Well......

So a lot has been going on.....Mostly little things, but a ton of them. Today, I received my diagnosis for why I've been having trouble breathing.I am Borderline COPD. Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder. I am 34 years old, and have been a smoker since the age of 10... But when I was young, I use to do a lot of other stupid things too, but those came later (12-16). I use to huff chemicals as well. I did quit smoking for a year or 2 back in 2003, but picked it back up again. Still that's 22 years...... So I have myself a moment, and am sure I will have more today, but this diagnosis has shined a light on some things. I've been losing weight, stressed out/anxiety higher, maybe even a little bit of depression that sneaks its ugly head in here and there. Muscle weakness.. But you know what? I'm going to kick it in it's ass. I'm refusing to wallow in this and I am going to not only get through it, but better my health. I'm going to use this as motivation. Motivation to live to the fullest, no matter what. Motivation to teach my children. Motivation to take care of myself not only better, but the best I've ever taken care of myself and have my family jump on the same wagon. Yes, right at this very second I feel defeated. I'm just going to list the whys: 1. I've has to battle doctors for 8 months for my son's diagnosis 2. I've had to pull my daughter out of school because of depression and anxiety 3. I eventually pulled my son out of school because of his health. 4. I tried homeschooling the kids, but ..... I think mostly they needed the time to breathe and sort through...life 5.I had to quit my job so I could fight the doctors and insurance 6. We lost my husband's grandmother, which in turn made it feel like we lost Phyllis and Sarah all over again 7. Oldest's struggles with depression/anxiety as well 8. Youngest has other issues going on along with narcolepsy w/ cataplexy...puberty, anger/rage/panic/anxiety attacks 9. Middle child struggles with relationships 10. My grandmother had to be in a nursing home,after she had a mass removed from her cheek, she was beginning to yell at people who weren't there. Later to find out she had cancer in her lungs, liver and spleen, as well as lymphoma 11. Youngest had other health issues arise, out of respect for him I won't mention them, but there were 3 issues, nothing huge, but bothersome and stressful all the same 12. Financial nonstop stress of not working anymore 13. I was mostly a taxi to/from for everyone, we are a one car family...need I even say how much I drove in a day 14. I had/have dental issues for not going to the dentist/taking care of my teeth, and also have HUGE anxiety going. Therefore I have a system I inform the dental care peeps, when I raise my hand, stop what you are doing, give me a second to take a breath, then they can carry on...the hygienist did not do this............didn't end well 15. The lady in the dentist office told me 3 times when I asked, that my 2 insurances would cover everything, later to find out that I couldn't have the most problematic areas covered until NEXT year, to find out MUCH later that it IS covered...thank you god for that (THIS TYPE OF THING HAPPENS ALL OF THE TIME WITH EVERYTHING FOR US) 16. I was told I was going to lose my insurance because I did not comply and send the payment, even though I never received a bill and was never told I needed to pay (state insurance ftw) all to find out (after a month long fight) that yes, I needed to pay something all along, however they saw that nothing was mailed to me therefore I had my case resolved 17. My hands, knees, back, legs and hips consistently give me some kind of discomfort/pain/weakness/UGH and the doctor just wants to throw medicine at it rather than find out why (yet another argument) 18. My oldest is soon to be 18....I can't even begin... 19. My grandmother passed away 20. The brakes on our ONE car were getting bad, finally I got tired of asking/waiting/fearing for my/our life/lives (I'm the taxi) so I was able to have a friend change out the pads and roters....just to have a new sound appear the following day..oh yes and oil is slowly leaking....and just yesterday black plastic shavings? were coming through the air conditioning vents. 21. My brother was admitted in the hospital for really high blood pressure 22. We finally were able to buy a van, the one I found was my dream van, used, yes, but mostly in good condition. Was told it was going to be fixed right, it was not. I bought an extended warranty, to later be told by the guy who sold me the van (2 days after I picked it up) that they would not fix/look at it free of charge that not only did I have to pay $109 just for them to look at it, but also that it wouldn't be covered under the warranty. Tears happened so I couldn't argue it hasn't even been home two days, I attempted to call back and you know when it goes to voicemail after 2 rings, that person is avoiding. I had to pass this battle to my amazing hubby who talked with the General manager, and we will take the van in tomorrow. (This on is more resent and fresh, so I'm still URRRG lol 23. While simplifying our home, I must have lifted too much and now have 3 distinct area in my abdomen/groin that are quite painful, was told that I probably have a hernia from one doctor (who didn't want to mess with it since I was seeing my primary the following day), to I'm just at risk for a hernia, weak abdomen muscles from child bearing, blah blah blah...to my borderline COPD diagnosis. So, there's that and honestly so much more in between that I'm sure to have forgotten (which is ok). Please know that I am typing this out, NOT to be attention seeking, but to ask for prayer, but MOSTLY so I can accept it, forgive it, then move forward. I've been carrying it all with me. No longer, though. I will continue to battle life's challenges. I will continue to advocate for my loved ones and fight for what is right. But I need to be more positive. Everything that we've been going through has turned my thoughts into pure negativity, and that gets us no where fast. And God has a plan. God is readying our family for something. God has my family in his arms. Peace and flowers to you all!