Tuesday, October 18, 2016
I got a bit of news yesterday. It not only opened up old wounds, but explained some things. My heart is already so raw from these recent years. How can it take anymore? Well, it did. And the answer to that is because and only because of sweet Jesus Christ. I can't handle a lot of this on my own. Praying helps me get that peace and understanding. I'm not instantly healed, not sure how long that will take, but it will heal and the scars I will bear will be reminders of what it means to bury something so deep and dark from someone you love for so long. This will help me not do it to someone else. With it though, I feel like an emerging butterfly from its cocoon. Being deceived is not easy, and take into the effects of it for 12-13 years, I shake my head and hold my heart when I cry. My heart is not easily manipulated. I have intense trust issues that not many see on the surface. But one thing about me, is if I choose to love you, you will be loved. I am a fierce people. This year God has given me more of an ability to cry. I am not a crier by any means. It use to only happen when I got very angry or lost someone very dear. Now it happens ALL OF THE TIME. And today I can say thank you God for opening the flood gates. I was able to cry it out, grieve, mourn the lost time of not knowing something. The illusions I was led to believe. The awful feeling of being the only imperfect one.... I was able to cry it out and forgive. Yes, this changes things. It changes hearts and minds, but in reality and every day life.....it changes nothing. The person who deceived me and myself will continue on, if not stronger than we were before. By the grace and only by the grace of our heavenly Father, we will not only learn from this, but grow from it as well. Thank you Abba, even though I may not always understand, thank you.
Friday, October 14, 2016
I am not a book smart. I am heart smart. I feel more than most. It gets overwhelming at times of chaos and heartache. My mind takes a second to get from A to C, because before it all happened I was focused on X. It may take me a second to realize you are messing with me. I don't multitask conversations, nor would I want to. Personally I don't even like talking on the phone...or worse..through messaging/text. When I talk with a person, I really want to know what is going on. In order for myself to do this, I rely on other forms of communication, like body language and breathing. This is not a mention on my intelligence. I have an awful memory. I may not even remember the conversation that we had yesterday until you jog my memory, let alone that it was yesterday when we talked. My days run together, and a lot goes on inside each and every one. I don't care what you may judge me on, but there may be some days when my anxiety tries to make me. There is a part of me that wants to rebel against what you have done, but I discern the good from the bad and turn it into helping what is good and try to make the bad, better. I am a loud laugher (apparently that isn't even a word, but it is now), for this I will never apologize. I am interactive. Please do not invite me to the movies if talking bothers you. I hoot and holler at the screen, laugh loudly (sometimes at things that really aren't funny to the gen pop) and I make comments in whispers to the peeps I am with. I am a mother of children with anxiety. I have anxiety and so does my husband, their father. No, we do not take medicine for it. Yes, we may have some weird ways of dealing with it that you may never understand. No, I don't want your opinion. I have already heard someone speak it already. Just do not expect the your normal to look like my normal. At least, don't expect your harsh criticism to have an affect. My first emotion when my feelings are hurt, is anger. This rage will flow through me until I get to that peace point inside. No, there is nothing you can say or do other than leave me be. Talking is nothing. Just give me my space and time, it won't take long once I start praying. Yes, I believe in Christ and that He is lord. No, I don't believe I should use my beliefs to make you feel worse about yourself. No, I won't tell you that you are going to Hell for not believing in what I believe. Yes, I love you and would love to hear about your beliefs as long as we can have the understanding that the game of conversion can be left at home. Yes, my children go to public school. No, I don't think it is good for them in the lines of education/socialization. However, there are lessons in the lessons, and this is just a season. Yes, I vaccinate my children. No, I don't think I am poisoning my kids. Yes, I read that article, so it must be true. (A dash of sarcasm towards the interwebs) I get fed up with people not caring. Just treating others so awful and inhumane it makes me want to just roll up in a comforter, with heating blankets, shut off the lights, close the door, cover my eyes with a shirt and stuff earbuds in my ears and jam my music. I believe when people sin, it can spread from person to person like an infection until the love of Christ can stop it in its tracks. It can easily take one good thing to change the direction. The sins of the father affects the daughter, but also the mother and father of that father. I believe our country needs to start making some serious changes towards the people not the tycoons. We need to take care of one another. Period. I believe the pharmaceutical companies have way too much influence on our doctors and insurance companies. I believe our law enforcement officers needs to learn how to NOT SHOOT TO KILL. To value each and every life. I believe that technology is changing the world so drastically, and we can't stop it. I believe that we can all learn from each other. I believe there is good in learning how o make the soil and water provide. I believe therapy is more important than drugs/prescriptions. I believe water is life. Other things about me, is that you never know what I'm going to get into next. I'm a henna artist. Singer. Painter. Dancer. Writer. Peacemaker. Your worst nightmare. Most fierce friend. Seamstress. Furniture refurbisher. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Sister. Other Mother. lol Jane of all trades, a maser of none. I love playing the djembe drum, but have no rhythm. I love the idea of cooking only when someone is cooking with me. I am a people person, but sometimes my extrovert gets inverted. I love to laugh. This is what keeps me going. Laughter truly is the best medicine. I will even laugh harder because I have no idea why I was laughing in the first place. I love challenges. Everything that pushes the boundaries (There are boundaries?) But within morality. No harm must come towards the living. Don't only be mindful, be heartful. Hold my beer, I bet you've never seen this before. And I speak fluent sarcasm/smartassery. It's okay, I've been trained by the best. I'm sure there's more, but I'm over it. Lastly, let me tell you about my unconfident confidence. I will say things like, "It's only because I rock" or things like I have arrived. You're welcome." or even something about my genius or beauty. When I do this, it is not because I think I am top dog, awesome and egotistic. It is because I am my worst critic and enemy. I say it not so you can agree or disagree. It is actually me talking to myself in such a way so that I don't give in to the lies that form inside my head. I don't have an ego to stroke. And I triple question things in all rationality I shouldn't because it is that obvious. I guess one last thing....I pray my guts out for people. I pray all of the time. it is in my chores. It is while that customer is yelling at me. It is while a flutter of a thought of you came across my mind. I pray when I'm insecure. When my child or your's is struggling. I turn off the radio most times while I am in the car and talk to God like I would you if you were in there. And Lastly, lastly, lastly.... I am not perfect. We are all in this mess together. And so why can't we all just get along?