rested but tired...tired, but productive

wow.....scott let me nap for over 2 hours today (i was pretty much uselss anyways) and man tonight i have done more than i have in a long time after working. i cooked, did 4 loads of laundry...put them away even, did dishes and vaccumed the living room. on top of that i got to be a listener to a great friend going through a hard time. i normally can't do much...my body just gets so worn and burnt out, its normally a good night if i fix a good meal. sucks to say that but its true.

so i'm going to start doing prayer walks.....not sure where other than work yet, but that's a great start.its been hard with relationships there, and a bit discouraging. but god has a plan and i'm thrilled about him doing his awesome work around me. plus i know if i tried to step in his way i just fumble it and makes things go longer than necessary.

so while i was doing laundry a red velvet dress of kiwi's was in there without me realizing, and now i have pink socks and underwear.....got to get the tie-dye kit out for a fix-y-do. not a fan of pink, but i must say one of kiwi's white dresses came out looking prettier than before! whoops!

just breathing reality

I've been having a hard ime trying to blog lately. I've tried to put my thoughts out, but haven't brought myself totally comfortable with it....or at least what I tried to say.

Today I've found myself extremely selfish and even over reacting in my troubles. God has defintely opened my eyes and heart in prayer group tonight. I'm not saying my problems aren't in need of prayer or aren't anything to be concerned with, but tonight I prayed for a little boy Asa's age that is extremely ill. It broke my heart. It feels....heck I don't even know how to describe how this feels. I came into prayer tonight only troubled with my own problems, but after praying for the others, I realized my own aren't as big as they seem.

Here recently, while praying, God has granted me visions that seem so real. And after doing so I feel led to share with those involved. Sometimes they are very encouraging and filled with hope and joy, sometimes it sends out a message of warning..or shall I say awareness. I'm very thankful for this, but at the same time it seems so surreal to me. Its so new and so awesome, as well as visual. I guess my fear of them are that I might interpret them wrong or give a misleading message or something. I've prayed against this.

So tonight I have another one...it's more of a realization of our connection with people. I've felt as if our relationships through the internet-only are like a flower on a vine. God is the root and we are the center of the flower...where the pollen is. The pollen flows with the wind landing wherever it is meant to go. Where it lands the relationship is formed. Eventually new plants will form and the vine we are on grows into the others, but this vine is so strong it would take a lot of neglect for it to splinter off. Even with a splinter though, there is a connection. God isn't only the root though....He is everything that feeds us and wraps us together in nourishment. Then I get a view from afar, and there's an enormous field of flowers vining together. Takes my breath away.

I just want to tell all of you how much I appreciate you, I am hopeful for those we haven't met, that it will happen...and those we have, we'll meet again soon. Flow with the wind of God my friends. Peace be with you on your journeys.

Back

Since going to Indiana and back, I haven't been able to find much to blog about. A lot of things feel different, even though much hasn't changed since I've been back. I tell you one thing, it was hard going back to work after ten days off. In April, when we all go to Indiana, hopefully it'll be warmer. I ran into an ice storm on the way down. Luckily. I found a hotel before the rain even started, but man it took me at least an hour an a half getting the ice off, on top of that it was only like 1 degree outside not including the wind chill. The warmth of Texas was a great welcome home for me.

So I cut my hair, and Kiara asked us to cut hers the other day as short as mine. Wow, this is a big change just because she had super long hair. But she looks beautiful and like my little pixie princess. Asa's hair is gone as well..not so shabby and curly anymore. He look so boyish now, not like he didn't before, but this is more boy than before. It's cute. I promise I will have pictures soon, today or tomorrow. I suck at that because it always takes more time than I have to do it, and normally if I find time to get them on the computer, one of the kidlins freak out....that's life. Well, best get off for now...still jumbling on what to say.

Happy Birthday Scotty!

Wow this dude is getting OLD!!!!!!!!! Hee hee hee! Happy Birthday baby!

Happy Valentine's day!

Yes, indeed.....I would like to rename this day...."do what Jesus told you to do day" . But then the stores all around would crash and profits will plummit, and the greediness everyday of the consumer driven lives out there would get confused and ralley against me.....sorry...it just felt good to get it out and joke about it. (picture me laughing...thanks)

No, let's turn it around. I want to teach Mikah that today is the day when we are especially reminded that family & friends are easier to love than your enemies (unless of coarse you have enemies within your family...then it can get complicated). And this is a day where we can be reminded to try and reach out with compassion...even just in prayer if that's all you can swallow with your enemy.

Here's the passage for him today. It can be for you too.

If I were to make a request right now, I would say today, be thankful for your loved ones and let them know how you feel. Also I would say to try to name who has wronged you that you can't seem to forgive...that you can't let that grudge go for.... and pray your guts out until God has softened your heart enough to forgive that person, then try next to love that person. That's one tough nugget, huh? I know...I've been there.....and this enemy WAS family, but God doesn't want our hearts spoiled by all of this hate that the "Below The Pooh" satan throroughly enjoys for us to grip. He wants us to just jump backwards with closed eyes and open hearts into His love...where then we can truely learn to live. And THAT my friends just simply rocks!

A butt load of patience required!

And if you don't have it, just ask! Yeah, I haven't been very patient lately. My moods have been swinging the bat at at everyone in this house unfortunately. See, I'm the type of person that when I get in a cruddy mood, the very best thing is to just let me be and steer clear. I hate being this way, but if you approach me during this cruddy mood, I'll snap at you like a rabid beast. But when I'm left alone, this gives me time to see myself truely, and then ask God for the patience and the automatic mood stomper, and I will be better. But I can't unfortunately do this properly all of the time when I have three kids and a husband who loves me. I wish I was programmed with a ton of patience, so my moods won't shift as crazily as they do.

What is Successful to you?

One of the things Scott and I struggle with is the term "successful" . We are often confronted with the idea if we made more money or had a degree in something or owned a home, then we would be considered successful. Of course there are many other distractions that come into play, but I chose to name the biggens.

One of the things Scott and I are needing to remind ourselves is that we choose NOT to be successful in those terms right now. At this season of our lives we Choose not to go to school, or take up management jobs....and that's okay to us. I'm not saying it doesn't get hard every now and then, but we are always making it.

Now one thing I didn't mention back there and I should have....what makes you successful in the Kingdom? Now a lot of people may argue this, but this isn't a measurement to be seen by anyone but God above. This is all in the heart...your intentions, if you will. Yeah you may have led a million people to salvation and discipleship.....but it only matters of who you are doing it for. Are your good intentions to serve God, or to help you feel better about helping someone? Wow, did I really just say that??? Yes, I did. One awesome thing about serving God, is that feeling good about yourself does tend to follow. Unfortunately I have been caught in this turbelance/crash mode where my deeds were good, but my heart wasn't. Its not like we're trying to earn brownie points. What we say we wish to do is to serve God fully, but of course we are human and our mind tends to get in the way.

I'm not sure if this is a vent, rant, or getting on my soap box, but it needed to be said. I'm getting bored with the idea of success, and honestly I hope I am not alone.

Why not a management job?????? Because being a manager means you are living your life for work..been there done that.

Why no college now??? Because our kids came first and we don't feel the need to take our time away from them for a piece of paper, or more paper if you will (money) . This is our choice for this season for our family. Every family is different in their ways, and that's okay.

Thanks for listening.

Yeah, most of its gone

I cut my hair off....not my dreads out though. I decided a while ago that it was messing them up bad not being able to work with them, they were split in different directions and lose hairs were combining into others....anyways it was and still is a mess. I'm hoping to be able to maintain this mess, and turn it into something nice and tight.

Some people don't understand why I do this kind of thing..."just chop it all off, it'll grow back better" , moods. It sounds ridiculous, but its very sound to my mind. Its a big change, one that I can handle. I get sucked into little depressions, and stuff like this just helps. Can't explain it more than that. I will put up pictures soon.

yup.......

yeah, i think i know a couple of people who would LOVE this.

What's up God?

It's days like these when I find myself excited about not totally knowing what's going to happen....it's very rare too. I've been in some really great and fast building relationships with some ladies at work. It happened very sudden and very naturally which is awesome. They come to me in conversation and express their needs and talk out their troubles. We hang out when we can and just enjoy each other while at work and sometimes out of work.

Well, a couple of them have come to me about doing some kind of Bible study/reading/prayer time with them, and its about to start very soon. Some are believers, some are just curious. I have no idea what God has in store, but its going to be awesome and big. These girl come from very rough and unreal backgrounds, and it amazes me how well they function today with all they have been through and are going through.

What gets me is that I don't look at myself as a leader...not at all, but right now I'm put in this position, and it feels different. I feel totally unworthy to serve God, but I plan to give all I have. I just pray I can get my whole family involved in where ever He needs me. I'm really excited about this, but scared I'll screw it up. Your prayers are appreciated.

A New Day Hearing God's whisper over my loud mouth

So here lately I've been witholding a lot of anger and aggravation. In turn I've felt confused as to how to be a parent to Mikah, as well as a number of other things. So today, in the bath, soaking away the frustration of not being able to hear....I finally felt the need to just stop and breath....calm down and search, trust that God is there, holding me...even if I don't feel His presence...KNOW He's there. So I did. And I'm very glad I did. I let go of the anger and gave my confusion to God to handle. He gave me some clarity, and slowed my thinking. I'm glad too, because I almost made some hectic decisions that wouldn't have went the way I'd hope for them to.

So today is a new day and tomorrow will start afresh as well. For this I am thankful.

Sick, Asthmatic, Disobedient, Stressed, & Pnemonia

Yup, there's a word to describe the big little things going on with each member of our family. Technically we're all sick, but some more than others. Asa has pnemonia, Kiara has wheezing due to a newly learned asthma condition that hopefully won't return on a regular basis, Mikah is sick as well, but has been going through some crazy behavior issues that has the rest of the family worried, but he's getting better with a whole new system of discipline routines, Scott's stressed and worried about Mikah and the other sickos, and I've got the cold while trying to care for the whole fam, so I'm naturally stressed as well.

There's some light though.....our community has been soooooooooooo helpful during this time. While I had to take Asa to ER, some friends of our generously watched the other two. A day and a half later when we had to take Kiara to ER, other friends watched Asa and Mikah. Asa is doing better, he's back to his ornery self...still puny and grouchy, but he's not sleeping ALL DAY, which is fantastic. Kiara is okay, she had to go back to ER because of another flare up. She's been quite the trooper during this. I'm really hoping that after her cold has passed she won't have too many attacks. Luckily we've been told what to look for, frequencies of meds in emergencies cases, and all that. She's going to have a little backpack for her inhaler and spacer, but she can also put het favorie toys in there too. Call her Kiara The Explorer.

Mikah is also doing better, his cold is lightening up and he's listening better. He's been quite the battle lately, but it'll take some time to get back on track. Still doing great.

So there's that, and to me it all sounds loads easier to handle in written form. Luckily God has granted us an enormous amount of patience and great community to lean on. We'd be in pieces if it weren't so.

Big

I'm here with the feeling of needing to reach out to something. I'm still in the dark about the wait and I've got the feeling I'm to find out some information very soon. Everytime I get this gut feeling, something big happens. The last time I was sent a friend in a big need, and the time before that our family was sent here to Dallas, and before that, we moved to Indianapolis. Time will tell.

Sonic Here and There

i was on the computer ,looking at sonic picture's .cool huh ,and game's .sonic is cool a lot!!!!


mikah,

Rough times for a smoother path ahead

Sometimes you have to deal with the cruddiest of the crud to get to the good. This is what we are dealing with in Mikah. HE's been really easily stressed lately and has been hitting, kicking, and totally screaming at us. He keeps going and each time there's something different to calm him. In the beginning, Scott and I absolutely sucked at dealing with him. Our reactions made it much worse, and it got sour and easily crazed the rest of the day. Tension and stress was at an extreme high, and our family was fighting to not only get along with each other, but to love each other. We forgot that loving each other and showing it is a choice, not a feeling, that we must make and renew each day. Of course we still struggle with this, but it's better than it was. We are talking more instead of disciplining more. We are trying to find new ways of communicating our aggravations and frustrations and our anger.

It's hard being a mom and a wife, and its even harder when they seem as though they confilct with the other. Scott and I have found this problem coming up here and there, but what is so great about it is that we both realize it now, and are working together on being the best parents we can be to teach these kids how to become the best people they can be.

I would be lying if I said, that I don't wanna run away at times when the heat is on, but that's when I call on my friends from our community to just let me get it all out in open honesty.

Unfortunately today Kiara has been repeating the same things Mikah has been doing, but there's hope in Mikah and his sister. They are both relearning how to just stop and say they are sorry with guidance. I feel eventually this will come about without parental assistence. There's also very much hope in these kids because they have so much compassion for each other and people around them. Three kids can be very overwhelming.....very, and I'm not about to say ever that it is an easy job. It's worth it though. You just gotta take one day, one hour each minute at a time and do the best you can. I write this now as a reminder for myself. These are our little disciples....our own mission....to help grow these guys with the knowledge of God and His love.

Breakdancing at The Masquere Ball

Yup! That's my girl! She was totally breakdancing at the Masquere Ball last night at the Thames' . It was so awesome. She was grooving and twirling around all over the place like she owned it. She rocked the house. She was the only one dancing most of the time, reminds me of myself. SHe went as a princess.

Asa was quite the mingler. He'd wander from room to room being so good. Bonked his head a couple of times and got ran over twice, but all in all he was quite the trooper and had a great time. He was quite the dancer himself. He danced his tail off! He went as a sports fan.

Mikah went as a pteradactyl and showed it off very nicely. He danced with all of the girls too! He said he had a BLAST!

I was a hippie/gypsy Ezmerelda from Hunchback of Notre Dam. I put beads in my dreads..it looked supa nice.

There were a lot of teens there and it was really cool. Though that was the oldest I have EVER felt.....it was still good. A lot of great costumes and portraits, and great food and conversation.

An Open Moment

So last night when I posted I was still really upset and hadn't handed out the forgiveness I needed to. Well, after the forgiving process was done, I wanted to delete the post because I didn't want the post to recreate what had already been placed in the past. But the I read Danae's comment (thanks girl), and it reminded me of why I blog in all of my emotional states. I get it all out to reinsure everyone and myself that I'm not a candy-coated onion...especially not on my blog. I'm not going to put a pretty face on when my insides are cruddy. Why???? Because I will have a better walk with God if I am honest with myself and others. My every day will get better without anything dwelling and my family will also appreciate it better too. Peace to you.

Ranting Lunatic

Not in a swell mood. Yes, this is a rant, you may proceed at will.I feel like I just want to throw my hands up and walk away....but of course I don't. I will suck it up and keep trying to rearrange my mood to where it is enjoyable. And if I can't do that then I will just have to keep going anyways. Somedays I just don't want to care and run, but I do.....and that's that. I'm so glad we have a community that accepts us for us...our crappy life and crappy attitudes...even when we are at our most suckiest. Where we don't have to put smiles on our faces even when our insides feels like they've been torn to shreds.

Being a parent and wife is so hard right now, especially because I feel like the cruddiest parent and wife. I feel like I'm in a constant battle, and even though I want to just hide that battle, I refuse to. Absolutely refuse to. That's NOT the reason we came down here. We came down here to be exposed for ourselves and who we are, what we do, and to learn how to change where we need to and accept it even when its so friggin' hard to and then deal with it. We came here to LEARN. We are who we are, and act how we do, and God sees this. How can we hide that?????

Okay I'm done for now. Thanks for listening.

a quote from dumbledore

"One of these days the time will come when one must decide from what's right and what's easy"

What I'll be doing this year

Wow....2006 already. I have decided to do the 'read the bible in one year' . I had realized that I had NEVER read the whole bible. What a cruddy follower I feel like right now. So with this year I plan to discipline myself and read the whole bible this year. It'll be a great accomplishment and a learning experience as well.

I also realized I don't reach out to people the way I need to. This sucks....I wish I could say I'm doing everything I can for those in need that God places in my path, but that isn't the truth. I could be doing so much more. What really sucks about it is that it wouldn't take much more time out of my daily family living. At work, and around my neighborhood, I have been having random people at random times just opening up their hearts to me...their problems, worries, also the cruddy situations they have been through. All I have done is listened, and shortly after the conversation, do a silent prayer inside myself. But most of the time it has ended there. That feels not so good.

The other day I was praying, and it was the first in a couple of days. I was interrupted with a voice in my head saying, "welcome back, I missed you" I stopped praying for what I started to, and apologized to God for my slacking and laziness. I found myself continually asking for forgiveness and saying sorry. I was interrupted again, and this time He said, " I need you to do something for me" . I was excited and scared, but willing to hear. I waited and waited. The rest of the day, I found myself in meditation as I went throughout my day. It wasn't until the next day I was told to wait.

Now I wait, prayerfully and patiently. Now I keep my heart open, and my mouth shut. I don't ask about it. I only pray for others and my family's growth in patience, strength, my physical and mental well being. I feel this is my time for learning obedience on His terms.

This year will be interesting.