doing okay

The holidays are almost done, and I feel nothing about it but relief. The kids got bombarded with a gazillion toys from the granparents, of course way more than they ever need, but there's not much for me to do about that. I've tried directing the grandpaents this year in the route of what they got the kids. As always my mother ignored me cheerfully. I wanted more educational stuff this year. More stuff to help them use their imagination and stretch their minds just a tad. I'm not sure if slot cars fit in that, but they are pretty cool. We had no room for any of these new toys, so I had the kids pick which ones to bag up and store at their grandma's. Eventually most of them will be donated somewhere.

About ten years ago my mom wasn't able to get us anything for Christmas. We had just went through a house fire, and our insurance company wasn't willing to pay us what they owed us for it so my mom had to file bankruptsy. I found out this week that she has been trying to make up for it ever since. She's always tried to get us a bunch of stuff, and since the kids are here she goes overboard with them too. I've told her one christmas not to get me anything, cause I didn't want anything, but to just hang with her, and she got really upset with me about it. I remember fighting with ehr about it all and giving in. I never knew how strongly she felt about her ability to give to others until then. Its just what she craves this time of year.

Our lil fam is doing better. We're kind of trying to renovate how we are with each other. I've tried blogging about it in the past, but everytime I've found myself without words, and the one time I found the words, I changed my mind about sharing. I needed to get it out, but I realized I need to be ready to get it out. I look at our family, and of course we aren't perfect....that wouldn't be interesting I don't think anyways, but we were starting to fall off our paths and focus on God by confusing our priorities. Hopefully we can get back on track soon enough.

Asa has been a riot lately. He's talking on a whole new level, druel everywhere, and even tries to scoot while on his belly. But he's not even five months old yet, so give him time and he'll be chasing his brother and sister. Mikah's reading like crazy. He's going to be so much smarter than his parents.....ha ha he already is! Kiara is so pretty and has the grandest imagination there ever were. I see this very awesome. She's not up to scale with Mikah or even close, but man oh man she can play and pretend! These lil people rock.

An Endless Battle

Before I left for Monticello, I was very close to having a nervous breakdown.....and unfortunately this is not an exaggeration. A gazillion tears have been spent, and four and a half days gone and I think I've regained some of my sanity. Still depressed though, and what sucks is that as I wrote that I'm depressed I felt so selfish about it all. On top of that I'm so angry with myself for allowing it to happen. But in this battle, at times, I just want to give in. Throw in the towel. My kids are awesome,drive me crazy every now and then, but still phenominally awesome. But that's all I feel I have right now. I want to be so mad and angry with God.....it feels like He's started this mess. But I know this isn't true. That's not the God I believe in. Anymore it just gets so damn hard to breathe. I've held too much in for too long, and I feel as if I'm past full. I want to sleep all of the time. My body is fighting me to recover from the surgery. You can't necessarily take it easy with three kids.

Sorry this post is nothing but complaining, but I have nothing else to write about right now.

To Freak or Not to Freak....that is the question.

Okay, so my mom is up this week to help me out after my surgury. Tonite I stretch out my back by leaning backwards and it feels very strange...as if there's actually something hard in my back where there shouldn't be. I assume its just a muscle knot, but still mention it to my mom who is a nurse. She feels what I'm talking about and gives me this very concerned/freaked out look.........yeah! So I ask her why she's appearing this way. She says, "I don't know" in a calm manner, but her eyes are still bulging. So I ask her again, she just repeated herself. So then I ask her why the heck she keeps this wigged out look on her face. She tells me she's never felt anything like that before! Okay.....so then I ask her if I should be concerned....."I don't know.....if its there in the morning.....maybe?" Nothing against my mom but she's got me freaking just a little. I know she's not a doc, but an ER nurse. Please pray for my sanity. This probably is nothing, but I'm still kind of weirded out by it.

Speaking of sanity....I'm off for Monticello for at least a week. I'm hoping to be back friday afternoon.....we'll see.

Just One Of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm alone in what I do. I hate these days.....I soon end up feeling selfish about it all, and then can't figure out why I even feel selfish about it all. I guess I assume too much, or want too much.....but where is the line drawn when you need to ask for help...that sense of huimilty is never there without some selfishness....right? Not a clue here. Just tired of being confused about when to ask for help, when the right time to vent and to whom, and when to just shut my mouth and keep it inside.

the day after tomorrow??????soon?

I've been finding some info in yahoo news that's been disturbing. Not surprising though...it just sounds too much like a recent movie that came out: The Day After Tomorrow. Anyone who has seen it knows what I mean.....disturbing, not surprising.

What I actually find extremely disturbing is that our country..more specifically our president is failing to give a damn about it. It'll hurt our economy.....boohoo. Our country makes possibly the most pollution of the countries in this world, and yet our administration opted out of the Kyoto Protocol....what a bunch of crud.

Here are the articals that got my attention: bang boom



Granted I suggest you to look and do your own research accordingly, but this just is where mine began.

A Beautiful Day

These past couple of days I've been trying to read with Mikah a little more, and try to get into the habit of it just to read to the kids. Mikah has a young children's bible that he's recently been digging into. So far he's read to me 5 short stories from it. He's doing extrememly well with reading...I'm in awe. Again...I'm sure I've said this before...I can't take credit for this. About a year ago I showed him the basics and he took what I taught him and flew away with it. Asking questions along the way and observing everything he comes into contact with, he's now reading very close to where a first grader would be. I know one thing, he's very determined to know what is inside the written world. I know this makes his daddy very proud. Kiara looks up to him in so many ways and earlier while he was reading, I noticed the way she was staring at him. The wondering going on inside her brain of how he obtained so much coolness, so much glitter. She's not quite up to speed as Mikah was at her age, but I hope to get her as far as she is willing to go. She's becoming quite the little girl. I hope to spend a good deal of time with her tomorrow, just talking and playing. Of course the boys will be there on and off, but I think we need some girl time. The poor girl only has boys around her most of the time.

One thing I'm realizing more and more is that my time with the kids is very precious. Its passing by so fast, and I'm so glad to be willing to appreciate it. These little kids are our little gifts to the world. They may go by what we teach them, and they may not , but what is important is that they will go knowing that I love them and will always. There are so many things I want to get done before this life is through, but here lately all of those things are easily ignored and set aside, so they don't distract me from my lil babes. I can't imagine what it would be like without the kids. Yeah we'd have so much freedom with time and venturing, and even just doing nothing to be peaceful, but these kids are here now.......and with how we wish to raise them with the curiosity and love, they will probably be with us a very short time after they get older.

I hope I feel this way for the years to come...I pray that I do.

I've been trying to become more aware of how God is affecting the lives around me. This is how I am working on getting closer to totally trusting God. I believe because I know its right, but then there's that question of why its right....then I get the answer: it just is. This I can accept, but somwtimes my mind plays tricks on me. I don't have a very good past of trusting people, especially no one I've ever seen before. So what am I doing: I'm looking for His traces, embraces, and what is being done. This is proving to be most successful, little by little, but still successful.

I read a lesson by Cedar Ridge Community Church, and it just helped me open my eyes a little more. I found it very interesting, and a good refresher.

We went to Scott's grandparents' this thanksgiving.....both of them. My idea....I'm hoping to have just our parents for christmas ..... maybe I can get them all to come here instead! We'll see though cause my mom works christmas, and I'd want to do it on the same day. We'll see.

We took our handy dandy awesome camera, and by the end of the night Thanksgiving, we took about 94 pictures! insane. but we got some great photos.

Asa has a gloworm.....
does anyone else remember these? I thought it was pretty spiffy. I use to have one when I was a kid.....mighty fun. Here's where he fell asleep cuddling it.



Well hope you all had a great week. I'm recovering today heehee.

Hello

I must first come out and apologize for the big pictures......I fixed them so hopefully they look and load better.

Next I must say how much I love Evanescence's newest cd. The lyrics are awesome and mostly because they are real, and I can relate to most. Below is the song "hello" lyrics. It reminds me of my transition from the box-one size fits all-way of doing church into the nice, calm and relaxed-let's get to know and love another and share His word-by being the church. At least it explains it to me my feelings of it all.



"Hello"

playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello

if i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry

suddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here
all that's left of yesterday

Happy Birthday Kiara

Today is my little Kiara's birthday. She turned 3 today.....where oh where does the time go? She's getting so tall and talking so big, on top of getting prettier every day. (not sure if prettier is a word, but if not it is now!)

My grandmother had her thanksgiving dinner this past Thursday. My Aunt Cindy was able to come up from McKinney Texas with her daughter and future son-in-law, and their daughter. It was awesome to see my cousin again. Now that we're older it seems as though we connect a lot more than ever before. I like this. She's a great person, I really hope to get to know her better. Her fiance seems really nice. He's apprenticing to become an electrician.....braver than me..that's for sure! I get week kneed just thinking about trying to fix an outlet! He should be done in ten months.

My gran had the stomach flu so we saw her for seconds at a time, poor girl. She's feeling much better today though. It was a swarm of kids. There were 7 great grandkids there all under the age 10! This is not a big place either and it was raining on top of that! They all had fun though, which is good.

Here is Kiara, Asa, and Mikah below...so cute! This is so far the best picture I have of all three of them.

What's Goin On

Yesterday was Asa's 3 month birthday. Absolutely amazing how fast time flies. Also very awesome how much he's doing already. He's talking back to us in his cooing, screechy way; he's standing by pushing his legs while I hold him, and he's even starting to hold himself up on his tummy. It sucks because he's our last lil babe, but then again it rocks for the same reasons. Eventually we all can ride those thrill rides,go skate boarding, roller blading, and whatever else.These are things I could do now, but there are so little times I'm without Asa. I still try to give him a bottle of formula everyday so that when the time comes I can get a couple of hours he's okay while I'm gone.

The holidays are coming. Scott's family on both his mother's and dad's side are celebrating thanksgiving on the same day at different times. Yes, I can probably make it to both, but this is a day where I want to not only relax a little, but actually enjoy the people there. This will only feel very rushed, and when you mix that rushed feeling with being on the road 4 hours in one day, you have very cranky kids and a mom that ends up in stressful tears later on. Yuck....so now I just need to decide which side to celebrate with. Inny minny miney moe..... We''l just have to wait and see.

Vaccinated and Good

I took Asa to his doc appointment today. He's not sick, it was just a well baby check-up. Unfortunately he needed some vaccine shots. I have kept quiet about my worries about this subject. I've been informed recently that there is a very similar substance to mercury that is in the shots for preservation. That of course isn't a kind of thing you would want running around in your little baby's blood. So once the doc came in I stormed him with my concerns and questions. Come to find out, due to the rising concern of parents and medical workers, they no longer put it in the majority of vaccines. So I asked about the minority part, he then told me that all I have to do is request that the vaccine to be without, and they'll choose accordingly. Obviously, today I chose the one without. This does comfort me a lot, because I believe in the reason for vaccinating, but I also need to look out for my lil babes all around.

praying prayerfully

Wow, I just recently realized that my prayer life has doubled very nicely. I find myself praying for my friends and family almost every chance I get. This is an enormous upgrade in my spiritual computer. I find the more I pray for others, the more confidence and trust I find in God. No, I don't see the answered result of my prayers, but I'm comforted while going through them. This just encourages more prayer, which rocks! Now the next step for me is to dig a lot more into scripture. I suck at that. It always seems like everytime I pick up the bible, I all of a sudden need to direct my attention towards the kids. And when they are sleeping, I tend to get really selfish with my quiet time. I hope to fix this very soon. What I may end up doing is just reading and studying the word online.

Ta Da!

Hey I finally remebered I have a fotopage! Duh! Well here it is!

REFlection Day

Today is election day...the day where most people cast their votes into a machine so a president can be elected. I didn't vote......I didn't forget to register or anything, I just chose not to. A great many of people would think I'm not doing my part or standing up for what I believe in, but truth be told I am. I don't like how our country's voting system is set up. Not one bit. And this year it was deciding who was the best "actor"....who won your heart with a politician's promise? My brother voted today, and this state's majority lost his vote.....absolutely silly. All I ever hear is about is how everyone needs to vote since they have that right, but I really don't belive my vote matters...no wait a minute...it does if i choose the right state. I can't say who I would vote for anyways.....yeah I can see what they promise and all, but I can't say I've held that much trust to politicians...they always seem to put too much make-up on a very dirty face...if you catch my drift. I guess that's all about that.

Sick Lil Angel

My little girl, Kiara, is really sick. Yesterday she threw up a couple of times, and just feels awful. Poor girl has it coming out of both ends. At about 1am this morning, she threw up again, but she seemed really pale and was starting to get dark circles under her eyes. I took her into the ER and they ended up giving her an I.V. on top of pedialyte to help boost her fluids up. We finally got out of there at 7:30 am this morning. SHe's really tired, and frankly so am I, so we are going to take today to rest really well. Please pray for her and our fam. I hope it doesn't spread. I've been washing my hands like crazy, my hands are crispy even. I hope its doing the job. thanks.

Wow, what a night for poor lil Kiara. She threw up earlier this afternoon and later this evening she had a temperature. I put her in a cool bath to help bring the temp down. I don't like it when my babies are sick, it sucks. She slept on the couch for awhile, and didn't fight me to go to bed tonite, which is highly unusual...SHE MUST BE SICK! Asa has been a lil cranky too, but his is due to the fact he's too stubborn to stay asleep long enough during the day to where at night he's fighting so hard cause he's so tired.

On top of that I've had a gazillion things on my mind. A big concern of mine is what we are going to do this next year or so. It is so curious.....time will tell, but in the next 2 months we need to decide. This at least gives us time to figure it all out.

Heavenly Father, grant me the patience and the wisdom to see...........amen.

checkin out the audio blog possibilities

At Home Just Chilling

Well things have been going alot smoother at home with the kids. I give Asa one bottle of formula a day now, so that when ever I do need to get out, I have the choice of leaving him with Scott. He's slowly getting used to it. At least its only once a day.

Mikah is at his cousin's house, being a wonderful little boy, as well as having lots of fun. He helps without knowing, he keeps Gavin occupied while Delana gets stuff done around the house. Also gives her a big break. He gets to go trick or treating with him this up coming weekend, and he's just thrilled about it.

When he was here at home we started having a bunch of problems with him continuously hurting his sister and not listening to us at all. Diciplining him has been a struggle on what to do and how to do it. It seems like everything we try doesn't get it done, leaving Scott and I terribly frustrated at the situation and each other. I awaiting a book called Boundaries for kids that Bea referred to me. Ihope I can get some better ideas soon. I don't believe spanking is an answer at all for us as individuals.

Kiara has been up and down a lot lately. Although I can tell she's tremendously enjoying her break from Mikah, she misses playing, and even arguing with someone! She has her play animals bicker at each other then kiss and make up sometimes. She was doing excellent on the potty a week or so ago when I was at Scott's mom's house, but we came home and it all went down hill again. We'll keep trying. She's going to be 3 November 19......where in the world does the time go??? While going through her pregnancy, I felt like a wimp, but after and while I was in labor, I felt like superwoman! Crazy, I know, but I never knew I was going through that much pain throughout the pregnancy. She's so gorgeous....we're gonna have a big problem when she grows up......won't be able to let her out of the house! Scott will probably tie her up !

Asa's doing grandiose. He's still growing and probably over 13 pounds now. He's talking at me more, especially when I let it all loose and sing like crazy in front of him...HE LOVES IT! Luckily for Scott, he's at work during. He's busting out of his onsies already, so I'm going to make extensions for them with a piece of cloth and those buttons that go on onsies, that way he can wear them longer.....I just have to figure out that silly sewing machine! We'll see what kind of craziness happens with that!

As for me personally, I'm doing good. I'm trying to figure out what is going to be best for our lil fam this next year. Trying to figure in everything and talk with Scott, and hopefully within the next month or two we will know....that part is a lil stressful only because its so unknown and is a big deal. I think I am handling it all okay though. God has definitely granted me patience at the most needed times, and for that I am most grateful.

I work with Mikah verbally with spelling and small addition, and he's doing awesome with it. Now I just need to have him sit down and write it all out.

I'm thinking about making my own clothes soon. There is way too much crud out there where you would be pimping off some company that doesn't know that quality of a human being's life/lives. This way I can avoid that as well as get exactly the kind of cloths I want. If I get good then maybe I'll make the kids some cloths too! That really depends on how much the sewing machine likes me! Well, I best be off cleaning...doing housewife...at-home mommy stuff :) bye!

Long Over Due

It's been a little over two weeks since my last post......but oh well. I have wanted to post so many times, but rarely find the time. And the rare chances whe I do have my hands free, and a moment to sit down and do it, I just want to take a breath and relax.

Its been quite interesting around this house lately. A lot of stress build up, and big questions of the future coming months, as well as the present days. Mikah has us up in a twist, and I'm trying to reverse it. Kiara has been starting to cause some problems as well. And between the both of them screaming at each other and me, its hard to keep Asa asleep, so in mid-day he's nonstop crying and cranky as ever. I just want some peace in the house again.....I find myself exceptionally emotional at the oddest times, and just bawl my eyes out. Unfortunately that never helps.

I'm thinking about switching Asa to formula. It seems as though he eats constantly and formula tends to fill the babies up more than breast milk. I feel like a failure just saying that. I might just supplement formula here and there...not sure yet. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get Asa to eat less frequently I'm all ears. All I know is if I don't have to be feeding as many times as I am, then I would have more time to work with the other two kids. We'll see. I want to talk with my lactation consultant first and see what she has to say.