What the....

I've been on a relentless struggle with God lately. I just keep going on and on inside and start this war inside my heart and then begin even more struggles. I'm frustrated, as well as aggravated about it all. I stand out, and i trust that He will deliver and then what I end up getting is a ball of confusion and I just don't know how to take that. Now I have been told that God never delivers confusion......I really am beginning to differ. The reason for is the way He speaks to me. It's like a puzzle that I have to figure out. There's a lesson in that and I am okay with that ONCE the lesson is learned, but damn it, sometimes I just want a straight forward answer.

We all sin and carry some with us for all of our lives. I sin. I hate it but then again i still do it. I hate where my thoughts go. I hate my discontent when I see His blessings all around me. I hate that I keep asking Him for more and more, and feel as though I do nothing in return. I just want to be a child of God who stands for Him and everything He believes in. But where are these lines. Where are they drawn out? The Bible. That can be a ball of confusion in itself.

I want to seek the adventure in God. I desire to thoroughly trust Him to take care of us more and more. I long for that trust that if I jump He will catch us. On top of that I want to go into it all knowing this is what He wants from us.....from me. Why all of this passion for nothing? Why all of this energy to just get restless. Why not give it when I need it and can actually DO it?

Many questions of my venting, I know, but I need to get it out. I need to let it out. I desire so much, but not for myself. I look at what it is that I want to do and I can't even figure out why in the world I would want to do such things other than this is God's calling for me. But is it? If it is why isn't it happening?

I'm seeking for my path, and not know where to find it. i know it's being laid before me, but there are so many factors in it where God needs to lay His wonderous hands in it. Maybe I'm just venting at the moment and tomorrow I will feel different, but here I am. Right now. I don't wish any discouragement on anyone, I just need others to know the place I am at the moment. Thank you for listening.