Ode to Scotty!

yay for scotty....he learned to potty...or at least that's what i'm told.
he may have earned, and maybe learned...ahhh who cares...he's just OLD!



HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!

crazy moods and some scrambled thoughts

Tonite's been quite a swing dance with moods. Set aside my reaction with the kids, my inside is just exploding. Nothing bad, just feel confused about a lot of things. I feel like my heart is pulling me somewhere that seems out of reach. I've been trying to pray about it all, but I feel even more confused about it all right after. A leap of faith is needed, and that doesn't necessarily physically changing directions, but was is essential is to change my focus. Since we've found out about Scott's sis and everything it seems as though I've strayed off the path I was heading on and its really getting to me. I'm glad God never gives up on me, and knows what buttons to push on me. But I'm still confused on what to do and how. No matter the location I need to get involved with a community, regularly. But what? And how? Why is it the more I search for peace the more chaos tkes over? Can a peaceful life be lived fully for God? Is this possible as we are on this earth? I am who I am, I've been where I've been, I've seen what I've seen and believed what I believed. That cannot be changed and shouldn't ever be in consideration...........but I can choose not to change, but adapt into His greatness.

What will that look like?

CANCER FREE!

SCOTT'S MOM JUST CALLED ME AND TOLD ME THAT ALL THE TESTS CAME BACK AND SARAH IS CANCER FREE!THIS IS AWESOME NEWS! Granted she's still really sore and still in recovery....THIS ROCKS!

Wax on......no....WAX OFF!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's the gist of what happened. Got my dreads put in by my sis. We pulled an all nighter and still didn't get it finished as well some dreads were poorly done. Scott finished the untouched ones and I figured the rest we could work as we go. I used a little wax here and there, to keep the frizz down and make it all nice. Well, I decided to go somewhere to have someone help back comb the badly done dreads and wax it after. It took forever to find a place to do them, and when I finally found a place, I got scheduled in and went. I get there, and this french lady twists my dreads and throws some wax on. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how much wax she was using until it was all done. She freaking made candles out of my freaking head! So this past week I've been struggling to get this excess wax out of my hair. I've tried almost everything, with the exception of using an iron to them, (which if you ask my opinion I may as well cut them out now than do that!). Today I washed my hair, my scalp was killing me and I wanted to try pretty hot warm and soap as one of my last resorts. I soon come to the realization that this may be the end of my dreaded wonderland. I'm at the end of my rope with it. I love my dreads but this wax is going to ruin them. I'm about to run out and get me some lemon juice and vinegar, and if that doesn't work, them I'm going to have to chop them off :( I don't want to chop off my new little friends.

Scott's lil sis

I haven't blogged in awhile due to business and mostly for my loss of words. Not speechlessness, but there's been a lot of emotion going on inside me, and I really didn't want to send out the wrong picture. For days now, I've experienced at least 2 different kinds of emotions at once quite often. Managing two is quite an improvement. It took me awhile to get to this. I was at points where I just wanted to cry, hit something, and hide in a hole all at the same time. Making the decision to stay here in Indianapolis wasn't an easy one, but it was the right one. We couldn't go with Scott's sister just finding out she has cancer. Just typing that out gives me chills. She's just a year older than I am, and she has cancer. Yeah I know that even kids get cancer and age isn't really a factor, but doesn't mean its fair. Heck no cancer is fair. Sarah, his sister has surgury February 22 at 7:30 am. She's to have half of her colon removed,and they are also going to peak around to make sure the cancer isn't anywhere else. It sucks cause when I pray about it I get so many mixed feelings.....some peaceful and some fearful. Tuesday will be here very soon and we'll find out then what's all going on. I can't help but look up to God and ask Him, "what's up? What's going on? What is going to come from all of it?" But I'll know someday.....

A Child-like Fit

Today I've found myself struggling a bit with getting the two older kids to listen. They feed off each other's fits and it seems as if they try to gang up on me. The main thing I wanted them to do was to pick up their toys.....this is an on-going struggle. Its almost as if they think that if they just pick up one or two, then the rest will follow. Unfortunately this isn't so, and I find myself constantly getting onto to them about picking their toys up....making the whole process lasting hours, and me in a fit of rage. Then I find myself feeling like a horrible mother who just spent the day yelling at her kids. There have been days where Mikah has spent most of the day in his room because he just won't listen. I feel cruddy and at the end of my rope....out of ideas to get some discipline going in a positive direction.

My final conclusion today was to ground the kids from their toys for a couple of days. Only thing allowed to them are crayons, paper and books. They of course through an enormous fit during this, so I made it two days, and a time out for screaming at me. I'm having a hard time with this, but am going to stick with it. I give excuses for the way they behave....I'm trying to throw myself in the other direction. Hopefully this will work out to everybody's advantage.

A Glorious start to a new year

I know January is done and gone, but I must say it has been a beautiful start in this awesome new year! I'm calling it Heather's Year of self-taught creations and journey to God's light......or something...hee hee!

So far I've taught myself how to sew, and have made and finished 4 projects......as well as I'm continuing to learn how to improve it. Also my sister has just taught me how to crochet.....I'm starting to get the hang of it and am also getting a lil addicted. I hope to be able to make scarves and beanie tihgt hats with it, and who knows maybe a blanket sometime! This may be a nice little trade that'll come in handy later. Next I'm going to learn how to batik and tie dye. I know how to tie dye already, but not with specific designs....I've never really liked the look of them. Once I get a washer and dryer, I'll be able to teach myself how to do all of that! Which I technically already know, just waiting on the washer and dryer...yay!

I got my beautiful dreaded hair now, and am contemplating a new piercing to go with this fabulous year of new changes. Not sure yet....I might go ahead and get it done in Dallas after I've found a job....I don't want to mess with that area. Granted there are probably a ton of jobs I can do with a piercing, but a job should come first.

Kristen asked me once what I would like to do for work....at the time I was so focused on sewing....that's what I told her, but the more I think of it, the only way I'd do that for work is if I had friends to sew with....I'm a people person...I crave people, so it would only be a good idea to find a job around people.

I've searched my heart, and one place I have always set my heart towards are pregnant teens. I was just 17 when I had Mikah, and have been through a great deal during that time. I was extremely lucky God had chosen the best father for my child.....someone who would stick around, and love him no matter what.....someone who would later become my bestest friend in the whole world.....someone who would later become my partner in crime for life...not only that but my family was extremely supportive as well.I was very lucky. A lot of girls don't have that. A lot of girls have to do it alone. I would love to be somewhere to work hands on with those girls. I think that would be awesome. I pray for that, but also pray for God to put me where I can make relationships with all different kinds of people. I'm so thrilled, yet scared as to what God is doing with the lil Miller fam.

the locks have arrived!

Before:




After:



After a great amount of pain, and long withstanding hours of being teased and razzled, my little ones have arrived. I still have 7 more to get done, because 14 hours worth didn't quite cut it. Hopefully tomorrow will be the finishing day!

Whoa......its really going to happen.......

Okay here goes a YAY! for unlimited excitement, and an OH SHIT for a time to have a human freak out session, and let me end it with a ginormous praise THANKS BIG MAN! for finally showing our next steps for this new year. It's kind of weird. I have all of these feelings hitting me at once.....I'm feeding off of it though. Yeah I have a great amount of worries trying to punch at me, but I throw them aside and try to focus on the reason. So here I am, trying my hardest not to get ahead of myself and try to calmly strategize this big move. This will get interesting.

I've already broke the news to our parents....Scott's mom was supportive, but bummed. My mom didn't say anything supportive, and kept making other suggestions about what would be better to do with the means of going. My brother and sister are spokenly supportive , yet quietly protesting.

tIME fOR mE

I'm about to go to my lil resort (my tub), and enjoy a splendid lavender/chamomile bubble bath with honey vanilla moisture beads, accompanied by my watermelon soap.....ahhhhhhhhhh! And my tunes for this magnificent event shall be Miss Tori Amos.
Bling Bling :)

one baby....two baby...three baby.....RUN!

Below you'll find one of the very few opened forwards I received.....I've found quite hilarious, because some of it is quite relative! Check it out.......Cheryl...you'll probably get it with me ;)






Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ( AMEN TO THAT!!!!!)

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the

baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard

only the ones with the darkest

stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up

the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
you
can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with

some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need

it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain
about the smell or you see it

sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby
Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees
blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or

hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the

hospital & demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children...

or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children...

(The older the mother, the funnier this is!

Home yay :)

The kids and I are finally back home. Its very nice to be back. This trip was mostly made for the grandparents to spend some time with the kids more before we make our distant move. So far my mom is still trying to talk me out of it all....she can't quite have the understanding of it all, but I think over all she's just going to miss us. Well, especially me because I'm the sanist and best of all her children ! ;) Hee hee. Just kidding, but at least she'll have a reason to get out every now and then for vacation. She hasn't done that in awhile. Scott's mom is going to miss us like crazy.

AHHHHHH.....our move.....I get so friggin excited everytime I think about it. We've been wanting to go to Dallas for awhile....its never really left our hearts since our visit a year and a half ago. Granted there's still a slight chance we may not get to go, but that's on God to figure out. He knows more than us what's best for us. It's going to be tough, but we'll figure it all out.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh........I received my awesome package when I got home..........locks are in my future.......my very very soon future.....more will be revealed soon enough :)

Asa's growing still.....he's 17.5 lbs. My other kids struggled to get to that weight when they were 3 months older than he is. He's my lil chunker, that's for sure. He's still a lil scooter, but getting better at it.

Mikah and Kiara have been pinching my nerves. They are both at a very conflicting age and repeatedly bounce angrily off each other, as well as they both are trying to gain independence by defying our authority as parents. They push their lines passed the limit, and when the consequences are being carried out, they persist to throw enormous fits. My patience during this hasn't been the best I'm afraid to say. I fight back by taking a few second prayers throughout the day. It helps me breathe.... Hopefully over time we will get better at this.One thing I find I have to keep reminding myself about being a parent is that I'm both a teacher and a student....and these two things overlap quite often.

Our Next Step

Soon enough we're going to be making a big step. Scott and I are going to be living on our own....no parents.....no room mates.....just us. My brother, our room mate will be on his own as well.

I will start working also to help out with the bills. We've been ........ well more so I've been quite blessed to be able to stay home with the kids this past year while Scott worked. Yes, there were some tough times, but now that its getting better, its all going to change. Change is okay though. Our family needs to make some changes and start leaning on God more. This doesn't mean we haven't been, but we're lacking something in our spiritual journey. I would be lying if I said I was on the right path for my spiritual well being. I do believe I'm working towards it though and should be closer as time and change goes by.

I pray our next step will be as smooth as possible. Granted moving is never really smooth.....but hopefully all of the worry and fear keeps a good distance.

I wonder how the kids will be after we move. After I start working....how will they react to it? Hopefully they will accept it for a new adventure....hopefully we as adults will too. This is our journey to God/with God/for God. I know as long as we focus on Him it'll all be good.

torn

I can't even describe how I feel about the tsunami that struck South-east Asia. All the survivors I pray for consistantly.....practically every time I stop to watch my children play, I pray for them. I don't know how to glance towards God while praying about what happened.....the quivering question of why hits me so hard. Did He cause this....no I must argue against others about that, but why did He allow this to happen? And then I can sense myself becoming vulnerable to the impure thoughts that can follow, so I've decided not to pray about what happened, but about who it happened to, and ease every and any way efforts being made to help those involved. This is really all I can put out in words on how I feel about it all. Believe me there's a ton more, but this is where it must stop for now.

the joy of breastfeeding

I must say that I enjoy breastfeeding. This unfortunately wasn't so with my other children, but I think my maturity at the time had a great deal with that. I was 17 with Mikah and 19 with Kiara.....that says enough about that. I always felt trapped and held down, was embarrassed to nurse in public, let alone in front of family at home. But now I know others who are doing it just as long or longer than I am and with that, its comforting. Also I'm not so embarrassed. I do cover up most of the time while in public, but only if I feel it might make people I'm trying to conversate with uncomfortable. And granted some would say, "Whip it out anyways! There's nothing to be shielding, its best for your baby!" (by the way this isn't anyone's outspoken opinion to me),but I wouldn't want to cause any unnecessary walls of communication.

Last weekend though my milk started to dry up. I wasn't satisfying Asa at all with any of my feedings and had to supplement with formula. I tried so many times to feed him, but was about to give up. I didn't let myself though. I decided I was going to be the very stubborn chick I use to be about it, and work it out so I can build up my milk supply once more. So I took two days worth where I didn't give Asa any formula, no matter how bad he cried. Don't worry, he was getting fed, I still had a little bit to give. Anyways, I was feeding him every 1-2 hours at least during this time. Luckily enough I was at my mother-in-law's so I got a little bit of help. After the first day it got a little bit better, not much, but still some improvement. Eventually, I was able to satisfy him with every meal again. This felt good. I can't count how many times I've thanked God for this......very cool.

I use to wonder if the reason why I nursed was because I was lazy......this may still be accurate to some degree, but after the drought threat, its helped me realize how I feel about it more.

Sewing buff and scooter

I've finally finished my first seewing project! I've created a jacket and pant set for Kiara. It looks kind cool. There are mistakes, but heck its my first ! I'll try to get pictures up soon, but we'll see about that. I'm excited though. I've been plotting and designing in my head for ages now, and my mother gave me a sewing machine for Christmas, so I have ways to get out all of it....Yay for creativity! I can't draw for snot, let alone paint, sing or play instruments, but this kind of thing I think I can do. I just need to learn the ropes a bit hands on first. I've got two more projects I'm working on, and hope to have them finished by Wednesday....hopefully.

Other news........Asa's a scooter! my lil babe is rushing to catch up with big Mikahd D and Slammin' Kiwi ! I protest and support this. He moves like a catepillar. He rests his body by his head, scrunches his knees up under his chest then looks up, and kicks with his feet. So cute. And yet so WRONG! HE'S MY LIL BABY AND HE'S GROWING SO BIG SO FAST!! IT JUST NOT FAIR! Once he's all big, I won't have any babies to spoil until grandchildren :(

Heehee, oh well that's okay. They can grow up, but when I say pause, they best slow it down, or water works will erupt! :)

The kids and I made some snow people also.....here are some pictures...

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh....duh!

I wanted to place some pictures up here but the time to fix them and then host them takes too long for a a girl who doesn't really have the time to blog. What's funny about that though is now that I have a second to post somethings I wanted to blog about, I can't remember a thing I wanted to post and can't necessarily bthink of something else......oh well maybe later.ha hee hee....we'll see.

doing okay

The holidays are almost done, and I feel nothing about it but relief. The kids got bombarded with a gazillion toys from the granparents, of course way more than they ever need, but there's not much for me to do about that. I've tried directing the grandpaents this year in the route of what they got the kids. As always my mother ignored me cheerfully. I wanted more educational stuff this year. More stuff to help them use their imagination and stretch their minds just a tad. I'm not sure if slot cars fit in that, but they are pretty cool. We had no room for any of these new toys, so I had the kids pick which ones to bag up and store at their grandma's. Eventually most of them will be donated somewhere.

About ten years ago my mom wasn't able to get us anything for Christmas. We had just went through a house fire, and our insurance company wasn't willing to pay us what they owed us for it so my mom had to file bankruptsy. I found out this week that she has been trying to make up for it ever since. She's always tried to get us a bunch of stuff, and since the kids are here she goes overboard with them too. I've told her one christmas not to get me anything, cause I didn't want anything, but to just hang with her, and she got really upset with me about it. I remember fighting with ehr about it all and giving in. I never knew how strongly she felt about her ability to give to others until then. Its just what she craves this time of year.

Our lil fam is doing better. We're kind of trying to renovate how we are with each other. I've tried blogging about it in the past, but everytime I've found myself without words, and the one time I found the words, I changed my mind about sharing. I needed to get it out, but I realized I need to be ready to get it out. I look at our family, and of course we aren't perfect....that wouldn't be interesting I don't think anyways, but we were starting to fall off our paths and focus on God by confusing our priorities. Hopefully we can get back on track soon enough.

Asa has been a riot lately. He's talking on a whole new level, druel everywhere, and even tries to scoot while on his belly. But he's not even five months old yet, so give him time and he'll be chasing his brother and sister. Mikah's reading like crazy. He's going to be so much smarter than his parents.....ha ha he already is! Kiara is so pretty and has the grandest imagination there ever were. I see this very awesome. She's not up to scale with Mikah or even close, but man oh man she can play and pretend! These lil people rock.

An Endless Battle

Before I left for Monticello, I was very close to having a nervous breakdown.....and unfortunately this is not an exaggeration. A gazillion tears have been spent, and four and a half days gone and I think I've regained some of my sanity. Still depressed though, and what sucks is that as I wrote that I'm depressed I felt so selfish about it all. On top of that I'm so angry with myself for allowing it to happen. But in this battle, at times, I just want to give in. Throw in the towel. My kids are awesome,drive me crazy every now and then, but still phenominally awesome. But that's all I feel I have right now. I want to be so mad and angry with God.....it feels like He's started this mess. But I know this isn't true. That's not the God I believe in. Anymore it just gets so damn hard to breathe. I've held too much in for too long, and I feel as if I'm past full. I want to sleep all of the time. My body is fighting me to recover from the surgery. You can't necessarily take it easy with three kids.

Sorry this post is nothing but complaining, but I have nothing else to write about right now.

To Freak or Not to Freak....that is the question.

Okay, so my mom is up this week to help me out after my surgury. Tonite I stretch out my back by leaning backwards and it feels very strange...as if there's actually something hard in my back where there shouldn't be. I assume its just a muscle knot, but still mention it to my mom who is a nurse. She feels what I'm talking about and gives me this very concerned/freaked out look.........yeah! So I ask her why she's appearing this way. She says, "I don't know" in a calm manner, but her eyes are still bulging. So I ask her again, she just repeated herself. So then I ask her why the heck she keeps this wigged out look on her face. She tells me she's never felt anything like that before! Okay.....so then I ask her if I should be concerned....."I don't know.....if its there in the morning.....maybe?" Nothing against my mom but she's got me freaking just a little. I know she's not a doc, but an ER nurse. Please pray for my sanity. This probably is nothing, but I'm still kind of weirded out by it.

Speaking of sanity....I'm off for Monticello for at least a week. I'm hoping to be back friday afternoon.....we'll see.