Tuesday, October 18, 2016

That thunder you hear, its about to change your life.......

I got a bit of news yesterday. It not only opened up old wounds, but explained some things. My heart is already so raw from these recent years. How can it take anymore? Well, it did. And the answer to that is because and only because of sweet Jesus Christ. I can't handle a lot of this on my own. Praying helps me get that peace and understanding. I'm not instantly healed, not sure how long that will take, but it will heal and the scars I will bear will be reminders of what it means to bury something so deep and dark from someone you love for so long. This will help me not do it to someone else. With it though, I feel like an emerging butterfly from its cocoon. Being deceived is not easy, and take into the effects of it for 12-13 years, I shake my head and hold my heart when I cry. My heart is not easily manipulated. I have intense trust issues that not many see on the surface. But one thing about me, is if I choose to love you, you will be loved. I am a fierce people. This year God has given me more of an ability to cry. I am not a crier by any means. It use to only happen when I got very angry or lost someone very dear. Now it happens ALL OF THE TIME. And today I can say thank you God for opening the flood gates. I was able to cry it out, grieve, mourn the lost time of not knowing something. The illusions I was led to believe. The awful feeling of being the only imperfect one.... I was able to cry it out and forgive. Yes, this changes things. It changes hearts and minds, but in reality and every day life.....it changes nothing. The person who deceived me and myself will continue on, if not stronger than we were before. By the grace and only by the grace of our heavenly Father, we will not only learn from this, but grow from it as well. Thank you Abba, even though I may not always understand, thank you.

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