4 Years, Feels Like 8

Today Scott and I celebrated our 4th year anniversary of marriage. I must say it feels like 8 because we have known each other for that long. We have come through a lot more than we ever planned, let alone dreamed. So many memories, so many struggles, so many times where it was so hard to push on, yet with this has been soooooo many joys, and blessings and triumphs and growth, and movement. It's been a great evening with Trinity Hall, go karts, the batting cage, Blue Goose margaritas, and great conversation. Cheers to the 5th year!

Break My Back Smoothly

I feel worn, and wearily. My emotions are shot right now, and I just can keep going like this. I'm seeking something I can't find here.....I didn't know what it was before. I saught it in movies, songs, web blogs, emails, and only God knows what else. My heart is strained and my body is fed up, and I'm sure my kids are done with it. I'm throwing in the towel. I'm down on my knees and I'm finally where I need to be. Face to the floor, tears flowing, heart open. I hate it when this shoots you when you thought things were going good. Yet I love how God knows how to tear you down away from the world and lift you up in His arms. I'm in the tearing down process right now. Right now I look at myself. I'm an impatient mother that yells too much instead of listens and plays. I'm an angry person at anything and take it out on my husband and children. I yell, I'm unreasonable, I'm pathetic, a hippocrit, and just plain suck. I'm tired of my temper and my brokeness. I hate it when I realize I'm screwing up my kids.

I've been seeking something to lift my feelings up, to exercise my emotions, but I am finally realizing, God doesn't want my emotions to be exercised by the Glossy world.
I need it by servicing Him. By actually going through it and living. What sucks about this is there are somethings you just don't want to experience because it's painful and hard. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I mostly wanted to let you all know I'm taking a break. I'm hoping to be able to occupy my time where it's really needed.

There's Something In Something!

Man, everyone is pregnant....this is pretty cool. Well, not everyone, but a lot of people are, or just had a baby. It's so awesome to watch, even through the web, God just sprouting his children left and right. And what's even more exciting is these children are in homes where He is at the center. Very neat stuff.

Well, Wednesday is a day to celebrate. 4 years (feels like 8) of marriage. Wow...that's pretty cool. It's so amazing what we as a couple have been through, and even more amazing what we as a family have been through. It's good to look back and see God's hands in situations where it seemed hopeless....yet here we are.

I went to the worship ending of the Tribal Awakening last night....I almost didn't go. My depression was sinking me and other things as well. But a friend talked me into going, and so I went with the older kids. It was just what I needed. To just lay all this crap down and let it go. Somethings still seem clingy, but even for that moment of time. I felt free. I crave this freedom for a permanent rest area.

Emotional=Hopeful=Refreshed

I'm not too sure what I'm going to say or how, but all day long I've been feeling the need to post about something......so here we go: SOMETHING

I'm feeling a tad bit emotionally tired. I felt this way BEFORE I decided to watch some chic flick movies. Those actually really helped me let it all out. I hate crying, I always have. It makes me feel like a really horrible person, or stupid, or weak. I honestly don't really remember how this got imprinted into me, but it is. One thing I realize is that I bottle things up when I should just let it go. I'm actually better at this than I use to be, but there's still a lot of work to be done. I don't hold in anger....that's one thing..the first thing I've learned to release. But sometimes it's that deep sadness from the absolute unknown that grips me. It's frustrating, though, especially when you don't want to feel like that. When you just want that feeling of joy. The movies really helped me though. I was able to just relax and enjoy them, but also appreciate the kind of stories they told. Those stories that just pierce you and make you really think about the kind of person you are, and the kind you want to be. I'm not talking like: I want to be a superstar. I'm talking about having more patience, being kind and patient even when you just don't feel like it, and keeping your nerve when its time to do the right thing.

I desire and will always desire to become a better person. I'm thankful there's always room for improvement.

Yes, I'm writing while I'm in an emotional state, and yes I'm talking about it. Some may not like it or think it's right, but there are those who may read it and finally feel that sensation that they are not alone, and get some sense of comfort in just knowing that. But dear reader please know this, it's normally after I write this and release it, that it's gone from me, and I am refreshed. I pray it'll be the same for you after you are done reading.

Waking Up

At the moment I'm waiting to go to the store, but it's almost 6 am and nothing opens until 6...so just dawdling. Everyone's asleep, I feel really tired, so I wish I was too. But then again I JUST woke up :)

It's so amazing to me what people go through in thier lives. I have heard so many 'Oh, man I hope that's not true" kind of life stories that unfortunately are true. Breaks my heart.

I guess that' where I'm at right now. Just trying to be very thankful for what I do have and for what I have experienced.

What a night

Okay, so I'm not sure exactly what order, but it all happened. Poor Mikah has been on the potty for 4 1/2 hours tonight....STRAIGHT. Why??? He felt like he just really needed to pee. Pain????Nope no pain. Pressure??? Nope no pressure. Burning sensation??? Nope, no burning. Well, I asked a med student that has done a lot of pediatrics, and ER nurse who has had almost 20 years of experience, and anyone else who crosses my path. No one has a clue. The man just felt a strong urge to pee for 4 1/2 hours, yet only able to pee in little amounts. This all is very rare, and pretty much unheard of. Wow I feel as though I have said that recently.....yes I have...with Kiara with the mumps being fully vaccinated! Also while I was struggling to take care of Mikah, Asa decides to be the biggest pill ever. He's throwing toddler tantrums left and right, while I was on the phone, he got ahold of the vaseline (bad mommy, you think after two other kids I would LEARN to nail vaseline to the wall!) All over the futon, all over him. I actually had little vaseline hand prints on my futon cover! On top of that Kiara has been NEEDING to play on the computer with games she constantly needs help with. She really fails to realize the true meaning of NEED.....next Kiwi lesson...hmmm. Also while I was on the phone with someone else trying to get some cranberry in the house for Mikah, Asa throws one of his tantrums on the couch, which consists of throwing his whole body back behind him and in the process busting his head open on the hard wooden arm of the futon...no blood thankfully, but a big head ache for the little man. Oy. Oh yeah , my little princess... is ALWAYS hunger/thirsty , so she decides that everytime that Asa is screaming, and Mikah needs me that she is hungry/thirsty. So that was the bad.

Yay, it's over! Mikah right now is feeling much better, the other two are calmed down, and I'm about to crash into bed while entrusting my wonderful hubby to take care of the rugrats. Or at least I hope ;) Though tonight was hard, I'm very happy Mikah is feeling better.

Wowza

I'm in a bit of a shock....let's just say that I'm glad God understands me and my actions way more than I do. As well as enough to counteract my actions before they become final decisions....Yes...God is good.

Breathing one breath at a time

The past couple of days have just felt overwhelming to me. Hormonal, yes, but there's definitely a struggle going on that I'm not clear on what and why. I feel like I'm on the edge, not sure if I need to jump, stand, or turn back and retrace my steps. Boy, do I crave for some of God's fullfillment. 

Work has been going really good. Though there are times when I'm just not sure if I'm doing a good job or not, but I think that's mostly my fears trying to pearce through. Somedays its really hard to talk with my boss, yet others, it seems like that's so easy.

If you desire to pray, pray for peace inside me. I'm at a loss of the feeling of ease. I feel as though I have been on the go for awhile....this may be my own doing, but a lot of the things I'm doing is important......so whatcha gonna do?

Untitled

I've put up some new pictures on Flickr. They're not organized, some, well most are older. Still you gotta check it out.

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Spaz, freak, bitch, horrible mother, disgusting wife, apathetic daughter, slacker, ignorant, not worthy of God, hippacrit.........

These are some of the things the enemy is trying to convince me that I am right now. And I'm struggling a tad with it being so heavy. But this is beautiful.....why??? Because I am ONLY struggling a tad. I am able to recognize these lies for what they are, and haven't wasted much time in the resistance. I use to just sink totally into it, and granted there will be days again like that, but today is beautiful, because during this time, I just crave God and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I am promised freedom from this oppression, and He will deliver.

I think all I need right now is energy...

This was my first almost full week (july 4th, no worky) and its tiring trying to adjust to that, and then come home and work on the house.....Oh yeah, I have needy kids too....hmmmm.

I want you to look at the above picture. I drew this the night of our 24 hour Prayer session. I was just drawing, and I ended up drawing this. Not with sad upset thoughts, but of overwhelming joy. So overwhelming that the tears have to flow, in order for the whole emotion for Christ and His mercy and grace can shine thoroughly. I drew this before I realized who I was drawing. On the way home from Austin I learned who this person was.....it was me. That trip to Austin changed a lot about my view of the God I follow, and it changed it for the better. I always desired to follow a God who still reveals His power today, a God that is quirky, and gets your attention.

I recently watched End of the Spear. My heart just totally opened up, and poured out. Tears were flowing. This is such a powerful movie. I can't find the words to express the emotions I went through watching this movie. I was told people have said this is the best movie they will never watch again......for myself, I disagree. I'm actually watching it again tonight.

Good night, and may God shine through you to those around you, may it be your children, or strangers.

some pics

My family is so cute!

Hearing God's voice in the little things

I was just watching Asa play with this light tube that has a string on the end for necklace purposes. He had both ends of the string, one in each hand, and the middle was wrapped around the chair. He kept pulling on both ends, and couldn't seem to get it unwrapped. He refused to let go of either end, yet he was getting so frustrated with not being able to free it. He finally decided to just let go of both ends. It fell onto the floor, he sat back in the chair, sighed, then smiled. He was free. All it took for him to let go of his own control.

Does this remind you of something? We want things the way we want them, yet we soooo desire to be free. God wants us to let go of that control freak inside, that desire to have to have things our way, to just let it go, and allow God's freedom to surround us lovingly.

He was frustrated, he was determined, he was despaerate, he let go. It didn't happen the way he wanted it to, but in the end it was the best way it ever could have happened.

My baby is the hairless wonder...pics coming soon.

Isn't he cute?

today....it happened, is happening, and wish it would

This is about the third time I have tried to blog today. I would start to write earlier , but my heart wasn't in the place that I wanted to write about. I was struggling with my mood swings, but I was mostly strugling with my surroundings. We're too cluttered here, too much stuff that doesn't have a place. It felt as though it were consuming us and our space.This is going to be my project this month. Make some shelves, buy some containers.....get this mess organized for good. Also go through everything we own, and weigh the importance of keeping it. This has to happen, and I really believe it will. Yet I still wonder if that is what was really wrong....hmmm.

On a much brighter note, the craft show I did yesterday was a great success with my henna. I did henna tattoos for a charge, offered up my skirts, wrap pants, shirt and purses I had sewn up, my candle votives, and crosses. My friend was selling her beaded jewelry. I made a decent amount. I was actually shocked. It was fun though, I haven't had much of a chance to hang out with my frinds forever and to have two days in a week where we hung out for long hours at a time, that was sooooo worth sitting in the heat. I missed my girls :)

On the kid/pain in the bum note, Mikah cut my hair as I was typing earlier, and while I was doing dishes, Asa snagged the container of rice and walked throughout the living room and dining room unnoticed, spreading rice everywhere while he munched on it. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. These kids need either some kind of device that prevents them from doing such things. Like say Mikah goes to hit his sister, but his hand isn't able to get but an inch or two from her....yeah that would be awesome. Dreams can be nice ;)

This is where its at, yo

Below is info about where the craft show is. My booth will be number 40....I'm not sure if you can tell, but we'll find out. I'm excited, yet tired. It'll be a lot of fun. Come on by and get a henna tattoo!

July 1-2 & 4, 2006 - FESTIVAL - Garland: Star Spangled 4th. Let us capture your imagination, wow you with the spectacle, and create memories for a lifetime. Welcome to Garland's award-winning Star Spangled 4th celebration, a five-day extravaganza in historical downtown Garland featuring music, food, crafts, and non-stop entertainment for all ages. Don't miss our spectacular evening parade, exciting midway, arts and crafts, auto show, motorcycle show, and more. Nightly choreographed fireworks and laser and light shows. Fun exhibits and attractions. Cost: Free admission and parking. Location: Historic Downtown Garland. www.starspangledfourth.com