Thursday, November 27, 2008

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, it's thankgiving already. Wowzers. Well, this means this semester is almost finished and I will have a fabulous break off of school. I am really excited about this. Breathing space is about to come.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Monday, November 03, 2008

drop me

I am so behind on my homework. Losing control of that peaceful part in your body where you don't freak out and just want to scream, at anyone, everyone. Just because, not that they are doing anything wrong, but when your emotional control is wrong then everything is wrong. Whether it was a smile or a laugh, it has to stop. It just needs to stop, even if just for that one second of clarity. Don't forget to breath, slowly. Repeat, I am okay over and over until maybe one day I will believe it. I know it sounds like I'm losing my mind, and maybe I am.

I am, currently in a house that lives, moves, is turned upside down constantly. But ever since I have had children, this has always been true. Nothing different. Just take my family times three minus two and you have our house.

Well back to brain crunching. Finish the paper I just can't finish, finish my math work that seems never-ending, then study for the test, then prepare for the other test I feel so far from being prepared for..... I haven't even thought about it yet. One step, the first step counts the most,,, just keep swimming , swimming, swimming. What do we do, we swim, swim.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Losing things like days...minds.....

Emotional, offset, crazy, flighty, forgetful, space-case, over-whelmed, there ever a time to just whelm it all around?

Hello, my name is Heather and I suffer from anxiety& depression. Wow, it doesn't sound so crapped up when you type it out. Huh, maybe that's why at support meetings you introduce yourself not only to other people and what you are going through but also to yourself. I know that idea may cross others, as queer, strange and odd, but maybe you just have to step outside yourself to get to know who you are. what makes you what defines the inner uniquity that makes you you.

Here lately I have felt like I have been losing my mind, having memory loss episodes that throw me straight into chaos. Before this happened I would wake up in the middle of the night with an anxiety/panic attack. Or I would just be sitting there, most of the time that means Studying, calm and what not and my heart will just start pumping, adrenaline is surging and I feel like I'm freaking out and I DON'T know why. NOT COOL.

I've been in and out of the doctor's office twice the past couple of weeks, trying to get a grip. The first med change turned me into a zombie and I have yet to wait for this next med change to take action. I know a lot of people are anti-meds, but honestly, without the Lexapro I have been on, my life would still be an extreme up down and back to hell again broken roller coaster ride that never ended.

Now I'm just taking a break, just to put my random thoughts of weirdness down. Is it entertaining for you? It does good for me....

I am biased, but my kids are too frikkin cute. Asa is talking like a madman and has a personality out of no where. He feels the urge to be stronger than everone because he's use to being the youngest one who couldn't keep up.

Kiara is the quirky little princess of mine who tries to be prissy with a baby-talk accent. She let her daddy take out a tooth today, that's her second gap right now, and she's got three others that want to come out, so she will soon be the toothlessth wonder. She's still my power prayer warrior.

Mikah, he's just funny. He makes up scenarios in his head like a comic strip. He's creative, and super sensitive. God's tugging at him, I see resistence here and there, but that natural love for God is growing inside him. I look at him and just get that feeling that greatness awaits just around the corner. Not sure what, who or how, but just something.

My sweet husband. Always working harder and harder to be that daddy he knew he could be and in my eyes, he done passed it. He's been so patient with me during this emotional time, and I have been able to lean on him and just trust him to care for me when I cannot do it for myself. When I see how much better we both are in our marriage I just want to praise God. We all need work, this is a journey after all, but day in and day out I'm so grateful that he is my life partner in crime.

We looked at a house today, it was awesome. Keep praying for everything to go and grow in God's way, not our's. Good night.


Monday, October 27, 2008


My brain is tired, my body feels exhausted and yet again I have a paper due tomorrow I am getting stuck on over and over again. Grrrrrrrrrr. So here I am writing about something else in hopes that my brain and I will begin to work together once again.

My oldest son Mikah always as something to make me think and feel I am so not ready to have him grow up yet, and at that same moment I'm excited and hopeful about the man he will become. Of course I feel the same way about the other two, but he's older and I see more maturity in him than the other two for obvious reasons.

When I study, I go and hide in our big family bedroom. He comes back there to grab something or whatnot, then comes over to me and hugs me and says he's proud I study so hard, gives me an almost tearful smile then walks out of the room. This he has done in scrambled ways many times. Makes me all fuzzy inside.

There is a little 2 year old girl and a 3 month old girl living with us as well. There was a time when the 2 year old was not able to get out of her crib yet, because the adult had said no. Apparently when the adult came in to get her 15 minutes later, she found Mikah sitting there reading to the 2 year old. And on top of that he is the only one who can get her to repeat anything (which we have found that Mikah can be a jokster at this) The 3 month old, he just melts over, anything that can make her smile, he is so willing to go the extra mile to do it. THAT GUY JUST ROCK!

Kiara has been my little singer. She's just in love with singer and asks me to sing to her every night before bed. The night of church, I saw her drummin on someone's guitar case, singing "There's a Stirring" (thx Kristen,luv ya) which is one of Kiwi's favorite songs.

Well, my brain is finally allowing me to do something called an essay so I best jump off here and take advantage. Blessings everyone!

Yes this is personal, but why hide God's Love

Danae, the only thing I can tell you is that living with our pastors and in community has been the one true thing that has helped us. Scott and I lost each other long ago and were just barely surviving each day. Eventually when I was right about to take the final step of making an end of our marriage, God threw truth in my face and showed me where I needed to be by showing me where the best place for the ones I hold so dear are-my children whom I just happened to let Scott take when I told him I gave up.

I had to see the sins I had and that it wasn't all Scott. Yes he had his part too, but honestly when I came back, I had a great friend that God spoke through to me and how she didn't even recognize me anymore. Yeah it hurt and burned hearing it, but hey sometimes love hurts and sometimes when we as people need change in someone so bad, we normally have to begin the change with ourselves. I don't know what you are going through recently, but all I know is that I'm praying for you. I have never forgotten you in my prayers.I will email sometime son and we can do our prayers and whatnots then. Love you girl.....sorry if blogging this was weird, but I felt that this was something a lot of people didn't know.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

My brain is moving and it won't stop

So lately I have been suffering from these anxiety/panic attacks. They just come out of no where and all of a sudden I feel like I just want to scream. My heart starts pounding and I just feel out of control. I saw my doctor about it and she put me on something that I can take that calms me down. I'm half and half when it comes to pharmaceuticals. A big part of me wants to go herbal and homeopathic all the way, but then the other part of me is just so desperate to get these issues fix, no more testing the waters. Anyways I'm going to continue to work with my doctor and also find out if there are any herbal remedies I can also mix in for my issues.

On other issues, I will be calling to set up some appointments to check out these two townhomes that are side by side for our possible future community house. Any prayers on the would be fantabulous. Other than all that, I'm studying my guts out, Scott and I are doing very good, and the kids rock, yes sometimes they rock the houseboat in not a good way, but hey they are just kids, can't change that :)


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Here I am

So it has been told to me in nicer words I need to get off my lazy ass and start blogging again. Here I am!
What's been going on with Heather: I have been going to school full-time at El Centro College. I am aiming for nursing or ultrasound technician. Right now I am taking college english, almost college math(haven't a clue on tech term) and human anatomy and physiology. Pretty cool and definitely keeps me busy.

What the Miller's are doing. We are going through an exciting healing process and becoming the family God intended for us to be more and more. Yes there are days where I just want to kick Scott in his butt, but most of the time I restrain myself and use words. I am always telling my kids to use their words, its time I listen.

Right now we are living with the Poe's........on purpose even. Both of our families have thought and prayed hard about it and we all feel its for long term, not sure how long, but that's God's deal not our's. More than a month ago the Mattingly family of five moved in as well. Its been a backa dn forth transition, but adapting to that many people inside one 3 bedroom house can be. Luckily before Scott and the kids arrive the back garage had been changed into a sleeping quarters for the Miller crew.

We are currently homeschooling the Piller (Poe & Miller) kids, which has been fun and adventurest and challenging at times. I don't get to help much because I normally take that time to study. Also we are currently looking for a six bedroom house with at least 2-3 baths in a location that we can still have church and many members/friends do not have to travel. I really feel God has this place already picked out but right now we just have to obey him and learn to listen to His heart so we can find it. Please pray for this to happen in God's timing. With the financial horror all over the world, we are continuously trying to just look at God's economy.

Specific Prayers just from me are:
-5-6 bedrooms with at least an extra room
-2-3 bathrooms
-a lot of parking area for church
-a big (hopefully fenced in) backyard for the kids to play and gardening
-Big living room for community living
-specific place for dining table to stay put, making it easier for community meals during church and during everyday life
-home school room
-needs to be safe to live in, no infestations,mold,about to fall apart

Wow that looks like a lot when you write it out, but right now all I can do is pray and the more who do, that would rock.

Thanks for your prayers and I will try to blog when I can.


Boycotting Election Yet again

I do have to be honest, I was going to vote this year. WAS. I argued with myself constantly about why I should vote. They say our voice ever. Our voice only would count if they counted EACH vote, instead of this electoral college crud.

Let me tell you why I was going to vote. At first it only struck my interest because my english teacher is passing out bonus points for voters....I know I am sooooooooooo pathetic. Then I realized how pathetic it was for me to only vote because of bonus points.

Then I figured, well maybe its time for me to just vote and at least be able to say there I voted, but it didn't make a difference anyways because the state I live in.

So anyways I go back and forth over all of the crap and when I finally realize my chance for registering might be at an end, I looked online and it was. So much for that.

Last time I blogged about this, some person with an opinion like myself pretty much told me I had no right to complain about who became president and all of that hoopla. In my OPINION to those people, they can shovel it because with the mess Bush 1 and Bush 2 drugged this country with it'll take not only a saint, but a magician to lift this country up, and I don't believe any politician in that matter can do that. In the end it will take an uproar of people, much protest and a rise of the people to claim this country back from the government.

We also need to stop killing our brothers and sisters over in these other countries and just bring them home already and let our other brothers and sisters be at peace not worrying about whether or not one of our explosives are going to kill their children.

Overall, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my opinion, take, leave, or burn it.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Life in Community

Wow, major jumps from where my last post left off. I'm a slacker in my moments and blogging definitely got left behind for awhile. For those who don't know, I am now in Dallas living with my family in community with the Poes. It's been really good and humbling at points. Just a short tidbit on what happened and why we are here...... Our family was covered and covering sins, not addressing them, and just smiling on the outside while we were screaming on the inside. We were in a cycle that could only be broken by God, and when we went up to South Dakota, the truth hit and it hit harder than ever. Shocked, scared and feeling majorly lost I almost broke a marriage that is meant to last forever.
Scott and the kids had went to Indiana for a little while until our church helped them come back home to Dallas. There the major transformation had begun. They all went through some extreme changes where God just carried their hearts closer to Him and Scotty and the kids had one on one councel and discipleship by living with the pastors of our church.
I however was still covered and digging deeper holes than ever. I had came down to Dallas to visit, and God had put on a friend's heart to confront me, and boy did she. She did it the way it needed to be. Upfront, honest, passionate, loving, yet also convicting in such a way I would understand the extreme need for change. I didn't only need to change, I needed to be transformed from the inside like a clean sweep.
I went back to Dallas struggling, back and forth about what I should do and how I should do it. Just up and leave my father's company, that seemed so difficult and humbling because he expected me to be there. I cancel the bid on our house, and began to sell a lot of my things so I could get back. But I was still wanting to find many ways to hesitate and stall the move that would freak out my father. One day I was ironing, which is freaky cause I never iron, and as I was clearing away the wrinkles in my clothes God spoke to me through the process. He helped me see and feel that He wanted to do the same with me. He wanted to iron my the wrinkles. Also I felt Him saying that the sooner I get back, the sooner I can expect transformation.
When I got back I struggled in my new skin, the healing process isn't an easy one with many wounds.-------to be continued.......

Saturday, March 22, 2008

In South Dakota

Here we are in South Dakota, Sioux Falls to be exact. We are buying house here, and this Monday I will be beginning my job with a big company my dad is helping to head up. It is a company really diving into eco-energy in the coolest ways. Here soon I will be heading up the charity division of the company. I'm so thrilled about this part of it. I'll will be pretty much building this from the ground up. I will be able to explain better later once things get going.

One really awesome this is that a friend I have made while I was in Dallas will be moving up here shortly. It's going to be awesome. Her and her girls will come and stay with us until they get on their feet here. Just a fresh new start. And our loving father definitely knows she needs it. All the prayers would be awesome. If anyone is inte4rested in helping her move items to a storage space and help her pack up, let me know.

I also got in touch with a good friend of mine. This past 1.5 years her daughter has been going through a rough time with her manic depression and bi-polar disorder. She has been so tired in her heart because of her experience through her daughter's wellness. Please pray that she would seek God during this time and allow Him to love her.

The kids will start school here on Tuesday. I'm excited for them. They both love school so much, this will definitely be a nice change. So far they have been having so much fun just playing with my nephew and seeing family.

We did get to see some family in Indiana. It was really nice. Got to hang out with the grandparents and then with the great grandparents, then with my aunts and cousins as well as my mother.

Also in between there I went to Dallas for St. Patrick's Day weekend and did some henna at the Tipperary Inn. It was fun, had some really awesome and random conversations. It really appeared that God had me there for listening, and opening my life and heart. I had a lot of people just come up and share their problems of what's all been going on with their lives and some even seeking God but resisting because of all the turmoil.

The days after that I went friend hopping and visited quite a few friends. It was awesome to see everyone again.

Well so much more to come, but must come another day. Take care all and many blessings shined.