Oh How I suck

Today didn't go by very well. It began with everyone aggitated and just not wanting to cooperate with one another. It carried like that for all morning. Then I needed to escape, and when I came back, all was well. But then the evening came with a very loud bang. I feel like the suckiest parent tonight and I'm not so sure how to deal with it, let alone be okay with myself. My damn temper and edginess took over and I lost the image projection of the mother I want to be. What do I do? Right now I just want to cry. I'm so upset that I allow myself to get upset over certain things, yet its so damn hard to just work out a neverending problem with a three year old that thinks she can get away with yelling and kicking at you, without getting upset and frustrated. Its times like these when I wonder how God doesn't smack the living daylights out of us for just treating Him like crud. (sigh) It'll be good to go to bed and restart my family tomorrow.

Aggravation, Breasts, and Trials

I'm kind of aggravated right now. About what???? Working on the knowledge of that as we speak. (sigh) it feels better just to get it out.


I've actually have had a great day. A good day at work and I got some things done at home as well.... a fulfilling day. Plus once I put the kids to bed I'm hoping to finish my newest creation . Or at least work on its finale.

Okay..... so I'm still nursing Asa, and he will be 11 months here soon....three days to be exact. Its become just a normality anymore, but here recently he has been cracking me and Scott up! When he gets his fill and is close to being done eating, he's been licking me! And While he eats he makes these 'slurping soup' sounds! Hilarious. He's a very sloppy eater, but definitely a good eater. HE's primarely on breast milk but occasionally he eats bread and drinks water. I'm sooooooooo glad I toughed it out. It has given him and us so much, let alone saved us so much money and fuss about bottles and formula. I've done that with the other two kids, it can be done and isn't too bad, but its just easier and more convenient not worrying about if we have his food or a container for him to eat out of. I must confess though that I am a little anxious for my breasts to retreive back their identity other than the food tubes. ;) But I can be patient.

So I've been through so trials here and there inside, but I think I'm finally seeing some kind of light. I was offered a promotion at work. This is secretly what I've been working towards, but was content if it never happened. Well, of course when offered I was thrilled and had no doubt if I would take it or not.... I was going to take it. Well this week I've been apathetic and just absolutely exhausted. I haven't been doing very well at work either. On top of that my boss is getting comfortable with me and is starting to show her true colors on how she treats her employees. Not very nice... and unfortunately she has lost a lot of my respect. Also to accept this new position I would have to sacrifice a lot of energy and create some additional everlasting chaos to the homestead. Not okay dokey in my eyes. At first I thought it was worth it, but I was only maintaining a focus on the money and the title. But That's not what we are about, and we don't need the money, God is taking care of us, and is providing just fine finacially. So no, I will not be taking the promotion, and truelly am at an exciting peace about that.

Jobwise, I really wish I could do something creative, or at least feed that side of me. Something I throroughly enjoy. Is this a pipe dream? Maybe, but we'll see what God has in store. I just hope that I will be content anywhere.

Well as we speak I am jamming to Green Day's new album, and Asa has just found the off button to the computer speaker, hence has also notice what is does, so he is now contually turning it on and off.....the booger/genius! See ya!

What's up

Bathed the kidlings, got some fabric, and need to clean......hmmm, yeah not enough energy to carry the rest of the day, but a girl must do what a girl's gotta do. I think I'll just compromise a couple of things, so I can get a lil of everything done. I know if I sacrifice one for the other, the other won't get done.....that's just how it always works.

I'm in a state where I just want to hide away for a week from the outside world. (sigh) but I know this could only start habits and hermit crab-ness desires. I feel like everything is always on full speed and if we just take a day to chill it all piles up like a wave and spills all over us. But we need and also desire to be a part of people's lives and build relationships....... this takes sucking it all up and filing the kids in the car seats to head over somewhere to have conversation...it can be very exhausting just to put the kids in the car let alone doing it four times in five hours. ...... I'm not complaining I'm just venting out some stale air... get it out and release it, so I can have room for fresh sweet air to filter in.

I think Satan's been having a hayday with my exhaustion and trying to play with my thoughts on some things. Its really urking me in a variety of ways. Prayer rocks.

Oh Selfish Days

Man, today I've been really wanting to dis into sewing, but it doesn't fit with the kids. They've really needed some play time with us, so yesterday and today I gave to them. We had a craft time, and made some fake stained glass non-sticker window thingies. Okay, yeah, sure, that makes sense. Either way we got to paint together at the table in a cool silence. Everyone was content and everyone was happy....even Asazilla. Rock on. It was good times and I don't regret giving up my desires for the kids every now and then.

I'm really getting into Kristin Hersh. Her stuff just rocks. I intimately enjoy her voice. Its rough but so feminine. I just friggin love it.

Well it's 9:16 PM and I'm worn out. I need to wake up tomorrow early, so I guess I must play old lady and head for bed. Wow its really 9pm and I'm beat and its been like this for the past week. Now I really feel old.

my sons and my daughter

OKay all you scholars out there, take a bite out of this! My son just turned six years old, and has already wrote 4 books, and is working on his fifth one AS I SPEAK! Yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about. And you thought you had competition before! Hah! Hee hee hee.

We had Judah over to play today. It's so fun having other kids over, the kids like it a lot too. We made a tent out of the futon and they all just had a hayday. It was their house, and the girls took over. They kept loving and hugging on each other. SO CUTE! When Judah left today Kiara just was kind of pouty.

Poor Asa fell asleep in the high chair, and woke with an indention in his forehead. The neighbor ladies thought it was a booboo. He by the way has been standing up without holding on to stuff a lot lately. He also just popped through 6 teeth in a lil over a week! Tough guy. Tougher than I have that's for sure. He didn't really fuss at all about it. Just acted like normal crazy and silly Asa.

Kiara was sitting down with Judah today, counting with her forewards and backwards. She was soooo happy when Judah started to repeat her! My lil teacher. Hopefully she'll let me start teaching her soon. She's kind of got me wondering about how we are going to homeschool. She learns so differently now than Mikah did at her age. That's okay though, we can work with it.

pictures of my sewing creations

The shirt I just made a couple of days ago. Its off the should and has elastic to hold it up. Its actually very comfortable, but the front bows out a little more than I like, and to fix it would ruin it, so I can deal with it and learn from it at the same time as enjoying it! The skirt I'm wearing with it it the first skirt I ever made. I love the colors and they are snapped at the waist, but have tendencies to become undone a little too easily, so that will be fixed soon.

photo by mikah dante miller

Here's a different view of the shirt:



These two pieces were fun to make. The shirt I like but isn't my favorite. I don't think it fits me right. I might play around with it or just give it away...not sure yet. The skirt I love, it's very comfortable. All I have to do is secure the seams and make a slit at the bottom for easier walking. They both work on a draw string to adjust to size. I'm hoping that the majority of my clothes will be like this, so when I lose more weight, I can still wear them nicely....at least that's the plan.


photo by mikah dante miller

Here's my newest creation.....my wrap-ish hippie pants. I need to fix the back of them to fit best, but they rock! They are so very comfortable! And the earth toned color goes with almost everything. I want to add pockets or something to it...not sure.


photo by mikah dante miller

How God Rocks My World

You know, I still sit here, and say, "We're in freakin' Dallas!" Yes, it's really hot down here, and yes its far away from my family.......BUT God has been shining every chance He gets the assurance that this is where we need to be. Okay...let me step back for a second....my job for instance. He's blessed me with loads and loads of free bagels. In the beginning it was a main source of food for our family until jobs and money came through regularly. Now its still a source of food, but just a snack and/or breakfast food. Also I've been bringing bagels to my neighbors just to get to know them. For some odd reason me gifting to someone helps me feel more comfortable to just knock on some stranger's door...it helps break the ice a little bit too. So far I've met and had conversations with a little less than half of my neighbors this way. And the kids are now expecting that everytime we get bagels, we go out in the complex and share them!

Another thing is that I think through this whole duration, my worry crazy side only popped out a few times that I can remember....especially in the rougher areas like the initial move down here, and after we were already here, just waiting for money to come in. Granted I was freakin while looking for a job, but it was more about what I was going to find, more about my self esteem issues and I will be the first to admit...my sucky faith.

Also I'm getting to know the people at work more and more. Relationships are building there, and struggles may occur often, but God has definitely been a reminder that He is there too, in those relationships.

This is the kicker....we might even be able to fix our car soon! Wow, to have a car that doesn't die on me every morning....how sweet that would be! We're still in limbo about that, but it is definitely possible.

Scott and I had a real DATE! Huh???? What????? Huh???? Yeah, I know! We haven't been on a date since March when we came down to visit-slash-apartment hunt. A couple down here was willing to watch the rugrats for us to do this. It was a very good time.

I've been sewing my guts out.....I've got a couple of new shirts, and a bunch of new material to make more stuff out of. I've been forced to promise to actually spend my birthday cash on myself other than my family....this is a hard concept and task for me, but once I was in the fabric store....not so much of a task, but then self conrol had to kick into full gear! I'm finally getting my creativity out and its been very fulfuilling! I've also learned how to sesw around the kids...quite a task, but very nice!

Creative outlets delay

My mind sucks at retaining info, thoughts, and ideas. And I really never fretted about it before, but man.....will there ever be a time when my memory works for me as opposed to against me. I've been really craving to write poetry and songs, but by the time I get a chance (like now) to do it, it all disappears into an obliviated nothingness. (groan,kick,sigh) This year I've been really struggling with my creative side.....it needs to come out more, but I don't want to become selfish with my time either. I do know I need that time once in awhile to do my things in a closed room or with friends, and here lately I've gifted about an hour or two every week or two. And that within itself is a very big improvement. I need to be patient I guess. Dang it God! It always comes down to PATIENCE! ( this is where I'm laughing) Heh heh heh, I can deal with that.

One the same note I have been able to create a skirt and apron top. I like them a lot, and think I've broken ground by making them,(for those who don't know I'm on the path of learning how to sew) . I really hope to do some dyeing (sp?) and batiking next...or at least some dyeing. We'll see, this is a project I want to share with others....it can be messy, it will be fun and a way for us all to share our creative sides together. Maybe next month would be the best bet for something like that. Any takers?

Happy Birthday Mikah D!

Six years ago, in a land far away, a son was born to us. We granted the name Mikah to him. To learn to know him, and to enjoy every second of being his parents, we welcomed sobriety. Us the parents knew we needed to become friends so we could raise this beautiful baby boy together. From that friendship grew an everlasting love, and a couple years later we were married. How the world stopped when he was born! It was flipped every which way because of this one birth. The phenominal changes that were brought upon us, and would guide me to God, just because of him.

Happy Birthday Mikah. Your mommy and daddy love you so much, and we are so thrilled to have you in our lives! We are honored to be your parents. You helped us become better us as a gift from God.

Its Finally Quiet.......RENEWED

So this is what I was very close to posting last night:


"Not sure how long the silence will last, so I better throw some thoughts out there while I can. Here lately I've been feeling really pushed by God to find a place that'll suit a group of us....exactly who and why and especially where and when are still unknown, but it 'feels' like soon to me. Now? Probably not a smart time for us financially, but the willingness is there. I'm mad at myself for letting my emotions get carried off about certain places we've found, because the timing just isn't right. Or is it??? That's the main ass kicker right there for me.... whose timing is this decided on? Also how can that be decided???"


I believe my questions have been answered. Its not the time right now, and I've come to a good peace about it. I also have decided not to look for any places at the moment either, because of the fear of finding a better place than last time....and then getting smacked down with the time and financial struggle. And truelly that is okay. We need time to our own place for a little bit as well as this time to save our change.

On another note, I'm in a really good friggin mood. We had a group of people in our house yesterday and today, and it has been wonderful! Granted the dishes need some tending but it was really good to have everyone in my space. We had all together 7 kids and depending on time, 4-5 adults. It was fun. We even were blessed with a sleep over with one of the kids, which happens to be Mikah's really good friend.

SLIDE SHOW FOR MY BRO

I've been neglecting my blog, on purpose. Why??? Because sometimes life happens soooo much, but in in this case its been a good thing. We've been out making friends and having fun, and even in our most humbling state, we've felt truely blessed. This post is going to be a mixed up slide show......and the pictures are mostly for my bro SHANE! Hee heee heee, these are for you bro, so you better comment! ha ha!

More of Reality

Last night at prayer and healing rooms, I came to another realization that we are in the right place. Here lately I've been struggling with some hard issues dealing with family almost a thousand miles away and more, and on top of that my mind and heart feels drained. A lot of thoughts going through I normally would have just held it in and tried to deal with on my own, but last night it was like God pushed me so far to the edge that I had to be honest with the negativity inside. In that I'm not saying He put these thoughts there....oh defintely not, but He fought with me until I opened up to the group. After prayers and an annointing, it was absolutely amazing how much of the weight and stress was alleviated. I breathe easier today. Thanks.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ahh, breathing......some days it feels like a choreful task.....others it feels like a vacation. Today it feels like a task. Our family has been stretched with emotions with other family members back at home. This is the first time I've felt homesick. Where I can't be there for my family and just hug them. God's also has got me in a great variety of other emotions.....excitement,happiness...hope...and I've even been day dreaming about what He may have in store. I feel so bunched up full of feelings, I find myself confused.

Yesterday we went to Scott's aunt's place. She lives on a ranch owned by some people who wanted to have a foster care for boys there. It was gorgeous. Over 40,000 acres was my understanding of the size of this place. The kids loved it and so did we. It was a nice get away.

Beware! Random mixed/combined thoughts!

So many thoughts, so little room to store them. I'm experiencing an overload of thoughts and ponders of how our family can/will/may live as a whole and better ourselves as a family as well as a part of a community. I just want to take a moment to split that word up---------> comm unity......hmmmmmmm. what I see and hear in that that is come in unity.....granted the 'in' isn't in there but it makes sense. Come in unity with Christ....

community:

1. A group of people having common interests: the scientific community; the international business community.
2. A group viewed as forming a distinct segment of society: the gay community; the community of color.



1. Similarity or identity: a community of interests.
2. Sharing, participation, and fellowship.

Society as a whole; the public.


unity:

The state or quality of being one; singleness.
The state or quality of being in accord; harmony.


1. The combination or arrangement of parts into a whole; unification.
2. A combination or union thus formed.

Singleness or constancy of purpose or action; continuity: “In an army you need unity of purpose” (Emmeline Pankhurst).

It's very interesting to me to study individual words. I use to do this all of the time when I was big in writing poetry. Anymore I never seem to have the abilty to write what I want to write in the time alotted to me. I guess it happens and in due time I'll have that time.

So in search of our new way of living through/with/in Christ, we've come acrossed some possibilities that may be quite humbling and eye opening. I've been examining myself more closely today as I've been thinking this, and boy oh boy there's a severe need for improvements. Especially in my patience. Granted I've stated this before, but hey hey hey its still a factor that is being worked on, and hopefully I can have some peace in the matter. Certain things such as patience, and continuously giving to and loving strangers as well as the many gazillion things God wishes us to do with another seems nearly impossibly. Is it possible to acheive half of it and still be full of human emotions? No I don't question that too much, but I guess I just wonder how I would be in that kind of mental setting.

Hmmmmmm....just thinking

I'm finding myself searching for the realness in how to become a part of a community as well as trying to seek out what that would look like and mean for us as individuals. We are a big family in a small space, and really don't own much in comparison to the ways of this possession obsessed world, but in my eyes we own way too much for just ourselves. How can we, us, as a family become more accountable. How can we stop hiding our frustrations, and start loving each other better? How can we teach the kids to give so generously, if we ourselves have such a hard time doing so? Not saying we are stingy, but in this area and many others there's plenty of space for improvement. Since we've lived here I've experienced real prayer time with other people, and some real sense of community. Joining together to eat, laugh pray, sing, cry, and just breath in Christ's greatness of love and warmth. Then I think of the concept of pay it forward...you know actually putting it to work in your lives. I actually learned it from the movie "Pay It Forward" , but its still a great way of spreading the love, ya know? For those who don't know the concept, here it is: You help three people in a very big way by doing something they can't do by themselves. Then instead of seeking repayment or anything at that, you just tell them to pay it forward by helping three other people in very big ways, and so on and so on. It spreads so big. I don't know. These are all just some thoughts, ya know.

I guess I just look at my kids and wonder how I can show and teach them how God wants us to care for another by doing such things myself. I just pray for it... to be quick to give, not anger....to be quick to forgive, not be impatient....to live each day joyfully and thankfully, not regretably or grudgingly.....to be willing to give up everything we own to help someone, and not be selfish with our time and energy....to just live fully through Christ every day by choice, and not stray off His path by our own ignorance.

Some thoughts.....

I was reading the deal going on over at Andrew's blog, and just some more thoughts came to me, kind of along the lines of the subject of where my mind use to be before I came to know Christ. Life was hard, and it seemed inevitable that it was just going to get harder. The more you dreamed about a happy ending, the further away that reality was. Jesus was just some painting on the wall then with an unknown apathetic story that made Him well known. Hellbound was how I felt around the "God people" and it seemed then like the rightly chosen path if you wanted to ever have any fun. Drugs and alcohol were the anti-reality tools, and people were around to help you use them. Sobriety was defined as lame, ignorant, and boring. Forgiveness was nonexistent. The 'God people' the most judgemental people you'd ever meet. At times they were fake and so surreal. When I remember this stuff, I pray that I never come across like this. I know this is jumbled....if you are confused or just curious, just ask me/talk to me.

A little poetic moment

Who am I to you?
A brother?
A sister?
A neighbor?
An enemy?
Who am I to you when you stare at me blankly?
When you look right through me as if I'm glass?
Am I here for you?
Am I here with you?
I gaze at the wonderous sky, and think of you.
Where do you stand?
A seeker of peace and serenity?
Maybe all you need to do is walk through my door.

Not sure what to say, but here we go......

Not sure of what to say, but I guess I'll say it anyways, hee hee. I found myself feeling a little out of place today at chrch and I'm not so sure as to why. I think I was just tired from working today. Today was slammed at work, and to my very own surprise, I survived. I even was able to catch up! My boss and co-workers even said they were impressed. I was told it takes most people a couple of weeks to keep up with little mistakes.

I fixed lil miss Kiwi's hair like my own lil punker girl.


Isn't she awesome?

Mikah D has become his very own personal hair dresser. He just loves to pose!


And Asa B loves to scrubba scrub in the tubba tub! Such a water baby!

You Wanna see my buns?

Challah buns that is! So at Einstein's, they make all fresh bagels EVERYDAY. So that means they toss the end of day's left overs.Which also means the employees get dibs to take them home! Today I took advantage of that and got practically every bagel they had. very nice.........

Anyways, on top of that I am enjoying my job. The people are cool, and the job isn't that bad at all. Asa isgetting along fine without me too. I was a little worried I'd have to stop nursing, but that's not the case. I just have to make sure I "Express Myself" for mommy milk when I get home. I'm still trying to get use to the hours of early AM, but that's okay. I'll get use to it.

Things I'm thankful for this morning

+ My beautiful family
+ My new job
+ Our family bundling up the nerve and strength to move here in Dallas
+ LGBC for love and support during this transition
+ That the older kids are still sleeping, giving me a quiet morning with Asa
+ The Rudd's for love, support, friendship, and for teaching us the wonderful benefits of cloth diapering
+ That my stomach can handle more than one cup of what Scott would call, some weak weak weak coffee
+ For our new friendships that are developing
+ For our new apartment, this is our first one all to ourselves
+ For our family in Indiana, for their support and everything else
+ A working microwave ;)
+ An unlimited amount of library books borrowed
+ Mikah's desire to be homeschooled
+ Our desire and wiilingness to homeschool the kids
+ everything
+ Kiara being daytime potty trained :) YOU GO GIRL!

Rock On

Okay I've got a couple of things to share. First, a couple of days ago our new microwave pooped out on us. I guess the green beans were too much for the machine, hee hee. Anyways, we couldn't afford to buy a new one and when I threw out my broken purse, I was positive I accidently left the receipt inside it. So since then we've been having to heat up everything on the stove, and having to rewash everything as we go. Which is fine, but at times its just so much nicer being able to skip all of those extra steps when cooking. Well, miraculously, I was cleaning off the dresser and found the receipt! Rock on! We now have a new microwave. Also, I was able to get one cheaper, so I also got the kids some new flip flops, which was needed too. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, the little things :)

Okay next, I want to share a little tidbit from my walk with the kids yesterday evening. As we were walking Kiara looked ahead, and I heard her faintly whisper, "It's so beautiful." I smiled and asked what was beautiful. She said, " Ahhhhhhhh, the sky." It was so adorable. And it also made me realize how new her eyes are compared to mine. I remember when I use to just stare at the sky in wonder and enjoyment. It just brought me to a place where I come to realize how huge God really is. Very cool stuff. I love my little angels :)

The last thing I wanted to share was about my oldest little babe, Mikah. This week we had been doing homeschooling. Nothing really scheduled, but just a start to help me figure out a more regular schedule. Anyways, since I've been hired the kids realize I'm not going to be here constantly anymore. This came acrossed as a big bummer to them while I was looking, but eventually they became happy for me and us. Anyways, today while I was exchanging the microwave, Mikah gave his Mama Phyllis a call. He hid in the closet so he could talk to her privately. One of the things he wanted to talk to her about was how he didn't want to go to school, that is outside of the home. Wow, it's amazing how much these kids think about. For some reason I had thought we had talked about it with him, but I guess not. So Scott had a talk with him about how while I was at work, daddy would be here and do a little bit of school, and when mommy got home, she would do a little bit too. Mikah thought that was awesome. I must say it makes me feel really good that he wants to be homeschooled and that we are able to find the way to do it.

A little Humbled

Wow, experiencing this first month here has been interesting. We've been getting closer and closer to the nitty gritty of our finacial situation. I'm not sure if we've ever been this situation where every last penny is stretched to its fullest potential. God has definitely been good, though. He has provided. We've never missed a meal, and we are healthily enjoying ice water as our main beverage. I must say I do enjoy watching God provide. He never holds back.

Also I have experienced the prayer groups here. This is something I have needed for quite the while. Just a time where you sit with one another, and be totally honest about what you need prayer for, and also a great time to pray for others. There really are no words to describe it. Ever since I've been here and meeting and talking with people, the more this place feels right for us. I feel like this is definitely the missing puzzle piece. It's absolutely amazing.

OH Guess What I Found!

I found me a jobby-job! Yes, oh, yes indeed. I walked in, filled out an application, talked with the assistant manager, then the manager, and got hired on the spot! What a relief. I hate my sucky faith. I was starting to freak a bit about finding a job, but just when I started getting really freaked, God stepped in laughing at me and shaking His head. Sorry God, I'll try to change my inner voices. So Einstein Brothers Bagels is my new place of employment. Rock on! I start May 2nd, and I can wear my piercing! Who's excited, ME ME ME! Sorry, I know I sound a little crazy with all of this, but I haven't been in the workplace in forever, and today at the interview I was extremely comfrtable with it all, and can't wait to start bageling away! Well, Asa and the house is calling. Thanks to everyone for their prayers.

A Bitter-Sweet Day

Okay, so I started today off by calling some places I had applied and job hunting through the job ads. And shortly before lunch time went off on a drive to check out some possible areas to apply. Well, I didn't get a chance to actually apply during this time, but at least I gathered up some ideas.

After lunch a woman from church picked me up to join her and some other ladies for a prayer time. The whole ime I was there I was thinking, "I've NEEDED something like this for quite some time now." It was gorgeous how much I was able to relate to this group of women. What was even more awesome was that we were all so different in our individualistic ways, yet through Christ, so alike. I felt so comfortable with them, and I can't wait to get to know these women better.

Well, that was awesome and that was the sweet part. I came home from the group to find that my brother had called. I had totally forgotten that today was the day my Dad was going back to court to see if he was going back to prison or not. For a little bit tof background, my Dad had went to prison a while back ago for some money issues. Well, today he got sentenced for 33 months. I'm still trying to gather all of the info as possible, but so far my emotions are feeling strung about and pulled every which way. It sucks, because even though I only saw him a couple of times a year, I was still able to call him and talk with him as well as the kids. I just hope that since he has to do the time, that it does him some good.

A moment to exhale

I'm at the moment trying to figure out what kind of person I am, as well as what kind of parent I am, what kind of wife I am, but I'm guessing that none of that is important at this given moment, because everytime I try, I am pulled from myself back into supermom mode. That's okay to me, but there are just times where I get so damned selfish in my thinking, and it makes the day really hard on not only me, but those around me. I know people say I need to find time to myself and all, but what do I do, how do I , where can I, and sometimes why can't I? The last time Scott gave me a little bit to go somewhere by myself, I ended up taking Kiara with me. I'm not complaining about this at all, we had some fun with the Rudd's , and it was quite nice for the both of us. I almost always enjoy the one on one time with the kids. I say almost because when there's a kid involved there's always room for trauma and drama, hee hee. I'm not so sure where this is going, so don't try to map it. I'm trying to remember all of the topics I really wanted to write about, but in the mix with taking care of the kids, it all has been lost.

So anyways, here's some happy-go-lucky stuff I want to share: Kiara is almost totally potty trained for daytime. Granted we still have accidents, but hey those happen. Either way she's doing AWESOME! I'm also getting the hang of these cloth diapers and have been using them more frequently. And Mikah has started homeschooling, well, right now its kind of unorganized, but that will change shortly. He's learning how to follow directions and how to add, and take in what he's reading. Very nice. I must admit the first try was quite frustrating for Mikah and myself, but that's okay. This is something new to the both of us. Another thing is Scott and I are feeling very comforted about our decision about moving here. It just fits. Well, mommy-hood calls once again, our dinner is fixed, the kids and I all helped to prepare :)

What side of the bed is this?

Okay, so I wake up with my little miss Kiara in her cloth diaper letting me know she needed changed. Of course there was no smell so to my suprise, there's poo everywhere. Just as I start changing her, Asa's diaper, which is also in a state for changing, starts to leak as well. Once I change everyone, and clean everything up, Mikah starts hitting me up for some oatmeal. So I take a breath and make the oatmeal, and pour Kiara a bowl of Bran flakes which she has asked for. Just as I'm about to pour the milk in her bowl, she says she wants oatmeal and starts crying. CRYING. Ha ha, luckily for her I still had some patience left and had her stop crying and ask for it nicely. She had done so. Once all of our oatmeal was done, we sat at the table to eat. Its too hot still, so Mikah starts repeatedly asking for an ice cube. Before I did this I checked Kiara's oatmeal to see if it was the same as Mikah's, but her's was cooler. So I just got an ice cube for Mikah. This is about when World war 3 crash landed in Kiara's little head. You gotta love three year olds, hee hee. After that drama was done I actually sat down to eat my own breakfast, and for some odd reason this is Asa's cue to just freak out in a crying fit. This morning I was severely outnumbered and I feel like its a show tell sign that I need to crack down on these spoiled kids a lot more on their manners and respect. I love my kids like crazy, but I'm thinking I'll appreciate them a lot more when I get at least a part time job. Must go Asa's crying my name.

Questions that strike a pose

So I'm finding myself around a lot of questions, whether they come from Scott or myself, they are here. And the only thing I get out of them are more questions. The majority are God related and I guess I've become maybe more acceptable about not knowing than God wants me to be. This has me going a little crazy in mind. I'm not so sure how that comes across, but I'm beginning to believe it. I've become so use to just accepting that all of my questions, my impossible questions can't be answered by any person. Granted people can attempt to give me their answer, but really its a matter of opinion. The hard core facts can only come from God. So I just set them all aside, and hope that when the tiime comes, I will find out the real deal. But I don't think that's what He wants. He thrives on us searching for Him, and wants us to know Him more, even if it starts small and seemingly impossible. So maybe my acceptance is a way of trying to take the easier path. Is this making sense? Just some thoughts thrown out before I rest the night away.

Wow would be enough

I can't believe we've been here this long already. I'm still looking for a job, and it hasn't been easy for me at all. Its been so long, and my self confidence has lower a bit since having kids. I don't blame it on the kids at all, but having kids has changed my life around totally. I'm not the same person I use to be, its just factual. I use to be able to grab interviews without even going to the place or sending a resume'. Also I've been sick and its made my voice horrifying. I won't call on apps until its back to normal. Most places are customer service type jobs, I need to sound friendly over the phone, not like Frankenstein, ha ha.Yester, I lost my voice. I had to whisper to people. It was crazy. Today I still sound raspy, but hopefully tomorrow I can call, and go to more places.

my fam is dow, mom, sis and nephew. They came in on Friday, and on Saturday, my poor nephew was breathing really hard and wheezing like crazy, so he spent the day in two hospitals. The first one transfered him over to the children's hospital to get asthma treatment. He's doing much better now. He can't be too active though, and its hard for him to remember that.

Another happening, is: ASA PULLED HIMSELF UP, STANDING UP AGAINST THE FURNITURE! His first time, I might add, and I GOT TO SEE IT! Its been seeming as though Scott has seen most of his firsts, so this made me feel better :)

ta-ta for now!

WE'RE HERE!!!!!!!!!

Yes, yes..there it is! Here we are in our new home in the city of Dallas! (Let's take this moment to imagine my ginormous sigh of relief mixed with excitement)........
The drive was good, yet exhausting. I think I'm feeling the jet lag from it all, even though we didn't ride in a jet/plane.......car lag? Well you get the point. My mind and body are exhausted but that's okay....I defintely can deal. We don't have the net, so I'm going to have my main post about this all later. Thanks to EVERYONE for prayers and all of the help. ITS MUCH APPRECIATED!

Just one more quick note. Today I put on Asa's first very own cloth diaper.....and with that first cloth diaper, I got the explosion.....and guess what.....IT ALL KEPT CONTAINED! Very nice. Hopefully this will go smoothly. I'm planning on easing my way into it all. Between potty training Kiara, unpacking, job sesarching, and converting to cloth diapers, I think that is the best. Love you all, and will post more in a couple of days.

tooth-filled lil joys

Okay, forgot a little travel memory I wanted to share with everyone. Asa and daddy were just chilling out in the back seat of the car in Illinois, when Asa revealed the reason for his fussiness and sleeplessness: HIS FIRST TOOTH! There it was so plain for Scott to see, and what do I hear? "Ha ha! He's got his FIRST TOOTH! And I'M THE FIRST TO SEE IT!" Not that we're competing, but unfortunately Scott is rarely the first one to see these things. The first thing I think is: "Ouch" since I'm nursing still. Oh well, I guess I'll have to tough it out.

In addition to this first, we came home to find another. Mikah's had an incident with Kiara; she and him were jumping on his bed and her head come banging up against his lower jaw. This knocked a couple of teeth loose. Well when we were at Scott's parents to pick up the kiddos and we had to stay a couple of days to get the car fixed. Anyways our first night there I was brushing his teeth after his turn, and with the foaming toothpaste I saw a tooth just floating in his mouth! I screeched out of excitement....MIKAH HAD JUST LOST HIS FIRST TOOTH! Very cool. Now I remember when I was a kid and had a tooth fairy, so I decided to do the same with the kids. Heck, we already killed Santa, might as well give him the tooth fairy. So I wrote him a note and left a dollar to replace the tooth. Well, of course he was all sorts of excited, and read that letter over and over and over. Well, later that day he thought for some odd reason that I wanted him to throw away the letter. And he did! I still don't know where he got that; either way the letter was gone, and he was upset about it later. It really broke his heart. He wanted us to dig up the trash we had already taken out. To be honest, that's not my cup of tea, digging in the trash, especially when its alreaady tied up and has only God knows what else inside. So what do I do? I rewrite the letter. I had it all set up perfectly. I had the same crayon, same fold, and same wording.....well almost the same wording. I think I accidently added a word or two. This is the moment where I hand him the letter, and squint....will he notice this isn't the same letter? He examines the page over and over and over again...."Hey! This letter is different!" This is within 30 seconds! BUSTED. I was laughing so hard from shock. How many times did he read that thing!?! So this is where I tell him the truth about me rewriting the letter. This helped him feel better and he understood why I did it. He's such a sweet little man.

get organized already!

One thing this family has been very horrible about is being organized. We really suck at it. And right noww I'm at the beginning stages of our packing.......what a freaking mess! My mind doesn't like to keep my body in tune as to what's going on sometimes, and what I mean by that is I have way too many thoughts hitting me all at once, so important things are much too easily forgotten. (urgggggh) So all of this combines is truely a big mess. I hope to be able to have all of our necessities sorted as to what to keep and toss. Our next place is quite small, and if we can't compact it, then we must toss it. I just hope that when we unpack everything, we can find enough places for it all. I think that's why we are so unorganized....we can seem to have set places for things.

By the way, practically everything I've wanted to say about our trip to Dallas, Scotty pretty much said it perfectly. Only thing I would add is how wonderful the trip down was, and how freaking awesome it is that we are able to move down to Dallas! Huge thanks to the Rudd's for EVERYTHING! Especially for putting up with us for the week. Also huge thanks to the kern's for putting up with us! It was wonderful to see all of you! It was fantastic to meet Jessica finally. I hope to spend more time with her someday soon. Our trip down was quite refreshing. We've been going through some mind trauma lately from worries about family to what the next year is going to be like. Gladly enough though, our next ordeals of stress is a lot clearer so its much easier to handle.

Well, I've got a ton to do and very little time to do it, so I probably won't post again until we are moved. Take care everyone!

Update on Scott's sister

I talked with Scott's sister today, and she's all around doing FREAKING FANTASTIC! She told me that the majority of her health problems that have been occuring over the past year have just up and vanished since the surgury. She talked with her oncologist and he said that the kind of cancer she had released a certain chemical in her body, and its been known to cause those symptoms. Some of the problems she's had were muscular dysfunction. She would lose all feeling in her legs and her hands would get all funky too. Also it sounds like she'll have a lot of people helping out with the 500 hours of community house service for Habitat For Humanity. I guess the youth group and a bunch of other people from their church are all about helping out. I'm so happy for them. I hope it just keeps getting better for them.

Deal with it

I must say I'm tired of hearing about issues that deal with separation of church and state. From the Commandment monuments and plaques all the way to gay marriage. First of all, if they remove a monument from the capital building, will that action change the history of our nation's laws or that state's unity? NO! Will we stray from keeping the commandments because they take a piece of marble and stone away? NO! Will fighting against gay marriage convert gay men and women to heterosexuality? NO! I can go on and on about these two, especially these two, but you get where I'm going. I understand that this guy is sueing for the position and existence of the monument, but this kind of thing has happened in the past where a bunch of the blind minded get their panties in a twist over such crud that leads them to protest with picket signs and raise some "holy cain" . I say, what's the ebig deal....take the phrase off the currency, the monuments out of the gov buildings, and stop discriminating unconstitutionally against gay marriage.....its not like they aren't getting married already. I think Christ has some better ideas of how to go about it than this.

(by the way, I'm not use to this crazy one button mac mouse, so no links will bee posted until I get back.)

We're Off....way off

Well tomorrow we leave for Monticello. There we will prepare the kids and ourselves with the final touches for our vacation/get away. I'm thinking about getting my hair cut.....not too sure what look I'd be going for, either way I need a good trimming. Friday early morning we will be headed to Oklahoma to visit the wonderful Kern family. The next morning we will be headed to Dallas to visit the Rudds and Thames. Tonite I get to start packing and get stuff fairly organized for when we come back. It'll be good just to go on the road trip.

Because of all this I probably won't be back on for awhile, at least until we get back. See ya!

living in the moment

It's silent...almost too silent. Older kids are playing and coloring together nicely on the floor. The baby is sleeping and I was actually able to put some of the clothes away. The second after I start thinking, "this is going to be a good day" it happens. That one little dister that carries a domino effect. It all starts with a crayon. Kiara puts a crayon back in the tub where it belongs. Mikah's head does a 360 degree backflip, and all hell breaks loose. Mikah's screaming at Kiara, Kiara's screaming back, the baby wakes up and starts screaming. I attempt to go at it all calmly, but soon have to raise my voice just to get the older kids to acknowledge my existence. Finally there is some resolution. Mikah and Kiara choose to play separately. Asa is ticked off still from being awoken and immediately put down without cuddling. He's a little hungry but still very tired, so I feed him and attempt to rock him back to sleep. Yes! It's quiet again! Finally a second where my nerves can just chill. Then it all happens again. Of course its a little different of a scenario, but same story. This is my routine day. Its starting to getting very stale and unbreathable, yet I'm out of ideas of how to get it all under control. I'm tired of not being able to keep this place clean, I'm tired of constantly battling with the kids, and I'm tired of being a hermit crab.

Last night I was to the point of just breaking down. I just wanted to kick something, scream at the top of my lungs, and then curl up into a ball and just cry. I'm highly looking forward to a break from the kids and our every day run around. I can't wait to get on the road. I think I'm going to enjoy this road trip. I'm especially going to enjoy seeing everyone, but just having time set to read, write, or crochet will be nice. I might even have a decent conversation with Scott too! That alone would be nice. A conversation where we aren't interrupted by the chaos our family lives out. Don't get the wrong idea.....I'm going to miss the kids like crazy, but I've needed a break...sort of like a day off. My job is 24/7 with these lil guys. I don't get to go home from work cause that's where work is. I'm hoping to change this routine very soon when we come back. Not too sure what that'll look like, but we'll find out sure enough!

thanks for listening.

Failed to Mention

I think I've failed to mention that I was able to save my hair....well at least most of it. Its been thinned out due to the removal of the waxy mess. I miss my dreads, and am a little aggravated I'll have to wait awhile again before putting them back in. My hair is still long, but with missing some, they wouldn't be as strong now. Oh well, I guess this waiting period will be a good time to strengthen my hair for the next bunch of knatty friends.

Kiara's leaarning how to write. She doesn't quite yet recognize each letter, but we're working on that as we work on writing out the letters. We're still struggling to get her on the potty. She's very sensitive and now says she's scared of the potty, because there are monsters in there. I think its because her and her daddy had some verbal problems. She couldn't quite express what she wanted to say and poor Scotty was confused as to what she wanted. This has been awhile since its happened, but its been since then she's been using the potty. I think I might get a little mischeivious with it, and bribe her at first....this is how we had to potty train Mikah. I didn't like it, but it was our last resort. Hopefully just using it to get her on the potty and then gradually encouraging it without bribary will do the trick. Today is the day....I hope.

Mikah has been quite the little artist and Mr. creativity. Once I find out how to get these pictures onto our new computer, I'll put some of his work up. He and the kids almost need their own gallery. I might be able to incorporate this into their next room when we move.....hmmmmm.

Ode to Scotty!

yay for scotty....he learned to potty...or at least that's what i'm told.
he may have earned, and maybe learned...ahhh who cares...he's just OLD!



HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!

crazy moods and some scrambled thoughts

Tonite's been quite a swing dance with moods. Set aside my reaction with the kids, my inside is just exploding. Nothing bad, just feel confused about a lot of things. I feel like my heart is pulling me somewhere that seems out of reach. I've been trying to pray about it all, but I feel even more confused about it all right after. A leap of faith is needed, and that doesn't necessarily physically changing directions, but was is essential is to change my focus. Since we've found out about Scott's sis and everything it seems as though I've strayed off the path I was heading on and its really getting to me. I'm glad God never gives up on me, and knows what buttons to push on me. But I'm still confused on what to do and how. No matter the location I need to get involved with a community, regularly. But what? And how? Why is it the more I search for peace the more chaos tkes over? Can a peaceful life be lived fully for God? Is this possible as we are on this earth? I am who I am, I've been where I've been, I've seen what I've seen and believed what I believed. That cannot be changed and shouldn't ever be in consideration...........but I can choose not to change, but adapt into His greatness.

What will that look like?

CANCER FREE!

SCOTT'S MOM JUST CALLED ME AND TOLD ME THAT ALL THE TESTS CAME BACK AND SARAH IS CANCER FREE!THIS IS AWESOME NEWS! Granted she's still really sore and still in recovery....THIS ROCKS!

Wax on......no....WAX OFF!!!!!!!!!

Ok, here's the gist of what happened. Got my dreads put in by my sis. We pulled an all nighter and still didn't get it finished as well some dreads were poorly done. Scott finished the untouched ones and I figured the rest we could work as we go. I used a little wax here and there, to keep the frizz down and make it all nice. Well, I decided to go somewhere to have someone help back comb the badly done dreads and wax it after. It took forever to find a place to do them, and when I finally found a place, I got scheduled in and went. I get there, and this french lady twists my dreads and throws some wax on. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how much wax she was using until it was all done. She freaking made candles out of my freaking head! So this past week I've been struggling to get this excess wax out of my hair. I've tried almost everything, with the exception of using an iron to them, (which if you ask my opinion I may as well cut them out now than do that!). Today I washed my hair, my scalp was killing me and I wanted to try pretty hot warm and soap as one of my last resorts. I soon come to the realization that this may be the end of my dreaded wonderland. I'm at the end of my rope with it. I love my dreads but this wax is going to ruin them. I'm about to run out and get me some lemon juice and vinegar, and if that doesn't work, them I'm going to have to chop them off :( I don't want to chop off my new little friends.

Scott's lil sis

I haven't blogged in awhile due to business and mostly for my loss of words. Not speechlessness, but there's been a lot of emotion going on inside me, and I really didn't want to send out the wrong picture. For days now, I've experienced at least 2 different kinds of emotions at once quite often. Managing two is quite an improvement. It took me awhile to get to this. I was at points where I just wanted to cry, hit something, and hide in a hole all at the same time. Making the decision to stay here in Indianapolis wasn't an easy one, but it was the right one. We couldn't go with Scott's sister just finding out she has cancer. Just typing that out gives me chills. She's just a year older than I am, and she has cancer. Yeah I know that even kids get cancer and age isn't really a factor, but doesn't mean its fair. Heck no cancer is fair. Sarah, his sister has surgury February 22 at 7:30 am. She's to have half of her colon removed,and they are also going to peak around to make sure the cancer isn't anywhere else. It sucks cause when I pray about it I get so many mixed feelings.....some peaceful and some fearful. Tuesday will be here very soon and we'll find out then what's all going on. I can't help but look up to God and ask Him, "what's up? What's going on? What is going to come from all of it?" But I'll know someday.....

A Child-like Fit

Today I've found myself struggling a bit with getting the two older kids to listen. They feed off each other's fits and it seems as if they try to gang up on me. The main thing I wanted them to do was to pick up their toys.....this is an on-going struggle. Its almost as if they think that if they just pick up one or two, then the rest will follow. Unfortunately this isn't so, and I find myself constantly getting onto to them about picking their toys up....making the whole process lasting hours, and me in a fit of rage. Then I find myself feeling like a horrible mother who just spent the day yelling at her kids. There have been days where Mikah has spent most of the day in his room because he just won't listen. I feel cruddy and at the end of my rope....out of ideas to get some discipline going in a positive direction.

My final conclusion today was to ground the kids from their toys for a couple of days. Only thing allowed to them are crayons, paper and books. They of course through an enormous fit during this, so I made it two days, and a time out for screaming at me. I'm having a hard time with this, but am going to stick with it. I give excuses for the way they behave....I'm trying to throw myself in the other direction. Hopefully this will work out to everybody's advantage.

A Glorious start to a new year

I know January is done and gone, but I must say it has been a beautiful start in this awesome new year! I'm calling it Heather's Year of self-taught creations and journey to God's light......or something...hee hee!

So far I've taught myself how to sew, and have made and finished 4 projects......as well as I'm continuing to learn how to improve it. Also my sister has just taught me how to crochet.....I'm starting to get the hang of it and am also getting a lil addicted. I hope to be able to make scarves and beanie tihgt hats with it, and who knows maybe a blanket sometime! This may be a nice little trade that'll come in handy later. Next I'm going to learn how to batik and tie dye. I know how to tie dye already, but not with specific designs....I've never really liked the look of them. Once I get a washer and dryer, I'll be able to teach myself how to do all of that! Which I technically already know, just waiting on the washer and dryer...yay!

I got my beautiful dreaded hair now, and am contemplating a new piercing to go with this fabulous year of new changes. Not sure yet....I might go ahead and get it done in Dallas after I've found a job....I don't want to mess with that area. Granted there are probably a ton of jobs I can do with a piercing, but a job should come first.

Kristen asked me once what I would like to do for work....at the time I was so focused on sewing....that's what I told her, but the more I think of it, the only way I'd do that for work is if I had friends to sew with....I'm a people person...I crave people, so it would only be a good idea to find a job around people.

I've searched my heart, and one place I have always set my heart towards are pregnant teens. I was just 17 when I had Mikah, and have been through a great deal during that time. I was extremely lucky God had chosen the best father for my child.....someone who would stick around, and love him no matter what.....someone who would later become my bestest friend in the whole world.....someone who would later become my partner in crime for life...not only that but my family was extremely supportive as well.I was very lucky. A lot of girls don't have that. A lot of girls have to do it alone. I would love to be somewhere to work hands on with those girls. I think that would be awesome. I pray for that, but also pray for God to put me where I can make relationships with all different kinds of people. I'm so thrilled, yet scared as to what God is doing with the lil Miller fam.

the locks have arrived!

Before:




After:



After a great amount of pain, and long withstanding hours of being teased and razzled, my little ones have arrived. I still have 7 more to get done, because 14 hours worth didn't quite cut it. Hopefully tomorrow will be the finishing day!

Whoa......its really going to happen.......

Okay here goes a YAY! for unlimited excitement, and an OH SHIT for a time to have a human freak out session, and let me end it with a ginormous praise THANKS BIG MAN! for finally showing our next steps for this new year. It's kind of weird. I have all of these feelings hitting me at once.....I'm feeding off of it though. Yeah I have a great amount of worries trying to punch at me, but I throw them aside and try to focus on the reason. So here I am, trying my hardest not to get ahead of myself and try to calmly strategize this big move. This will get interesting.

I've already broke the news to our parents....Scott's mom was supportive, but bummed. My mom didn't say anything supportive, and kept making other suggestions about what would be better to do with the means of going. My brother and sister are spokenly supportive , yet quietly protesting.

tIME fOR mE

I'm about to go to my lil resort (my tub), and enjoy a splendid lavender/chamomile bubble bath with honey vanilla moisture beads, accompanied by my watermelon soap.....ahhhhhhhhhh! And my tunes for this magnificent event shall be Miss Tori Amos.
Bling Bling :)

one baby....two baby...three baby.....RUN!

Below you'll find one of the very few opened forwards I received.....I've found quite hilarious, because some of it is quite relative! Check it out.......Cheryl...you'll probably get it with me ;)






Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. ( AMEN TO THAT!!!!!)

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the

baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard

only the ones with the darkest

stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up

the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
you
can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with

some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need

it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain
about the smell or you see it

sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby
Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees
blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or

hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the

hospital & demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children...

or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children...

(The older the mother, the funnier this is!

Home yay :)

The kids and I are finally back home. Its very nice to be back. This trip was mostly made for the grandparents to spend some time with the kids more before we make our distant move. So far my mom is still trying to talk me out of it all....she can't quite have the understanding of it all, but I think over all she's just going to miss us. Well, especially me because I'm the sanist and best of all her children ! ;) Hee hee. Just kidding, but at least she'll have a reason to get out every now and then for vacation. She hasn't done that in awhile. Scott's mom is going to miss us like crazy.

AHHHHHH.....our move.....I get so friggin excited everytime I think about it. We've been wanting to go to Dallas for awhile....its never really left our hearts since our visit a year and a half ago. Granted there's still a slight chance we may not get to go, but that's on God to figure out. He knows more than us what's best for us. It's going to be tough, but we'll figure it all out.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh........I received my awesome package when I got home..........locks are in my future.......my very very soon future.....more will be revealed soon enough :)

Asa's growing still.....he's 17.5 lbs. My other kids struggled to get to that weight when they were 3 months older than he is. He's my lil chunker, that's for sure. He's still a lil scooter, but getting better at it.

Mikah and Kiara have been pinching my nerves. They are both at a very conflicting age and repeatedly bounce angrily off each other, as well as they both are trying to gain independence by defying our authority as parents. They push their lines passed the limit, and when the consequences are being carried out, they persist to throw enormous fits. My patience during this hasn't been the best I'm afraid to say. I fight back by taking a few second prayers throughout the day. It helps me breathe.... Hopefully over time we will get better at this.One thing I find I have to keep reminding myself about being a parent is that I'm both a teacher and a student....and these two things overlap quite often.

Our Next Step

Soon enough we're going to be making a big step. Scott and I are going to be living on our own....no parents.....no room mates.....just us. My brother, our room mate will be on his own as well.

I will start working also to help out with the bills. We've been ........ well more so I've been quite blessed to be able to stay home with the kids this past year while Scott worked. Yes, there were some tough times, but now that its getting better, its all going to change. Change is okay though. Our family needs to make some changes and start leaning on God more. This doesn't mean we haven't been, but we're lacking something in our spiritual journey. I would be lying if I said I was on the right path for my spiritual well being. I do believe I'm working towards it though and should be closer as time and change goes by.

I pray our next step will be as smooth as possible. Granted moving is never really smooth.....but hopefully all of the worry and fear keeps a good distance.

I wonder how the kids will be after we move. After I start working....how will they react to it? Hopefully they will accept it for a new adventure....hopefully we as adults will too. This is our journey to God/with God/for God. I know as long as we focus on Him it'll all be good.

torn

I can't even describe how I feel about the tsunami that struck South-east Asia. All the survivors I pray for consistantly.....practically every time I stop to watch my children play, I pray for them. I don't know how to glance towards God while praying about what happened.....the quivering question of why hits me so hard. Did He cause this....no I must argue against others about that, but why did He allow this to happen? And then I can sense myself becoming vulnerable to the impure thoughts that can follow, so I've decided not to pray about what happened, but about who it happened to, and ease every and any way efforts being made to help those involved. This is really all I can put out in words on how I feel about it all. Believe me there's a ton more, but this is where it must stop for now.

the joy of breastfeeding

I must say that I enjoy breastfeeding. This unfortunately wasn't so with my other children, but I think my maturity at the time had a great deal with that. I was 17 with Mikah and 19 with Kiara.....that says enough about that. I always felt trapped and held down, was embarrassed to nurse in public, let alone in front of family at home. But now I know others who are doing it just as long or longer than I am and with that, its comforting. Also I'm not so embarrassed. I do cover up most of the time while in public, but only if I feel it might make people I'm trying to conversate with uncomfortable. And granted some would say, "Whip it out anyways! There's nothing to be shielding, its best for your baby!" (by the way this isn't anyone's outspoken opinion to me),but I wouldn't want to cause any unnecessary walls of communication.

Last weekend though my milk started to dry up. I wasn't satisfying Asa at all with any of my feedings and had to supplement with formula. I tried so many times to feed him, but was about to give up. I didn't let myself though. I decided I was going to be the very stubborn chick I use to be about it, and work it out so I can build up my milk supply once more. So I took two days worth where I didn't give Asa any formula, no matter how bad he cried. Don't worry, he was getting fed, I still had a little bit to give. Anyways, I was feeding him every 1-2 hours at least during this time. Luckily enough I was at my mother-in-law's so I got a little bit of help. After the first day it got a little bit better, not much, but still some improvement. Eventually, I was able to satisfy him with every meal again. This felt good. I can't count how many times I've thanked God for this......very cool.

I use to wonder if the reason why I nursed was because I was lazy......this may still be accurate to some degree, but after the drought threat, its helped me realize how I feel about it more.

Sewing buff and scooter

I've finally finished my first seewing project! I've created a jacket and pant set for Kiara. It looks kind cool. There are mistakes, but heck its my first ! I'll try to get pictures up soon, but we'll see about that. I'm excited though. I've been plotting and designing in my head for ages now, and my mother gave me a sewing machine for Christmas, so I have ways to get out all of it....Yay for creativity! I can't draw for snot, let alone paint, sing or play instruments, but this kind of thing I think I can do. I just need to learn the ropes a bit hands on first. I've got two more projects I'm working on, and hope to have them finished by Wednesday....hopefully.

Other news........Asa's a scooter! my lil babe is rushing to catch up with big Mikahd D and Slammin' Kiwi ! I protest and support this. He moves like a catepillar. He rests his body by his head, scrunches his knees up under his chest then looks up, and kicks with his feet. So cute. And yet so WRONG! HE'S MY LIL BABY AND HE'S GROWING SO BIG SO FAST!! IT JUST NOT FAIR! Once he's all big, I won't have any babies to spoil until grandchildren :(

Heehee, oh well that's okay. They can grow up, but when I say pause, they best slow it down, or water works will erupt! :)

The kids and I made some snow people also.....here are some pictures...

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh....duh!

I wanted to place some pictures up here but the time to fix them and then host them takes too long for a a girl who doesn't really have the time to blog. What's funny about that though is now that I have a second to post somethings I wanted to blog about, I can't remember a thing I wanted to post and can't necessarily bthink of something else......oh well maybe later.ha hee hee....we'll see.

doing okay

The holidays are almost done, and I feel nothing about it but relief. The kids got bombarded with a gazillion toys from the granparents, of course way more than they ever need, but there's not much for me to do about that. I've tried directing the grandpaents this year in the route of what they got the kids. As always my mother ignored me cheerfully. I wanted more educational stuff this year. More stuff to help them use their imagination and stretch their minds just a tad. I'm not sure if slot cars fit in that, but they are pretty cool. We had no room for any of these new toys, so I had the kids pick which ones to bag up and store at their grandma's. Eventually most of them will be donated somewhere.

About ten years ago my mom wasn't able to get us anything for Christmas. We had just went through a house fire, and our insurance company wasn't willing to pay us what they owed us for it so my mom had to file bankruptsy. I found out this week that she has been trying to make up for it ever since. She's always tried to get us a bunch of stuff, and since the kids are here she goes overboard with them too. I've told her one christmas not to get me anything, cause I didn't want anything, but to just hang with her, and she got really upset with me about it. I remember fighting with ehr about it all and giving in. I never knew how strongly she felt about her ability to give to others until then. Its just what she craves this time of year.

Our lil fam is doing better. We're kind of trying to renovate how we are with each other. I've tried blogging about it in the past, but everytime I've found myself without words, and the one time I found the words, I changed my mind about sharing. I needed to get it out, but I realized I need to be ready to get it out. I look at our family, and of course we aren't perfect....that wouldn't be interesting I don't think anyways, but we were starting to fall off our paths and focus on God by confusing our priorities. Hopefully we can get back on track soon enough.

Asa has been a riot lately. He's talking on a whole new level, druel everywhere, and even tries to scoot while on his belly. But he's not even five months old yet, so give him time and he'll be chasing his brother and sister. Mikah's reading like crazy. He's going to be so much smarter than his parents.....ha ha he already is! Kiara is so pretty and has the grandest imagination there ever were. I see this very awesome. She's not up to scale with Mikah or even close, but man oh man she can play and pretend! These lil people rock.

An Endless Battle

Before I left for Monticello, I was very close to having a nervous breakdown.....and unfortunately this is not an exaggeration. A gazillion tears have been spent, and four and a half days gone and I think I've regained some of my sanity. Still depressed though, and what sucks is that as I wrote that I'm depressed I felt so selfish about it all. On top of that I'm so angry with myself for allowing it to happen. But in this battle, at times, I just want to give in. Throw in the towel. My kids are awesome,drive me crazy every now and then, but still phenominally awesome. But that's all I feel I have right now. I want to be so mad and angry with God.....it feels like He's started this mess. But I know this isn't true. That's not the God I believe in. Anymore it just gets so damn hard to breathe. I've held too much in for too long, and I feel as if I'm past full. I want to sleep all of the time. My body is fighting me to recover from the surgery. You can't necessarily take it easy with three kids.

Sorry this post is nothing but complaining, but I have nothing else to write about right now.

To Freak or Not to Freak....that is the question.

Okay, so my mom is up this week to help me out after my surgury. Tonite I stretch out my back by leaning backwards and it feels very strange...as if there's actually something hard in my back where there shouldn't be. I assume its just a muscle knot, but still mention it to my mom who is a nurse. She feels what I'm talking about and gives me this very concerned/freaked out look.........yeah! So I ask her why she's appearing this way. She says, "I don't know" in a calm manner, but her eyes are still bulging. So I ask her again, she just repeated herself. So then I ask her why the heck she keeps this wigged out look on her face. She tells me she's never felt anything like that before! Okay.....so then I ask her if I should be concerned....."I don't know.....if its there in the morning.....maybe?" Nothing against my mom but she's got me freaking just a little. I know she's not a doc, but an ER nurse. Please pray for my sanity. This probably is nothing, but I'm still kind of weirded out by it.

Speaking of sanity....I'm off for Monticello for at least a week. I'm hoping to be back friday afternoon.....we'll see.

Just One Of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm alone in what I do. I hate these days.....I soon end up feeling selfish about it all, and then can't figure out why I even feel selfish about it all. I guess I assume too much, or want too much.....but where is the line drawn when you need to ask for help...that sense of huimilty is never there without some selfishness....right? Not a clue here. Just tired of being confused about when to ask for help, when the right time to vent and to whom, and when to just shut my mouth and keep it inside.

the day after tomorrow??????soon?

I've been finding some info in yahoo news that's been disturbing. Not surprising though...it just sounds too much like a recent movie that came out: The Day After Tomorrow. Anyone who has seen it knows what I mean.....disturbing, not surprising.

What I actually find extremely disturbing is that our country..more specifically our president is failing to give a damn about it. It'll hurt our economy.....boohoo. Our country makes possibly the most pollution of the countries in this world, and yet our administration opted out of the Kyoto Protocol....what a bunch of crud.

Here are the articals that got my attention: bang boom



Granted I suggest you to look and do your own research accordingly, but this just is where mine began.

A Beautiful Day

These past couple of days I've been trying to read with Mikah a little more, and try to get into the habit of it just to read to the kids. Mikah has a young children's bible that he's recently been digging into. So far he's read to me 5 short stories from it. He's doing extrememly well with reading...I'm in awe. Again...I'm sure I've said this before...I can't take credit for this. About a year ago I showed him the basics and he took what I taught him and flew away with it. Asking questions along the way and observing everything he comes into contact with, he's now reading very close to where a first grader would be. I know one thing, he's very determined to know what is inside the written world. I know this makes his daddy very proud. Kiara looks up to him in so many ways and earlier while he was reading, I noticed the way she was staring at him. The wondering going on inside her brain of how he obtained so much coolness, so much glitter. She's not quite up to speed as Mikah was at her age, but I hope to get her as far as she is willing to go. She's becoming quite the little girl. I hope to spend a good deal of time with her tomorrow, just talking and playing. Of course the boys will be there on and off, but I think we need some girl time. The poor girl only has boys around her most of the time.

One thing I'm realizing more and more is that my time with the kids is very precious. Its passing by so fast, and I'm so glad to be willing to appreciate it. These little kids are our little gifts to the world. They may go by what we teach them, and they may not , but what is important is that they will go knowing that I love them and will always. There are so many things I want to get done before this life is through, but here lately all of those things are easily ignored and set aside, so they don't distract me from my lil babes. I can't imagine what it would be like without the kids. Yeah we'd have so much freedom with time and venturing, and even just doing nothing to be peaceful, but these kids are here now.......and with how we wish to raise them with the curiosity and love, they will probably be with us a very short time after they get older.

I hope I feel this way for the years to come...I pray that I do.

I've been trying to become more aware of how God is affecting the lives around me. This is how I am working on getting closer to totally trusting God. I believe because I know its right, but then there's that question of why its right....then I get the answer: it just is. This I can accept, but somwtimes my mind plays tricks on me. I don't have a very good past of trusting people, especially no one I've ever seen before. So what am I doing: I'm looking for His traces, embraces, and what is being done. This is proving to be most successful, little by little, but still successful.

I read a lesson by Cedar Ridge Community Church, and it just helped me open my eyes a little more. I found it very interesting, and a good refresher.

We went to Scott's grandparents' this thanksgiving.....both of them. My idea....I'm hoping to have just our parents for christmas ..... maybe I can get them all to come here instead! We'll see though cause my mom works christmas, and I'd want to do it on the same day. We'll see.

We took our handy dandy awesome camera, and by the end of the night Thanksgiving, we took about 94 pictures! insane. but we got some great photos.

Asa has a gloworm.....
does anyone else remember these? I thought it was pretty spiffy. I use to have one when I was a kid.....mighty fun. Here's where he fell asleep cuddling it.



Well hope you all had a great week. I'm recovering today heehee.

Hello

I must first come out and apologize for the big pictures......I fixed them so hopefully they look and load better.

Next I must say how much I love Evanescence's newest cd. The lyrics are awesome and mostly because they are real, and I can relate to most. Below is the song "hello" lyrics. It reminds me of my transition from the box-one size fits all-way of doing church into the nice, calm and relaxed-let's get to know and love another and share His word-by being the church. At least it explains it to me my feelings of it all.



"Hello"

playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello

if i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry

suddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here
all that's left of yesterday

Happy Birthday Kiara

Today is my little Kiara's birthday. She turned 3 today.....where oh where does the time go? She's getting so tall and talking so big, on top of getting prettier every day. (not sure if prettier is a word, but if not it is now!)

My grandmother had her thanksgiving dinner this past Thursday. My Aunt Cindy was able to come up from McKinney Texas with her daughter and future son-in-law, and their daughter. It was awesome to see my cousin again. Now that we're older it seems as though we connect a lot more than ever before. I like this. She's a great person, I really hope to get to know her better. Her fiance seems really nice. He's apprenticing to become an electrician.....braver than me..that's for sure! I get week kneed just thinking about trying to fix an outlet! He should be done in ten months.

My gran had the stomach flu so we saw her for seconds at a time, poor girl. She's feeling much better today though. It was a swarm of kids. There were 7 great grandkids there all under the age 10! This is not a big place either and it was raining on top of that! They all had fun though, which is good.

Here is Kiara, Asa, and Mikah below...so cute! This is so far the best picture I have of all three of them.

What's Goin On

Yesterday was Asa's 3 month birthday. Absolutely amazing how fast time flies. Also very awesome how much he's doing already. He's talking back to us in his cooing, screechy way; he's standing by pushing his legs while I hold him, and he's even starting to hold himself up on his tummy. It sucks because he's our last lil babe, but then again it rocks for the same reasons. Eventually we all can ride those thrill rides,go skate boarding, roller blading, and whatever else.These are things I could do now, but there are so little times I'm without Asa. I still try to give him a bottle of formula everyday so that when the time comes I can get a couple of hours he's okay while I'm gone.

The holidays are coming. Scott's family on both his mother's and dad's side are celebrating thanksgiving on the same day at different times. Yes, I can probably make it to both, but this is a day where I want to not only relax a little, but actually enjoy the people there. This will only feel very rushed, and when you mix that rushed feeling with being on the road 4 hours in one day, you have very cranky kids and a mom that ends up in stressful tears later on. Yuck....so now I just need to decide which side to celebrate with. Inny minny miney moe..... We''l just have to wait and see.

Vaccinated and Good

I took Asa to his doc appointment today. He's not sick, it was just a well baby check-up. Unfortunately he needed some vaccine shots. I have kept quiet about my worries about this subject. I've been informed recently that there is a very similar substance to mercury that is in the shots for preservation. That of course isn't a kind of thing you would want running around in your little baby's blood. So once the doc came in I stormed him with my concerns and questions. Come to find out, due to the rising concern of parents and medical workers, they no longer put it in the majority of vaccines. So I asked about the minority part, he then told me that all I have to do is request that the vaccine to be without, and they'll choose accordingly. Obviously, today I chose the one without. This does comfort me a lot, because I believe in the reason for vaccinating, but I also need to look out for my lil babes all around.

praying prayerfully

Wow, I just recently realized that my prayer life has doubled very nicely. I find myself praying for my friends and family almost every chance I get. This is an enormous upgrade in my spiritual computer. I find the more I pray for others, the more confidence and trust I find in God. No, I don't see the answered result of my prayers, but I'm comforted while going through them. This just encourages more prayer, which rocks! Now the next step for me is to dig a lot more into scripture. I suck at that. It always seems like everytime I pick up the bible, I all of a sudden need to direct my attention towards the kids. And when they are sleeping, I tend to get really selfish with my quiet time. I hope to fix this very soon. What I may end up doing is just reading and studying the word online.

Ta Da!

Hey I finally remebered I have a fotopage! Duh! Well here it is!

REFlection Day

Today is election day...the day where most people cast their votes into a machine so a president can be elected. I didn't vote......I didn't forget to register or anything, I just chose not to. A great many of people would think I'm not doing my part or standing up for what I believe in, but truth be told I am. I don't like how our country's voting system is set up. Not one bit. And this year it was deciding who was the best "actor"....who won your heart with a politician's promise? My brother voted today, and this state's majority lost his vote.....absolutely silly. All I ever hear is about is how everyone needs to vote since they have that right, but I really don't belive my vote matters...no wait a minute...it does if i choose the right state. I can't say who I would vote for anyways.....yeah I can see what they promise and all, but I can't say I've held that much trust to politicians...they always seem to put too much make-up on a very dirty face...if you catch my drift. I guess that's all about that.

Sick Lil Angel

My little girl, Kiara, is really sick. Yesterday she threw up a couple of times, and just feels awful. Poor girl has it coming out of both ends. At about 1am this morning, she threw up again, but she seemed really pale and was starting to get dark circles under her eyes. I took her into the ER and they ended up giving her an I.V. on top of pedialyte to help boost her fluids up. We finally got out of there at 7:30 am this morning. SHe's really tired, and frankly so am I, so we are going to take today to rest really well. Please pray for her and our fam. I hope it doesn't spread. I've been washing my hands like crazy, my hands are crispy even. I hope its doing the job. thanks.

Wow, what a night for poor lil Kiara. She threw up earlier this afternoon and later this evening she had a temperature. I put her in a cool bath to help bring the temp down. I don't like it when my babies are sick, it sucks. She slept on the couch for awhile, and didn't fight me to go to bed tonite, which is highly unusual...SHE MUST BE SICK! Asa has been a lil cranky too, but his is due to the fact he's too stubborn to stay asleep long enough during the day to where at night he's fighting so hard cause he's so tired.

On top of that I've had a gazillion things on my mind. A big concern of mine is what we are going to do this next year or so. It is so curious.....time will tell, but in the next 2 months we need to decide. This at least gives us time to figure it all out.

Heavenly Father, grant me the patience and the wisdom to see...........amen.

checkin out the audio blog possibilities

At Home Just Chilling

Well things have been going alot smoother at home with the kids. I give Asa one bottle of formula a day now, so that when ever I do need to get out, I have the choice of leaving him with Scott. He's slowly getting used to it. At least its only once a day.

Mikah is at his cousin's house, being a wonderful little boy, as well as having lots of fun. He helps without knowing, he keeps Gavin occupied while Delana gets stuff done around the house. Also gives her a big break. He gets to go trick or treating with him this up coming weekend, and he's just thrilled about it.

When he was here at home we started having a bunch of problems with him continuously hurting his sister and not listening to us at all. Diciplining him has been a struggle on what to do and how to do it. It seems like everything we try doesn't get it done, leaving Scott and I terribly frustrated at the situation and each other. I awaiting a book called Boundaries for kids that Bea referred to me. Ihope I can get some better ideas soon. I don't believe spanking is an answer at all for us as individuals.

Kiara has been up and down a lot lately. Although I can tell she's tremendously enjoying her break from Mikah, she misses playing, and even arguing with someone! She has her play animals bicker at each other then kiss and make up sometimes. She was doing excellent on the potty a week or so ago when I was at Scott's mom's house, but we came home and it all went down hill again. We'll keep trying. She's going to be 3 November 19......where in the world does the time go??? While going through her pregnancy, I felt like a wimp, but after and while I was in labor, I felt like superwoman! Crazy, I know, but I never knew I was going through that much pain throughout the pregnancy. She's so gorgeous....we're gonna have a big problem when she grows up......won't be able to let her out of the house! Scott will probably tie her up !

Asa's doing grandiose. He's still growing and probably over 13 pounds now. He's talking at me more, especially when I let it all loose and sing like crazy in front of him...HE LOVES IT! Luckily for Scott, he's at work during. He's busting out of his onsies already, so I'm going to make extensions for them with a piece of cloth and those buttons that go on onsies, that way he can wear them longer.....I just have to figure out that silly sewing machine! We'll see what kind of craziness happens with that!

As for me personally, I'm doing good. I'm trying to figure out what is going to be best for our lil fam this next year. Trying to figure in everything and talk with Scott, and hopefully within the next month or two we will know....that part is a lil stressful only because its so unknown and is a big deal. I think I am handling it all okay though. God has definitely granted me patience at the most needed times, and for that I am most grateful.

I work with Mikah verbally with spelling and small addition, and he's doing awesome with it. Now I just need to have him sit down and write it all out.

I'm thinking about making my own clothes soon. There is way too much crud out there where you would be pimping off some company that doesn't know that quality of a human being's life/lives. This way I can avoid that as well as get exactly the kind of cloths I want. If I get good then maybe I'll make the kids some cloths too! That really depends on how much the sewing machine likes me! Well, I best be off cleaning...doing housewife...at-home mommy stuff :) bye!

Long Over Due

It's been a little over two weeks since my last post......but oh well. I have wanted to post so many times, but rarely find the time. And the rare chances whe I do have my hands free, and a moment to sit down and do it, I just want to take a breath and relax.

Its been quite interesting around this house lately. A lot of stress build up, and big questions of the future coming months, as well as the present days. Mikah has us up in a twist, and I'm trying to reverse it. Kiara has been starting to cause some problems as well. And between the both of them screaming at each other and me, its hard to keep Asa asleep, so in mid-day he's nonstop crying and cranky as ever. I just want some peace in the house again.....I find myself exceptionally emotional at the oddest times, and just bawl my eyes out. Unfortunately that never helps.

I'm thinking about switching Asa to formula. It seems as though he eats constantly and formula tends to fill the babies up more than breast milk. I feel like a failure just saying that. I might just supplement formula here and there...not sure yet. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get Asa to eat less frequently I'm all ears. All I know is if I don't have to be feeding as many times as I am, then I would have more time to work with the other two kids. We'll see. I want to talk with my lactation consultant first and see what she has to say.

New Blog Home

This will be my new blogging home from now on. Thanks for listening.

A Breath Of Thoughts

Here lately I've found myself stressed and a little worn by the kids. Watching myself be the person I try not to be has really brought down my confidence in being at home with them. I get so overwhelmed at times, I never know what to do. All I know is that something needs to change. I'm not sure how yet, but I know prayer will be involved with trying to figure that one out, as well as trial and error. I just want to be a warm loving mom that my children also respect. I can't say I'm that mom right now, or even have been in the past.......but that's what I'm going to start working towards.

I worry how it'll be when school starts. My time feels so scrunched now. I know it'll all get figured out, its just I don't see that part yet...

tired

I'm tired and want to go to bed, but this baby won't stop moving around causing some pain, so I wait. I'm hoping that the pain i feel could turn into contractions, but we'll find out soon enough. My body is more than ready, but this baby is being very patient. I spoke to my father on the phone today and it disturbed me. He was pretty lit, and it just reminded of things of the past I have tried to forgive him for. I kind of pray about or at least have prayerful thoughts on it, and try to move on, but my weakness of letting satan keep reminding me about it all is kind of hard. I've always wondered what it would be like to have two parents. I remember shortly after I decided to follow Christ, it was weird calling Him father. I never knew the term before. At least not in a caring sense. A father to follow and let be my guide. A father to love and respect. A father to be happy to be around. I never got that with my own father. I don't have sorrow over this though. My mother was and still is awesome. She cared for us as well as took care of us. I still depend on our conversations together, just for support.well i'm gonna try to lay down and see what happens :) .

one piece

Well, still in one piece. Not willingly of course. It sucks cause I feel like a burden on my mom. She's afraid to leave, just in case I have the baby. She hasn't missed a grandchild's birth yet, and isn't too willing to start now. I know she misses her bed though, and wanted to get somethings done at home while she's on vacation. But if I had a button for this little guy's ejection seat, believe me I'd be pushing away :) ! Its been wonderful having her here, she's been helping out a lot, plus I got a ton of things done that probably wouldn't have ever been done without her. I love my mommy.

lil squirt

Still waiting on this little squirt to come and meet us. I've also got my little babes back, so that has defintely cheered me up. I missed them like crazy. I've never had them gone more than 5 days, so its defintely nice to have htem back. My mom is still here. I hope she stays until the baby comes, but that really depends on how long it will be. Please pray for my nephew. Gavin. He just had surgery to get his adenoids and tonsils removed and they also put tubes in his ears again. Ever since he's been pretty sick and hasn't gotten better. My sister is scared and not sure how to feel or what to think. Plus, she just started a new job, that she'll more than likely have to quit so she can care for him.

the deal

Here's the deal. I'm tired, I hurt everywhere, I miss my kids. My mom has been up this past week for the baby, and still no baby. My due date is Saturday...........this sucks. I'm so ready to never be pregnant again. I love babies, but these pregnancies are getting unbearable. I'm also very anxious to meet this little one. He can't replce the baby we lost, no one can, but he will still make a wonderful addition to our family. I hope its going to be soon. My back is breaking.