Friday, March 31, 2006

My Mind is Broken

What is wrong with me?? (I'm saying this laughing at myself with my inner frustration)

I'm actually taking a break from attempting to get our things together for the trip to Indiana, but haven't accomplished really much at all. (sigh) granted we have time, but I am a procrastinater at heart and a my body says no, and my mind says go, go, go. One big arguement going on today with my body and mind, hee hee.

Okay back to the chaos of turning thinking into doing..... sounds like what we've been trying to do with our life with Christ.....hmmmmm.

Shhhhhh...their sleeping :)

Wow it is so quiet in here. I'm here awake while everyone is asleep and it is very peaceful. All I hear is everyone breathing.....I can't even describe how different this sound is compared to when I am normally awake. Not too sure what to do with my quiet morning...I normally am at work, or sleep until someone wakes me...but I must say this is NICE.

Peace be with you today.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Our Texan Anniversary Soon

It amazes me how much things change in a year....our texan year anniversary is Saturday. I can't believe it's been a year already. Let's see...what happened this year:

We moved down here very sudden after our visit here (which was initially planned for apartment hunting anyways, but illness in the fam changed things), cause this is where God wanted us.

We got involved with the community we came for and made some great friends that turned into family very quickly.

I finally got out of the house with a job and made friends on the outside of church and home.

Even though I was excited with working, my first job was mentally rough and I quit prayerfully, and found the job I have now where I'm making great friends.

Mikah gave his life to Christ....YEAH BUDDY!

We had a great Christmas with friends.

My prayer life has grown to a level I've never had before.

We finally feel like we are in a place God wants us.

All thanks and praise be to God for this wonderful year He has given us!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

God's Peaceful Shower

Today was my last day at work for 2 1/2 weeks, and it was refreshing, even though most of management were stressed, because God answered a prayer about me being able to be around those moods without my own changing for the negative. Thanks God. I have troubles with not becoming negative and stressed around people in those same moods, and it lasts much longer than it really should.

Also, I have had some great conversations with some friends, and in those God has reassured me that I'm still on His path and not my own . Very good indeed. I get discouraged in my own thoughts and perceptions of how things should work out. wow is just a great word right now.

We leave Sunday morning to head tto Indiana......sweeeeeeeeeeeet! We were going to leave Saturday, but we had to make a change for good reasons.

today is a peaceful day.

Monday, March 27, 2006

you mean i have more struggles?

right now i am being very humbled with my emotions. i've been pretty exhausted today and didn't accomplish....well, anything. i was able to take a nap, but woke up into not so groovey situations and event hough those situations ended quickly, i haven't been able to let go of those emotions felt during. and because of this i put others back in their moods. so yeah you can say i feel pretty shittyabout that. why can't i let go of this????? why can't i just drop into God's lap, and leave it there. i've been praying about it and just can't seem to focus. i feel totally imcompetent right now and just want it all to stop somehow.

we run away from here in a week. i can't wait. i need this. i need to just be with my mom...just me and her. i need this refreshment.

Friday, March 24, 2006

a time to reflect

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. I think most of it is caused by my passion to just do something, but it is my time to wait and pray. While I do my wait I travel and examine how I even got here.

I can't even describe the mind-set I was in before I came to CHrist. There are no words for it. Yeah my family saw the change, but Scott truelly is the only one who acknowledges it truely and totally. He knew exactly how I was then. I get jaw dropped in awe over the transformation. It almost seems like it just happened. Instantly.

I guess I bring this up only to guide you towards the thought of transformation, whether you have been in Christ for your whole life or ten seconds....with Him there's always change needing to be made in you.

This next part is a question for those who desire a transformation, closeness and unity with Christ. I want you to stop right now for a moment and take time with Him. Ask Him what kind of change you can do for Him to become a better servant, a better friend, and better Christ-imitating-person.

Romans 6:23 (The Message)

23Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God's gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.

Peace and love be with you on your journeys.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Emotional hurricane

Have you ever had one of those days where it seems like everything is crashing around you, and you feel the worst you have felt in a long time, so you can't really do anything about it anyways?? Yeah this is that kind of day. And as I look nothing is really crashing the the look of the house and the attitudes of everyone around me today.

On this very day I just want to scream, cry, and kick myself. I can't seem to get it together, my mind is racing every which way and I can barely speak correctly verbally because of all of the craziness inside me. I feel like running, not necessarily away, but by myself.

And in honesty I'm very ticked off at myself for allowing myself to hold onto these emotions, but it seems impossible to let them go with how things are around me.

God intervene, God take it away, God come in my center once again. God grant me patience, God grant love, God grant me clarity, God grant me faith.......thank you Jesus.

Okay I feel better already.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Seeking Jesus In My Struggle

Today I'm struggling with a lot of my human biggest in patience and loving my neighbor. I deal with a lot of different things at work. Most of the people I work with do a great variety of things I totally don't agree with anymore since I have come to Christ, but have took part in my past. Conversations are filled with things that are accepted by culture and not Christ. It's very hard not to speak my mind, but I feel God doesn't want me there to place conviction on people. Granted if asked I am to be honest about my feelings, but that hasn't been required too many times. Right now I am to pray and pray and pray, as well as to befriend anyone possible by just being myself with Christ at the center. Sometimes I just feel so lost at how just doing that is doing God's work, but when I pray about it, I realize that God works through that. I guess I also forget that God was working there anyways.

So where do I go and what do I do when I feel discouraged and stranded? Honestly first I stress, but in time God's voice is tugging at my heart saying to calm myself and to give my worries to Him and to trust Him in what He desires. To trust that even though what I may be doing seems so little, its big enough and important for God to want to guide it and be in it. All I have is this one body. A brain that is distracting, two hands that fumble, two legs and feet that trip, and a mouth that doesn't realize what comes out of it. It amazes me that God looks at me like a precious jewel that when He shines His awesome light, it prisms off to all around me. I feel rusty today though....

There's a person at work I can't stand to work with. Its so hard for me to see any good in this person, and believe me, I try. I'm so confused as to why God wants me to be in relationship with this person. And then I feel like even more crud....this is my "neighbor" . I almost feel like Jonah not wanting to go to Ninevah.

I'm reaching out to His mercy and compassion today. I'm reaching out and striving to learn it. Without this, I feel I will fail in something He needs me to do, but right now it seems as though acquiring it may be tough.

Friday, March 17, 2006

advocating inventor...hmmmmm

wow this test is good.....thanks cheryl.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Who's life am I living?

All honesty out...I get really selfish. Selfish with my time, my freedom, my money, and my relationships. Also when I get upset I tend to feel vengeful....not cool. I don't always love my neighbor and I don't always help the obvious, let alone the less obvious. I make up excuses and tend to really suck at being a friend, wife, mother, daughter, and sister. I can be greedy and very unnecessarily needy. Of course technically it's my life, so I can be however I want, right?

Yeah, God would ever allow me to be at peace in His love if I did. When I made the choice of accepting His love and His freedom, I accepted the fact that I needed to change and try to become the person He needs me to be. I can be all apathetic about the above issues, but you want to know what happened in the past when I did? I was angry, I was extremely depressed, I never felt close to God at all, and I felt very alone and dirty. Doesn't sound good, does it? No, I didn't think so either.

So how do you deal with these overly repeated problems? You confess them to God, and if you don't have the will power and control to put and end to it, ask faithfully for His help in it. Will you stumble.....possibly, but allow God to catch you before you fall back into that pit. Keep looking towards Him. Wake up and make that choice to become a better servant to Him. When I was lifted to Christ, I had to leave my dead behind....a huge part of that was myself and my life style. I GAVE my life to Christ willingly, and everyday I need to make that choice to accept that. Yes, I'm human and and I make sucky decisions and get lazy, I'm not Christ. I can't be perfect, but I can try my all in making the wrong right by giving it to God, by trusting His guidance and His promises. The one way I get out of my messy moods and habits is I pray my guts out. I pray and pray and pray. Eventually I am refreshed in Him and then if I need to forgive or ask for forgiveness from someone, then I do it and make ammends, then move forward.

Also rely on your church, the people you are close to. I always make a point to discuss my struggles with someone and pray about it with someone. If you don't have this.....please feel free to confide in me. I know that some places aren't easy to find these kind of relationships unfortunately. I have made another blog just for prayer requests. I would love to pray for you. You can post secretly or openly, your decision. You can post those in the comments here. This is where we all can just pray for each other. I will place mine in the posts. Either way here I am praying for you anyways.

My recent posts aren't by my leading. I actually try to blog about other things, but I guess those things aren't what needs to be said. Here's to Lent and no more arguing with God....cheers!

A message

A messege I have to send in this space is Come together in Christ. Love each other....bend over every way for each other....pray honestly and whole heartedly, even when you don't feel like it, pray as if you were bowing before Him, because you are in His presence. Also, Lay your burdens down on Him, just let them go. This is why Christ died! Let's not ignore this grand and beautiful sacrifice but not trusting His ability to take it! Yes, our pasts SUCK! Yes we are full of actions and feeling that aren't Godly, but you know what....if we give it to Him and trust that it's done...gone....forgiven, then that's where we start to get closer to Him and where He needs us. That's when the REAL deal starts to happen. And that my friends are just going to be beautiful and awesome!

Be free and feel loved my friends.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Something to Meditate on

2 Cor 1:3-7

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

what is it that you hold onto? (revised)

I felt the need all of a sudden to bring this subject about. We have come a long way this year, and keep going further no matter how cruddy it gets. But here's the question I strive for you to answer:

What is church to you? Is it something you do? Is it a place you go? Is it you?

I read this today from Church Marketing Sucks:

If the electricity went out, and your walls fell down, and your biggest givers died, what would you have left? Would you have a community of people still seeking after the heart of God? Would you still worship even without a band? Would you still be able to learn about God even though you can't show a video or a PowerPoint slide? In other words, what you have when everything else goes away is what your church is really all about.

It really opens my eyes to the change we have made, and also helps me realize that without a lot of those things up there a lot of people could easily distant themselves from what's really important and the whole point of it all. God...Jesus....The Holy Spirit....

How did they do this before electricity was even invented? Was God okay with how they did things then?I guess that's not what you need to be looking at either...just questions to think about.

A lot of it is tradition, habit, and influence. These tends to lead people away from what it is God really needs and wants from them. Can you grow towards in God with it...yes, but it can really easily become a barrier if you have to do without certain traditions and technologies all of a sudden. Its the change factor. A lot of people don't like change when it comes to faith and the way they serve....actually a lot of people don't like change in their daily lives, believers or not.

The last thing I feel I need to say is BE the church. Be a listener, and cryer, a shoulder, a dishwasher, a babysitter, a prayer.....just be it whatever situation comes about to support the people around you...believers or not. And do it for God...with Him in the center of all that you do, in the center of every relationship.

rested but tired...tired, but productive

wow.....scott let me nap for over 2 hours today (i was pretty much uselss anyways) and man tonight i have done more than i have in a long time after working. i cooked, did 4 loads of laundry...put them away even, did dishes and vaccumed the living room. on top of that i got to be a listener to a great friend going through a hard time. i normally can't do body just gets so worn and burnt out, its normally a good night if i fix a good meal. sucks to say that but its true.

so i'm going to start doing prayer walks.....not sure where other than work yet, but that's a great start.its been hard with relationships there, and a bit discouraging. but god has a plan and i'm thrilled about him doing his awesome work around me. plus i know if i tried to step in his way i just fumble it and makes things go longer than necessary.

so while i was doing laundry a red velvet dress of kiwi's was in there without me realizing, and now i have pink socks and to get the tie-dye kit out for a fix-y-do. not a fan of pink, but i must say one of kiwi's white dresses came out looking prettier than before! whoops!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

just breathing reality

I've been having a hard ime trying to blog lately. I've tried to put my thoughts out, but haven't brought myself totally comfortable with it....or at least what I tried to say.

Today I've found myself extremely selfish and even over reacting in my troubles. God has defintely opened my eyes and heart in prayer group tonight. I'm not saying my problems aren't in need of prayer or aren't anything to be concerned with, but tonight I prayed for a little boy Asa's age that is extremely ill. It broke my heart. It feels....heck I don't even know how to describe how this feels. I came into prayer tonight only troubled with my own problems, but after praying for the others, I realized my own aren't as big as they seem.

Here recently, while praying, God has granted me visions that seem so real. And after doing so I feel led to share with those involved. Sometimes they are very encouraging and filled with hope and joy, sometimes it sends out a message of warning..or shall I say awareness. I'm very thankful for this, but at the same time it seems so surreal to me. Its so new and so awesome, as well as visual. I guess my fear of them are that I might interpret them wrong or give a misleading message or something. I've prayed against this.

So tonight I have another's more of a realization of our connection with people. I've felt as if our relationships through the internet-only are like a flower on a vine. God is the root and we are the center of the flower...where the pollen is. The pollen flows with the wind landing wherever it is meant to go. Where it lands the relationship is formed. Eventually new plants will form and the vine we are on grows into the others, but this vine is so strong it would take a lot of neglect for it to splinter off. Even with a splinter though, there is a connection. God isn't only the root though....He is everything that feeds us and wraps us together in nourishment. Then I get a view from afar, and there's an enormous field of flowers vining together. Takes my breath away.

I just want to tell all of you how much I appreciate you, I am hopeful for those we haven't met, that it will happen...and those we have, we'll meet again soon. Flow with the wind of God my friends. Peace be with you on your journeys.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Since going to Indiana and back, I haven't been able to find much to blog about. A lot of things feel different, even though much hasn't changed since I've been back. I tell you one thing, it was hard going back to work after ten days off. In April, when we all go to Indiana, hopefully it'll be warmer. I ran into an ice storm on the way down. Luckily. I found a hotel before the rain even started, but man it took me at least an hour an a half getting the ice off, on top of that it was only like 1 degree outside not including the wind chill. The warmth of Texas was a great welcome home for me.

So I cut my hair, and Kiara asked us to cut hers the other day as short as mine. Wow, this is a big change just because she had super long hair. But she looks beautiful and like my little pixie princess. Asa's hair is gone as well..not so shabby and curly anymore. He look so boyish now, not like he didn't before, but this is more boy than before. It's cute. I promise I will have pictures soon, today or tomorrow. I suck at that because it always takes more time than I have to do it, and normally if I find time to get them on the computer, one of the kidlins freak out....that's life. Well, best get off for now...still jumbling on what to say.