Tuesday, October 18, 2016
I got a bit of news yesterday. It not only opened up old wounds, but explained some things. My heart is already so raw from these recent years. How can it take anymore? Well, it did. And the answer to that is because and only because of sweet Jesus Christ. I can't handle a lot of this on my own. Praying helps me get that peace and understanding. I'm not instantly healed, not sure how long that will take, but it will heal and the scars I will bear will be reminders of what it means to bury something so deep and dark from someone you love for so long. This will help me not do it to someone else. With it though, I feel like an emerging butterfly from its cocoon. Being deceived is not easy, and take into the effects of it for 12-13 years, I shake my head and hold my heart when I cry. My heart is not easily manipulated. I have intense trust issues that not many see on the surface. But one thing about me, is if I choose to love you, you will be loved. I am a fierce people. This year God has given me more of an ability to cry. I am not a crier by any means. It use to only happen when I got very angry or lost someone very dear. Now it happens ALL OF THE TIME. And today I can say thank you God for opening the flood gates. I was able to cry it out, grieve, mourn the lost time of not knowing something. The illusions I was led to believe. The awful feeling of being the only imperfect one.... I was able to cry it out and forgive. Yes, this changes things. It changes hearts and minds, but in reality and every day life.....it changes nothing. The person who deceived me and myself will continue on, if not stronger than we were before. By the grace and only by the grace of our heavenly Father, we will not only learn from this, but grow from it as well. Thank you Abba, even though I may not always understand, thank you.
Friday, October 14, 2016
I am not a book smart. I am heart smart. I feel more than most. It gets overwhelming at times of chaos and heartache. My mind takes a second to get from A to C, because before it all happened I was focused on X. It may take me a second to realize you are messing with me. I don't multitask conversations, nor would I want to. Personally I don't even like talking on the phone...or worse..through messaging/text. When I talk with a person, I really want to know what is going on. In order for myself to do this, I rely on other forms of communication, like body language and breathing. This is not a mention on my intelligence. I have an awful memory. I may not even remember the conversation that we had yesterday until you jog my memory, let alone that it was yesterday when we talked. My days run together, and a lot goes on inside each and every one. I don't care what you may judge me on, but there may be some days when my anxiety tries to make me. There is a part of me that wants to rebel against what you have done, but I discern the good from the bad and turn it into helping what is good and try to make the bad, better. I am a loud laugher (apparently that isn't even a word, but it is now), for this I will never apologize. I am interactive. Please do not invite me to the movies if talking bothers you. I hoot and holler at the screen, laugh loudly (sometimes at things that really aren't funny to the gen pop) and I make comments in whispers to the peeps I am with. I am a mother of children with anxiety. I have anxiety and so does my husband, their father. No, we do not take medicine for it. Yes, we may have some weird ways of dealing with it that you may never understand. No, I don't want your opinion. I have already heard someone speak it already. Just do not expect the your normal to look like my normal. At least, don't expect your harsh criticism to have an affect. My first emotion when my feelings are hurt, is anger. This rage will flow through me until I get to that peace point inside. No, there is nothing you can say or do other than leave me be. Talking is nothing. Just give me my space and time, it won't take long once I start praying. Yes, I believe in Christ and that He is lord. No, I don't believe I should use my beliefs to make you feel worse about yourself. No, I won't tell you that you are going to Hell for not believing in what I believe. Yes, I love you and would love to hear about your beliefs as long as we can have the understanding that the game of conversion can be left at home. Yes, my children go to public school. No, I don't think it is good for them in the lines of education/socialization. However, there are lessons in the lessons, and this is just a season. Yes, I vaccinate my children. No, I don't think I am poisoning my kids. Yes, I read that article, so it must be true. (A dash of sarcasm towards the interwebs) I get fed up with people not caring. Just treating others so awful and inhumane it makes me want to just roll up in a comforter, with heating blankets, shut off the lights, close the door, cover my eyes with a shirt and stuff earbuds in my ears and jam my music. I believe when people sin, it can spread from person to person like an infection until the love of Christ can stop it in its tracks. It can easily take one good thing to change the direction. The sins of the father affects the daughter, but also the mother and father of that father. I believe our country needs to start making some serious changes towards the people not the tycoons. We need to take care of one another. Period. I believe the pharmaceutical companies have way too much influence on our doctors and insurance companies. I believe our law enforcement officers needs to learn how to NOT SHOOT TO KILL. To value each and every life. I believe that technology is changing the world so drastically, and we can't stop it. I believe that we can all learn from each other. I believe there is good in learning how o make the soil and water provide. I believe therapy is more important than drugs/prescriptions. I believe water is life. Other things about me, is that you never know what I'm going to get into next. I'm a henna artist. Singer. Painter. Dancer. Writer. Peacemaker. Your worst nightmare. Most fierce friend. Seamstress. Furniture refurbisher. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Sister. Other Mother. lol Jane of all trades, a maser of none. I love playing the djembe drum, but have no rhythm. I love the idea of cooking only when someone is cooking with me. I am a people person, but sometimes my extrovert gets inverted. I love to laugh. This is what keeps me going. Laughter truly is the best medicine. I will even laugh harder because I have no idea why I was laughing in the first place. I love challenges. Everything that pushes the boundaries (There are boundaries?) But within morality. No harm must come towards the living. Don't only be mindful, be heartful. Hold my beer, I bet you've never seen this before. And I speak fluent sarcasm/smartassery. It's okay, I've been trained by the best. I'm sure there's more, but I'm over it. Lastly, let me tell you about my unconfident confidence. I will say things like, "It's only because I rock" or things like I have arrived. You're welcome." or even something about my genius or beauty. When I do this, it is not because I think I am top dog, awesome and egotistic. It is because I am my worst critic and enemy. I say it not so you can agree or disagree. It is actually me talking to myself in such a way so that I don't give in to the lies that form inside my head. I don't have an ego to stroke. And I triple question things in all rationality I shouldn't because it is that obvious. I guess one last thing....I pray my guts out for people. I pray all of the time. it is in my chores. It is while that customer is yelling at me. It is while a flutter of a thought of you came across my mind. I pray when I'm insecure. When my child or your's is struggling. I turn off the radio most times while I am in the car and talk to God like I would you if you were in there. And Lastly, lastly, lastly.... I am not perfect. We are all in this mess together. And so why can't we all just get along?
Monday, September 19, 2016
So this week was pretty fabulous, but also extremely tiring. Getting sick is no fun, especially when you top it with busyness. Under the weather and just feeling like I should sleep all day haha. However I would compare it to working out, it hurts after, but its a good hurt. The kind your body is acceptable of because you did something good. So all week I've been focused on 2 extra things outside/part of the family: The Suicide Prevention Walk and sewing up enough items to sell at the Popcorn Festival in Brookston. The first had been planned for over a month, and the latter was pretty spontaneous. I just happened to walk in the right place, at the right time to hear a conversation about that person needing help :) I offered my help in turn to see how my purses would sell in this area. Win/Win. Well, I didn't sell any of them. Not a single one :) However, I feel as though I have made a life long friend to the end. And I learned A LOT. There are options on the horizon, and I'm going to look into them further and it wouldn't have happened without this interaction :) Saturday evening, we had a fire pit vacation. I learned how to better pray for someone, just by getting closer to that person. But also you really can't go wrong with good people, conversation, marshmallows, and the occasional belting of old songs...Pure beauty it was. The walk was yesterday, it was good! My daughter had a couple of near and dear friends with her and there were 3 more to add to our group on top of that. It was really good. And we would have stayed longer, had we not forgotten the water...oops. So today, we are back in reality. There are things I need to do, laundry to be cleaned, dishes to be done, sweeping of the floors, and dusting. Not today though. I really think I need to take this day and rest. I haven't allowed myself this yet since first getting sick, so today is the day. Why is that so unsettling? Always when we are busy, we look forward to resting and chilling out, but when it comes, we are jumping out of our skin, not just letting it be. There's so much unknown on the horizon, that part isn't unsettling. Hmmm... I think today, I will only allow myself to find the small tent and make a packing list for the trip to Austin in late October...for which we are ecstatic about. I've got costumes to make....might just cut the materials and have them ready..then maybe even start sewing...see how that happened so fast? It is a work in progress, hahaha! Peace and flowers my friends!
Sunday, August 28, 2016
There's been a lot happening, I'm hoping I don't forget something. I'm watching my children, wrestle with themselves, life, and the questions it brings. I'm also seeing the insecurities here and there. This recent week, after some careful nudging and maybe some instigating on my part, then stepping back to see where the chips may fall...friends were made that were perceived untouchable..... Not anymore. Apparently henna tattoos and fun color hair dye brings people together.... and it definitely did the little group of misfits that we had thrown together this weekend. A slumber party happened.... There was laughter that was so profound it brought tears to the eyes of many! It was indeed a night to remember. What was the most beautiful about it though was how they all reacted to each other, and I kept hearing them saying things along the lines of 'Where have you been all my life' and 'I can' believe in this small town we haven't become best friends by now!' I was worried about fire starting here, when we are looking for a new home. But then I was remembering the idea of it all...with technology we can follow each other everywhere. In the meantime I might connect a few more dots to see where those chips may fall. A lot of changes are happening as well. The next year is looking strangely clouded, but I am not afraid even in the slightest. God has plans. I have a feeling there may be some extra peeps on our journey in the spring. I'm going to keep sewing, see where that may take me, but also get a part time job to have better fishing/planting grounds happening. I would love for Monticello to have a house church. Even if it only gets the youth's attentions, worth it. We need mentor/s. I'm off to see what I can find in that idea. I know this post is pretty vague, there's a lot that is not mine to share. But I wanted to let everyone know that we are feeling their prayers :)
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Life goes on....even after a tragedy. People still go to the store....even after a tragedy.....People still fill up their car with gasoline...even after a tragedy. Strangers are still rude to you.....even after a tragedy. And by the time you can finally get a glimpse of breathing normal again, another strikes. Then rinse and repeat. Next thing you know, it has been more than 12 years.... Today is a day of remembrance. Today, we remember the lovely Debbie Jones... Yes, well, I started to write the above on Sunday......I couldn't write anymore. Not only was I mourning Debbie, but everyone we have lost. Some losses are excruciating....some are debilitating. And then there are those that rip the very essence of your blanketed soul. You will never be the same. What is so beautiful are the memories...and how God uses the loss for something truly spectacular. I can't go further into this today...maybe another day I will. But for now, even though I am raw and broken in the chaos, I am seeing the beauty of it everywhere.
Friday, July 22, 2016
So a lot has been going on.....Mostly little things, but a ton of them. Today, I received my diagnosis for why I've been having trouble breathing.I am Borderline COPD. Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder. I am 34 years old, and have been a smoker since the age of 10... But when I was young, I use to do a lot of other stupid things too, but those came later (12-16). I use to huff chemicals as well. I did quit smoking for a year or 2 back in 2003, but picked it back up again. Still that's 22 years...... So I have myself a moment, and am sure I will have more today, but this diagnosis has shined a light on some things. I've been losing weight, stressed out/anxiety higher, maybe even a little bit of depression that sneaks its ugly head in here and there. Muscle weakness.. But you know what? I'm going to kick it in it's ass. I'm refusing to wallow in this and I am going to not only get through it, but better my health. I'm going to use this as motivation. Motivation to live to the fullest, no matter what. Motivation to teach my children. Motivation to take care of myself not only better, but the best I've ever taken care of myself and have my family jump on the same wagon. Yes, right at this very second I feel defeated. I'm just going to list the whys: 1. I've has to battle doctors for 8 months for my son's diagnosis 2. I've had to pull my daughter out of school because of depression and anxiety 3. I eventually pulled my son out of school because of his health. 4. I tried homeschooling the kids, but ..... I think mostly they needed the time to breathe and sort through...life 5.I had to quit my job so I could fight the doctors and insurance 6. We lost my husband's grandmother, which in turn made it feel like we lost Phyllis and Sarah all over again 7. Oldest's struggles with depression/anxiety as well 8. Youngest has other issues going on along with narcolepsy w/ cataplexy...puberty, anger/rage/panic/anxiety attacks 9. Middle child struggles with relationships 10. My grandmother had to be in a nursing home,after she had a mass removed from her cheek, she was beginning to yell at people who weren't there. Later to find out she had cancer in her lungs, liver and spleen, as well as lymphoma 11. Youngest had other health issues arise, out of respect for him I won't mention them, but there were 3 issues, nothing huge, but bothersome and stressful all the same 12. Financial nonstop stress of not working anymore 13. I was mostly a taxi to/from for everyone, we are a one car family...need I even say how much I drove in a day 14. I had/have dental issues for not going to the dentist/taking care of my teeth, and also have HUGE anxiety going. Therefore I have a system I inform the dental care peeps, when I raise my hand, stop what you are doing, give me a second to take a breath, then they can carry on...the hygienist did not do this............didn't end well 15. The lady in the dentist office told me 3 times when I asked, that my 2 insurances would cover everything, later to find out that I couldn't have the most problematic areas covered until NEXT year, to find out MUCH later that it IS covered...thank you god for that (THIS TYPE OF THING HAPPENS ALL OF THE TIME WITH EVERYTHING FOR US) 16. I was told I was going to lose my insurance because I did not comply and send the payment, even though I never received a bill and was never told I needed to pay (state insurance ftw) all to find out (after a month long fight) that yes, I needed to pay something all along, however they saw that nothing was mailed to me therefore I had my case resolved 17. My hands, knees, back, legs and hips consistently give me some kind of discomfort/pain/weakness/UGH and the doctor just wants to throw medicine at it rather than find out why (yet another argument) 18. My oldest is soon to be 18....I can't even begin... 19. My grandmother passed away 20. The brakes on our ONE car were getting bad, finally I got tired of asking/waiting/fearing for my/our life/lives (I'm the taxi) so I was able to have a friend change out the pads and roters....just to have a new sound appear the following day..oh yes and oil is slowly leaking....and just yesterday black plastic shavings? were coming through the air conditioning vents. 21. My brother was admitted in the hospital for really high blood pressure 22. We finally were able to buy a van, the one I found was my dream van, used, yes, but mostly in good condition. Was told it was going to be fixed right, it was not. I bought an extended warranty, to later be told by the guy who sold me the van (2 days after I picked it up) that they would not fix/look at it free of charge that not only did I have to pay $109 just for them to look at it, but also that it wouldn't be covered under the warranty. Tears happened so I couldn't argue it hasn't even been home two days, I attempted to call back and you know when it goes to voicemail after 2 rings, that person is avoiding. I had to pass this battle to my amazing hubby who talked with the General manager, and we will take the van in tomorrow. (This on is more resent and fresh, so I'm still URRRG lol 23. While simplifying our home, I must have lifted too much and now have 3 distinct area in my abdomen/groin that are quite painful, was told that I probably have a hernia from one doctor (who didn't want to mess with it since I was seeing my primary the following day), to I'm just at risk for a hernia, weak abdomen muscles from child bearing, blah blah blah...to my borderline COPD diagnosis. So, there's that and honestly so much more in between that I'm sure to have forgotten (which is ok). Please know that I am typing this out, NOT to be attention seeking, but to ask for prayer, but MOSTLY so I can accept it, forgive it, then move forward. I've been carrying it all with me. No longer, though. I will continue to battle life's challenges. I will continue to advocate for my loved ones and fight for what is right. But I need to be more positive. Everything that we've been going through has turned my thoughts into pure negativity, and that gets us no where fast. And God has a plan. God is readying our family for something. God has my family in his arms. Peace and flowers to you all!
Monday, July 18, 2016
Good morning, loves! So far this morning I have lost my purse, my cup of coffee three times, and have pulled a sliver of glass out of my husband's foot before taking him to work. Busy morning already haha! So....let me just ask one question to the universe....with how much my coffee means to me, how does one lose it, not once, but THREE TIMES! Ha! ***THIS IS WHERE WHILE TYPING, I TOOK A DRINK OF SAID COFFEE, WENT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE AND I COUGHED COFFEE ON THE FAMILY LAPTOP*** Okay, okay,I'll calm down....though I'm not really upset. Waking up can be rough to say the least. I woke up in the middle of the night to give Asa his medicine, it was storming really good. The lightening was a consistent strobe light and the thunder was the bass of a bad stereo. All the while, I'm going in circles, worrying about the cats (which I have confirm the wellness of), but mostly of what has been happening around our world. So much pain, so many deaths, so much sickness, so many addictions, afflictions, and misunderstandings. Be still my heart, for it feels too much. I've been consistently reminded of 24/7 prayer, and will reread Red Moon Rising, but I'm wanting to do something different in the space and place we are......just not sure exactly how it will look. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this weekend we got a lot of things done. Tables have been switched out....trash has been eliminated...mostly old bills/random papers, and the closet swept out and a massive side table cleared. I should have taken a before and after picture! Cause our home is losing the weight of materials. And IT IS GOOD. I, however, overdid it. A year and a half ago I had a hysterectomy and partial oopherectomy (Dear spell check, learn medical words, I spelled it right! lol.) and have had my gallbladder(2009?) removed, as well as my tubes tied in 2004. Well, I need to listen to my body more, because even though all of those were laproscopic, minimally invasive, it can have risks. I'm fine now, but doing a lot of NOT bending over and NOT lifting anything. I see my female doctor today and my primary care doctor tomorrow....luckily these were already set up.....kind of for the same reason. I set up the female appointment to see if it is safe for me to start weight training and if so how to appropriately do it without hurting myself. Well there are at least 3 areas that hurt pretty good yesterday, so I tapped out, and called it a day. Prayers would be wonderful. The weight training isn't so I'll be buff, but it is to raise my endurance of every day life. I have pain that flares through my body (legs, hips, whole back and neck, elbows, wrist/hands, yes I know I'm a mess lol)and I'm hoping exercise and toning my muscles will alleviate some of it. It may not be as bad as it sounds, but its not usually all at once. And I'm not just sitting down all day, actually its quite the opposite. I'm in my garden, being taxi mom, cleaning, sewing, painting, dancing, singing, laughing. So, now for a physician's (or two) advice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, today.................I'm bringing home our new (to us) minivan. This is HUGE! I've been patient for a second vehicle, which will make life easier, especially when I start working, but mostly this will help the kids be eager to travel more. Even just driving to Lafayette, is brutal on my tall, leggy kids. And Asa has a very hard time with small spaces.....THIS IS GOOD FOR US. Plus it is set up to store the seats in the floor, or use that space as storage while the seats are up.........This is the beginning.......of something great. Our carriage awaits us, I'm just waiting on the call :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Simplifying life isn't easy. For me, it is taking sweat, blood, and tears , though not much of the latter two. Just by getting rid of things, it is already easier to breathe. And the lesson of patience is strong, but I'm listening. My lovely daughter has pointed out to me that a lot of things I have been patiently waiting for is finally happening...sometimes when you are in the middle of it, you can't quite see it, like being a drop of paint in a mural. Simplifying life isn't easy.....but breathing is crucial to my tribe, and we want to breathe free. The time is now....and later. Blessings. Flowers and Peace to you all!
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Hello Blog, miss me? A lot has happened since we spoke last, but I don't dwell on the past too much, so let's move forward. Right now my oldest son is 17, daughter 14.5, and Youngest son about to turn 12. I have teenagers now. And they are still alive and so are we :) I call that an accomplishment. GOOD JOB MOMMA! Where I have failed? I didn't stay diligent. I didn't hold tight to my faith. I stopped seeing God everywhere, in everything. I turned my back, all the while having my head turned to argue with Him. I don't know how you handle your relationship with God, but the only way I know how to do this myself, is to consider this as a true relationship. It's all exciting when its new and fresh, but eventually there are disagreements, hearts broken, misunderstandings, and then maybe even a little bit of bitterness. Yes, I have yelled at God, cursed him, and walked away throwing my hands up......though never forgetting He was always there. I didn't persevere the last time, I just threw my hands up. I walked away, every now and then picking up the phone, dialing the number, just to hang up. I miss church....community.....worship.....prayer......I miss the feeling of wonder..that anything can happen. I miss the safe feeling I had. Well, here I am. We already lost Phyllis (my mom-in-law), Sarah ( my dear friend and sis-in-law), my husband and I have been through a divorce, and have gotten married again. To each other. (This makes 3 wedding, and 1 divorce.....third times a charm!) Our youngest began an 8 month struggle that just began as sleeping all of the time, to full-body collapses.....to finally find out (after asking/fighting with the doctors to test for narcolepsy, which they never properly did, hence extending the extreme and intense worry) that my son has narcolepsy with cataplexy. Then to lose Mama C right before the diagnosis. Watching and trying to guide my teens through depression, anxiety, hormones, migraines, L.I.F.E.... Losing the lovely Debbie, an inspiration to us all, causing thoughts of reflection. Then, to lose Grandma G......Watching my mother lose her mother.....Breathe......just breathe. That summary doesn't even touch the many things that have been thrown at us, but it gives you enough of an idea. However it hasn't been all bad, doom and gloom. The diagnosis for narcolepsy was received as a blessing. After being told SEVERAL times it was not, then worrying about the other possibilities, narcolepsy isn't life threatening...life-long, yes, but when treated and educated not life threatening. AND I FINALLY FOUND A DOCTOR WHO KNEW WHAT TO LOOK FOR. She ran the appropriate tests, to confirm our/her diagnosis, and then after a fight with the insurance, we were able to get him treatment. He's doing much better, and is looking forward to school in a couple of weeks. We have a couple of outside kittens, named Nuke and Alfie. Boy and girl. Adorable and all get out, and they are the best anti-depressants ever! And they keep the rabbits from destroying my garden :) Did I mention I have a garden. Let me say that properly.......GARDENS! I have my memorial garden, my vegetable garden, and my flower patches. I have taken some of Sarah's teapots that she use to collect and have been using them as planters. My first food garden is growing carrots, habenaro and Jalepeno peppers, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, cantelope, watermelon, corn and radishes, and I just planted the pumpkins. It is a beautiful garden. And I have a newfound love.....growing things. When I grow anything, I see God's hands. And it teaches me patience, creates wonder, and weeding the garden is therapeutic. The urge to purge is strong. Simplifying life is hard for most, but even though its gets worse before it gets better, I'm aware of the process, slowly seeing progess, but understanding good changes are happening and these things take time. Purging our belongings is like weeding my garden, getting rid of the unnecessary to make room for the necessary (which will not be materialistic) Change is in the air....good changes...not sure what, but it will be beautiful. Flowers and peace to you!