A New Kind of Moon

So I'm getting a snack ready in the kitchen while the kids are hnging out in the living room. As I come out I glance in the living room, when something catches my eye......you wanna know? Do you really??????? Yup, you do! It was Asa's naked bum! Not only was it it naked, it was sticking up in the air shaking back and forth while his head was to the floor and one leg in the air while he hummed, "La la la loo"

He gets it from his daddy's side.

Like Father Like Son

So everytime Scott reads at home he reads aloud. This is just a normal thing here. Well the night before last Mikah was in his room, and the main reason how I knew he stayed in bed was because he read to himself out loud, just like his daddy. How sweet is that. I must also mention a most grand accomplishment of Mikah's. He finished reading his bible story book in 2.5 days. This book has over 180 pages. That's just awesome.

Our First Thanksgiving Together

Thursday wasn't the very first time we all spent Thanksgiving together. Last year was Asa's first. No, but this year we had a lot of firsts, and it was marvelously grand!

+This is our first Thanksgiving in Texas
+Our first Thanksgiving at home with the little Miller bunch
+Our first Thanksgiving not having to be in the car for most of the day
+OOur first untraditional Thanksgiving Day meal plan (Veggie pizza & Burritos)
+Our first vegetarian Thanksgiving meal
+Our first time making homemade pizza (which was the best friggin' pizza I've ever had!)
+Our first time making Chipotle-mocked burritos at home
+Our first holiday together that actually FELT like a holiday


Yeah baby! It was that good, and even better.

The Gift Of Forgiveness

I received a much needed to hear letter from a member of my family that should have been close in relationship, but never has been. This was the person that has been very trying and difficult to forgive, but I have chosen to do that a while ago. This was first time I've been asked by that person for forgiveness. It was a confession I've never thought I would hear and I heard it. It humbled me in the right way too. There are reasons for not expecting this from this person. A very thick and hard shell has surrounded him/her for as long as I've known him/her. I always imagined if I ever had this moment that I would just turn my back and walk away.......but when I heard this, it was completely God moving me into the promise to forgive by opening my heart. I can't see this person physically for awhile, but this pushes me to make my letter more frequent.

I so didn't see this coming today.....

Restlessnessish stuff

Today I feel stuck......really stuck. I feel as if I can't do things, yet I dream of so much more than what we are doing now. I wish to do so much with my family, but I feel there's just not enough courage for it. I find myself a little mad about it, but then I realize I'm in a coveting mood, then my emotions flip from anger to depressed. I don't know which way to even pursue, and what's being led, and what's being dreamt. I'm sure it's all dreamt, but is it led also?????? Yeah no specifics, cause there's just too much to go through on it. I want to travel everywhere, experience everything, and grow with people. I want our family to do this together. Granted we are a mess and might be forever, but I don't want to feel stuck anymore. I want to go on "adventures" and walk totally on faith.....but when it comes to the ordeal of us doing it as a family, we all have to be willing. The ways of the world causes too much of a wall for that sometimes. I'm tired of dreaming.....I'm tired of all of the things that separate me from reality and puts me in this place I find myself today. I'm tired of this wave that just keeps coming back.



Update:

After some time on my knees with God and some heavy prayer I have found a sense of peace. Still many questions, but there's some peace to it finally. I still feel pushed towards something, but I feel I have some time to figure out what it is. It's something good and challenging........time will tell. Thanks for listening.

The darkness is leaving

This wave of depression is starting to end. I noticed it a couple o days ago. I'm very grateful for the time of it passing. And now I kind of feel stupid for it happening, but that's just part of the cycle, and soon I'll be Confident and ready to conquer the world.....well maybe not, but I know my kids always enjoy this part, because most of my energy is spent towards them. This time I need to change it up a little. I can keep in tune with my kids, but also make time for me, little bit by little bit. Managing my time is hard, but can be done. I just need some good habits and regularity in tasks and then all shall be good. Its not over yet, but I can finally see some light.

A Chart That can change the path of mankind

Yeah........okay, maybe not mankind, but the paths and mindset of my children. We've set up a positive actions chart for Mikah and Kiara, and so far it is working brilliantly. The kids get stickers for every good deed on the poster, and then after three stickers they can trade those for a little privelage. I can't believe I haven't done this before....its been on my mind to do it, but I always assumed the kids wouldn't get into it. Well they are diggin it and I'm diggin it. I may change it though. Right now it has very specific stuff up there that we've been having problems with, but I'm thinking about doing a kind of fruits of the spirit type thing so we can have God take hold of it for us as well it will be a great way of teaching and embedding upon these kids the great ways God wants us to live, not only for ourselves but for others as well.

My darkness

Here lately I've been in sinking mode. It comes and goes and its extremely difficult to fight off. Here letely I've been struggling with parenthood and wifehood. I suck at both of these and the realization is coming into clarity more and more. Its more struggling of how to to screw up the kids and my husband by my actions or unavailable actions. How to discipline for long term success and how to control my patience to be ever lasting. Yeah this to me seems unreal and not a plottable path. Absolutely impossible it seems, as well as never-ending.

Then I get stuck in my mode of dreams where I can escape with my family to anywhere and we can just learn how to be a family together.....and we can support our family on the road...or something. I'm tired of this struggle and tired of feeling like I've failed on so many levels. And I'm feeling depressed and very pissed off about it.

I'm ready for this wave to be done.

A bunch of sickos

Man, oh, man. This is quite the weekend. Everyone, but me, is sick and there's snot everywhere! Well, not everywhere, but with three sick kids it can get yucky gooey. My biggest chore????? Me not getting sick. I've been popping vitamin C like candy for prevention...let's just hope it works.

So tomorrow's trick or treat night. Can't say I'm looking forward to it much. Can't afford anything and don't have time to make it either....which is okay. I'm sure we can wing it.

So anyways, I think Scott and the fam needs to travel the country for a year and visit all of the churches we are in somewhat contact with and write a book about our journey. Yeah.....that would be fun and mighty interesting.....but okay dreams over and reality says we're broke......so let's move on, shall we?

I'm thinking I'm getting close to the end of my wave of darkness....at least I'm hoping. I guess we'll find out soon.

I've been officially blessed :)

So the Nygren's came up with a sneaky little plan to help me realize I can still be crafty and artsy even with my kids around. Unfortunately the boys of the house were all sick and couldn't go with us to Quiggly's Clayhouse. It was the perfect medicine for the waves that have been flooding through. It gave me a very nice break and was wonderful to see Kelly and Justin pre-baby arrival. I'm always in awe of first time parents pre-baby and once the baby arrives. I juggle three now and its definitely different. That first child you get the extra sweet one on one time. Its a very special time.

So anyways, Kiara just absolutely LOVED Christine at the clayhouse. I mean LOVED her. She same home that night all smiles. We haven't seen her that happy in a LONG time. Yeah, she's had fun, but this was definitely different. I can't wait to pick up my masterpiece. I'll put up a pic when it arrives. Thanks to the Nygren's for a wonderful time.

Now I need to load up on some serious vitamin C so these guys don't get me sick.....Here's to hoping!

Not sure where we are, but okay with moving forward

So Doxolgy was awesome, but I must admit, the camping part of it was the best. It was very freeing. I'm looking forward to actually owning our own tent and camping stuff to do this often with the kids. I got to meet some great people and hope to maintain some kinds of contact with them.

Our home time has been kind of rough with Mikah here lately. We aren't sure how to deal with certain behaviors and its been quite disturbing. Hopefully we can break these cycles soon or at least get a clue of what to do to maintain boundaries with a consistent method.

i found a part time seasonal job at a craft store. Its not what I expected it to be, but I am very grateful and thankful. The search for something else is still on though, sicne its not enough hours to cover what our needs are. Either way its a better situation than before.

I'm sewing once again. I have a couple of projects I'm getting ready for a craft fair that I'm hoping to sell there. That'll be very encouraging if I can actually sell some of them.

Asa's pushing through three molars at once and is being quite the tough guy about it. Every now and then he gets whiny and really fussy, but not much of a difference compared to pre-teething. He's becoming so aware of almost everything now.

Kiara's learning in a whole new way I never thought possible, but hey its the way she learns. She's learning how to write, spell, and read as she's learning how to recognize her ABC's . It's taking time and patience, but she's very willing to learn most of the time, so why not! I'm very curious as to how long it'll take her to learn how to read. She's already writing her name better and better each time and I can finally make out exactly what letters she's writing! Very neat stuff.

Yeah Baby

So here we come Houston...I hope your ready to meet Scotty, Asa and myself this weekend, because there's been just enough open doors for our journey! We're heading to check this out, join the party and see old and meet new friends. The older two are staying with friends and we will be camping out in our car.....yeah baby. Funds were actually extremely limited for this, but I found some Miller-unused ebayable items, and made just enough for the trip. Am I excited???? DARN RIGHT I AM! The last time it was just us three, we were apartment/vacationing down here in March-ish time. ROAD TRIP!

The Silent Nodds have Begun

So I have one of these things that I enjoy with people....especially my children and family. You can imagine it at least....you and everyone in the room are sitting close enough to read each other's faces. You are eith er enjoying a meal/snack, or just chilling out doing something you enjoy quietly. You glance at one another.....then here it comes... a smile and a nodd. No words needed to describe this kind of moment, its already understood. And the silence is okay, because you are comfortable and content enough with each other.

Well tonight I baked chocolate chip cookies without the chocolate chips.....and it happened for the first time with Asa, Kiara and myself. I have had these moments with Kiara before, but this the first with Asa. It was beautiful.

Still Praying......still playing

I went to a job interview today which I was an hour late for......but was still I think, a good interview. I feel it went very well. no answers yet, but hopefully very soon those will come.

Struggling like crazy to stay at my current job during this search for a new one...very difficult mentally to be there around certain people. I think I stay because God has kept that door open during a recent time....and I guess I stay because we rely on that check. What's funny is that when I write that, I feel God saying I don't need to rely on that....I need to rely on Him. I need to recognize that He's the one who provides...not my boss or my job. But I'm not clear on the question of staying on until I find another, or just leaving now to free up more time to find another...... I'm hoping to find this out with a conversation and prayer tonight. I hate feeling pulled in both directions like this....I trust, but is it enough trust? I hear but do I hear it clearly?


I've been playing with the kids more. This is good time and great fun and I wish I had more of it. Homeschooling has been good, with of course some off days, but still good times. I can't even imagine how it would be if we put them in public schools. Granted people do it and their kids come out fine, but this is how the Miller's need to do it right now. Its just good for us. I've struggled with it and probably will at times in the future, but that's natural. And its jusst not easy stuff to do. Its a lot of sacrifice......especially at first, but anymore its not sacrificial to us in how we feel about it. Being able to say this truthfully encourages me for the future.

Reality On Check

A change in coming......scared shitless, but excited. Not sure yet what kind of change, but I really feel God throwing me into it. This I am thankful for,just because I've been lazy in my spiritual walk, and I'm thinking He's finally gotten fed up with me, so here we go. I'm pretty sure this will get interesting. I'll try to elaborate more when I find the right words.

So What Exactly Are You Trying To Say????

So I went to the library yesterday with Mikah and Kiara. If you don't know already, Mikah reads better than me right now, hee hee, well pretty dang close anyways. We were in the self help section for me and the kids wanted to follow me. Mikah picked up the copy of "Parenting for Dummies" book and handed it to me and told me Scott and I needed this! Very blunt kid. I would want to say this hits pretty close to home, but....DUH! So to end this story.......I borrowed the book.

Hello! Coffee......Wake me up already!

I'm on my fourth cup of coffee, and I'm still really stupidly tired. Its the one night I can stay up past nine without worrying about being functional the next day, and I can't even enjoy it because I'm tired and edgy due to my tiredness. Its one of those nights where the more I try to enjoy the kids the more they drive me nuts. All buttons pushed....all lines crossed.... or at least so it seems. Chances are that I'll go lay down and won't be able to sleep but still feel really exhausted. I guess I'm just tired of being tired with being tired. Oh well.....that's enough whining.

So I actually put on the antenna on the tv so I could watch extreme makeover. I haven't done that since we first moved here. I had forgotten we had it until I set up mikah's computer the other day. I'm glad though. tv sucks. i like movies.......no commercials.

So here lately I've been stuck on the parable of the talents. I read it over and over and over and over.....I'm drawn to it. I've been trying to be prayerful about it, but can't filter through my own thoughts from what God might be guiding/telling me with it.
Maybe its nothing...probably. But keeps coming up in my mind. If I were to listen to my own thoughts, then I would start making plans on how to make money by working for myself.....which believe me...I've got plenty of ideas...plenty. But then I question whether or not my family would be ready/okay with that kind of thing. Too many questions/theories/daydreams. Then the ordeal of desires/selfishness come into play once more. That battle always sucks.....and unfortunately never ends.

Either way, the truth is that I'm still drawn to the parable....and I feel something is to be personally learned from it...even if its a seconds worth of knowledge. Another thought process I've been digginf through just here most recently is the obedience we are to have to/with/for God. There's so much in the Old Testament that is mostly to remain in those times right? Well, its really hard to figure out God's brain. Yeah I'm people have written books on this, but its hard to accept someone else's opinion as my own, and its one of those things where I would rather have a discussion that a mindful of papercuts. On this journey I'll plan to pick in the word and attempt to study as much as the life around me will allow. There's also the question of Sabbath.....but that's a whole other lifetime to figure out ;)

Thanks for listening.

Chasing Thoughts

So I've been on edge here lately. Some of the reason is natural, but I'm starting to wonder about the other reason. I feel restless. I want to be creative with a lot of different things and even have a lot of materials to do such, but the time plus energy just seems to not be around. I'm also on a search for new things. A change. What kind of change? Maybe in my job area......who knows. I've been actually chasing that change for awhile now, but haven't been successful obviously. I feel tired and worn and normally when I feel that draining, I get easily depressed. I'm starting to notice a lot of patterns about myself this year.....especially these past couple of months. I have seasons of mood changes and passions, and desires, and undesires. Seasons of selfishness too. I'm starting to wonder if this is a season of selfishness. Like about my want to do my creative outlet projects.....all I hear in my mind is how that would be fun for ME. My job situation and how that would be better for ME. But then I turn around and think that its not selfish because I need to take care of me as well as my family. Blah blah blah freakin blah. I want i want i want.......I wish I could just get a straight answer from God about this crap.

"Hey God, should I even try to find a different job?"

"No, Heather, you need to stay where you are. I have a plan." or

"Well, yeah! I've been waiting for you to get the hint!"

"Hey God, should I even try to do my creative projects?"

"Of course you should! It brings you peace of mind!" or

"Now isn't the time to be messing with that. Now is the time to enjoy your family"



Yup........still no clue.

Uggggggh----yay

Today is one of those days where I find myself both grateful, yet done with the events of the day. I've been in a migrainal hole since yesterday and worked through a nauseatingly cruddy and busy day at work, but right before Scotty went to work a wonderful hero of mine came in and swept my older two kids away for a night of very much needed R&R. It was crash time for my body, and it wasn't pretty. I woke up feeling better, not back to normal. Still on the hungover effect of the migrainal illusion, but better.

Below are some pictures of the kids and their tents. Yes I realize in one Mikah is totally digging away.....this is a part of reality at times with kids. I found it hilarious!

Paul the tent maker ;)