Persevering Journey

My mind is going yet again. This time if I were to put it in quick words it would be: Vertical greenhousing, poverty and how I could have an affect on it, living in community and what that means, how I can better live in community intentionally, what can I do to cause a stir in my children's minds, how can I make art a huge part of my life, how can I live without chemicals going into my body and still be mentally healthy/stable...... and I'm just getting started.

Yeah, it's never easy inside my head. Well. we are back from our trip to Indiana and it was wonderful. We visited our family and got to spend much needed time with all of them. Scotty's sister, who has been sick for a long time now with many different health issues, has recently went through a whipple procedure that rerouted her digestive system after removing a part of her pancreas. She has been suffering with pancreatitis for almost two years now. Everything she eats gets tossed back out before it can be digested and on top of that malnutrition, she's been in some excrutiating pain. When we last saw her, she was very pale, and swollen. She was in the hospital and just miserable. This time when we saw her it was like looking at a whole other person. She had lost a lot of weight due to the lack of nutrition, but also she seemed emotionally better. Her pain is down more now than it has been in many years, and she's not throwing up as much as she has been this past year. She has a feeding tube that provide her body with food, but the nutritional absorbtion is no where near what it could be if her body could handle the digesting of the foods properly.

I do ask you all to be praying for her recovery of this and to keep moving strong on God's path.

While I was up in South Dakota this year I learned a great deal about solar energy and vertical greenhousing. AMAZING stuff. They are now building greenhouses where the plants are inside these sheets of plastic or something that hang vertically. They are rotated throughout and the sun shines right on through. With this you get organic plants and food without having to prep land and wait years for it to become organically certified land. On top of that you use a watering system that gets recycled with a pond on the lowest level where the fish live and reproduce and in turn they clear the water of any acids or gases that would normally prevent the water to be properly reused. To energize such a system they put solar panels all around to help cut the costs. For one acre of vertical greenhousing it is equal to 30 acres of horizontal land farming. HUGE. On top of that you can provide food cheaper, no need for pestisides or huge farming equipment, gas to run it. And if it were on rooftops, no land to buy, just renting/buying of the space.

And then learning this, I headed down here in Dallas. Right now I'm currently going to school full time to become a nurse or diagnostic sonographer. Why do I not yet know what I want to go for? Mostly it is due to the fact that I am a dreamer. I dream of many ways that God can have my family living radically in ways most people couldn't even imagine possible. Most of the time I don't even see how it could be possible, but I still go ahead and dream of the many different aspects of how God views the possibiliies of our lives. It's not all about me, ya know. I love the medical fields. I can grasp it and understand it. My mother is a nurse, and it all just seemed to make sense to me. There would always be a job for me, I would be in the care of people and with people. It was a great way for me to reach out to people that also had a financial security.

Don't get me wrong, I love the medical field. I just wish I knew what I really want to be when I grow up....if I grow up.

On top of the vertical greenhousing coming back up into my mind, I've been finding myself in a bunch of different conversations about people who are homeless, and poverty, and how if more people cared there would not even be poverty. I watched a part of an interview of Shane Claireborn about what he has learned about poverty and working and building towards a solution and getting people involved. What would it look like if I dedicated my life to such a cause. How huge of a difference would I be able to make? None really without God backing me every step of the way. But I believe in a God that has endless possibilities and I believe that I am anything He makes me to be.

I guess one thing I always struggle with when I go on these tangents is how can I do that while being mother and wife? Is this what I am built for? Do I have the guts to attempt this let alone try those shoes on? What if we could all just gather together, unite the church as a whole and build to solve the hunger, solve it without killing our planet anymore, and in turn possibly make this planet better than it was before? If we were mto incorporate verticale greehousing in many, many places, we could replace the deadened farm lands into a home for trees and other plants.

Another ordeal crossing the mind of insanity is how would our house look if we did this community living on a more intentional scale. If we got more organized in our doing and following God more. If we focused more on bringing God to the center of it all and keeping Him there. Praying more, spending time together more, relating more. Also what kind of boundaries do we need to set up? How can we provide a strong community with each other that is shared amongst those we are constantly around? Digging into Scotty's library soon and will be having many discussions with the adults in the house.

I guess I need to get some sleep. I hope to finish this blog too, but like my others it may not happen totally. Blessings upon you.

Wow, it's thankgiving already. Wowzers. Well, this means this semester is almost finished and I will have a fabulous break off of school. I am really excited about this. Breathing space is about to come.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I am so behind on my homework. Losing control of that peaceful part in your body where you don't freak out and just want to scream, at anyone, everyone. Just because, not that they are doing anything wrong, but when your emotional control is wrong then everything is wrong. Whether it was a smile or a laugh, it has to stop. It just needs to stop, even if just for that one second of clarity. Don't forget to breath, slowly. Repeat, I am okay over and over until maybe one day I will believe it. I know it sounds like I'm losing my mind, and maybe I am.

I am, currently in a house that lives, moves, is turned upside down constantly. But ever since I have had children, this has always been true. Nothing different. Just take my family times three minus two and you have our house.

Well back to brain crunching. Finish the paper I just can't finish, finish my math work that seems never-ending, then study for the test, then prepare for the other test I feel so far from being prepared for..... I haven't even thought about it yet. One step, the first step counts the most,,, just keep swimming , swimming, swimming. What do we do, we swim, swim.

Emotional, offset, crazy, flighty, forgetful, space-case, over-whelmed, under-whelmed........is there ever a time to just whelm it all around?

Hello, my name is Heather and I suffer from anxiety& depression. Wow, it doesn't sound so crapped up when you type it out. Huh, maybe that's why at support meetings you introduce yourself not only to other people and what you are going through but also to yourself. I know that idea may cross others, as queer, strange and odd, but maybe you just have to step outside yourself to get to know who you are. what makes you what defines the inner uniquity that makes you you.

Here lately I have felt like I have been losing my mind, having memory loss episodes that throw me straight into chaos. Before this happened I would wake up in the middle of the night with an anxiety/panic attack. Or I would just be sitting there, most of the time that means Studying, calm and what not and my heart will just start pumping, adrenaline is surging and I feel like I'm freaking out and I DON'T know why. NOT COOL.

I've been in and out of the doctor's office twice the past couple of weeks, trying to get a grip. The first med change turned me into a zombie and I have yet to wait for this next med change to take action. I know a lot of people are anti-meds, but honestly, without the Lexapro I have been on, my life would still be an extreme up down and back to hell again broken roller coaster ride that never ended.

Now I'm just taking a break, just to put my random thoughts of weirdness down. Is it entertaining for you? It does good for me....

I am biased, but my kids are too frikkin cute. Asa is talking like a madman and has a personality out of no where. He feels the urge to be stronger than everone because he's use to being the youngest one who couldn't keep up.

Kiara is the quirky little princess of mine who tries to be prissy with a baby-talk accent. She let her daddy take out a tooth today, that's her second gap right now, and she's got three others that want to come out, so she will soon be the toothlessth wonder. She's still my power prayer warrior.

Mikah, he's just funny. He makes up scenarios in his head like a comic strip. He's creative, and super sensitive. God's tugging at him, I see resistence here and there, but that natural love for God is growing inside him. I look at him and just get that feeling that greatness awaits just around the corner. Not sure what, who or how, but just something.

My sweet husband. Always working harder and harder to be that daddy he knew he could be and in my eyes, he done passed it. He's been so patient with me during this emotional time, and I have been able to lean on him and just trust him to care for me when I cannot do it for myself. When I see how much better we both are in our marriage I just want to praise God. We all need work, this is a journey after all, but day in and day out I'm so grateful that he is my life partner in crime.

We looked at a house today, it was awesome. Keep praying for everything to go and grow in God's way, not our's. Good night.

Blessings

My brain is tired, my body feels exhausted and yet again I have a paper due tomorrow I am getting stuck on over and over again. Grrrrrrrrrr. So here I am writing about something else in hopes that my brain and I will begin to work together once again.

My oldest son Mikah always as something to make me think and feel I am so not ready to have him grow up yet, and at that same moment I'm excited and hopeful about the man he will become. Of course I feel the same way about the other two, but he's older and I see more maturity in him than the other two for obvious reasons.

When I study, I go and hide in our big family bedroom. He comes back there to grab something or whatnot, then comes over to me and hugs me and says he's proud I study so hard, gives me an almost tearful smile then walks out of the room. This he has done in scrambled ways many times. Makes me all fuzzy inside.

There is a little 2 year old girl and a 3 month old girl living with us as well. There was a time when the 2 year old was not able to get out of her crib yet, because the adult had said no. Apparently when the adult came in to get her 15 minutes later, she found Mikah sitting there reading to the 2 year old. And on top of that he is the only one who can get her to repeat anything (which we have found that Mikah can be a jokster at this) The 3 month old, he just melts over, anything that can make her smile, he is so willing to go the extra mile to do it. THAT GUY JUST ROCK!

Kiara has been my little singer. She's just in love with singer and asks me to sing to her every night before bed. The night of church, I saw her drummin on someone's guitar case, singing "There's a Stirring" (thx Kristen,luv ya) which is one of Kiwi's favorite songs.

Well, my brain is finally allowing me to do something called an essay so I best jump off here and take advantage. Blessings everyone!

Danae, the only thing I can tell you is that living with our pastors and in community has been the one true thing that has helped us. Scott and I lost each other long ago and were just barely surviving each day. Eventually when I was right about to take the final step of making an end of our marriage, God threw truth in my face and showed me where I needed to be by showing me where the best place for the ones I hold so dear are-my children whom I just happened to let Scott take when I told him I gave up.

I had to see the sins I had and that it wasn't all Scott. Yes he had his part too, but honestly when I came back, I had a great friend that God spoke through to me and how she didn't even recognize me anymore. Yeah it hurt and burned hearing it, but hey sometimes love hurts and sometimes when we as people need change in someone so bad, we normally have to begin the change with ourselves. I don't know what you are going through recently, but all I know is that I'm praying for you. I have never forgotten you in my prayers.I will email sometime son and we can do our prayers and whatnots then. Love you girl.....sorry if blogging this was weird, but I felt that this was something a lot of people didn't know.

So lately I have been suffering from these anxiety/panic attacks. They just come out of no where and all of a sudden I feel like I just want to scream. My heart starts pounding and I just feel out of control. I saw my doctor about it and she put me on something that I can take that calms me down. I'm half and half when it comes to pharmaceuticals. A big part of me wants to go herbal and homeopathic all the way, but then the other part of me is just so desperate to get these issues fix, no more testing the waters. Anyways I'm going to continue to work with my doctor and also find out if there are any herbal remedies I can also mix in for my issues.

On other issues, I will be calling to set up some appointments to check out these two townhomes that are side by side for our possible future community house. Any prayers on the would be fantabulous. Other than all that, I'm studying my guts out, Scott and I are doing very good, and the kids rock, yes sometimes they rock the houseboat in not a good way, but hey they are just kids, can't change that :)

Blessings

So it has been told to me in nicer words I need to get off my lazy ass and start blogging again. Here I am!
What's been going on with Heather: I have been going to school full-time at El Centro College. I am aiming for nursing or ultrasound technician. Right now I am taking college english, almost college math(haven't a clue on tech term) and human anatomy and physiology. Pretty cool and definitely keeps me busy.

What the Miller's are doing. We are going through an exciting healing process and becoming the family God intended for us to be more and more. Yes there are days where I just want to kick Scott in his butt, but most of the time I restrain myself and use words. I am always telling my kids to use their words, its time I listen.

Right now we are living with the Poe's........on purpose even. Both of our families have thought and prayed hard about it and we all feel its for long term, not sure how long, but that's God's deal not our's. More than a month ago the Mattingly family of five moved in as well. Its been a backa dn forth transition, but adapting to that many people inside one 3 bedroom house can be. Luckily before Scott and the kids arrive the back garage had been changed into a sleeping quarters for the Miller crew.

We are currently homeschooling the Piller (Poe & Miller) kids, which has been fun and adventurest and challenging at times. I don't get to help much because I normally take that time to study. Also we are currently looking for a six bedroom house with at least 2-3 baths in a location that we can still have church and many members/friends do not have to travel. I really feel God has this place already picked out but right now we just have to obey him and learn to listen to His heart so we can find it. Please pray for this to happen in God's timing. With the financial horror all over the world, we are continuously trying to just look at God's economy.

Specific Prayers just from me are:
-5-6 bedrooms with at least an extra room
-2-3 bathrooms
-a lot of parking area for church
-a big (hopefully fenced in) backyard for the kids to play and gardening
-Big living room for community living
-specific place for dining table to stay put, making it easier for community meals during church and during everyday life
-home school room
-needs to be safe to live in, no infestations,mold,about to fall apart

Wow that looks like a lot when you write it out, but right now all I can do is pray and the more who do, that would rock.

Thanks for your prayers and I will try to blog when I can.

Blessings

I do have to be honest, I was going to vote this year. WAS. I argued with myself constantly about why I should vote. They say our voice counts...wtf ever. Our voice only would count if they counted EACH vote, instead of this electoral college crud.

Let me tell you why I was going to vote. At first it only struck my interest because my english teacher is passing out bonus points for voters....I know I am sooooooooooo pathetic. Then I realized how pathetic it was for me to only vote because of bonus points.

Then I figured, well maybe its time for me to just vote and at least be able to say there I voted, but it didn't make a difference anyways because the state I live in.

So anyways I go back and forth over all of the crap and when I finally realize my chance for registering might be at an end, I looked online and it was. So much for that.

Last time I blogged about this, some person with an opinion like myself pretty much told me I had no right to complain about who became president and all of that hoopla. In my OPINION to those people, they can shovel it because with the mess Bush 1 and Bush 2 drugged this country with it'll take not only a saint, but a magician to lift this country up, and I don't believe any politician in that matter can do that. In the end it will take an uproar of people, much protest and a rise of the people to claim this country back from the government.

We also need to stop killing our brothers and sisters over in these other countries and just bring them home already and let our other brothers and sisters be at peace not worrying about whether or not one of our explosives are going to kill their children.

Overall, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my opinion, take, leave, or burn it.