Tuesday, November 01, 2005

My darkness

Here lately I've been in sinking mode. It comes and goes and its extremely difficult to fight off. Here letely I've been struggling with parenthood and wifehood. I suck at both of these and the realization is coming into clarity more and more. Its more struggling of how to to screw up the kids and my husband by my actions or unavailable actions. How to discipline for long term success and how to control my patience to be ever lasting. Yeah this to me seems unreal and not a plottable path. Absolutely impossible it seems, as well as never-ending.

Then I get stuck in my mode of dreams where I can escape with my family to anywhere and we can just learn how to be a family together.....and we can support our family on the road...or something. I'm tired of this struggle and tired of feeling like I've failed on so many levels. And I'm feeling depressed and very pissed off about it.

I'm ready for this wave to be done.

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