Wednesday, December 29, 2004

doing okay

The holidays are almost done, and I feel nothing about it but relief. The kids got bombarded with a gazillion toys from the granparents, of course way more than they ever need, but there's not much for me to do about that. I've tried directing the grandpaents this year in the route of what they got the kids. As always my mother ignored me cheerfully. I wanted more educational stuff this year. More stuff to help them use their imagination and stretch their minds just a tad. I'm not sure if slot cars fit in that, but they are pretty cool. We had no room for any of these new toys, so I had the kids pick which ones to bag up and store at their grandma's. Eventually most of them will be donated somewhere.

About ten years ago my mom wasn't able to get us anything for Christmas. We had just went through a house fire, and our insurance company wasn't willing to pay us what they owed us for it so my mom had to file bankruptsy. I found out this week that she has been trying to make up for it ever since. She's always tried to get us a bunch of stuff, and since the kids are here she goes overboard with them too. I've told her one christmas not to get me anything, cause I didn't want anything, but to just hang with her, and she got really upset with me about it. I remember fighting with ehr about it all and giving in. I never knew how strongly she felt about her ability to give to others until then. Its just what she craves this time of year.

Our lil fam is doing better. We're kind of trying to renovate how we are with each other. I've tried blogging about it in the past, but everytime I've found myself without words, and the one time I found the words, I changed my mind about sharing. I needed to get it out, but I realized I need to be ready to get it out. I look at our family, and of course we aren't perfect....that wouldn't be interesting I don't think anyways, but we were starting to fall off our paths and focus on God by confusing our priorities. Hopefully we can get back on track soon enough.

Asa has been a riot lately. He's talking on a whole new level, druel everywhere, and even tries to scoot while on his belly. But he's not even five months old yet, so give him time and he'll be chasing his brother and sister. Mikah's reading like crazy. He's going to be so much smarter than his parents.....ha ha he already is! Kiara is so pretty and has the grandest imagination there ever were. I see this very awesome. She's not up to scale with Mikah or even close, but man oh man she can play and pretend! These lil people rock.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

An Endless Battle

Before I left for Monticello, I was very close to having a nervous breakdown.....and unfortunately this is not an exaggeration. A gazillion tears have been spent, and four and a half days gone and I think I've regained some of my sanity. Still depressed though, and what sucks is that as I wrote that I'm depressed I felt so selfish about it all. On top of that I'm so angry with myself for allowing it to happen. But in this battle, at times, I just want to give in. Throw in the towel. My kids are awesome,drive me crazy every now and then, but still phenominally awesome. But that's all I feel I have right now. I want to be so mad and angry with feels like He's started this mess. But I know this isn't true. That's not the God I believe in. Anymore it just gets so damn hard to breathe. I've held too much in for too long, and I feel as if I'm past full. I want to sleep all of the time. My body is fighting me to recover from the surgery. You can't necessarily take it easy with three kids.

Sorry this post is nothing but complaining, but I have nothing else to write about right now.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

To Freak or Not to Freak....that is the question.

Okay, so my mom is up this week to help me out after my surgury. Tonite I stretch out my back by leaning backwards and it feels very if there's actually something hard in my back where there shouldn't be. I assume its just a muscle knot, but still mention it to my mom who is a nurse. She feels what I'm talking about and gives me this very concerned/freaked out look.........yeah! So I ask her why she's appearing this way. She says, "I don't know" in a calm manner, but her eyes are still bulging. So I ask her again, she just repeated herself. So then I ask her why the heck she keeps this wigged out look on her face. She tells me she's never felt anything like that before! then I ask her if I should be concerned....."I don't know.....if its there in the morning.....maybe?" Nothing against my mom but she's got me freaking just a little. I know she's not a doc, but an ER nurse. Please pray for my sanity. This probably is nothing, but I'm still kind of weirded out by it.

Speaking of sanity....I'm off for Monticello for at least a week. I'm hoping to be back friday afternoon.....we'll see.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Just One Of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm alone in what I do. I hate these days.....I soon end up feeling selfish about it all, and then can't figure out why I even feel selfish about it all. I guess I assume too much, or want too much.....but where is the line drawn when you need to ask for help...that sense of huimilty is never there without some selfishness....right? Not a clue here. Just tired of being confused about when to ask for help, when the right time to vent and to whom, and when to just shut my mouth and keep it inside.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

the day after tomorrow??????soon?

I've been finding some info in yahoo news that's been disturbing. Not surprising just sounds too much like a recent movie that came out: The Day After Tomorrow. Anyone who has seen it knows what I mean.....disturbing, not surprising.

What I actually find extremely disturbing is that our country..more specifically our president is failing to give a damn about it. It'll hurt our economy.....boohoo. Our country makes possibly the most pollution of the countries in this world, and yet our administration opted out of the Kyoto Protocol....what a bunch of crud.

Here are the articals that got my attention: bang boom

Granted I suggest you to look and do your own research accordingly, but this just is where mine began.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

A Beautiful Day

These past couple of days I've been trying to read with Mikah a little more, and try to get into the habit of it just to read to the kids. Mikah has a young children's bible that he's recently been digging into. So far he's read to me 5 short stories from it. He's doing extrememly well with reading...I'm in awe. Again...I'm sure I've said this before...I can't take credit for this. About a year ago I showed him the basics and he took what I taught him and flew away with it. Asking questions along the way and observing everything he comes into contact with, he's now reading very close to where a first grader would be. I know one thing, he's very determined to know what is inside the written world. I know this makes his daddy very proud. Kiara looks up to him in so many ways and earlier while he was reading, I noticed the way she was staring at him. The wondering going on inside her brain of how he obtained so much coolness, so much glitter. She's not quite up to speed as Mikah was at her age, but I hope to get her as far as she is willing to go. She's becoming quite the little girl. I hope to spend a good deal of time with her tomorrow, just talking and playing. Of course the boys will be there on and off, but I think we need some girl time. The poor girl only has boys around her most of the time.

One thing I'm realizing more and more is that my time with the kids is very precious. Its passing by so fast, and I'm so glad to be willing to appreciate it. These little kids are our little gifts to the world. They may go by what we teach them, and they may not , but what is important is that they will go knowing that I love them and will always. There are so many things I want to get done before this life is through, but here lately all of those things are easily ignored and set aside, so they don't distract me from my lil babes. I can't imagine what it would be like without the kids. Yeah we'd have so much freedom with time and venturing, and even just doing nothing to be peaceful, but these kids are here now.......and with how we wish to raise them with the curiosity and love, they will probably be with us a very short time after they get older.

I hope I feel this way for the years to come...I pray that I do.