Friday, July 22, 2016
So a lot has been going on.....Mostly little things, but a ton of them. Today, I received my diagnosis for why I've been having trouble breathing.I am Borderline COPD. Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder. I am 34 years old, and have been a smoker since the age of 10... But when I was young, I use to do a lot of other stupid things too, but those came later (12-16). I use to huff chemicals as well. I did quit smoking for a year or 2 back in 2003, but picked it back up again. Still that's 22 years...... So I have myself a moment, and am sure I will have more today, but this diagnosis has shined a light on some things. I've been losing weight, stressed out/anxiety higher, maybe even a little bit of depression that sneaks its ugly head in here and there. Muscle weakness.. But you know what? I'm going to kick it in it's ass. I'm refusing to wallow in this and I am going to not only get through it, but better my health. I'm going to use this as motivation. Motivation to live to the fullest, no matter what. Motivation to teach my children. Motivation to take care of myself not only better, but the best I've ever taken care of myself and have my family jump on the same wagon. Yes, right at this very second I feel defeated. I'm just going to list the whys: 1. I've has to battle doctors for 8 months for my son's diagnosis 2. I've had to pull my daughter out of school because of depression and anxiety 3. I eventually pulled my son out of school because of his health. 4. I tried homeschooling the kids, but ..... I think mostly they needed the time to breathe and sort through...life 5.I had to quit my job so I could fight the doctors and insurance 6. We lost my husband's grandmother, which in turn made it feel like we lost Phyllis and Sarah all over again 7. Oldest's struggles with depression/anxiety as well 8. Youngest has other issues going on along with narcolepsy w/ cataplexy...puberty, anger/rage/panic/anxiety attacks 9. Middle child struggles with relationships 10. My grandmother had to be in a nursing home,after she had a mass removed from her cheek, she was beginning to yell at people who weren't there. Later to find out she had cancer in her lungs, liver and spleen, as well as lymphoma 11. Youngest had other health issues arise, out of respect for him I won't mention them, but there were 3 issues, nothing huge, but bothersome and stressful all the same 12. Financial nonstop stress of not working anymore 13. I was mostly a taxi to/from for everyone, we are a one car family...need I even say how much I drove in a day 14. I had/have dental issues for not going to the dentist/taking care of my teeth, and also have HUGE anxiety going. Therefore I have a system I inform the dental care peeps, when I raise my hand, stop what you are doing, give me a second to take a breath, then they can carry on...the hygienist did not do this............didn't end well 15. The lady in the dentist office told me 3 times when I asked, that my 2 insurances would cover everything, later to find out that I couldn't have the most problematic areas covered until NEXT year, to find out MUCH later that it IS covered...thank you god for that (THIS TYPE OF THING HAPPENS ALL OF THE TIME WITH EVERYTHING FOR US) 16. I was told I was going to lose my insurance because I did not comply and send the payment, even though I never received a bill and was never told I needed to pay (state insurance ftw) all to find out (after a month long fight) that yes, I needed to pay something all along, however they saw that nothing was mailed to me therefore I had my case resolved 17. My hands, knees, back, legs and hips consistently give me some kind of discomfort/pain/weakness/UGH and the doctor just wants to throw medicine at it rather than find out why (yet another argument) 18. My oldest is soon to be 18....I can't even begin... 19. My grandmother passed away 20. The brakes on our ONE car were getting bad, finally I got tired of asking/waiting/fearing for my/our life/lives (I'm the taxi) so I was able to have a friend change out the pads and roters....just to have a new sound appear the following day..oh yes and oil is slowly leaking....and just yesterday black plastic shavings? were coming through the air conditioning vents. 21. My brother was admitted in the hospital for really high blood pressure 22. We finally were able to buy a van, the one I found was my dream van, used, yes, but mostly in good condition. Was told it was going to be fixed right, it was not. I bought an extended warranty, to later be told by the guy who sold me the van (2 days after I picked it up) that they would not fix/look at it free of charge that not only did I have to pay $109 just for them to look at it, but also that it wouldn't be covered under the warranty. Tears happened so I couldn't argue it hasn't even been home two days, I attempted to call back and you know when it goes to voicemail after 2 rings, that person is avoiding. I had to pass this battle to my amazing hubby who talked with the General manager, and we will take the van in tomorrow. (This on is more resent and fresh, so I'm still URRRG lol 23. While simplifying our home, I must have lifted too much and now have 3 distinct area in my abdomen/groin that are quite painful, was told that I probably have a hernia from one doctor (who didn't want to mess with it since I was seeing my primary the following day), to I'm just at risk for a hernia, weak abdomen muscles from child bearing, blah blah blah...to my borderline COPD diagnosis. So, there's that and honestly so much more in between that I'm sure to have forgotten (which is ok). Please know that I am typing this out, NOT to be attention seeking, but to ask for prayer, but MOSTLY so I can accept it, forgive it, then move forward. I've been carrying it all with me. No longer, though. I will continue to battle life's challenges. I will continue to advocate for my loved ones and fight for what is right. But I need to be more positive. Everything that we've been going through has turned my thoughts into pure negativity, and that gets us no where fast. And God has a plan. God is readying our family for something. God has my family in his arms. Peace and flowers to you all!
Monday, July 18, 2016
Good morning, loves! So far this morning I have lost my purse, my cup of coffee three times, and have pulled a sliver of glass out of my husband's foot before taking him to work. Busy morning already haha! So....let me just ask one question to the universe....with how much my coffee means to me, how does one lose it, not once, but THREE TIMES! Ha! ***THIS IS WHERE WHILE TYPING, I TOOK A DRINK OF SAID COFFEE, WENT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE AND I COUGHED COFFEE ON THE FAMILY LAPTOP*** Okay, okay,I'll calm down....though I'm not really upset. Waking up can be rough to say the least. I woke up in the middle of the night to give Asa his medicine, it was storming really good. The lightening was a consistent strobe light and the thunder was the bass of a bad stereo. All the while, I'm going in circles, worrying about the cats (which I have confirm the wellness of), but mostly of what has been happening around our world. So much pain, so many deaths, so much sickness, so many addictions, afflictions, and misunderstandings. Be still my heart, for it feels too much. I've been consistently reminded of 24/7 prayer, and will reread Red Moon Rising, but I'm wanting to do something different in the space and place we are......just not sure exactly how it will look. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this weekend we got a lot of things done. Tables have been switched out....trash has been eliminated...mostly old bills/random papers, and the closet swept out and a massive side table cleared. I should have taken a before and after picture! Cause our home is losing the weight of materials. And IT IS GOOD. I, however, overdid it. A year and a half ago I had a hysterectomy and partial oopherectomy (Dear spell check, learn medical words, I spelled it right! lol.) and have had my gallbladder(2009?) removed, as well as my tubes tied in 2004. Well, I need to listen to my body more, because even though all of those were laproscopic, minimally invasive, it can have risks. I'm fine now, but doing a lot of NOT bending over and NOT lifting anything. I see my female doctor today and my primary care doctor tomorrow....luckily these were already set up.....kind of for the same reason. I set up the female appointment to see if it is safe for me to start weight training and if so how to appropriately do it without hurting myself. Well there are at least 3 areas that hurt pretty good yesterday, so I tapped out, and called it a day. Prayers would be wonderful. The weight training isn't so I'll be buff, but it is to raise my endurance of every day life. I have pain that flares through my body (legs, hips, whole back and neck, elbows, wrist/hands, yes I know I'm a mess lol)and I'm hoping exercise and toning my muscles will alleviate some of it. It may not be as bad as it sounds, but its not usually all at once. And I'm not just sitting down all day, actually its quite the opposite. I'm in my garden, being taxi mom, cleaning, sewing, painting, dancing, singing, laughing. So, now for a physician's (or two) advice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also, today.................I'm bringing home our new (to us) minivan. This is HUGE! I've been patient for a second vehicle, which will make life easier, especially when I start working, but mostly this will help the kids be eager to travel more. Even just driving to Lafayette, is brutal on my tall, leggy kids. And Asa has a very hard time with small spaces.....THIS IS GOOD FOR US. Plus it is set up to store the seats in the floor, or use that space as storage while the seats are up.........This is the beginning.......of something great. Our carriage awaits us, I'm just waiting on the call :) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Simplifying life isn't easy. For me, it is taking sweat, blood, and tears , though not much of the latter two. Just by getting rid of things, it is already easier to breathe. And the lesson of patience is strong, but I'm listening. My lovely daughter has pointed out to me that a lot of things I have been patiently waiting for is finally happening...sometimes when you are in the middle of it, you can't quite see it, like being a drop of paint in a mural. Simplifying life isn't easy.....but breathing is crucial to my tribe, and we want to breathe free. The time is now....and later. Blessings. Flowers and Peace to you all!
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Hello Blog, miss me? A lot has happened since we spoke last, but I don't dwell on the past too much, so let's move forward. Right now my oldest son is 17, daughter 14.5, and Youngest son about to turn 12. I have teenagers now. And they are still alive and so are we :) I call that an accomplishment. GOOD JOB MOMMA! Where I have failed? I didn't stay diligent. I didn't hold tight to my faith. I stopped seeing God everywhere, in everything. I turned my back, all the while having my head turned to argue with Him. I don't know how you handle your relationship with God, but the only way I know how to do this myself, is to consider this as a true relationship. It's all exciting when its new and fresh, but eventually there are disagreements, hearts broken, misunderstandings, and then maybe even a little bit of bitterness. Yes, I have yelled at God, cursed him, and walked away throwing my hands up......though never forgetting He was always there. I didn't persevere the last time, I just threw my hands up. I walked away, every now and then picking up the phone, dialing the number, just to hang up. I miss church....community.....worship.....prayer......I miss the feeling of wonder..that anything can happen. I miss the safe feeling I had. Well, here I am. We already lost Phyllis (my mom-in-law), Sarah ( my dear friend and sis-in-law), my husband and I have been through a divorce, and have gotten married again. To each other. (This makes 3 wedding, and 1 divorce.....third times a charm!) Our youngest began an 8 month struggle that just began as sleeping all of the time, to full-body collapses.....to finally find out (after asking/fighting with the doctors to test for narcolepsy, which they never properly did, hence extending the extreme and intense worry) that my son has narcolepsy with cataplexy. Then to lose Mama C right before the diagnosis. Watching and trying to guide my teens through depression, anxiety, hormones, migraines, L.I.F.E.... Losing the lovely Debbie, an inspiration to us all, causing thoughts of reflection. Then, to lose Grandma G......Watching my mother lose her mother.....Breathe......just breathe. That summary doesn't even touch the many things that have been thrown at us, but it gives you enough of an idea. However it hasn't been all bad, doom and gloom. The diagnosis for narcolepsy was received as a blessing. After being told SEVERAL times it was not, then worrying about the other possibilities, narcolepsy isn't life threatening...life-long, yes, but when treated and educated not life threatening. AND I FINALLY FOUND A DOCTOR WHO KNEW WHAT TO LOOK FOR. She ran the appropriate tests, to confirm our/her diagnosis, and then after a fight with the insurance, we were able to get him treatment. He's doing much better, and is looking forward to school in a couple of weeks. We have a couple of outside kittens, named Nuke and Alfie. Boy and girl. Adorable and all get out, and they are the best anti-depressants ever! And they keep the rabbits from destroying my garden :) Did I mention I have a garden. Let me say that properly.......GARDENS! I have my memorial garden, my vegetable garden, and my flower patches. I have taken some of Sarah's teapots that she use to collect and have been using them as planters. My first food garden is growing carrots, habenaro and Jalepeno peppers, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, cantelope, watermelon, corn and radishes, and I just planted the pumpkins. It is a beautiful garden. And I have a newfound love.....growing things. When I grow anything, I see God's hands. And it teaches me patience, creates wonder, and weeding the garden is therapeutic. The urge to purge is strong. Simplifying life is hard for most, but even though its gets worse before it gets better, I'm aware of the process, slowly seeing progess, but understanding good changes are happening and these things take time. Purging our belongings is like weeding my garden, getting rid of the unnecessary to make room for the necessary (which will not be materialistic) Change is in the air....good changes...not sure what, but it will be beautiful. Flowers and peace to you!