My Heart

Tonight I've struggled with so many things all at once. My biggest was forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an easy gift to give, but without being able to give it, out tear down apiece of you every single day you hold back to give it. I've had to learn to forgive a long time ago with my father. This was hard, one of the hardest things I have ever done, but after years of praying for him and for myself to be able to forgive him fully, I have seen the true beauty that God has put into my father. He was an alcoholic for years and there was never a piece of him that showed remorse for the damage that his actions caused my family. It was hard, with all of the lies and deception, but finally I was able to do it. God gave me a gift of seeing what He could do when I went to visit my dad this year. I found out when I was there that it had been more than two years since his last drink. Not only that but he was just a totally different person living in a community of love and family always supportive. These memories all came to me at once, and has helped me forgive the one I need to at this pressing time. Thanks be to God.

Another thing I've struggled with tonight is my schooling. I've been really sick this week with a chest cold and before it was migraines. My schoolwork is definitely starting to show the lack of participation I have because of these things. I question a lot of going to school because of it and that doesn't put me in a good place. I will keep pressing on though, and get through this semester, and pray that God will keep the doors open for when the next semester begins. Thanks be to God I have made it this far.

My heart has always been towards helping others since God has filled my heart, but I have always been confused and baffled of where to start. With so many problems in this world and so many people, its difficult to find the place where I fit in inside His plan. So what have I done? I have been scattered all over the place, building relationships, helping those around me, and once I find something else, I jump at it leaving the others. This is not what God planned, but this is what I have done trying to find my place. Doing something I strongly desire and being able to make a living at it, so I can actually stick with it. Henna parties, karaoke, my close friends God has gave me through relationship building, all of it got left behind for school. Yes, school is important, and I prayed about it a lot before I jumped into it, but my heart feels like it is being tugged at once again. Children with cancer, it's not something that can be overlooked because its too hard to bare. And here it is on my heart and I want to jump into it like crazy and bring beautiful smiles on these courageous children. I want to show them the angels that are with them, and bring hope once again to their families. I want to show my children how much love they can bring to others. I want to bring encouragement to the staff that goes to work everyday to take of these angels and show them how much they are appreciated. I want to celebrate everyday these kids battle with them. .....But is this where God wants me? Do I continue to go to school, and get my nursing degree and go into this field? Or do I take a leap of faith and just do it now? Degrees, extra money, financial security, throw that out the window. My question for God is how He wants me to do this. I never receive passions this strong for nothing, but I want to do this right. His way, not my way. Please pray for God to give me the guidance in this and for it to be so strong and knowing that I can't ignore it. Thank you.