

Homeschooling is going okay the past two days. Its been a struggle with Mikah off and on, but we have been getting some info to stick. Plus Kiara now know how to spell her first and last name and knows without help how to write her first name! Yeah baby! She's working hard on writing Miller. She's been struggling to memorize how her letters look like just by flash cards and books. I've found out she's a total hands on girl. She's like songs, and games and coloring. So I guess we can work with that for now. No pushing or worrying, but it is great to know if we are still homeschooling when she's ready. And if she's willing now to work here and there, great!

Well, the bed is really calling me. I think we'll end a great night with a good story and prayer time with the kids. I love hearing them pray, especially Kiara. They both are so creative and honest to God at this age. How much I can learn about God with these lil babes......countless.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Oh How I Feel Sucky

Yeah, today I feel sucky. Got my hair cut, took the kids to the park and ran my bum off doing errands. The park thing was fun, but it seemed like my body's energy level afterwards just went downhill. Get to work tomorrow, not looking forward to that, but life happens.

On a good note, Prayer night is here tomorrow night. I am looking forward to not having to rush the kids out and then struggle to get them home. It may only be a few people, or something, but hey it works.

My bum hurts......I fell so hard on my ass earlier it totally knocked the wind out of me, and I couldn't move for about ten minutes without my hip killing me to pieces. Luckily my hip changed its mind about being a pain, and allowed me to get up with little help from big man Mikah who saw the whole thing and freaked out a little.

The kids' tent making skills are awesome. We need to get some kids over here to play with these guys in their tents.....they rock!

Asa's starting to answer us with head nods and showing understanding of many things said. He knows what shoes are and where they go. He knows what all of our names are, and he's saying in a mumbling way: NO . You know the word you wish the kids would learn last, but almost always learn first because of the repeated number of times they have heard it towards them. It was inevitable...shall we move on?

For some odd reason this past hour I've felt really selfish and yet unimportant. Not sure how else to explain it, but of how I said it. Bummer...... yeah I guess that was really out of the blue, but anyone whose ever heard my conversations can probably tell how scattered my thoughts are.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Limbo This

Its dreads are gone and I shaved my head!

Okay, so I didn't shave my head, but I did cut my hair, and I will have it done correctly tomorrow. It only took me about an hour to brush out my dreads, which is about how long it takes just to put in one dread....maybe one and a half if your lucky. Relieve and annoyed by it all, but mostly relieved. I didn't have to cut my hair really short....not short really at all. It is shorter though, but I suppose I shouldn't talk much about that until tomorrow after the pro cut.

It is my day off today, and I've got a stinking cold. Yuck. Plus I've got a mountain feeling cold sore in my mouth in a very annoying place. Everytime I talk my teeth rub it like crazy. But other than that crud today has been great. The kids had a friend over today and they all played well. We even got some school work done! After their friend left, we made a 'hideout' for the kids out of what use to be our dining room table set and bedsheets. It was fabulous! All three kids played together with that thing for over two hours! AND THEY PLAYED TOGETHER WELL! They've been so wonderful lately and truely a ginormous blessing shining through. It'll be hard going back to work if they keep this up! I have tomorrow off....two days in a row again! that rocks! That happened last week! Very cool.

Well I best close for now. I've got a date with vapo rub and the comfy place I call bed. Pictures of my new do soon!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I'm needing backyard sanctuary

So many things trampling around in my thoughts, but just wish to mention a few today. First is that I'm tired of being in limbo with my hair. While my sis was here she started to put dreads back in my hair, but was unable to finish befre she left. Scott and Angela have put a few in since, but its been almost two months. Oh well, it'll get done......eventually. Its only aggravating because everytime I brush my undreaded hair it takes me a LONG LONG time, and time I just don't have.

I've been praying patience into my time with the family, work, and just my life in general. I use to have a lot of patience in the past, but this issue runs like a freaky roller coaster sometimes. I have my up and downs like everyone else, but then all of a sudden I find myself on top of a ginormous hill, screaming my head off to tears. But during these extremely crazy times, I somehow can't find it inside myself to pray about this unselfishly. So what do I do? Well since we've been in community down here, I've been having them pray about it. Yes I pray about it too, but when I do I find myself more aggravated about feeling how I feel and being how I am. Soon after they pray for my family and me, I feel a bit better, and then a couple of days go by and then I'm fine to pray for myself. Of course I still request prayer, but not so desperately. Anyways, I've just stepped off that stupid roller coaster right now, and pray that God will help stay off, so I can enjoy my family better and they me.

Also my stage diving one year old needs a crash a whole body bubble of protection. He's been climbing onto the couch and jumping off of it, with no fear! This guy needs to figure out soon that he does NOT have wings or insurance until October! yikes! Hee hee, but he's been great. He's running everywhere, and starting to become his own little kid within a baby's body. Pretty awesome watching the process of human growth and development.