home

I arrived late Friday night here at home. I've been gone for three weeks almost. It's good to be home. It's going to take time to get adjusted and change some things, but that's okay. If it were a quick fix I don't think we would learn much from it. I'm going to go see a doctor about anti-depressants soon. This is a confusing issue for me, but I hope it won't be after I get more information. Since I've been home I've been going through an exhausting down period. I don't like it. I want to be able to tolerate the little things and be rational for the big ones. We'll see where it goes and what will happen. I need something, my body is obviously not equipped to handle my swings. I have tried taking SAM-e for awhile. It helped at first, but not anymore. Time to move onto something else.

By the way, just for the record.....I drove 16 hours, in one day, with three kids by myself...SUPER MOM!

So many thoughts, not enough brain space

I've been extremely neglectful of my blog lately.....purposefully, though. I've wanted to blog, but not so sure as to how to blog : truthfully, freely, responsibly.

I'm here currently in Indiana at my mother's home with the kids. I've been here going close to two weeks now. I've been on quite a journey since I have been here. The first couple of days were meant for no thinking about anything I was taking a break from. I did this somewhat successfully. Then I went into Spastic mode of not knowing which direction to go, what I wanted, and then it hit me......maybe I should just stop trying to figure that out and just find myself once again. I've lost a part of myself I may never be able to get back. I'm not sure how it happened, it just did. I was easily losing myself and things I enjoyed and appreciated about myself. In it's place I have found a deep strong fear. Fear of many things such as my singing, my art, my sewing, myself as a person (mother, wife, friend......) It was a hole sucking the very life out of me....sucking out the hope of any light being shed upon our struggling family. That fear is what is killing my spirit.

To be broken is a lot of things, but one thing it isn't is painless. During this time of no light seen and no hope felt, I decided to push myself to really seek the true face of God and His view on my life. I was tired of getting no where with my view...
Let's face it running in circles gets you faster to insanity than anything when it comes to your emotions. Through God's grace I have been able to build that hope up inside me, that passion I use to have, but also through God's grace and mercy, I was able to mend a long lost friendship together once again. A friendship I had turned my back on because of fear. It's amazing how long this gap was, yet how easily once given an opportunity, how God could build a bridge and send healing. I aim to come home next week. I hope to be ready to be strong and sincere, and loving.

Kid's Fall Fest

This night was a lot of fun. I got to paint all over other people's kids, while other children read stories and sang songs. Great food, great people. I unfortunately missed a lot of the stories/songs, but it was still a good time. Saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time...very good stuff. It's good to see their faces. Some live in San Fran, and some live here in Dallas, but our schedules clash very often. I hope to spend more time with them tomorrow.

So I'm singing a song tomorrow.....I'm excited, but am convinced I'll suck. We'll see. I pray God will give me the voice and rhythm if this will be inspiring to anyone at all.

I think that is all I can dig up for now. My camera is working once again. Pictures soon to come to my flickr page.