Thursday, November 27, 2008

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, it's thankgiving already. Wowzers. Well, this means this semester is almost finished and I will have a fabulous break off of school. I am really excited about this. Breathing space is about to come.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Monday, November 03, 2008

drop me

I am so behind on my homework. Losing control of that peaceful part in your body where you don't freak out and just want to scream, at anyone, everyone. Just because, not that they are doing anything wrong, but when your emotional control is wrong then everything is wrong. Whether it was a smile or a laugh, it has to stop. It just needs to stop, even if just for that one second of clarity. Don't forget to breath, slowly. Repeat, I am okay over and over until maybe one day I will believe it. I know it sounds like I'm losing my mind, and maybe I am.

I am, currently in a house that lives, moves, is turned upside down constantly. But ever since I have had children, this has always been true. Nothing different. Just take my family times three minus two and you have our house.

Well back to brain crunching. Finish the paper I just can't finish, finish my math work that seems never-ending, then study for the test, then prepare for the other test I feel so far from being prepared for..... I haven't even thought about it yet. One step, the first step counts the most,,, just keep swimming , swimming, swimming. What do we do, we swim, swim.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Losing things like days...minds.....

Emotional, offset, crazy, flighty, forgetful, space-case, over-whelmed, there ever a time to just whelm it all around?

Hello, my name is Heather and I suffer from anxiety& depression. Wow, it doesn't sound so crapped up when you type it out. Huh, maybe that's why at support meetings you introduce yourself not only to other people and what you are going through but also to yourself. I know that idea may cross others, as queer, strange and odd, but maybe you just have to step outside yourself to get to know who you are. what makes you what defines the inner uniquity that makes you you.

Here lately I have felt like I have been losing my mind, having memory loss episodes that throw me straight into chaos. Before this happened I would wake up in the middle of the night with an anxiety/panic attack. Or I would just be sitting there, most of the time that means Studying, calm and what not and my heart will just start pumping, adrenaline is surging and I feel like I'm freaking out and I DON'T know why. NOT COOL.

I've been in and out of the doctor's office twice the past couple of weeks, trying to get a grip. The first med change turned me into a zombie and I have yet to wait for this next med change to take action. I know a lot of people are anti-meds, but honestly, without the Lexapro I have been on, my life would still be an extreme up down and back to hell again broken roller coaster ride that never ended.

Now I'm just taking a break, just to put my random thoughts of weirdness down. Is it entertaining for you? It does good for me....

I am biased, but my kids are too frikkin cute. Asa is talking like a madman and has a personality out of no where. He feels the urge to be stronger than everone because he's use to being the youngest one who couldn't keep up.

Kiara is the quirky little princess of mine who tries to be prissy with a baby-talk accent. She let her daddy take out a tooth today, that's her second gap right now, and she's got three others that want to come out, so she will soon be the toothlessth wonder. She's still my power prayer warrior.

Mikah, he's just funny. He makes up scenarios in his head like a comic strip. He's creative, and super sensitive. God's tugging at him, I see resistence here and there, but that natural love for God is growing inside him. I look at him and just get that feeling that greatness awaits just around the corner. Not sure what, who or how, but just something.

My sweet husband. Always working harder and harder to be that daddy he knew he could be and in my eyes, he done passed it. He's been so patient with me during this emotional time, and I have been able to lean on him and just trust him to care for me when I cannot do it for myself. When I see how much better we both are in our marriage I just want to praise God. We all need work, this is a journey after all, but day in and day out I'm so grateful that he is my life partner in crime.

We looked at a house today, it was awesome. Keep praying for everything to go and grow in God's way, not our's. Good night.