Friday, July 30, 2004

Still prego

Still prego , and still waiting. I think I getting pretty close though. Well hope is also there too, but my body just feels like its getting ready. I've been throught his a couple of times, so I hope I'm right in this. Scott's all balled up in anxiety just from the wait of new changes that are to come once the baby is here. I think my braxton Hicks or practice contractions are getting much stronger, and a little bit more frequent, but nothing regular. I must admit, I fear not making it to the hospital in time. I'm already dilated to 2cm and 50% effaced, (well that was three weeks ago I think) and my past labors have done nothing but go by so fast. Heck my last labor went by so fast, I made it to the hospital 30 minutes at most before little Kiara arrived. That's a strange/funny story all in itself.....ahhh what the heck, for those who don't know:

From four months along with my pregnancy with Kiara I was on bedrest up until labor. I had a severe side pain that was the result of the placenta tearing away. It would heal up a little and tear away again throughout the whole pregnancy. Well, since I had the severe pain that whole time, I ended up just getting use to it in a sense. Well Kiara decided at a couple of occasions that she wanted to come early, which landed me in the hospital and on meds that stopped contractions. Finally, between 37 and 38 weeks it was time. That whole day I had done some light cleaning, and even cooked a decent supper for me and my mom. Well she came home, we ate, and just stayed up a little to chat. Well, all of a suddent the pain that I've had this whole time moved to my right side. It didn't worsen or anything, just shifted. Well, my mom being a nurse, I asked her what she thought about it. Well she just thought it must be the same old pain, just having an effect from my day of disobedience from bedrest. It made sense, so I just kind of ignored it, but something in the back of my head told me to go ahead and call my OB nurse and ask her. Well I called her and she told me to get my prego butt in there fast. So I told my mom and Scott what was going on. I was still highly questionable about it being labor, so I told Scott to go ahead and go to work, cause it was probably nothing. So he went, as we left for the hospital. I got in there, they checked my cervix, and I was dilated to 8 centimeters! I think I heard our nurse curse as she and the other nurse were rushing to prep for a delivery. My mom, then, all dropped jaw from shock, rambled off something about a phone and kind of ran to the front desk to call Scott and his parents. Scott's sister called his work to tell them when he showed up to rush to the hospital. Well, Scott arrived about 20 minutes after I got to the hospital, and the doctor showed up about 4 minutes after. within about 5 minutes Kiara was here. I tell you what, she's still impatient to this very day hahahaha!

Now granted I don't have that pain with this pregnancy, I'm probably just making myself nervous, but past experience doesn't help. Either way I hope its soon....I guess this is where Kiara gets her impatience huh, hehhee.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

He Was There

Not too much to say, but felt the urge to get something up. Words just might fly out in different directions, so parden me if they don't mesh together. I came to a big realization today of how much God has took away to help me see Him more. Not really anything materialistic, but more spiritual than anything. He's relieved so many of my petty burdens as well as some of my heavy ones by doing so. Today I got very trapped inside my emotions I could barely tell which way was up. I got so confused of how to feel and be, and wanted to fight my way out of it, but instead cried it all out. I feel better now, just needed a form of release. Prayed my guts out during the whole thing. It almost seemed more like an arguement with God, than anything, but in the end when I gave up, He was there to lift my struggle and give me comfort.

recooping

The kids are away at their grandma's until Sunday, just in case we have the baby. I miss them. I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something because they aren't here. That's okay, though they are having a lot of fun with my mom, and nephew, swimming in a pool and having a good old time. I bet they're gonna be tanned when they come back. even just a little. Its been nice being able to relax, though. Also being able to do some cleaning and be able to just do nothing after to recoop.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

where did the kids go?

I'm sitting here, hoping my days worth of walking and doing dishes will cause some steady contractions. Hehehe, not steady, but a few. There aren't getting stronger so they aare probably just the practice contractions that I normally get. What a tease! Oh well. I'm off to bed, hopefully something will happen later. We don't have th ekids. My mother-in-law is between jobs right now (please pray for her, she's kind of down lately) and decided to take the kids for the week, so if I have the baby, we don't have to worry about calling someone to pick them up. So hopefully the baby will come this week. If not, that's okay. Either way, while she has the kids, I'm going to try and do the things that may just help like walking around (the house) and maybe some light cleaning. Hopefully gravity will help. I keep having this fear pop inside my head that my water is going to break before I go into the hospital. My past two labors, my water has always broken in the hospital, so I never worried about it. Oh well, I'll survive if it happens in public, but really hope it waits for the hospital :) . 12 more days until my due date. YAY!

Happy Belated Anniversary!

I had this dream this morning that Joshua, Kristen, and baby Judah came to visit us. The weird thing about this dream is that Kristen in my dream wished me and Scott a Happy Anniversary. Shortly after that I woke up to Scott coming in the room. I realized we both forgot our anniversary yesterday! Our anniversary is July 26, and we BOTH forgot! I think its kind of funny. We obviously didn't plan anything special, but that's ok.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Still Human

I've been having better days. I think I mostly needed to get all of my stress and emotions out to help me realize I'm still human. Tomorrow I'll be 38 weeks along in this pregnancy. The eagerness is getting to me but mostly I'm just ready for the baby and new changes that eill come with him to just happen already. Today has been a long day. Mikah had both an eye doctor's appointment and a dentist appointment, plus we now have to drive my brother to and from work. This was Mikah's first eye docor's appointment, ever. When it was time for the glaucoma test, (where they shoot the air into your eye) , he stepped up very bravely. After they puffed the air into his eye though, he gave me a terrified/confused look. I could tell he wanted to run or scream if not both, so I cuddled with him, and let him bury his face into my side. I talked with him and he just started to tear up. The lady who was conducting the test, said it was okay if he didn't finish and I would just have to sign something. So of course he didn't finish that part of the exam. Gladly, we had some time before he went into the room where the doc would check him out. Him and I talked about the scary test, and I told him it was okay to be scared. He gave me a big hug and then thanked me. I love being a mommy. When we went back to the room, he was very nervous. He kept shoving his tongue in his cheek and tried to cover his mouth out of shyness and anxiety. The doc was very cool and talked to Mikah a lot before he did anything. He did a great job at explaining to Mikah what he was going to do, and that none of it would be scary. Mikah did a great job and has 20/20 vision. Later, at the dentist, when they called him back he just skipped and smiled all the way to the assistant so happily. Another mother sitting there was surprised at how happy he was to go back. I was nervous about it because this wasn't a cleaning. He had to have some cavities filled, and I wasn't too sure how he would be after. He came out just fine. Not as thrilled as the last time but he still was ok and had no bad feelings about the dentist! Very cool. He's my brave little man. He's braver than I am most of the time. He's going to school in a couple of weeks, and couldn't be more excited about it. I couldn't be more scared and nervous about it all. But I have to remind myself that its what's best for right now. He's more than ready,. Heck, he's already starting to read before going in. He's going to have a lot of fun and learn a lot too. I know that his first day I'm going to cry my eyes out, ha ha ha.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Gotta get it out

Today hasn't been a good day. I'm finding myself struggling to even get this out. I'm so full of stress and anxiety today its really starting to drag me into sadness. And then I start to beat myself up cause it all seems selfish and so stupid. My body can't keep up anymore and feels like its crashing hard, but I find myself pushing it overboard just to find some peace. I read that now and it doesn't make sense, but nothing does anymore. I'm tired of the daily battle within myself, and with my family. Sometimes I wish I could just throw away my emotions, cause it gets so hard to handle them, and can never control them. I just to breath it all out today before it gets worse. I use to be so good at holding everything in and keeping some kind of composure, but its impossible anymore. And no I don't want to hold it all in I just want to get rid of it. You can say to me to just stop worrying about it, or to not let it bother me, but if it were that simple you'd think it would be done and mastered. I asked myself today how much of this is hormonal, and must admit that may have something to do with it, but i believe the majority of it all is that I'm overly stressed and feel absolutely horrible, and on top of it all we have so many things going on at the same time. I wish I could just scream for an hour and I'll start to feel better. Right now I feel so worthless because I can't find a way to get this family to work together as a team, and I can't even find a way to calm myself. This is my venting machine right now, and just need to get it all out. Even if I'm the only one who understands what I've written. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Over did it

Yesterday we went to Scott's grandparents' to visit, and we had a good time. I overdid it, surprise surprise, but will be back to my normal self tomorrow hopefully if I can get in some good rest today. I think the kids are going to have a good and well behaved day, their spirits are so up, and sweet. I think yesterday did them some good. For instance right at this very moment, my daughter is at my feet just laughing with me and playing with me. She's getting so into it, she can't stop laughing! It sucks not being able toroll all over with them, but even this is extra awesome and special. She's my little mini-me :) .She has a tomboy side to her, but stil isn't afraid to let her girlie-ness show. She's been trying to learn her colors and is getting so excited about it. She doesn't know it, but she teaches me a lot when she learns by how she learns. She keeps trying over and over again, and makes a point to get thrilled when she does it right, and tries again when she does it wrong. I know it seems like a very simple concept, but its not when you apply it to how you live your life. How you try to follow Christ. Of course we mess up, we are not Christ, but that also doesn't mean we should give up on trying be like Him. The way I figure it is if the world seems very scary now, what would it be like if we didn't have those rare people to care and try to help people? How would this world be worth putting up with if it never had Christ in it? I'm not sure what kind of image I throw out, but I hope my mirror is getting better. Here I go again, just gabbing, but I can't help to think of these things while I look and watch my children. I'm jeolous in the sense that they are the way Christ wants them to be , mistakes and all. But what I can't get over is that I am too. That doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement, there always will be, but my Lord loves me just as I am. Very kewl thought.

Friday, July 16, 2004

restrictions????????????????

What are our restrictions to bend over backwards for someone who needs
our help? Where do we draw the llines? And for what reasons do we draw
the lines? Why is it sometimes easier and more fulfilling to help
a family member than it is a stranger, yet more morally right to help a
stranger? Just some questions I find myself frustrated with in certain
experiences. Where do our priorities lie if we do this?

Awesome news

I went to the doctor Wednesday and found out some great news. I don't have pre-ecclampsia. This is great news, although since I'm far enough along in the pregnancy, it would have been safe to deliver, but defintely great news. We've had a couple of days where I had practice contractions starting to become regular, but they stopped. Scott is defintely on edge with excitement for the baby to come. He's so cute when he gets all giddy! He's a good daddy, and I'm so lucky to have him.

the cost of bending

What are our restrictions to bend over backwards for someone who needs
our help? Where do we draw the lines? And for what reasons do we draw
the lines? Why is it sometimes easier and more fulfilling to help
a family member than it is a stranger, yet more morally right to help a
stranger? Just some questions I find myself frustrated with in certain
experiences. Where do our priorities lie if we do this?

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Prayers and more

It has been a strange week. I have had some awesome experiences as well as some troubling ones. I would like to start with the good for now, cause I want to share these praises as well as acknowledge them.

* I am finally at the okay gestation period where it is okay to have this baby
* Also, after the long hauled pregnancy, I'm almost done, just four more weeks to my due date :)
* I'm beginning to recognize more of what is going on with my spiritual journey and believe that I've made a decent first step back into it
* I had an extremely wonderful conversation with Bea over the phone, and I must say it was very inspiring and encouraging to hear from her. I can't wait for more conversations with her.
* Also Bea is pregnant as well and is due to have her baby VERY soon, and so far her and the baby are well
* I feel my relationships over the internet are growing stronger and really am excited about talking with these people, and also feel like a bond is growing between me and some of the girls I have talked with
* My nephew had an allergy test done last week and it all came out negative
* My nephew is only a couple of weeks away from seeing a dermatologist for his bad skin condition
* My son never ceases to amaze me; he read quite a few sentences to me and daddy out of the blue a couple of days ago, and keeps pushing himself to learn learn learn
*My daughter and I have been having the best conversations lately. I'm finally learning some of the mystery that goes on inside her head. She is talking my ears off and I'M LOVING IT!
* Scott is most likely going to be getting a promotion at Starbuck's, and he's thrilled about it as well are we are so proud of him
* I'm finally headed in a good direction when it comes to schooling. I'm going back to college, and found out that as long as they have the classes available, I can start my first full semester online and at home! I will still have to go in for tests, but this is AWESOME news!
* Also I've been talking back and forth with a woman here in Indy that I really feel connected with and I feel our relationship has nothing to do but grow
I'm sure there is more, but this is all I can think of now.

Now for the prayer concerns and what's been troubling me lately:

There's a girl I mentioned in my last blog or two that had her baby too early. I learned two days ago her baby had past away. Her mother is a wreck, as to be expected. Her and her boyfriend are really shook up about it all and are starting to question God's motives as well as purpose. This is of course natural, but she suffered from depression before this traumatic experience. Please keep her in your prayers and hearts.

Also the woman I have been connecting with has just been put on bed rest with her pregnancy. She is carrying triplets and the doctor just put her on strict bedrest. Strict bed rest is no fun at all, but is necessary at times to keep the babies healthy. Please pray for her and her husband, and the lil fam growin inside her.

I was told by the doc last week that I might have a disease condition called pre-ecclampsia (sp). I will find out for sure tomorrow if I do and will keep you all posted. Pre-ecclampsia can effect your kidneys and liver and can be very dangerous, and the only cure would be to deliver. Its scary, but I am thankful I am close enough to have the baby safely if need be.
I've been showing more symptoms of it more and more, but hopefully its all in my head, ha ha. Find out soon!

Kiara has been acting odd lately. I'm not sure if this is a normal growing stage or if something is really bothering her. She's been very sensitive lately, and bursts into tears so easily over everything. Her cry sounds like a bad hurt cry and makes me wonder why she does this. Just yesterday she just barely tried to open a drawer and within a second knowing it was hard to open she cried like crazy. This has been going on for over a week or more, and just concerns me. Any advice would be helpful on this, I'm not sure if I should be stern with her, comfort her, or what. I want it to stop, but am having a hard time trying to figure out what is best. There's tough love, but if something is bothering her mentally then I think that would do more dammage, but if she's just doing this for attention, then I don't want to comfort her and keep the fire going.

A woman from our church group got a phone call letting her know her mother was in the hospital with a stroke. I heard recently it wasn't a massive stroke, but please keep her in your prayers, as well as her family. I will find out more soon.

Thank you everyone for listening, and for the prayers.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

What's Goin On

Another day without the kids, and the house is empty as ever. I slept in a great deal today, which was quite odd, but still nice. These past couple of weeks I've felt nothing but exhaustion wearing down on me, so I am trying my best to use this time to relax. Last night we went over to Matt and Lori's for prayer and fireworks. It was fun. I stayed in the house with a little girl who was scared of the fireworks. Before this time spent, she had been cautious of me, but during and after this, she warmed up to me very fast, and even went to sit on my lap a couple of times! It was nice to get out of the house. I don't do that too often anymore.

I've been keeping communications with a girl who was pregnant, and soon found out she had her baby 3 months early. Her baby girl, Gwen weighs at 2 lbs, 6 oz. I am still waiting on an update, but I will let you all know as time comes. The mother is 15 and so scared for her daughter. I can only imagine what she's going through.

A praise needs to be let known. My nephew Gaven, who suffers from severe eczema all over his body, finally has an appointment with a dermatologist. My sister has been trying forever to get her doctor to refer him, but the doctor wanted to try somethings first. This poor kid has dealt with this long enough, and I hope that the dermatologist can help. I'm still not sure what's going on with his tonsils and adenoids, I know he hasn't been to the specialist yet, but we will see if he still needs the surgery soon.

What's Goin On

Another day without the kids, and the house is empty as ever. I slept in a great deal today, which was quite odd, but still nice. These past couple of weeks I've felt nothing but exhaustion wearing down on me, so I am trying my best to use this time to relax. Last night we went over to Matt and Lori's for prayer and fireworks. It was fun. I stayed in the house with a little girl who was scared of the fireworks. Before this time spent, she had been cautious of me, but during and after this, she warmed up to me very fast, and even went to sit on my lap a couple of times! It was nice to get out of the house. I don't do that too often anymore.

I've been keeping communications with a girl who was pregnant, and soon found out she had her baby 3 months early. Her baby girl, Gwen weighs at 2 lbs, 6 oz. I am still waiting on an update, but I will let you all know as time comes. The mother is 15 and so scared for her daughter. I can only imagine what she's going through.

A praise needs to be let known. My nephew Gaven, who suffers from severe eczema all over his body, finally has an appointment with a dermatologist. My sister has been trying forever to get her doctor to refer him, but the doctor wanted to try somethings first. This poor kid has dealt with this long enough, and I hope that the dermatologist can help. I'm still not sure what's going on with his tonsils and adenoids, I know he hasn't been to the specialist yet, but we will see if he still needs the surgery soon.

dry road

I've been in a tight struggle with myself for quite awhile. My spiritual part of me is starving, and I've no one to blame but myself. I crave it, miss it....I am depreived of the freedom God has allowed me. My laziness has overcome it, and I am back at the bottom of the ladder, that goes up to my path. Right now it doesn't feel like a journey, it feels like a stopping point, and to go on, I'm not sure what to do. I feel almost empty and have needed to just know that I can do it, and I am worthwhile to do it. I pick up the Bible, and am quick to set it down. I can't seem to find a peace in it all. I'm searching backwards with my eyes closed, and wish I could change my view. I will breathe once again, and hopefully change this dry road I find myself on.