Persevering Journey

Greenage in the sky, holes in my minds

2009-01-04T23:55:00.003-05:00

My mind is going yet again. This time if I were to put it in quick words it would be: Vertical greenhousing, poverty and how I could have an affect on it, living in community and what that means, how I can better live in community intentionally, what can I do to cause a stir in my children's minds, how can I make art a huge part of my life, how can I live without chemicals going into my body and still be mentally healthy/stable...... and I'm just getting started.

Yeah, it's never easy inside my head. Well. we are back from our trip to Indiana and it was wonderful. We visited our family and got to spend much needed time with all of them. Scotty's sister, who has been sick for a long time now with many different health issues, has recently went through a whipple procedure that rerouted her digestive system after removing a part of her pancreas. She has been suffering with pancreatitis for almost two years now. Everything she eats gets tossed back out before it can be digested and on top of that malnutrition, she's been in some excrutiating pain. When we last saw her, she was very pale, and swollen. She was in the hospital and just miserable. This time when we saw her it was like looking at a whole other person. She had lost a lot of weight due to the lack of nutrition, but also she seemed emotionally better. Her pain is down more now than it has been in many years, and she's not throwing up as much as she has been this past year. She has a feeding tube that provide her body with food, but the nutritional absorbtion is no where near what it could be if her body could handle the digesting of the foods properly.

I do ask you all to be praying for her recovery of this and to keep moving strong on God's path.

While I was up in South Dakota this year I learned a great deal about solar energy and vertical greenhousing. AMAZING stuff. They are now building greenhouses where the plants are inside these sheets of plastic or something that hang vertically. They are rotated throughout and the sun shines right on through. With this you get organic plants and food without having to prep land and wait years for it to become organically certified land. On top of that you use a watering system that gets recycled with a pond on the lowest level where the fish live and reproduce and in turn they clear the water of any acids or gases that would normally prevent the water to be properly reused. To energize such a system they put solar panels all around to help cut the costs. For one acre of vertical greenhousing it is equal to 30 acres of horizontal land farming. HUGE. On top of that you can provide food cheaper, no need for pestisides or huge farming equipment, gas to run it. And if it were on rooftops, no land to buy, just renting/buying of the space.

And then learning this, I headed down here in Dallas. Right now I'm currently going to school full time to become a nurse or diagnostic sonographer. Why do I not yet know what I want to go for? Mostly it is due to the fact that I am a dreamer. I dream of many ways that God can have my family living radically in ways most people couldn't even imagine possible. Most of the time I don't even see how it could be possible, but I still go ahead and dream of the many different aspects of how God views the possibiliies of our lives. It's not all about me, ya know. I love the medical fields. I can grasp it and understand it. My mother is a nurse, and it all just seemed to make sense to me. There would always be a job for me, I would be in the care of people and with people. It was a great way for me to reach out to people that also had a financial security.

Don't get me wrong, I love the medical field. I just wish I knew what I really want to be when I grow up....if I grow up.

On top of the vertical greenhousing coming back up into my mind, I've been finding myself in a bunch of different conversations about people who are homeless, and poverty, and how if more people cared there would not even be poverty. I watched a part of an interview of Shane Claireborn about what he has learned about poverty and working and building towards a solution and getting people involved. What would it look like if I dedicated my life to such a cause. How huge of a difference would I be able to make? None really without God backing me every step of the way. But I believe in a God that has endless possibilities and I believe that I am anything He makes me to be.

I guess one thing I always struggle with when I go on these tangents is how can I do that while being mother and wife? Is this what I am built for? Do I have the guts to attempt this let alone try those shoes on? What if we could all just gather together, unite the church as a whole and build to solve the hunger, solve it without killing our planet anymore, and in turn possibly make this planet better than it was before? If we were mto incorporate verticale greehousing in many, many places, we could replace the deadened farm lands into a home for trees and other plants.

Another ordeal crossing the mind of insanity is how would our house look if we did this community living on a more intentional scale. If we got more organized in our doing and following God more. If we focused more on bringing God to the center of it all and keeping Him there. Praying more, spending time together more, relating more. Also what kind of boundaries do we need to set up? How can we provide a strong community with each other that is shared amongst those we are constantly around? Digging into Scotty's library soon and will be having many discussions with the adults in the house.

I guess I need to get some sleep. I hope to finish this blog too, but like my others it may not happen totally. Blessings upon you.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-27T16:24:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's thankgiving already. Wowzers. Well, this means this semester is almost finished and I will have a fabulous break off of school. I am really excited about this. Breathing space is about to come.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

drop me

2008-11-03T22:39:00.003-05:00

I am so behind on my homework. Losing control of that peaceful part in your body where you don't freak out and just want to scream, at anyone, everyone. Just because, not that they are doing anything wrong, but when your emotional control is wrong then everything is wrong. Whether it was a smile or a laugh, it has to stop. It just needs to stop, even if just for that one second of clarity. Don't forget to breath, slowly. Repeat, I am okay over and over until maybe one day I will believe it. I know it sounds like I'm losing my mind, and maybe I am.

I am, currently in a house that lives, moves, is turned upside down constantly. But ever since I have had children, this has always been true. Nothing different. Just take my family times three minus two and you have our house.

Well back to brain crunching. Finish the paper I just can't finish, finish my math work that seems never-ending, then study for the test, then prepare for the other test I feel so far from being prepared for..... I haven't even thought about it yet. One step, the first step counts the most,,, just keep swimming , swimming, swimming. What do we do, we swim, swim.

Losing things like days...minds.....

2008-11-01T22:14:00.002-05:00

Emotional, offset, crazy, flighty, forgetful, space-case, over-whelmed, under-whelmed........is there ever a time to just whelm it all around?

Hello, my name is Heather and I suffer from anxiety& depression. Wow, it doesn't sound so crapped up when you type it out. Huh, maybe that's why at support meetings you introduce yourself not only to other people and what you are going through but also to yourself. I know that idea may cross others, as queer, strange and odd, but maybe you just have to step outside yourself to get to know who you are. what makes you what defines the inner uniquity that makes you you.

Here lately I have felt like I have been losing my mind, having memory loss episodes that throw me straight into chaos. Before this happened I would wake up in the middle of the night with an anxiety/panic attack. Or I would just be sitting there, most of the time that means Studying, calm and what not and my heart will just start pumping, adrenaline is surging and I feel like I'm freaking out and I DON'T know why. NOT COOL.

I've been in and out of the doctor's office twice the past couple of weeks, trying to get a grip. The first med change turned me into a zombie and I have yet to wait for this next med change to take action. I know a lot of people are anti-meds, but honestly, without the Lexapro I have been on, my life would still be an extreme up down and back to hell again broken roller coaster ride that never ended.

Now I'm just taking a break, just to put my random thoughts of weirdness down. Is it entertaining for you? It does good for me....

I am biased, but my kids are too frikkin cute. Asa is talking like a madman and has a personality out of no where. He feels the urge to be stronger than everone because he's use to being the youngest one who couldn't keep up.

Kiara is the quirky little princess of mine who tries to be prissy with a baby-talk accent. She let her daddy take out a tooth today, that's her second gap right now, and she's got three others that want to come out, so she will soon be the toothlessth wonder. She's still my power prayer warrior.

Mikah, he's just funny. He makes up scenarios in his head like a comic strip. He's creative, and super sensitive. God's tugging at him, I see resistence here and there, but that natural love for God is growing inside him. I look at him and just get that feeling that greatness awaits just around the corner. Not sure what, who or how, but just something.

My sweet husband. Always working harder and harder to be that daddy he knew he could be and in my eyes, he done passed it. He's been so patient with me during this emotional time, and I have been able to lean on him and just trust him to care for me when I cannot do it for myself. When I see how much better we both are in our marriage I just want to praise God. We all need work, this is a journey after all, but day in and day out I'm so grateful that he is my life partner in crime.

We looked at a house today, it was awesome. Keep praying for everything to go and grow in God's way, not our's. Good night.

Blessings

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2008-10-27T22:13:00.003-05:00

My brain is tired, my body feels exhausted and yet again I have a paper due tomorrow I am getting stuck on over and over again. Grrrrrrrrrr. So here I am writing about something else in hopes that my brain and I will begin to work together once again.

My oldest son Mikah always as something to make me think and feel I am so not ready to have him grow up yet, and at that same moment I'm excited and hopeful about the man he will become. Of course I feel the same way about the other two, but he's older and I see more maturity in him than the other two for obvious reasons.

When I study, I go and hide in our big family bedroom. He comes back there to grab something or whatnot, then comes over to me and hugs me and says he's proud I study so hard, gives me an almost tearful smile then walks out of the room. This he has done in scrambled ways many times. Makes me all fuzzy inside.

There is a little 2 year old girl and a 3 month old girl living with us as well. There was a time when the 2 year old was not able to get out of her crib yet, because the adult had said no. Apparently when the adult came in to get her 15 minutes later, she found Mikah sitting there reading to the 2 year old. And on top of that he is the only one who can get her to repeat anything (which we have found that Mikah can be a jokster at this) The 3 month old, he just melts over, anything that can make her smile, he is so willing to go the extra mile to do it. THAT GUY JUST ROCK!

Kiara has been my little singer. She's just in love with singer and asks me to sing to her every night before bed. The night of church, I saw her drummin on someone's guitar case, singing "There's a Stirring" (thx Kristen,luv ya) which is one of Kiwi's favorite songs.

Well, my brain is finally allowing me to do something called an essay so I best jump off here and take advantage. Blessings everyone!

Yes this is personal, but why hide God's Love

2008-10-27T22:07:00.002-05:00

Danae, the only thing I can tell you is that living with our pastors and in community has been the one true thing that has helped us. Scott and I lost each other long ago and were just barely surviving each day. Eventually when I was right about to take the final step of making an end of our marriage, God threw truth in my face and showed me where I needed to be by showing me where the best place for the ones I hold so dear are-my children whom I just happened to let Scott take when I told him I gave up.

I had to see the sins I had and that it wasn't all Scott. Yes he had his part too, but honestly when I came back, I had a great friend that God spoke through to me and how she didn't even recognize me anymore. Yeah it hurt and burned hearing it, but hey sometimes love hurts and sometimes when we as people need change in someone so bad, we normally have to begin the change with ourselves. I don't know what you are going through recently, but all I know is that I'm praying for you. I have never forgotten you in my prayers.I will email sometime son and we can do our prayers and whatnots then. Love you girl.....sorry if blogging this was weird, but I felt that this was something a lot of people didn't know.

My brain is moving and it won't stop

2008-10-23T09:55:00.003-04:00

So lately I have been suffering from these anxiety/panic attacks. They just come out of no where and all of a sudden I feel like I just want to scream. My heart starts pounding and I just feel out of control. I saw my doctor about it and she put me on something that I can take that calms me down. I'm half and half when it comes to pharmaceuticals. A big part of me wants to go herbal and homeopathic all the way, but then the other part of me is just so desperate to get these issues fix, no more testing the waters. Anyways I'm going to continue to work with my doctor and also find out if there are any herbal remedies I can also mix in for my issues.

On other issues, I will be calling to set up some appointments to check out these two townhomes that are side by side for our possible future community house. Any prayers on the would be fantabulous. Other than all that, I'm studying my guts out, Scott and I are doing very good, and the kids rock, yes sometimes they rock the houseboat in not a good way, but hey they are just kids, can't change that :)

Blessings

Here I am

2008-10-21T15:02:00.002-04:00

So it has been told to me in nicer words I need to get off my lazy ass and start blogging again. Here I am!
What's been going on with Heather: I have been going to school full-time at El Centro College. I am aiming for nursing or ultrasound technician. Right now I am taking college english, almost college math(haven't a clue on tech term) and human anatomy and physiology. Pretty cool and definitely keeps me busy.

What the Miller's are doing. We are going through an exciting healing process and becoming the family God intended for us to be more and more. Yes there are days where I just want to kick Scott in his butt, but most of the time I restrain myself and use words. I am always telling my kids to use their words, its time I listen.

Right now we are living with the Poe's........on purpose even. Both of our families have thought and prayed hard about it and we all feel its for long term, not sure how long, but that's God's deal not our's. More than a month ago the Mattingly family of five moved in as well. Its been a backa dn forth transition, but adapting to that many people inside one 3 bedroom house can be. Luckily before Scott and the kids arrive the back garage had been changed into a sleeping quarters for the Miller crew.

We are currently homeschooling the Piller (Poe & Miller) kids, which has been fun and adventurest and challenging at times. I don't get to help much because I normally take that time to study. Also we are currently looking for a six bedroom house with at least 2-3 baths in a location that we can still have church and many members/friends do not have to travel. I really feel God has this place already picked out but right now we just have to obey him and learn to listen to His heart so we can find it. Please pray for this to happen in God's timing. With the financial horror all over the world, we are continuously trying to just look at God's economy.

Specific Prayers just from me are:
-5-6 bedrooms with at least an extra room
-2-3 bathrooms
-a lot of parking area for church
-a big (hopefully fenced in) backyard for the kids to play and gardening
-Big living room for community living
-specific place for dining table to stay put, making it easier for community meals during church and during everyday life
-home school room
-needs to be safe to live in, no infestations,mold,about to fall apart

Wow that looks like a lot when you write it out, but right now all I can do is pray and the more who do, that would rock.

Thanks for your prayers and I will try to blog when I can.

Blessings

Boycotting Election Yet again

2008-10-21T14:48:00.002-04:00

I do have to be honest, I was going to vote this year. WAS. I argued with myself constantly about why I should vote. They say our voice counts...wtf ever. Our voice only would count if they counted EACH vote, instead of this electoral college crud.

Let me tell you why I was going to vote. At first it only struck my interest because my english teacher is passing out bonus points for voters....I know I am sooooooooooo pathetic. Then I realized how pathetic it was for me to only vote because of bonus points.

Then I figured, well maybe its time for me to just vote and at least be able to say there I voted, but it didn't make a difference anyways because the state I live in.

So anyways I go back and forth over all of the crap and when I finally realize my chance for registering might be at an end, I looked online and it was. So much for that.

Last time I blogged about this, some person with an opinion like myself pretty much told me I had no right to complain about who became president and all of that hoopla. In my OPINION to those people, they can shovel it because with the mess Bush 1 and Bush 2 drugged this country with it'll take not only a saint, but a magician to lift this country up, and I don't believe any politician in that matter can do that. In the end it will take an uproar of people, much protest and a rise of the people to claim this country back from the government.

We also need to stop killing our brothers and sisters over in these other countries and just bring them home already and let our other brothers and sisters be at peace not worrying about whether or not one of our explosives are going to kill their children.

Overall, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my opinion, take, leave, or burn it.

Life in Community

2008-08-27T10:08:00.002-04:00

Wow, major jumps from where my last post left off. I'm a slacker in my moments and blogging definitely got left behind for awhile. For those who don't know, I am now in Dallas living with my family in community with the Poes. It's been really good and humbling at points. Just a short tidbit on what happened and why we are here...... Our family was covered and covering sins, not addressing them, and just smiling on the outside while we were screaming on the inside. We were in a cycle that could only be broken by God, and when we went up to South Dakota, the truth hit and it hit harder than ever. Shocked, scared and feeling majorly lost I almost broke a marriage that is meant to last forever.
Scott and the kids had went to Indiana for a little while until our church helped them come back home to Dallas. There the major transformation had begun. They all went through some extreme changes where God just carried their hearts closer to Him and Scotty and the kids had one on one councel and discipleship by living with the pastors of our church.
I however was still covered and digging deeper holes than ever. I had came down to Dallas to visit, and God had put on a friend's heart to confront me, and boy did she. She did it the way it needed to be. Upfront, honest, passionate, loving, yet also convicting in such a way I would understand the extreme need for change. I didn't only need to change, I needed to be transformed from the inside like a clean sweep.
I went back to Dallas struggling, back and forth about what I should do and how I should do it. Just up and leave my father's company, that seemed so difficult and humbling because he expected me to be there. I cancel the bid on our house, and began to sell a lot of my things so I could get back. But I was still wanting to find many ways to hesitate and stall the move that would freak out my father. One day I was ironing, which is freaky cause I never iron, and as I was clearing away the wrinkles in my clothes God spoke to me through the process. He helped me see and feel that He wanted to do the same with me. He wanted to iron my the wrinkles. Also I felt Him saying that the sooner I get back, the sooner I can expect transformation.
When I got back I struggled in my new skin, the healing process isn't an easy one with many wounds.-------to be continued.......

In South Dakota

2008-03-22T20:26:00.002-04:00

Here we are in South Dakota, Sioux Falls to be exact. We are buying house here, and this Monday I will be beginning my job with a big company my dad is helping to head up. It is a company really diving into eco-energy in the coolest ways. Here soon I will be heading up the charity division of the company. I'm so thrilled about this part of it. I'll will be pretty much building this from the ground up. I will be able to explain better later once things get going.

One really awesome this is that a friend I have made while I was in Dallas will be moving up here shortly. It's going to be awesome. Her and her girls will come and stay with us until they get on their feet here. Just a fresh new start. And our loving father definitely knows she needs it. All the prayers would be awesome. If anyone is inte4rested in helping her move items to a storage space and help her pack up, let me know.

I also got in touch with a good friend of mine. This past 1.5 years her daughter has been going through a rough time with her manic depression and bi-polar disorder. She has been so tired in her heart because of her experience through her daughter's wellness. Please pray that she would seek God during this time and allow Him to love her.

The kids will start school here on Tuesday. I'm excited for them. They both love school so much, this will definitely be a nice change. So far they have been having so much fun just playing with my nephew and seeing family.

We did get to see some family in Indiana. It was really nice. Got to hang out with the grandparents and then with the great grandparents, then with my aunts and cousins as well as my mother.

Also in between there I went to Dallas for St. Patrick's Day weekend and did some henna at the Tipperary Inn. It was fun, had some really awesome and random conversations. It really appeared that God had me there for listening, and opening my life and heart. I had a lot of people just come up and share their problems of what's all been going on with their lives and some even seeking God but resisting because of all the turmoil.

The days after that I went friend hopping and visited quite a few friends. It was awesome to see everyone again.

Well so much more to come, but must come another day. Take care all and many blessings shined.

My Heart

2007-10-23T23:00:00.000-04:00

Tonight I've struggled with so many things all at once. My biggest was forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an easy gift to give, but without being able to give it, out tear down apiece of you every single day you hold back to give it. I've had to learn to forgive a long time ago with my father. This was hard, one of the hardest things I have ever done, but after years of praying for him and for myself to be able to forgive him fully, I have seen the true beauty that God has put into my father. He was an alcoholic for years and there was never a piece of him that showed remorse for the damage that his actions caused my family. It was hard, with all of the lies and deception, but finally I was able to do it. God gave me a gift of seeing what He could do when I went to visit my dad this year. I found out when I was there that it had been more than two years since his last drink. Not only that but he was just a totally different person living in a community of love and family always supportive. These memories all came to me at once, and has helped me forgive the one I need to at this pressing time. Thanks be to God.

Another thing I've struggled with tonight is my schooling. I've been really sick this week with a chest cold and before it was migraines. My schoolwork is definitely starting to show the lack of participation I have because of these things. I question a lot of going to school because of it and that doesn't put me in a good place. I will keep pressing on though, and get through this semester, and pray that God will keep the doors open for when the next semester begins. Thanks be to God I have made it this far.

My heart has always been towards helping others since God has filled my heart, but I have always been confused and baffled of where to start. With so many problems in this world and so many people, its difficult to find the place where I fit in inside His plan. So what have I done? I have been scattered all over the place, building relationships, helping those around me, and once I find something else, I jump at it leaving the others. This is not what God planned, but this is what I have done trying to find my place. Doing something I strongly desire and being able to make a living at it, so I can actually stick with it. Henna parties, karaoke, my close friends God has gave me through relationship building, all of it got left behind for school. Yes, school is important, and I prayed about it a lot before I jumped into it, but my heart feels like it is being tugged at once again. Children with cancer, it's not something that can be overlooked because its too hard to bare. And here it is on my heart and I want to jump into it like crazy and bring beautiful smiles on these courageous children. I want to show them the angels that are with them, and bring hope once again to their families. I want to show my children how much love they can bring to others. I want to bring encouragement to the staff that goes to work everyday to take of these angels and show them how much they are appreciated. I want to celebrate everyday these kids battle with them. .....But is this where God wants me? Do I continue to go to school, and get my nursing degree and go into this field? Or do I take a leap of faith and just do it now? Degrees, extra money, financial security, throw that out the window. My question for God is how He wants me to do this. I never receive passions this strong for nothing, but I want to do this right. His way, not my way. Please pray for God to give me the guidance in this and for it to be so strong and knowing that I can't ignore it. Thank you.

Yup, more and more prayers.....THANKS!

2007-07-06T18:14:00.000-04:00

So many things and yet again so little time to talk about it. Here's a quick summary of what has all happened in the past couple of weeks and what is soon to come:

Past:

My friend's grandmother who was nearing death so fast, got her leg amputated and will get to go home soon. Please pray for a great home nurse and the capabilities of her family to care for her.
My friend who has been in severe need of a car is getting one in a little bit. Still some things to get sorted, but things are happening in that direction.
I've been having henna parties at my house where ladies will come and get some henna for a decent price. This helps out when funds are low. Please pray that this will keep going good and get better.
I went out to Garland, TX the saturday before July 4th, with a henna booth. It was going so good then the rains came, and ruined mine and my partners items. Everything was soaked and many things had to be thrown away and we are still in the works of replacing it. Plus after the rains we got sent home due to more storms, and we all ended up losing money.

5. Mikah has a guitar and is slowly but surely trying to learn it. He's easily discouraged, so please pray for encouragement & discipline.

Looking Forward to:

July 14th, Spiritual Retreat.....just praying and reading the bible, and listening/ pray for clarity, refreshment, and my friend and I to have a total God experience
Building Dallas Henna business......not sure if this will happen sooner or later , please pray for clarity on this
School, I start college in August. I will be taking some pre-requisite classes to prepare for nursing school in a year or so. Pray for discipine, patience, clarity, open mind/heart, for my family, babysitting
Job promotion at my job.....this will come soon, not sure when, but it will happen if I'm there for this next year. Pray for encouragement and discipline.
Kid go back to school in August. Please pray that we will be able to figure out what school, where, how, yada yada yada
Helping my friend build relationships in her neighborhood

That's just off the top of my head. I'm sure there is more, but here's some prayer concerns I have:

My husband grandfather isn't doing well at all. He is a great man and a great servant of Christ. Please pray for a painless journey home, care and wisdom for those left behind, and that Scott and the family will be able to make it there when it is our time to be there.
My friend's family, they have broken up, but are slowly getting back to some kind of connection that is somewhat healthy, pray for this family to learn forgiveness, and use it for good, pray for redemption and the son of God to be poured on their hearts
Pray for me and my medication to continue to work for my anxiety and depression
Pray for Mikah and fill him with compassion and mercy and for him to be able to communicate what bothers him
Pray for Kiara and that she will be strong when she just wants to crumble away, but also allow her heart to be kept full of the love and sweetness she has for others
Pray for Asa that he learns well and becomes disciplined, and a bit more steady.
Pray that our family will be binded together in the holiness of God and that we will be and example of His love together
And just pray for each other and all of those around you.

yo-yo

2007-06-04T23:32:00.000-04:00

I'm not quite sure how I feel at the moment. The past couple of weeks have been momentous, and just go, go, go. There's a lot of good things happening and bad things, but hey that's life, and that's why I am here, for the good and the bad, just as long as I'm on God's path...I'm good.

I'm learning a lot more on how to just trust God and allow Him to wow you. I also know that it's always at the last minute, but hey that's okay too.

I am very tired at the moment, but I mostly wanted to jump up here and ask you all to keep praying for energy for me, as well as organization in my life a tad bit. Thanks, I'll write more soon.

Prayer Update

2007-05-15T22:32:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for praying. I'm writing again for prayer updates. Honestly I don't do well at writing these kinds of things, but there's just so much going on I need more prayer and support.

Yesterday I took my friend to go get her sister from her mother's because her mother hasn't been taking care of her due to her own addictions. There are so many issues with this particular situation, and it's really hard to go into all of it right now. We need clothing pants/shorts size 18-20, and 1x-2x shirts for her sister. All of her clothing that she does have has holes all over them, and even those we were unable to get because we didn't want to have any confrontations at her mother's home. There are difficult times coming up considering legal issues and all of that, but we are very soon to battle for my friend's custody of her sister who is mute/deaf/mentally handicapped. Please pray that this will happen and if any money is needed God will provide graciously. Time has passed to be patient with her mother to sober up and take care of her. We must take care of her first and foremost.

Another karaoke update: I went last night and there were so many people that I haven't seen in awhile, I got to reconnect with them. There was this one guy in particular that when I first met him, he was in this "If there is a God, He really hates me." mindset. Over the time I have spent with him he has held onto that very tightly. Well, last night was different. I had a hard time last night , because of everything going on with my friend so I talked with him about some of it, and the first thing he said about it was, "Thank God you were there for her!" and mentioned something about it was too easy of a coincidence to be a coincidence. This is where in my mind's eye I saw God laughing at my amazement!

Also I gathered up more names for a henna party. Pray for a babysitter....and the money for one, because there is at least 25 people for a henna party and we will have many of their kids needing to be cared for during this time. By the way, the number 25 is only the adults! Tomorrow I will be setting the date in stone and contacting all those who are interested in coming. Pray for a great response and turnout! Most of these ladies I have only met once, and am hoping some of them will be around a tad bit more.

More things needed for prayer: Mikah and Kiara's schooling next year. My heart is leaning against public school next year. I've been fighting it, but then a friend came to me and confirmed what God is nudging at. I have no idea what will become of it all, but please pray for clarity, understanding, capability, and enjoyment in whatever better way God has for us. Right now I look back and Mikah isn't being challenged academically enough, neither is Kiara. Also The kids are coming home miserable more days than happy.

I will be spending this summer doing workshops for our kids in the community to keep up on what they have learned, but also on challenging where they want to be challenged. For toddlers Asa's age, I'll be teaching ABC's 1-2-3s, and a lot of vocalizing and speech. Kiara's age group will begin to learn how to read and do more with math, but the biggest focus will be the reading. Mikah's age will learn more cursive, get awesome at multiplication/division, and perfect at subtracting/addition/fractions, as well as some science/art projects here and there. What I need for this is art supplies, paper, books easy and hard, dry erase markers, finger paint, and simple things like paper plates, brown lunch paper bags, straws, cotton balls, and glue. I'm sure there's more, but that's just off the top of my head. Also if there is anyone who wants to volunteer their time let me know. I should have a schedule set up by June 15th.

I also need some serious prayers for my sister-in-law. She has been so sick with pancreatitis among her other health problems. She can't eat anything without getting sick, not even a sip of water. She's going so anemic, they had to give her blood transfusions. She's is constant severe pain, they have to give her extremely heavy amounts of pain meds to keep her somewhat okay. And just here recently she's just been so frustrated with always being admitted into the hospital and not being able to live a normal life, she signed herself out of the hospital against medical advice. She's so out of it, and frustrated, and sick, please pray for her health all around.

Lastly, I need prayers for our financial area. Both of our cars need work. Especially my husband's, the brakes are in yucky shape. Also, here lately I have been needing to drive around a lot to help my friend, and go places. Gas prices keep rising and I know my friend doesn't have any money to help with that. Also I've been driving a lot at work and for karaoke. So those are the situations as of now. I am sorry to keep emailing you all, but with so much going on I really need some heavy prayers going everywhere. Thank you so much. Please keep praying and I'll definitely keep you all updated.

Happy mommy's day

2007-05-14T16:51:00.000-04:00

“When God created mothers”
by: Erma Bombeck

When the good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of overtime when the angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”
And the Lord said, “Have you read the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; Have 180 movable parts....all replaceable; Run on black coffee and leftovers; Have a lap that disappears when she stands up; A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; And six pairs of hands.”
The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands? No way.”
“It’s not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord. “It’s the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have.”
“That’s on a standard model?” asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, ‘What are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t, but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, ‘I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”
“Lord,” said the angel, touching His sleeve gently, “come to bed. Tomorrow--”
“I can’t,” said the Lord. “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine-year-old to stand under a shower.”
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.
“But tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “You can not imagine what this mother can do or endure.”
“Can it think?”
“Not only think, but it can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.
Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model.”
“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”
“What’s it for?”
“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.”
“You are a genius,” said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. “I didn’t put it there.”

Wowza

2007-05-13T22:12:00.000-04:00

There has been quite a lot going on here recently. I've been learning very quickly that when you throw a lot of worried prayers of pleading Him to reveal Himself in the areas you feel called to, He sometimes gives it all to you at once.

It has been awhile since my last henna party and I've been sad because of it, but just too tired and busy. Well recently I've been busy meeting people and setting up at least 4 different groups of ladies who what to come to one of my henna parties. I've been being a part of some art shows and have met many different kinds of great people for networking. That's been a lot of fun.

Also soon I'm going to do some craft fairs this summer to raise some money, and am hoping to do it with a group of friends I met from my last job. And at the picnics for my kids' last days at school I am coming in to do face painting with the kids, get phone numbers from some parents and have some get togethers over the summer to keep in touch.

Also my best friend has moved very close to us, so I am able to see her and help her much more than ever before. She use to live 20 minutes from us and now she is only 4 minutes away. This is such an answered prayer in so many ways. God has His eyes on this family in a very serious God pouring His grace, love, and mercifuless ways. Because I'm now able to see her more, I am also seeing a bunch of her other family members as well. I've been actually considered as part of the family. It is so strange how much they have been changing around me and, before her family just wasn't sure about me and my motives. But now they invite me to every event they have. God has so much more to reveal to them, I can't wait for Him to open their hearts up to Him.

My friend, who I met working at Michael's, is already reaching for God in so many ways. Her heart just hungers for Him and community, and it's helping me crave more of that hunger. Like a team.

Karaoke: This can be a long one, so please bear with me. One night as I was on my way to karaoke, I found myself frustrated about going to karaoke. I'm totally okay with going, but this has been every week for quite a while, and there for a while, it seemed like the crowd was changing and I lost touch of certain people.

Well, so I pretty much asked God if He was wanted me to keep going to the karaoke bar, then I needed Him to reveal to me what He sees and why I need to go so often, as well as some encouragement about it all. Well that very night a girl I've talked with many times just totally opened up to me, and I was able to be there for her in a rough time. The same night this guy who normally comes in with his wife, and so I went up to him and asked him where she was, and he told me about how she's been having a really rough time with her health and she can't really go anywhere.

Then just this last time my awesome friend and I were able to save at least one or more lives, by giving a guy a ride home when he was not okay at all to drive, but was going to anyways.

And just last night we were able to surprise our karaoke dj at another job on his birthday. He was really surprised it was awesome.

Also I've been making friends at my husband's work. I've been babysitting one of their kids, another one I just had a heart to heart conversation with about her son's sickness, and was able to I'm hoping open a door for God to jump into. Friends with some of his customers....just meeting so many people.

Today, I drove a friend's grandmother who is soon to pass away on a long ride to Abilene to say goodbye to her son. This has been one of the most difficult days for me. Its just so sad, but today God gave me a peace about it. I will soon be praying with her grandmother, and my friend.

Scott and I have also been trying to reconnect with some of our old friends in high school. It's always weird looking back at where you came from, but it's always refreshing when God drops His comfort and encouragement into it. There's much more I'm sure, but I'm really exhausted right now.

I really want to ask for prayer for energy and some good quality time with my family ( which should begin soon with school break :) ) , and just for strength for our own family to love each other more and more as we reach out to others together as a family. Thank you for all of your prayers and support.

Heather Miller

Yo, hello, fellow peeps!

2007-05-05T00:05:00.000-04:00

Wow, all three kids are asleep, it's Friday night, PARTY!!!!! Yeah okay, maybe a beer or two, but tonight I'm working. On what you might ask? I get to be a part of Bride of the Cape. It's gonna have almost a hundred artists/cartoonists and they expect around 5000 people to come to this. I'm excited I was able to get in with the fabulous people from Art Love Magic to do my henna....God knows I need the money and I am more than willing to do this kind of thing for money because I enjoy, it's creative, I get to hang out with people and network/make relationships, oh yeah did I mention I get to do this for money??? I'm really thrilled. My henna thing is just growing and growing with my big umph behind it, I hope to take it far. Even if I only do it one or two weekends out of the month, this is rockin.

Okay guys, back to work for me :) Things work out smoothly the more you prep for it.

There without being there

2007-04-20T21:58:00.000-04:00

I am not okay. Actually I am far from being okay. There are so many tragedies happening with members of my family and I can't be there with them. I've never been in this situation before that I couldn't be there. I was always there. But God has called us here, and I sometimes see why, but this is the most difficult thing I am struggling with. Not being able to be there. My heart is breaking for them all, and I know I may not be the best person for them to be around, but that is how I feel I am helping.

There has got to be a better way for me to reach out to my family, but I don't know how other than listening over the phone and pray. And cry.

My sister-in-law is in some really bad shape. Never-ending pain, always in the hospital, she's not doing well at all. On top of that she's dealing with some extreme things that I can't go into. Please pray for her healing, physical and emotional.

I'm in shock, and in extreme emotional pain, I'm sorry but I have no more words to express what I need to say.

Thank you for praying.

Down

2007-04-17T21:28:00.000-04:00

I just found out yesterday morning that my 10 yr. old cousin past away. She's had seizures since she was a baby, and they were surprised she lived this long. My heart is torn apart by this. Really bad. I didn't know her, and I'm very sad that I didn't. I wish I could get up there for the funeral but right now my car and Scott's car really shouldn't take a trip like this without being fixed first. We don't have the money to fix the cars or make the trip. I'm just really trying to trust in God to find me a way up there to South Dakota. I know my family would understand if I can't go, but I feel I really need to be there for my family I've neglected to be in contact with for so many years. If I were to drive up there I would need to leave tomorrow. I know God would provide the funds and way if I need to be up there. I also know that he would mend my torn heart if I can't go. Just please pray, I feel a bit hopeless right now in my ability to go. I'm filled with so much regret. Thanks for listening.

ART, LOVE, MAGIC---YEAH BABY!

2007-04-14T21:48:00.000-04:00

Oh yes, the time has come! Please come and support me and many other artists! I will be doing henna all night long and enjoying great conversations with many people. YOU HAVE TO CHECK THIS OUT! I went last time in February and it was SPECTACULAR! Bring your friends! Bring strangers! Contact me if you have any questions.

Answered Prayers

2007-04-04T17:43:00.000-04:00

Praise God Almighty! Thank you all for your prayers! My friend received just the amount she needed to get her newly rented place! I want to thank EVERYONE involved in making this happen! When I told her she started crying, and was in disbelief. Her husband gave me a big grateful hug today, with watery eyes. This whole time, everytime I was around her, she was worrying about what was going to happen, and all I would tell her was that it'll all work out at the last minute, just keep praying for it.

And here we are handing her a check the day it needs to be turned in! I LOVE how God's grace works. What's so amazing is not only that this will really touch this family, but their WHOLE family and their friends. You know how God works. I feel so blessed to know them and be be on the sidelines to this.

A Prayer Request

2007-03-30T22:57:00.000-04:00

Hey guys, I'm blogging because I need some prayer for a family. They are pretty much being kicked out of their apartment, because the owners just realized they could make more money in that area, so they raised the rent almost $250.00 a month. My friend just had a baby, and she also has a 3 year old, and her husband works like crazy in overtime to bring in what he can. They were approved for a home, which is actually very close to ours, but they are out $1400.00. What I want prayers for is that if they are to move there, then God will provide the money. If not then I pray that they will be able to find something else very soon and come up with the money then as well. I personally pray they will be closer so I can help out better, but maybe that is selfish, cause she's like my adopted sister. My friend's name is Mary, her husband is Mike. And just because it's already set up and I know God works in various ways, if it is on your heart to donate, then please go to my web page and go to the donation button through paypal. Thank you for all of your prayers and also please pray that Mary's family will truly become to know and love the Jesus we know. Thank you.

What the....

2007-03-29T23:17:00.000-04:00

I've been on a relentless struggle with God lately. I just keep going on and on inside and start this war inside my heart and then begin even more struggles. I'm frustrated, as well as aggravated about it all. I stand out, and i trust that He will deliver and then what I end up getting is a ball of confusion and I just don't know how to take that. Now I have been told that God never delivers confusion......I really am beginning to differ. The reason for is the way He speaks to me. It's like a puzzle that I have to figure out. There's a lesson in that and I am okay with that ONCE the lesson is learned, but damn it, sometimes I just want a straight forward answer.

We all sin and carry some with us for all of our lives. I sin. I hate it but then again i still do it. I hate where my thoughts go. I hate my discontent when I see His blessings all around me. I hate that I keep asking Him for more and more, and feel as though I do nothing in return. I just want to be a child of God who stands for Him and everything He believes in. But where are these lines. Where are they drawn out? The Bible. That can be a ball of confusion in itself.

I want to seek the adventure in God. I desire to thoroughly trust Him to take care of us more and more. I long for that trust that if I jump He will catch us. On top of that I want to go into it all knowing this is what He wants from us.....from me. Why all of this passion for nothing? Why all of this energy to just get restless. Why not give it when I need it and can actually DO it?

Many questions of my venting, I know, but I need to get it out. I need to let it out. I desire so much, but not for myself. I look at what it is that I want to do and I can't even figure out why in the world I would want to do such things other than this is God's calling for me. But is it? If it is why isn't it happening?

I'm seeking for my path, and not know where to find it. i know it's being laid before me, but there are so many factors in it where God needs to lay His wonderous hands in it. Maybe I'm just venting at the moment and tomorrow I will feel different, but here I am. Right now. I don't wish any discouragement on anyone, I just need others to know the place I am at the moment. Thank you for listening.

My Two Weeks Worth

2007-03-22T13:36:00.000-04:00

Wow, the last couple of weeks have been slammed with me. I'm exhausted, and yet it looks like events will keep coming. So let's start with what happened first, shall we?

All of my kids, one right after the other got sick with the flu. I had to stay home from work for almost a whole week to take care of them. Then Scott got sick. After a week of puny kids, I had to rush plan a baby shower for my wonderful friend Mary. I was nervous, and tense, but I was finally able to chill out and enjoy it. It went so good, she only needed to get a couple of things afterwards, and she was able to get those with the gift card given to her! God defintely showered her. She gave away all of her baby stuff, so she needed this. Plus she had a lot of fun. It was good. And that night she came to church and shared a big part of her story with us, or at least her recent story. She's been coming to church whenever she can, which isn't often, and to see her able to open up like that was awesome.

Next was the kids' spring break, which I am so dang proud of Scott for being awesome durin that whole time. Three kids all day long is hard when you aren't use to it! Because of spring break, my kids got to go with me to karaoke night! It was awesome, they had fun, but they said the place was too loud. I guess when they can't hear their own screaming, its no fun....oooooookay! They did have fun though. I painted their faces, Kiara made a friend, and I ended up painting her face too! Kiara sang twinkle twinkle little star, Mikah sang You spin me right round, and I sang Sweet child of mine to them. It was fun and tiring. I was glad they wanted to go home early :)

Also during the whole week of spring break, Mikah had to conduct a science experiement. We didn't do anything fancy, but it was still very neat. We put a variety of plant and veggies in food coloring and water for 3 days to watch where the water goes into the plant. He thought it was awesome.

Let's see, what else......oh yeah, we did a henna party at Tipperary Inn on St. Paddy's Day. That was awesome. Granted there were many extremely odd people there, but what else are to expect in that enviroment? My friend Jenny from church is going to St. Augustine's in April for a year. I'm normally broke, so I decided to give her all of the profit from the henna party. It was cool though. I got exactly what I wanted, to hang out at God's market place, He provided the people, I brought henna and conversation. I got to hang out all day with a variety of people, do art/henna on people, and enjoy the party as well. I praise God for it all, and am glad that He had His hands in it.

So the Sunday after the henna party, I watched my friend's child while she went to the hospital. Her grandmother, who raised her, is in the hospital, and it doesn't look good. So I did what I do naturally for others: I prayed my guts out. I prayed for God's will as well as for Him to be patient on calling her home. My friend was schedule for her labor induction the following day. On top of that her family will be on her shoulders when her grandmother passes, not to forget about the devastation it will be for my friend. God is good, and is still being patient!

The next day I took my friend to the hospital for preparation of the induction. The baby's heart rate kept beating high, and had the nurses on edge. After a while of not coming down, the nurses called the doctor in and they were discussing a c-section. She didn't want to do this for many reasons, but would if it meant the well being. Luckily she didn't have to go through one, but the next showed she probably should have.

Everything was going good, my friend had her epideral, the contractions were felt, but tolerable. She dialated fast to a ten, and was pushing. And pushing. And pushing. The head started to deliver, but something was wrwong. You could tell it in the doctor's voice. She kept trying to pull the baby out, but was unable. She started to sound panicky, and yelled for someone to go get another doctor and fast. She kept trying to pull her out, while the nurse was pushing very hard on my friend's stomach. Finally another doctor came in and was able to get the baby out from being stuck.

The doctor rushed the baby to the nurse and the other doctor, but it seemed to be in slow motion when you saw how limp she was, and especially when you could tell she was not breathing. My friend and her husband were panicked and inshock. They wanted answers immediately. Nothing I said calmed them down until I told them that when I came here to the hospital I brought angels with me, and because of those angels her and her baby were going to be safe. Immediately my friend started to do calming breaths, and in seconds the baby started to cry. It was the most beautiful sound. It was as if you felt God's smile down on this family. He shined His sweet light down on them, just for that moment of belief that they were in God's hands.

My friend's baby was a wopping 11pounds 9.8 ounces, 22 inches long. What had happened was her doctor was just measuring her fundus, and not doing an ultrasound. The baby was only measuring at 8lbs. Her body was too big, pretty much, for a natural birth. Her shoulders got stuck. She may have some problems for most of her life, because during the delivery her muscles in her shoulder was stretched beyond where they should have been. She's able to move her hands, but not that arm. But one really awesome thing about babies, is that they can rise up from any problem, especially when they have their own angels.

2007-03-08T23:41:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not doing too good on my Lent season and my goals. Not too good at all. My heart just doesn't seem to be in it right now, I guess. Whether it be selfish reasons or just mixed up in my heart, I don' t know exactly. I can't even tell you where I am in my walk. I feel I just took a vacation or something. One issue that has definitely been throwing me off are my dreams. I'm finding myself too overwhelmed by them and then just too busy to work them out.

My wonderful friend had taught me how to go through my dreams and see how God is speaking through them to me, but it's just so difficult at times to even bring up some of these dreams. It seems like each one I've been having is just so much, before I even go through it.

Expression of Faith from North Umbria Community

2007-02-25T22:11:00.000-05:00

Expressions of faith

Lord, You have always given
bread for the coming day;
and though I am poor,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
peace for the coming day;
and though of anxious heart,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
me safe in trials;
and now, tried as I am,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
this darkness of mine;
and though the night is here,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
when time was ripe;
and though you be silent now,
today I believe.

My first day of Lent

2007-02-22T22:39:00.000-05:00

So I decided due to many circumstances that today would be the beginning of my 40 days into beginning good habits and kicking bad habits. To stop smoking and to stop arguing with God, and to write a prayer in my journal every night, to pray with Mikah and read with him the bible for 15 minutes a day. Wow, that seems like a lot, but over the next couple of days I'm going to begin one extra thing. Tomorrow is Mikah and his Lent, and the time and heart he desires to dedicate to God. He understood that many people gave things up for God.

His first choice was the Playstation 2. Then he changed his mind because it would be hard and he didn't want to fail God. I told him he wouldn't by doing that, but either way what he chose was just some random thing, and it should take some prayer before he made his choice of how he could make room for God in his life. We both talked and decided that we, together, would read out of the bible everyday and pray during this time. I'm thrilled to be a witness to my son's first Lent season. I really feel we both will learn a lot from each other.

Today I went smoke free, even when my boss didn't. Yes I was moody, but I feel that was a combination of the day, I'm sick, my job has gotten pretty full, and many other things that has entered into my life crazily. Hey, if anyone wants to sponsor me a goal, and do something special for me when I reach it that would be cool.

Right now my throat is very swollen and I can't swollow very well. I can't talk very good either. yucky.

Lent

2007-02-20T22:30:00.000-05:00

So tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and the first day of Lent. I must be honest I have been dreading this for quite some time now. The two things I feel god has asked me to give up are both extremely difficult, but also good things to give up. It's going to be extremely challenging and yet uplifting. So now I need to find something good to fill in these gaps. Hopefully this will make the transition somewhat easier.

Much heaviness on my heart, any prayers would be wonderful. Thanks.

Interesting......

2007-02-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

So I went to the karaoke bar last Monday. I didn't really feel up to it, from being sick, but it happened in a way I needed to go. This is how it went down: Scott normally has been the main babysitter for karaoke night. His choice, to avoid babysitting and what not. Well, it happened that he had to work, so I was pretty much out of a babysitter. I was kind of bummed, but still okay with not going. Then I felt an urge to go.....okay, so I decided to pray that if I needed to go someone would offer to watch the kids, but I wouldn't seek just because of how I felt. So about35 minutes after I prayed that, my friend asks me about if I had a babysitter before we hung up. Okay... so of course I was honest and said no, and she said she would ask her husband if he felt up to it.

He was up to it, so I guess I was going to the karaoke bar. I was thinking about leaving early, just because I was tired and wasn't able to sing as much. I didn't have much of an idea of what I was going to sing anyways, so I let the karaoke guy pick it out for me. He chose Alicia Keys for what I was planning for my last song before I left. After I was done, these two ladies from the bar came up to me and was asking me non-stop about my singing....if I do it professionally or took lessons, or do anything outside of karaoke. I was honest, I said no, all I do is karaoke due to my children. They both were taken aback and asked if I would be interested, if I would ever consider singing for a live band in a club or something......YEAH! We exchanged contact info, and talked some more.

So we will see what the wind blows in.You never know what God has in store. And when it comes to a big decision like that I only want what he has in mind. So we'll see, I'll let you know.

blah blah blah...hee hee

2007-02-01T21:11:00.000-05:00

I didn't end up having the prayer night. I needed to be with a friend that was going through some hard times and by the time I got home, I hit the couch and was gone. I spent hours on the place, actually spent all day preparing it. I spent about seven days to plan it. And three hours to kind of clean it up. And I was totally okay with that. I am so grateful for her friendship and trust in me to call me when she needs me to. She's one of my best friends and I met her through working at Michael's .

It was good to hear someone's thoughts about how the place looked though. It was transformed into a sanctuary. Everything was clean, it was quiet, candles and incense, prayer stations. It was awesome. What's even more awesome is that it'll be easy to set up again because I kept all of it organized in a folder, so that the major things to do would be to clean.

So Kristen Rudd jumped at my mind the other day when I found out my picture was in this month's Advocate. How I wish she would have been the one to take my picture. I mis that woman.

I met this 13 year old girl at karaoke the other night. It was a lot of fun to hang out with her. She reminded me of me, at least the good side of me when I was in high school. I hope to see her soon, we had a lot in common and just had a lot of good fun. She was extremely grateful to have someone to hang out with because her mom is dating the karaoke guy and she normally gets bored.

Night of Prayer

2007-01-24T18:21:00.000-05:00

Saturday we are having another prayer session. It's called God's Whispers in the Night. It will begin at 7pm and end at 10am the next morning. Last time I did a 24 hour time of non-stop prayer. This time I'm not called to go that long, but to experience the night and silence....that was the most precious time last time. Any prayers you want us to pray email me at kiwijasmyn(at)yahoo(dot)com .

hey

2007-01-11T20:56:00.000-05:00

Things have been going good around here. Nothing too crazy. Not really much to talk about. I just felt it was time to blog.

I've been writing my own songs lately. That has been a lot of fun. I'm hoping to write a new song every week, or at least begin to write one. I want to write about so many things in my songs, but am struggling to find some inspiration. I want my music to have God in the center even if the song isn't about God. So far all my songs are though. There are two that I really like so far. they are coming along very well. I've been feeling really led lately that God wants me to use my voice for Him. Not only for karaoke. So here I am, singing away. I need to find someone who can help me train my voice to its full potential. I want to also get something to record my voice so I can hear it in another way. Maybe Scott could use his audio program to make my music background ;) (hint hint)

We will see what comes forward. I have a feeling it'll be fun.

Our Glorious Texan Christmas

2006-12-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

I'm a slacker, I know, but hey at least here I am blogging again. I definitely want to share our Christmas with everyone. It was soooo good. It was just the Miller Fam. We had let the kids open up they're presents shortly after their break from school started so that they would have exciting new things to keep them busy. Well, Christmas Eve, after the kids were in bed, Scotty set up all of their toys in the living room, so that when they woke up it looked like a big toyland. It was awesome.

We ate tacos for supper....I know, I know, but hey it was fabulous for us! Scott's a veggie guy, and the kids are just picky....this was the one meal ALL of us really enjoyed. It really was the best meal for us. We did this for Christmas and Thanksgiving last year. This is just how we do it :)

We played video games with the kids, sang Christmas hymns and carols. We also had our very first fire in our fire place! This was perfect! I've wanted this for awhile now.

Scott and I sat by the fireplace with Asa and just talked for awhile...it was really nice.

Lastly, I need to tell you about my Christmas present from God. Seriously. Okay, I went outside for a little bit and looked up at the sky to only see two stars and the moon. I got really bummed and just said aloud, "Oh, God I just want to see the stars" This is one of the biggest things I hate about Dallas. I love Dallas, but dang it, I can't function well without stars.

I came back inside and went out again later, and there just above our house and the neighbors' was a big opening in the sky and a bunch of stars shining through! I also got to see Orion, my favorite constellation! This was a huge treat for me. I was so excited I went inside and told Scott he needed to come out and see my present from God. What's so amazing about this is that ever since I have lived here I have never seen many stars in the sky. Maybe some scattered few and far between, but not like this. Back in Indiana, they were everywhere. It always gave me that big wonderous awe feeling with God. i just feel close to Him in that feeling.

The only bummer in our holiday was that Asa was running a really high temp of 104 for two days and I couldn't break his temp, so I had to take him into ER for some antibiotics and allergy medicine. Found out he had a start of an infection and asthma. He's better now...or at least getting there.

Oh yeah, my power tools and easel rock!

What's up

2006-12-19T16:56:00.000-05:00

Wow this really isn't my season for blogging that's for sure. No offense, I've just been busy getting back into the groove of things at work and home. Computer time is limited due to it all.

A lot of good things have happened, seemingly little, yet huge. The kids are on Christmas break right now. It's really a nice change to only have to get myself up in the morning and get ready with no rush. It's also really nice to be able to come straight home after work instead of waiting on the kids to get out for 30 minutes, then take them home after speaking with their teachers and so on.

My medicine is doing very well. It's working in the ways I need it to, which is very good. I don't have any side effect really other than just feeling a tad bit tired all the time, but it's really nothing much.

I went to karaoke last night. It was really fun. I got some extremely encouraging feedback from many people....I needed that. For awhile there I was really questioning my ability to sing. Yes of course I need work, but it's good to know I don't have to start from the very beginning. I finally met some people there I've been trying to meet for awhile. I got to catch up with other people that go there regularly. It was all very awesome and good for me. I'm kind of sad that next Monday is Christmas and there won't be karaoke. I'll have to aim for another night at another place.

I now own power tools! I own a drill, rotary tool, and a power saw. I'm frigging excited about that! My mom couldn't have been happier that I asked for power tools for Christmas. She's so funny.

Well, not much else on my mind to say. Laters!

Tomorrow is for work

2006-12-03T15:05:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I go back to work. Yes I actually still have a job. My boss rocks! I hope to be on track and get things done the same if not better than when I left.

I started on an anti-depressant/anxiety medication three days ago. I won't know much about it helping for maybe another week, but it may take longer. So we will see how it goes. I've been feeling sketchy and really tired lately, but yesterday and today I have been out of bed (where I've been the past week) and cleaning house and rummaging through kid clothes, and trying to figure out how we can't help get our stuff to not be clutter. I feel a solution is underway. Any ideas or tips of organizing would be wonderful...I suck at this.

Okay, I think I am off to watch a movie while I label my coverless VHS tapes.....yes we still own these, and actually continue to buy them due to incredible pricing.

home

2006-11-27T18:10:00.000-05:00

I arrived late Friday night here at home. I've been gone for three weeks almost. It's good to be home. It's going to take time to get adjusted and change some things, but that's okay. If it were a quick fix I don't think we would learn much from it. I'm going to go see a doctor about anti-depressants soon. This is a confusing issue for me, but I hope it won't be after I get more information. Since I've been home I've been going through an exhausting down period. I don't like it. I want to be able to tolerate the little things and be rational for the big ones. We'll see where it goes and what will happen. I need something, my body is obviously not equipped to handle my swings. I have tried taking SAM-e for awhile. It helped at first, but not anymore. Time to move onto something else.

By the way, just for the record.....I drove 16 hours, in one day, with three kids by myself...SUPER MOM!

So many thoughts, not enough brain space

2006-11-18T00:22:00.000-05:00

I've been extremely neglectful of my blog lately.....purposefully, though. I've wanted to blog, but not so sure as to how to blog : truthfully, freely, responsibly.

I'm here currently in Indiana at my mother's home with the kids. I've been here going close to two weeks now. I've been on quite a journey since I have been here. The first couple of days were meant for no thinking about anything I was taking a break from. I did this somewhat successfully. Then I went into Spastic mode of not knowing which direction to go, what I wanted, and then it hit me......maybe I should just stop trying to figure that out and just find myself once again. I've lost a part of myself I may never be able to get back. I'm not sure how it happened, it just did. I was easily losing myself and things I enjoyed and appreciated about myself. In it's place I have found a deep strong fear. Fear of many things such as my singing, my art, my sewing, myself as a person (mother, wife, friend......) It was a hole sucking the very life out of me....sucking out the hope of any light being shed upon our struggling family. That fear is what is killing my spirit.

To be broken is a lot of things, but one thing it isn't is painless. During this time of no light seen and no hope felt, I decided to push myself to really seek the true face of God and His view on my life. I was tired of getting no where with my view...
Let's face it running in circles gets you faster to insanity than anything when it comes to your emotions. Through God's grace I have been able to build that hope up inside me, that passion I use to have, but also through God's grace and mercy, I was able to mend a long lost friendship together once again. A friendship I had turned my back on because of fear. It's amazing how long this gap was, yet how easily once given an opportunity, how God could build a bridge and send healing. I aim to come home next week. I hope to be ready to be strong and sincere, and loving.

Kid's Fall Fest

2006-11-03T23:05:00.000-05:00

This night was a lot of fun. I got to paint all over other people's kids, while other children read stories and sang songs. Great food, great people. I unfortunately missed a lot of the stories/songs, but it was still a good time. Saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time...very good stuff. It's good to see their faces. Some live in San Fran, and some live here in Dallas, but our schedules clash very often. I hope to spend more time with them tomorrow.

So I'm singing a song tomorrow.....I'm excited, but am convinced I'll suck. We'll see. I pray God will give me the voice and rhythm if this will be inspiring to anyone at all.

I think that is all I can dig up for now. My camera is working once again. Pictures soon to come to my flickr page.

Not much Time...But Must Blog

2006-10-27T21:54:00.000-04:00

So it has been awhile since my last blog.....bad Heather!

Sorry I've been both going insane and have been extremely busy at the same time. I'm tired and worn, but there have been some great things have happened.

We are officially and totally moved. Well, there is one car full left, but other than that, we're out of there! Yay!

I got to go to an Evanescence concert (MY FAVORITE BAND)! Not ONLY did I get to go , but I also got to meet them! It was really cool. I needed to get out, and that was just fun. It was an awesome show, and even though I was by myself, it rocked!

Our family is becoming a better family than we have been in a really long time. We are just grooving together better. Tis really good.

I did a face painting/tattoo booth at the school fall carnival today. It was fun and my booth made $130.00 for the school. I rock.....okay maybe not, but it was good to be a part of it while the kids ran about and played games.

I'm exhausted right now, but I wanted to check in with you guys, if there is anyone out there. Take care!

Still waiting

2006-10-18T09:57:00.000-04:00

Yep, it may be a little while before we are again connected in the web world. On top of that my email account, well the only one that I use for important emails anyways, is out of order. I'm hoping to get that fixed soon.

Please keep your prayers going for our lil family. A lot of struggles right now. Please lift up Mikah, he's going through a ton of things he doesn't understand. Thanks.

Waiting for technology

2006-10-16T11:23:00.000-04:00

We don't have internet or a home phone, due to the internet. We do have our cell, so if you need to contact us, that's the way to go. Please be praying for our family. I can't go into details, but we truly need every single prayer we can get. Thanks.

Tomorrow

2006-10-10T23:20:00.000-04:00

Wow, tomorrow we will sleep in a new place. Not all of our items are moved over, but most are and what is, is already in it's space for the most part. It bothers me to leave this area, but excites me to live close with community....and to live where God desires us to be.

I was thrilled last night. I closed the bar with Dawn, Mark, Gail, and lucy doing Karaoke. NICE! I also got my friend Angela to do Alanis Moorisette, You Oughta Know with me...IT TWAS AWESOME. Very fun times. I think I have most of the ladies at LGBC dedicated to this place. Hee hee hee, spread the addiction of karaoke :)

Mikah has a chance to be on CBS morning show with a big group of boy scouts. There's problems though that are arising for us to get him there. We will see, and let you know...oh yeah, SOMEONE better tape this for me! If it happens. Who knows. Right now we have to work out the schedule.

Kiwi's asthma is yucky right now. I'm awaiting her next dose, so we can get her to stop wheezing. It's not an emergency, but it needs to stop now. It's scary going ot bed knowing she's wheezing. I just want her to breath freely. I need to get Asa checked out for his cough. He's had a cough for quite the while. Just about as long as Kiara. Makes me wonder about him too. That's how Kiara's kind of started. She was just coughing a lot for a long period of time. Any prayers would rock.

Well, it is time to rest. Good night.

Tis the day

2006-10-07T08:20:00.000-04:00

Today we begin moving our things. We'll attempt to get out everything we don't need. The electricity doesn't get turned on until Wednesday, and it was supposed to be turned off yesterday. I'm sure we would like to live simply eventually, but nows not that time, so we wait :) . Last night I needed to get so much done, but my body wasn't letting me. I'm so tired, I haven't been getting much sleep since I knew that we were going to move. I'm excited about it, but more so about the time that will happen after the move and unpacking is done. I've promised pictures, so today I'll go over before anything is moved and get some good ones.

Last night we cleaned out the fridge and the cabinets. We have tons of cabinets, so it took us a good three and half hours to clean the kitchen. But, IT'S CLEAN :) It looks very nice.

If anyone is in the area today or Wednesday during the day that wants to help us move stuff, email us, or give us a call.

Beer at Christian Events

2006-10-04T18:52:00.000-04:00

So I was talking to this person just a tad bit about church, and he mentioned how someone asked for a beer at a church event down here, and everyone just spazzed out on that person. I just kind of scoffed at the people spazzing, and he laughed. He said, that he found it funny how people from the Indiana/Chicago area finds it weird NOT to have beer at Christian events. I guess he didn't go to my old church :)

Looking Back on the beginning days of Rants

2006-10-03T23:10:00.000-04:00

I just realized something very important to myself. Years ago when we were in our boxed church, we were trying to get some great relationships started, and tried to encourage people to meet in their homes....just stirring the pot pretty much. What I remember most is the conversation where Scott and I were talking about reaching out to people. Going where the people are, not drag them in. Go to the coffee shops, libraries, bars, and clubs. Be there where many Christians dare not go. They just seemed appalled we would mention a bar. Especially what we came out of with partying. But what this group didn't understand was our hearts cries out to those people we use to be around. We now know Jesus is the way, how are we going to shed His truthful living light if we can't real them in. I don't remember Jesus putting out bait traps or anything...He went straight up to the prostitues and lepers, where no one would dare go, and hung out and partied with these people.

"Oh, you are the most diseased person in town, come hang out with me, let me give you a hug, cause you are my brother." "Do you realize what it is that you are doing? You can get my disease!" "Oh, yeah I realize what I'm doing, I'm showing my brother how he can live with me forever in the best place imaginable." "Why would you do such a thing, what will the others think?" "Because I can't rest well if I don't try to show you how to live better. That's what family does, and if the others don't see that then I'm sad for them, because it may take them longer to realize the truth. Come, let me show you how it's done and maybe you can be the one to go to them." "But I'm afraid I will disappoint you." "My Dad, the top dog, knew you before you were born, and told me all about you....I know what you can handle." "Thank you Jesus" "Yes, and thank you, brother"

I still love those people, though with many issues we just don't agree with. Our heart flies elsewhere, and that's okay. Either way I'm very thankful for God calling me to where He wants me, and that we are in a place around people that support us with our crazy ideas. But most of all it just feels good to know that we aren't just talking about it anymore. We are finally out here doing what we've ranted and raved about for years. I pray I will always be willing.

Believe me I totally understand not going into a bar if you have an issue with alcohol, you shouldn't go where you can't handle the temptions of your strongest sins. I personally shouldn't go to gay bars. Not until I can maintain a mindset where I can control my drinking there. There's a heavy spirit in those places that hit close to home. The people I always ended up hanging out with were very fun people, and it's hard for me to say no when I've had more to drink than I should in that setting. The spirit that dwells there is convincing that getting trashed like the rest of them is the best thing for you. To drown out your sorrows of what half of the world thinks of you with intoxication. I use to be surrounded heavily with this kind of crowd when I was in my party years. But any other bar, I'm fine, I can have one drink, two at most and be fine. It's very wise to know, understand, and respect your toughest temptations. Respect I guess more your weakness for them.

Sorry, this is a bit longer than I planned it to be. Have a great evening.

Why God wants me in a bar

2006-10-02T23:40:00.000-04:00

I went out to the karaoke bar tonite. It was truly a God-mission. I didn't really realize it until I got there, and met some awesome people. I went by myself, which before arrival I was a bit nervous, but once I got there, it felt like home to just sit by strangers and start talking. I met this couple who are really great people. Little did I know that once I started talking to them, that we would have a ton of things in common! It was awesome, like the first time meeting someone, knowing you have a great friendship starting. It was my turn to go up, and they came in to be my support group on a whim. I talked with them for a bit, and got the guy to do a song too. They didn't even know karaoke was there tonight! While we were there talking I asked if she knew what henna was, she got really excited and started going on how she used to throw henna parties all of the time, but hasn't in awhile because of not many people who know about it. I did some henna on her hand while we talked some more, then she mentioned she works for a new magazine company who is just starting off here in Dallas. I asked her what she did, she said she was a fashion designer. WHAT??? This was meant to be. We exchanged numbers almost immediately. Her boyfriend also has kids my kids' ages and I mentioned a family karaoke place, and they want to come when we do it. I can't wait. I see this as a great beginning to diving into this community that gathers there. God just keeps me in awe about it all too. Hee hee.

Dry Sockets with encouragement

2006-09-28T22:13:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, but I have a feeling it's soon to end. I am in healing with my dry sockets, and no one has a cold. Yay! I should be fully healed in five to six days. I'm very much looking forward to that. Unfortuantely between my cold last week, and my pain this week, I've missed a total of 5 days on my next paycheck. Ouch. But in all honesty, I needed to take those times off. Thank God my boss is so very understanding! Any other boss would have fired me.

Good news on the horizon! I'm very encouraged about our moving situation. No reason, other than God is shining His grace on me about it and giving me faith to perservere. We have no money, no idea, but we have a target and our focus is on God about it, so it's all good!. I can't wait until this place is ours. This place is perfect in many, many ways.

To the right we have a column about our situation. We need prayers, tons of prayers. Anyone who will even take ten seconds to pray for our housing situation, please do, pass it on, put it on your prayer request at church. If God leads you to support us in any other way, great, but I'm begging for your prayers. I don't feel desparate, but encouraged to ask for all the prayers we can get. I know God will provide, it's just a matter of when, where, who, and how. Thank you friends. Much love and many blessings to you all.

yuck

2006-09-25T18:26:00.000-04:00

I am pretty sure we found our future home. And maybe for the next few years, we'll find that out very soon I think.
On the recovery note. I hurt, bad. Do you realize how hard it is to barely talk when you have three kids that just don't listen? I believe it is time to bring in the hard and cruel law. The one that puts the fear in your children the milisecond they cross the line. Anyways...more daydreaming later. Pain sucks, alot. What even sucks more than pain is the kind the you have to take heavy doses of narcotics that make you nauseated. And imagine having that with three kids. I've missed work, and I'm tired of feeling ill and in pain. Anyways, here I am, still just waiting to wake up pain free.

Hopefully next time I blog, we'll know more about our new place. :)

Blessed are those who mourn,

2006-09-23T23:54:00.000-04:00

Matt 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Some may easily confused about this passage. Why would we want to mourn? What if we have nothing to mourn for? The message on my heart about that is, we have many things to mourn. There are so many things going on in this world let alone just down the street from you. When you grieve and mourn, you allow your heart to be awkened to the reality of something painful that has or is happening. It's the acceptance to feel pain.

What do I want to do when I read this? I desire to choose a day here and there to mourn and pray for something that I haven't any choice other than to pray and mourn.

This month I choose the subject of human trafficking. Where children are sold or kidnapped into sexual slavery and abuse. Where these poor souls will be forced to hand their whole bodies over almost 40 times a day to total stranger to have what they will with them for the right price. For the parents of these individuals who don't know what has happened with their missing, or do know but still can't find their baby. For those who are killed just for getting ill from the torture their body has been forced to go through. My heart sinks for this issue. Its drowning as a matter of fact. Awareness is one thing but what else can you do? My heart feels led to prayer, a consistent prayer that can be done daily.

I read stories and true happenings, then I look at my daughter. The tears start flowing. I look over at my boys, and they just keep flowing. How can someone do this to a child or anyone?? I would be lying if I didn't say my heart filled with hatred towards people who do this. God is helping me with this, but man, in all honesty I really don't want to let go of this hate. The world has easily taught myself of revenge and how hate can bring you strength. Thankfully God knows my heart better and can sweet talk to me into His world, where only truth is told.

Kristen gave a website with a lot of information.

Sweet loving Jesus, I beg you to wrap around your children in sexual slavery. Protect them in their hearts, minds, and bodies. Set them free, oh God. Set them free. I plead for their lives and well being God. Return them to their family, let them go home. Let them find themselves in you Jesus. Let them find their freedom there. Sweet Jesus,I know your heart breaks for those in these bondages, allow their prey to feel this heart break with every breath they take God. Put your justice through each of them. Hear my prayer , Oh God, hear my cries! Set them free, and grant them your unfailing love and healing. Thank you Jesus.

The night after

2006-09-23T23:28:00.000-04:00

Ow, is about all I can say right now. I'm currently awaiting for my kick-butt pain medicine to start working. Having your teeth surgically removed is no picnic, I must say. Thank God for a community that will willingly kidnap your kids to make you rest. I missed church tonight and I'm sad for it. I get obsessive about being a part of the community. This realization is more and more everyday. It just seems as though I can never get enough. I'm not saying this is a bad hing, it just helps me realize living in a community house would be great for me. My cheeks are swollen, and part of my lower lip is bruised. I look as though somebody did a serious smacking around on my face. This is where I should say, "If you think I look bad, you should see the other person!" Nah, but hey if your children ever fall (Which they WILL) and get left with an ever-last, horrible bruising this is what you say. Its funny, to everyone. Okay anyways I wanted to check in, let ya know I'm as well as to be expected, but am recovering. Yay.

Painful Process, but hey it happens

2006-09-22T00:24:00.000-04:00

My gums are infected due to my ripping wisdom tooth that decided to pop through. It hurts, pretty bad. I was told I wouldn't be able to get them out for a month and a half due to appointment issues, yet on the same call I was put on hold for awhile and when she came back on I was able to get my consultation done today and go under the knife tomorrow. Yay GOD! Bummer! Yay! Friggin' OUCH! I can't wait to be healed already. It'll be good.

Housing stuff, well a closed door has appeared in front of us about buying, which I give praise for because too many open doors can make a person insane. We still have many closed, yet hopefully will open soon doors which lay ahead with apartments, but we're still inside the wait upon God's great beauty to shine through and keep on trusting in Him. Yes, I get discouraged, but honestly I think my mind would be numb if not due to the long, long , long searches in all areas, and slammed doors in our faces. I've been told many times what we seek doesn't exist. Hmmmm. Okay, but if by the miraculous chance it does show up, could you call me? Thanks. Click. Moving is hard, but it is time. My heart knows it and every bite I get is just another affirmation we are moving in the right direction.

Poor Scott broke his toe, and it's causing him some pain. There's unfortunately not much to do other than prop it up and ice it, take IBProfen, and don't wear certain shoes. I remember when I chipped my tail bone. I begged my mom to take me to the hospital, and when she did all they gave me was some narcotics and told me to stay off me bum. Bones breaking hurts. Please pray for his very fast healing and easing of pain and discomfort.

Man, oh man, many mnay things just appear to be changing. Its not so hot out anymore PRAISE GOD! What was He thinking making this friggin' state He called us to sooo friggin' hot!?! He's crazy, plain and simple, Brilliant, but crazy!

Went to the Massive Attack concert with Scott. That was fun! I was sicker than a dog, but still went and had fun. I can't say no to a concert, just don't have it in me.

Stage, seek, pound

2006-09-12T22:21:00.000-04:00

So my funny Honey, Scotty, decided last night to point out to me my titles in the RSS feed, and wow, I've been bitchy and depressed, huh? Well, even before that I've been trying so hard to write somethings that are positive and going, on, but in all honestly it truelly has been rough emotionally for me. I needed today, sooooooooo bad. The past week and a half Mikah's class has been going through training and practice for tonight where the whole 2nd grade did a tribute for what happened years ago on 9/11. Mikah's wonderful teacher had asked me if it was okay if Mikah read a story to the audience. I said it was okay with me, but the trick was getting him excited enough to do it happily. I told her honestly, we would do our best to encourage him, but the biggest part will come from her, because he really strives to make her happy. Suck-up, heh heh just kidding :) But seriously, if this kid is missing something or thinks he has done something wrong, he spazzes out and will work his tail off to make it right. Anyways, two days after we tell him he says he doesn't want to do it. I told him that if that was his choice he is to be the one to tell her, not me, because I think he would do well. He didn't talk about it, but his daddy talked with his teacher about how we as parents think its importnat that she doesn't let him back out of it, but try to encourage him. And boy she did! Yesterday and today he's been nervous, but excited about it, and has been practicing very hard. We couldn't arrive fast enough for him! He was so nervous but thrilled about it, it was adorable. He goes up, and I quickly call his daddy on the phone...it brought tears to me, not many, but man they wanted to flow. I realized at that moment, I can't take pride in this victory, neither can his teacher, but God truelly gave him a voice and the courage. He spoke in front of at least 60-80 people....NO JOKE! That a lot of frigging people! Plus, he did it TWICE! He had to at the last minute fill in for a kid who didn't show up, and then read a whole book to the auditorium. That's some guts man!

I'm just so blown away by him, and how much of an advantage he's got to be willing to face his fears like that. Makes me wonder what God has in store for him.

We are still on the search and in the questions of: to buy or to rent, to ghetto with community, or on our own, or wait for a miracle in our area to show up, 2 bedroom or 3 bedroom, and I'm positive God has a place, we just get to run into it.

I've been practicing on the djembe drum, that's frigging fun and addicting! I'm pounding to music I listen to and just trying to find my own beat. My hands and wrists are sore just from tonight, man I beat that thang! It felt sooooooooooo good.I'm also playing during church to get in some practice too. Thank God I'm with a group that understand the learning process!

Whatever

2006-09-09T08:52:00.000-04:00

Not so good here. Feeling heavily discouraged just about me. My memory is going weird. I look and look in the same place for things, really thinking they are there, look slowly, look fast, it's not there. But you better believe if I go to that space place, not looking for the object, just at the brink of giving up, it's there. This has happened many many many many times in the past couple of days. After it happens I really feel something is wrong. Or at least going on. My brain isn't working the way it needs to.

Asa has been a terror lately. I don't even want to go into the details right now. But man, this kid better straighten up NOW, because I have no patience or tolerance for the crap he's been doing.

I'm exhausted, I feel like a fool, I'm stressed, and I just feel pissed off right now because I'm allowing myself to feel and react this way.

You want the list??

2006-08-31T22:58:00.000-04:00

Wow, today was filled with much of letting family outside of the state know what's going on....then I realized I need to let my blog family know too. So much stuff I can ramble on, but time is crunching, so here's the list for those who haven't read my blog in awhile:

1. Started a new job and am coming up on my 2 month anniversary....and I must say this is the best job I have ever had!

2. Mikah is in 2nd grade at a local public elementary school and is loving it. His teacher always boasts about him and his reading skills. Mikah will be taking a test soon for a TAG (talented and gifted) program to see if he can get in, where he would be pulled out of class every now and then and do very imaginative things. He's also making a bunch of new friends, one I met today and he even wrote a story about Mikah for homework, how cute!

3. Kiara is in Pre-K. She lves it very much, and also is making new friends. She has a bunch of things in her class that she can play very imaginatively with. Also she is learning how to write and recognize letter sounds, shapes, and colors. She goes all day like Mikah. Her allergies have been getting bad these past couple of weeks, and when they are very bad, she gets a verey high temperature...my poor baby.

4. Asa is home with daddy.....these two boys are really enjoying each other, and getting to know each other in a whole new world. Very new and cool.

5. We are taking the steps of moving. Putting our trust in God to help us get out of this home. We have been battling with fleas and roaches for quite the while, they won't DIE and stay dead. Also there is some water damage I'm concerned about mildew or something from a flooding in the apartment next to us. It is very visible on our wall. I have noticed that about an hour after Kiara returns from school to home, her allergies seem to be worse than when she arrived. Maybe just my imagination, but that's how it appears, I'll be keeping an eye out for her.

Moving....hmmm.... We have no money and the area we want to be in is ridiculously priced, other than the place we are trying to leave. Also moving is stressful and mind crunching. But I really feel God is nudging us out, so we put in our 60 day notice to vacate and if we can't find something by september, then we'll retract the notice and hang here until tax time....we'll see what God has in store soon enough.

6. Mikah is now officially signed up for cub scouts. This is very fun and exciting stuff. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for him. Busy busy busy.

7. I signed up for a class at El Centro College today for Beginners Spanish class on Saturday mornings. This is a very wise thing for work, and I'm hoping it'll help out a lot in communicating to the ladies at work. Oy, I'm going back to school. Good thing its only one class, I think I would be ripping my hair out otherwise.

8. My wonderful father-in-law adjusted the throttle on my car or something and it has become soooo much easier to drive. I still need to practice, but it'll come to me soon enough. Please pray my body will stay cool enough with out getting heat sick. It doesn't have A/C and it gets to be 106 degrees down here.

9. Karaoke night, Monday nights at the Tippery Inn just down the road from us. So many God opportunities there.... a community is already there and I feel led to become a part of it. I see henna, karaoke, and Christ in a bar. Awesome.

10. I will be having wisdom teeth surgury as soon as I get my other teeth taken care of. This is a heavy thing because of our finances, but I believe we can hack it for awhile.

I'm sure there's something I'm forgetting, but oh well, that is all for now. Much love to you all.

hello

2006-08-30T23:37:00.000-04:00

Wow, not in the blogging season I suppose. Oh well, let me allow you to hear the majority of my excuses:

1. I have been entertaining In-Laws, which has been fun!
2. I have been trying to adapt to our new go-go-go routine with the children in school
Yeah this may take awhile.
3. I forgot
4. I have three kids, well four if you are like me and count your hubby ;)
5. EXHAUSTED in my mind
6. Depression is kicking my butt
7. oh yeah did I mention my three kids??

Much more to come...not enough time now.

Ummmmmm, yeahhhhh

2006-08-20T21:04:00.000-04:00

I'm getting the three Miller-teers ready for bed and making sure all of the school stuff is ready for tomorrow and yada yada yada. Wow, I have school kids. Or at least kid until we find out tomorrow about Kiwi. She has these little skorts that are just sooooo adorable! Mikah looks so handsome. They have to wear uniforms, if you didn't know, and man oh man, who thought that a white shirt was a good idea for part of the uniform??? I want to know. Obvious it wasn't a parent, that's for sure. Hello! Kids! Stains! Hee hee, okay, that's my venting moment about that. Other than that they look soooo cute and it's so easy finding their outfits...yay!

Game night/day was today/night. It was fun. We played Crazy 8's and Life. We have to do this regularly and get some more games too. I love playing games, so do the kids. Any ideas out there for family nights? I'm searching for something that we all can do together that would be fun and cheap. Ooooh, pictionary for kids.....Uno, dice....I think Mikah knows how to play poker, go fish, and maybe rummy. Okay enough rambling.

So to the important grown-up talk....Asa just farted, and he giggles and says, "I far-weed!" Too cool little man, too cool.

I watched V is for Vendetta last night and it was pretty good. Makes you think of what the future holds, and how it will compare.
I see it very likely, unfortunately, just because of how much media can fog reality, yet so many people take the media's word for truth.....hmmm. Just watch it...it's good for the thinking.

Update---I really am alive

2006-08-16T22:48:00.000-04:00

Wow, so much has happened, yet I have so little time to blog. Tick tock tick tock. My family came in for a week , had a blast at the waterpark and kareoke bar, as well as some fun at home with games. I miss them so much already. Asa turned 2 August 13th, YAY!! Mikah started public school this week and is LOVING IT! He's making friends and his teacher is very very nice. God definitely matched him with a good one, for sure! He's excited about doing homework and is doing very well. They are now in a review time to see how much each kid knows. Kiara possible starts Pre-K next Monday. We should find out Friday. She takes a test tomorrow to see how much she knows or something. Work is going very well, I'm happy to see Friday, but also happy to see Monday. Those days to sleep in are nice, but its also a good feeling when you have a day full of things accomplished. Let's see what else....OH YEAH! LGBC got a drum and I'm learning how to play it! Yay. I won't be as good as Joshua and Kristen, but hey, it'll bring that good feeling of their presence. Scott's parents arrive next week also, and will be here for 7 days! I'm excited about that. I truelly have been blessed with in-laws....(especially my father-in-law who can be as ornery as myself ;) I have a feeling something truelly edifying will happen while they are here. Not sure quite what that is yet...we'll soon find out. Oh yeah, I'm learning how to drive a stick shift....man that looks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier than it is. At least that first gear, man it hates me! Reverse too. I found myself praying today not to allow me to stop fully, so I can keep the car going and if I do stop let me go without killing it or screeching the tires like a nut. Yeah still working on that. Grrr. Well, that's about it for now. Just wanted to give an update. It may be a little while until I can blog again. Oh yeah....looking for a new place in the area. God has one picked out, we just got wait for Him to reveal it. Hee hee.

4 Years, Feels Like 8

2006-07-26T23:15:00.000-04:00

Today Scott and I celebrated our 4th year anniversary of marriage. I must say it feels like 8 because we have known each other for that long. We have come through a lot more than we ever planned, let alone dreamed. So many memories, so many struggles, so many times where it was so hard to push on, yet with this has been soooooo many joys, and blessings and triumphs and growth, and movement. It's been a great evening with Trinity Hall, go karts, the batting cage, Blue Goose margaritas, and great conversation. Cheers to the 5th year!

Break My Back Smoothly

2006-07-24T20:38:00.000-04:00

I feel worn, and wearily. My emotions are shot right now, and I just can keep going like this. I'm seeking something I can't find here.....I didn't know what it was before. I saught it in movies, songs, web blogs, emails, and only God knows what else. My heart is strained and my body is fed up, and I'm sure my kids are done with it. I'm throwing in the towel. I'm down on my knees and I'm finally where I need to be. Face to the floor, tears flowing, heart open. I hate it when this shoots you when you thought things were going good. Yet I love how God knows how to tear you down away from the world and lift you up in His arms. I'm in the tearing down process right now. Right now I look at myself. I'm an impatient mother that yells too much instead of listens and plays. I'm an angry person at anything and take it out on my husband and children. I yell, I'm unreasonable, I'm pathetic, a hippocrit, and just plain suck. I'm tired of my temper and my brokeness. I hate it when I realize I'm screwing up my kids.

I've been seeking something to lift my feelings up, to exercise my emotions, but I am finally realizing, God doesn't want my emotions to be exercised by the Glossy world.
I need it by servicing Him. By actually going through it and living. What sucks about this is there are somethings you just don't want to experience because it's painful and hard. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I mostly wanted to let you all know I'm taking a break. I'm hoping to be able to occupy my time where it's really needed.

There's Something In Something!

2006-07-23T15:20:00.000-04:00

Man, everyone is pregnant....this is pretty cool. Well, not everyone, but a lot of people are, or just had a baby. It's so awesome to watch, even through the web, God just sprouting his children left and right. And what's even more exciting is these children are in homes where He is at the center. Very neat stuff.

Well, Wednesday is a day to celebrate. 4 years (feels like 8) of marriage. Wow...that's pretty cool. It's so amazing what we as a couple have been through, and even more amazing what we as a family have been through. It's good to look back and see God's hands in situations where it seemed hopeless....yet here we are.

I went to the worship ending of the Tribal Awakening last night....I almost didn't go. My depression was sinking me and other things as well. But a friend talked me into going, and so I went with the older kids. It was just what I needed. To just lay all this crap down and let it go. Somethings still seem clingy, but even for that moment of time. I felt free. I crave this freedom for a permanent rest area.

Emotional=Hopeful=Refreshed

2006-07-20T21:52:00.000-04:00

I'm not too sure what I'm going to say or how, but all day long I've been feeling the need to post about something......so here we go: SOMETHING

I'm feeling a tad bit emotionally tired. I felt this way BEFORE I decided to watch some chic flick movies. Those actually really helped me let it all out. I hate crying, I always have. It makes me feel like a really horrible person, or stupid, or weak. I honestly don't really remember how this got imprinted into me, but it is. One thing I realize is that I bottle things up when I should just let it go. I'm actually better at this than I use to be, but there's still a lot of work to be done. I don't hold in anger....that's one thing..the first thing I've learned to release. But sometimes it's that deep sadness from the absolute unknown that grips me. It's frustrating, though, especially when you don't want to feel like that. When you just want that feeling of joy. The movies really helped me though. I was able to just relax and enjoy them, but also appreciate the kind of stories they told. Those stories that just pierce you and make you really think about the kind of person you are, and the kind you want to be. I'm not talking like: I want to be a superstar. I'm talking about having more patience, being kind and patient even when you just don't feel like it, and keeping your nerve when its time to do the right thing.

I desire and will always desire to become a better person. I'm thankful there's always room for improvement.

Yes, I'm writing while I'm in an emotional state, and yes I'm talking about it. Some may not like it or think it's right, but there are those who may read it and finally feel that sensation that they are not alone, and get some sense of comfort in just knowing that. But dear reader please know this, it's normally after I write this and release it, that it's gone from me, and I am refreshed. I pray it'll be the same for you after you are done reading.

Waking Up

2006-07-20T07:20:00.000-04:00

At the moment I'm waiting to go to the store, but it's almost 6 am and nothing opens until 6...so just dawdling. Everyone's asleep, I feel really tired, so I wish I was too. But then again I JUST woke up :)

It's so amazing to me what people go through in thier lives. I have heard so many 'Oh, man I hope that's not true" kind of life stories that unfortunately are true. Breaks my heart.

I guess that' where I'm at right now. Just trying to be very thankful for what I do have and for what I have experienced.

What a night

2006-07-13T23:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm not sure exactly what order, but it all happened. Poor Mikah has been on the potty for 4 1/2 hours tonight....STRAIGHT. Why??? He felt like he just really needed to pee. Pain????Nope no pain. Pressure??? Nope no pressure. Burning sensation??? Nope, no burning. Well, I asked a med student that has done a lot of pediatrics, and ER nurse who has had almost 20 years of experience, and anyone else who crosses my path. No one has a clue. The man just felt a strong urge to pee for 4 1/2 hours, yet only able to pee in little amounts. This all is very rare, and pretty much unheard of. Wow I feel as though I have said that recently.....yes I have...with Kiara with the mumps being fully vaccinated! Also while I was struggling to take care of Mikah, Asa decides to be the biggest pill ever. He's throwing toddler tantrums left and right, while I was on the phone, he got ahold of the vaseline (bad mommy, you think after two other kids I would LEARN to nail vaseline to the wall!) All over the futon, all over him. I actually had little vaseline hand prints on my futon cover! On top of that Kiara has been NEEDING to play on the computer with games she constantly needs help with. She really fails to realize the true meaning of NEED.....next Kiwi lesson...hmmm. Also while I was on the phone with someone else trying to get some cranberry in the house for Mikah, Asa throws one of his tantrums on the couch, which consists of throwing his whole body back behind him and in the process busting his head open on the hard wooden arm of the futon...no blood thankfully, but a big head ache for the little man. Oy. Oh yeah , my little princess... is ALWAYS hunger/thirsty , so she decides that everytime that Asa is screaming, and Mikah needs me that she is hungry/thirsty. So that was the bad.

Yay, it's over! Mikah right now is feeling much better, the other two are calmed down, and I'm about to crash into bed while entrusting my wonderful hubby to take care of the rugrats. Or at least I hope ;) Though tonight was hard, I'm very happy Mikah is feeling better.

Wowza

2006-07-11T22:53:00.000-04:00

I'm in a bit of a shock....let's just say that I'm glad God understands me and my actions way more than I do. As well as enough to counteract my actions before they become final decisions....Yes...God is good.

Breathing one breath at a time

2006-07-10T18:28:00.000-04:00

The past couple of days have just felt overwhelming to me. Hormonal, yes, but there's definitely a struggle going on that I'm not clear on what and why. I feel like I'm on the edge, not sure if I need to jump, stand, or turn back and retrace my steps. Boy, do I crave for some of God's fullfillment.

Work has been going really good. Though there are times when I'm just not sure if I'm doing a good job or not, but I think that's mostly my fears trying to pearce through. Somedays its really hard to talk with my boss, yet others, it seems like that's so easy.

If you desire to pray, pray for peace inside me. I'm at a loss of the feeling of ease. I feel as though I have been on the go for awhile....this may be my own doing, but a lot of the things I'm doing is important......so whatcha gonna do?

Untitled

2006-07-09T20:51:00.000-04:00

I've put up some new pictures on Flickr. They're not organized, some, well most are older. Still you gotta check it out.

Untitled

2006-07-07T23:23:00.000-04:00

Spaz, freak, bitch, horrible mother, disgusting wife, apathetic daughter, slacker, ignorant, not worthy of God, hippacrit.........

These are some of the things the enemy is trying to convince me that I am right now. And I'm struggling a tad with it being so heavy. But this is beautiful.....why??? Because I am ONLY struggling a tad. I am able to recognize these lies for what they are, and haven't wasted much time in the resistance. I use to just sink totally into it, and granted there will be days again like that, but today is beautiful, because during this time, I just crave God and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I am promised freedom from this oppression, and He will deliver.

I think all I need right now is energy...

This was my first almost full week (july 4th, no worky) and its tiring trying to adjust to that, and then come home and work on the house.....Oh yeah, I have needy kids too....hmmmm.

I want you to look at the above picture. I drew this the night of our 24 hour Prayer session. I was just drawing, and I ended up drawing this. Not with sad upset thoughts, but of overwhelming joy. So overwhelming that the tears have to flow, in order for the whole emotion for Christ and His mercy and grace can shine thoroughly. I drew this before I realized who I was drawing. On the way home from Austin I learned who this person was.....it was me. That trip to Austin changed a lot about my view of the God I follow, and it changed it for the better. I always desired to follow a God who still reveals His power today, a God that is quirky, and gets your attention.

I recently watched End of the Spear. My heart just totally opened up, and poured out. Tears were flowing. This is such a powerful movie. I can't find the words to express the emotions I went through watching this movie. I was told people have said this is the best movie they will never watch again......for myself, I disagree. I'm actually watching it again tonight.

Good night, and may God shine through you to those around you, may it be your children, or strangers.

some pics

2006-07-05T07:33:00.000-04:00

My family is so cute!

Hearing God's voice in the little things

2006-07-03T18:13:00.000-04:00

I was just watching Asa play with this light tube that has a string on the end for necklace purposes. He had both ends of the string, one in each hand, and the middle was wrapped around the chair. He kept pulling on both ends, and couldn't seem to get it unwrapped. He refused to let go of either end, yet he was getting so frustrated with not being able to free it. He finally decided to just let go of both ends. It fell onto the floor, he sat back in the chair, sighed, then smiled. He was free. All it took for him to let go of his own control.

Does this remind you of something? We want things the way we want them, yet we soooo desire to be free. God wants us to let go of that control freak inside, that desire to have to have things our way, to just let it go, and allow God's freedom to surround us lovingly.

He was frustrated, he was determined, he was despaerate, he let go. It didn't happen the way he wanted it to, but in the end it was the best way it ever could have happened.

My baby is the hairless wonder...pics coming soon.

2006-07-03T18:07:00.000-04:00

Isn't he cute?

today....it happened, is happening, and wish it would

2006-07-02T23:01:00.000-04:00

This is about the third time I have tried to blog today. I would start to write earlier , but my heart wasn't in the place that I wanted to write about. I was struggling with my mood swings, but I was mostly strugling with my surroundings. We're too cluttered here, too much stuff that doesn't have a place. It felt as though it were consuming us and our space.This is going to be my project this month. Make some shelves, buy some containers.....get this mess organized for good. Also go through everything we own, and weigh the importance of keeping it. This has to happen, and I really believe it will. Yet I still wonder if that is what was really wrong....hmmm.

On a much brighter note, the craft show I did yesterday was a great success with my henna. I did henna tattoos for a charge, offered up my skirts, wrap pants, shirt and purses I had sewn up, my candle votives, and crosses. My friend was selling her beaded jewelry. I made a decent amount. I was actually shocked. It was fun though, I haven't had much of a chance to hang out with my frinds forever and to have two days in a week where we hung out for long hours at a time, that was sooooo worth sitting in the heat. I missed my girls :)

On the kid/pain in the bum note, Mikah cut my hair as I was typing earlier, and while I was doing dishes, Asa snagged the container of rice and walked throughout the living room and dining room unnoticed, spreading rice everywhere while he munched on it. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. These kids need either some kind of device that prevents them from doing such things. Like say Mikah goes to hit his sister, but his hand isn't able to get but an inch or two from her....yeah that would be awesome. Dreams can be nice ;)

This is where its at, yo

2006-07-01T00:29:00.000-04:00

Below is info about where the craft show is. My booth will be number 40....I'm not sure if you can tell, but we'll find out. I'm excited, yet tired. It'll be a lot of fun. Come on by and get a henna tattoo!

July 1-2 & 4, 2006 - FESTIVAL - Garland: Star Spangled 4th. Let us capture your imagination, wow you with the spectacle, and create memories for a lifetime. Welcome to Garland's award-winning Star Spangled 4th celebration, a five-day extravaganza in historical downtown Garland featuring music, food, crafts, and non-stop entertainment for all ages. Don't miss our spectacular evening parade, exciting midway, arts and crafts, auto show, motorcycle show, and more. Nightly choreographed fireworks and laser and light shows. Fun exhibits and attractions. Cost: Free admission and parking. Location: Historic Downtown Garland. www.starspangledfourth.com

Kids.....the plague is lifting

2006-06-28T23:10:00.000-04:00

The kids are doing much better. Kiara hasn't complained about pain in awhile, which is awesome. Mikah and Asa practically aren't coughing anymore. Thanks for all of your prayers. I better go, Asa is being a rotten booger.

Orientation & Craft Show

2006-06-28T22:49:00.000-04:00

I went to my job orientation today, and I must say, I'm really excited about this job! I'm training to become an office manager. I'll be working 30+ hours a week, but still be home by 2:30pm. I'll have to clean about three homes just to get experience under my belt, but other than that I'll be mostly in the office. This is my first office job. I'm normally busting my bum physically, or running a cash register, or chasing after kids that think they can attempt to run the house (I still have this job).

It'll still be challenging I'm sure, but I really feel I'll like this job, and do it well. I also feel very confident that God has His hands in this job. And that just feels awesome.

I've been invited to join a friend's booth at a craft show this Saturday. I'm making purses, and decorating candle votives and also I'm making up henna kits, as well as I plan to offer my henna designer services. I also will bring what clothing items I have sewn in the past. I hope to sew up some skirts and wrap pants real quick before hand as well. I think Friday night will be a long one, for sure. But I'm really excited about it all, and hope to bring in at least enough cash for the next show they have as well as enough to cover what I paid for in supplies. That would mean that the next show will be all profit...I can deal with that. Either way this is good for me, and I hope to do this once a month or so.

Asthmatic, Croup, Bronchitis, the Mumps & a Cold that is kicking our tails

2006-06-25T13:24:00.000-04:00

I come before you all now asking for any prayers I can get for our family. We're getting struck hard with our health right now, and it seems to just keep coming. It started with Kiara, Mikah and I prayer walking when we didn't realize it was a red ozone day. It flared up Kiara's asthma and in a day or so she had a very bad cold. Mikah next got it, and was coughing so hard he was actually gasping for air at times, especially at night. I was told he had Croup. Then Asa, Scott and I all got sick with it. Asa now has bronchitis, I have migraines and sinus pain, and Scott, who can barely take cold medicine, is actually taking it out of desperation because of how horrible he feels. I took Asa and Kiara in last night to ER. I took Kiara in because right under her jawbone, she was swelling intensely, and for the past two or three days, once in awhile she would complain about neck pain. I thought she meant her throat, but when I saw the swelling I took her in. She has the mumps. This is something very contageous that she is actually vaccinated for the prevention. It normally is very mild in children, but can lead to serious problems. Also because it is very contageous, and she was vaccinated, we are concerned about the other kids and ourselves. We are already exposed, and are just really praying against this virus. I also have been getting a very itchy rash on my legs and arms that I can't figure out. Mikah and Asa, still have mosquito bites from two weeks ago that just won't go away......it feels like a friggin plague here. Our hearts are tired and worn, and we are trying to perservere through this. Please pray for our family. Thank you.

This is not my day

2006-06-23T17:55:00.000-04:00

Not doing so good today. I can't seem to change my pissy attitude. I feel aggravated and depressed, and I'm also struggling with a head cold that has migrain tendencies. (sigh)

I wish I could stop the thoughts that are going on inside my head. I wish I had the patience to deal with today. Or even the chance to sleep the rest of it away.

Asa is sounding worse and worse. I'm worried about him. I think I need to get him checked out. Babies can get scary really fast when they are sick. We'll see how he does after a steam room to help loosen up his chest.

Sickly, God Craving, Money making

2006-06-22T19:55:00.000-04:00

Man, it's rough when everyone in the house is sick. Poor Asa sounds horrible. He cries almost everytime he coughs. On top of that, Scott and I aresick, so that just makes taking care of our babes more difficult.

Well, I have a new job!!! Yay! It's from that ebay guy (if confused, read earlier post). I'M EXCITED. I really feel God's hands in this and that is just so comforting.

What is also comforting is that thought of not having to rush into something right now. To just walk into His presense knowingly and just breath it in. I'm learning a lot about living in worship for Him. With Him.

I really want to dig into the Bible fully. I crave it. I am hoping to have a some kind of regular schedule with this new job eventually, and maybe I can wake up early before work, do my prayer walking, and read scripture on a daily basis. The book of Acts is becoming very appealing to me. I think I will start there, and allow God to take me where He wants me.

My Sickos

2006-06-20T21:53:00.000-04:00

Kiara and Mikah are both sick with some horrible chest cold. Man it seems as though they were just sick, and now again. I hate that. Hopefully they'll get better soon. I hope Asa doesn't get it, but it's hard to keep it maintained. We'll see.

It's been 5 days without a cigarette :)

Just let me tell you about my day

2006-06-19T21:38:00.000-04:00

Okay, so Kiara has been having breathing issues for a couple of days, so I set up an appointment with her pediatrician today. Before I went I went to the grocery store, dropped the groceries, then I went to sort/pick up left over garage sale clothes to drop off at a ministry near-by. Well, I accidently left too late to drop off the clothes, because of the appointment...which is okay, its really close. I went straight home, picked up Kiara and the insurance sheet, then went to the appointment. Construction everywhere, horrible directions for parking. We were six minutes late, and I was sweating and hot and carrying Kiara the whole way so an attack doesn't get triggered. I get in there and they tell me in order to be seen, I need my old insurance information for the previous billing. We had canceled this insurance, so I don't keep it in my purse............and where in the world would I have put it at home???? And that's if we still have it. I asked her what she had available for tomorrow....nope, no apponitments, and none available for the next three days.

This is where I grabbed my daughter,her bag and mine, and the worthless piece of sheet I had, and left. I walked out of the door, and that's when those stupid tears started to flow. I hate to cry, this is something I just can't stand to do, but hey, I'm human and it happens, because sheet happens (thanks Kelly) I go down the elevator, walk acrossed the construction and everything to the forever far away parking lot, while carrying the princess and crying uncontrollably. I finally get to the car, put lil miss in, buckle her up, get in my side and just start the car. I sit there, still crying, really trying to stop. I just breathe...and Kiara asks me what's wrong. I told her I was tired and wished the doctor would see her.

I decided to take her into ER and at least get something for tonight, in case she really needs it. I took her, knowing that she was doing okay at that moment, and I told the doctors this, they gave us everything we needed plus more that will last a month. They treated us very good, and talked very openly with us, and even taught us a lot.

We left, feeling really good. We went to fill our prescriptions and it takes FOR-E-VER. And all it was was three inhalers and a box of medicine for the nebulizer.

I get home, hang out with my wonderful friend, who watched my boys, eat dinner, then Asa happened. Actually his bum and it's explosive devices happened. I have to chase him around and under the table. I finally lure him out from under there with a ball, his own personal addiction, then I grab him and put him on the couch. Poo-filled diapers are no fun, but they are especially no fun when you don't realize you put your hand in it, and go to scratch you face, and THAT"S HOW YOU FIND OUT! Oh My GOSH! You want to talk about a spastic mother in the bathroom....yeah that was me you heard screaming like a little girl :) SOOOOOOOOOO GROSSSSSSSSSS! Thank God for antibacterial soap.

Freedom and pictures

2006-06-18T23:08:00.000-04:00

This is my third day in a row of not smoking, and I'm doing pretty great right now. There were some hard times this morning, but we survived my moodiness. Yay God for the help and freedom!

I have new pictures up in Flickr. Go to my right side bar. :)

Happy Daddy's Day!

2006-06-18T16:58:00.000-04:00

Happy Daddy's Day you dads!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We took Scott and Paul to Six Flags with the kids today. That was very fun. It was hot, we took Asa, he had fun too. We couldn't stay too long because Kiara's asthma and Scott had to work.

On the way home was tiring until this car went to swerve out of the way of falling items as big as a car bumper......they tried to correct, but overcorrected, then overcorrected again as they were trying to fix the first overcorrection.....yuck. That could have been so much worse than it was. They are alright, and so...I take it, is everyone else. That's just some scary stuff when you are on the freeway..very scary.

Mikah dude

2006-06-18T00:05:00.000-04:00

Mikah is growing...yes he's growing physically...this we can see, but what we can hear/see/sense is his spiritual growth. Through conversations with him, you can tell that God drops His ideas and thoughts into Mikah....very cool.

My sweet Kiwi

2006-06-15T22:51:00.000-04:00

Kiara had a really bad asthma attack last night. I think I only got 3-4 hours of sleep, because of it, but that's okay, because she's okay. I'm learning that I really have to pay attention to the ozone days down here. Our good friend is also having really bad asthma right now as well.

It's so hard to watch your baby go through that. I know she's 4, but she's still my lil babe. She got scared that she was turning into a monster, because her voice and breathing was really rough and screechy. I told her that wasn't true, because she's on God's side, and He takes care of His children. I prayed over her while we were steaming the bathroom and doing breathing treatments, and when I was done, she just looked up at me with a very peaceful look, and just smiled so big. She's such a brave little girl. I hate that she has asthma, I hate it hate it hate it. Her daddy and her prayed about it this morning, and I guess she's been pretty good on breathing today. She's getting raspy right now, though. I already gave her two treatments. I'm going to have to take her to the doctor and push for a nebulizer. It'll save us some trips to the ER I think. I've been asking a lot of Dallasonians who have asthma about which helps the best during those really bad attacks, and all of them say the nebulizer does the job best. An inhaler is really good for on the go stuff.

At least she's got a really cute backpack for her inhaler stuff on the go :)

Please pray for her, she gets scared and worked up when these attacks happen. Pray for healing, bravery (for all of us), wisdom, and for less and less ozone days.We now know she shouldn't go outside when its level red...which may be a lot this summer.
Thanks.

Just me and you kid, take advantage

2006-06-14T09:00:00.000-04:00

Asa and I are the only two awake right now. I think I'm going to change his diaper and take him prayerwalking with me. It's helpful he actually walks....yeah he has for awhile, but what I mean is he NOW will walk with you and hold your hand. Before he wouldn't hold your hand. But then again I may just hurry up and put together the new stroller and take him for a walk in that...either way if there's going to be action done, we have to do it in the morning for the volcano of heat and pollution really come up around 10:30am.....hmmmm...Texas weather. I want to copmplain, but I won't because our winters here are the kind I have wanted forever. NOW DIGGING OUT YOUR CAR :)

Man if you aren't mowing your lawn, you were raking your leaves, if you were doing all of that, your care was buried in a bumload of snow. Plus that white stuff is just COLD. I'm pretty sure I'm warm blooded, so that mean my coats aren't natural.

Anyways. Off to do the do.

What a Story

2006-06-13T20:09:00.000-04:00

God is definitely throwing us one surprise after another right now. So much has changed since out trip to Austin....so much. It's beautiful...simply beautiful. We both have changed for the better, and really feel secure in God's hands.

So I had a job interview today...it wasn't planned. Let me tell you the story:

About a week or so ago I was called for a job interview for an office job at this maid service, doing customer service and whatnot. Well, this was the day after I found the independent contractor job...which isn't working out the way I thought it would, by the way. Any ways, I felt good about the freedom with the contractor job, so I called back and canceled the interview. Well, about three days after my job at the contractor job was suppose to start (but didn't) I was shaking in my boots (ok not boots, sandals, I'm not considered a full blown texan yet ;) ), so I called the man back and asked about setting up another interview with him. We set it up and I went....but not inside. It wasn't an office, but a condo, and I was taken back by it and had some fears about meeting a stranger in his home. I prayed with a friend and then tried to call him to ask him about it, but he didn't answer. I then had a rush of fear, and just decided to go home.

Well, due to our financial situation and cluttered house, I decided to put some things on ebay. On one of my auctions, a person asked me if they can just pick up the item, since they live in Dallas, I said yes. Well, that person bid on the item, and won it later. When I looked at the information on the email ebay sent me, his address and name was on it for shipping purposes. THIS WAS THAT GUY I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE INTERVIEW WITH...........yeah I know, right!

So I prayed through this and decided this is way too big of a coincidence. Keep in mind this all happened in a week and a half. So I decided I was going to be totally honest with him. I told him when we met in person and we sat down at Starbucks (where we met) and just had a very good conversation. I was honest about why I didn't go to the interview, and about everything. We talked about the job a bit and decided to set up an interview for another time. Then we talked some more and soon he asked if I was actually available at the moment for the interview to be held at the condo. I was, so we had the interview, it went extremely well, and as long as my references and criminal background checks out, then I've got the job!

Who Is Like God??

2006-06-12T08:50:00.000-04:00

Today is Mikah Dante Miller's Birthday. He has turned 7 today. There are soooo many things that have miraculously happened since his birth, because of his birth. I picked out his name before I was a believer, I thought the name sounded cool ( it still does ;) ) and Scott decided on the middle name as we walked around the labor and delivery department. Mikah (Micah) means: Who is like God?, and Dante means: Everlasting; enduring. It was because of his birth I stopped doing drugs and partying. It is because of his birth that I was willing to follow Jesus ( Jesus was my life insurance package). It is because of this birth that I am with my soulmate for eternity. And it is because of this birth that we will experience God through him on a whole new level. This boy is a big significance to me of the many ways God works. God wanted me, he wanted me also to be with Scott, in order to do all of this with one shot, he gave us Mikah. This child is really a gift from God Almighty...rock on :)

A GREAT Birthday

2006-06-11T09:25:00.000-04:00

What a FABULOUS BIRTHDAY that was!!!!! It was a day that only God could plan, with a message that could only come from Him. Both Scott and I are definitely in a huge jaw-dropping moment....yeah. There are sooo many words, so many ways of describing this day and our experience, but these escriptions couldn't come close to touching it. We feel like Neo in the Matrix when he was talking to Morpheus..."What the Oracle has told you is for you and you alone...."

So with that being said I can't tell you specifics, but I an share little tidbits.

We were going there to meet this guy we have never met, but our good friend has. I wasn't sure if it was him I needed to talk with before we even got there, but I believe it only took like ten minutes, if that, to just totally know, without a doubt, he was definitely supposed to be a part of this day.

So this man's wife the day before we came or more, found a bird's nest that had fallen from the tree. Inside were three baby birds not quite ready to fly from the nest, but you knew it was close because of the momma bird was just fluttering around in a near-by tree calling them while jumping from branch to branch. Scott and I were showed these birds and the momma before we went into his house. Inside were three people praying,talking, and totally seeking God's fullness. A message was told, a decision was made, when we were walking out of his house, the man gasped and said we had to see something. We looked in the nest the baby birds were in and ALL THREE BABIES HAD FLOWN THE NEST! There we were, 3 children of God hearing our Father's call, and after being obedient and listening, and deciding to fully go to Him, we were able to fly to Him. At least that's the message I got and it's so beautiful, I'm holding onto it. :)

This one's kind of funny. The man was giving me directions on the phone while I communicated(or at least tried to) to Scott who wrote it down. Well, there's a freeway we needed to get on called Loop 1 and I said that outloud, so Scott wrote down what he heard....which was actually LUKE 1. When it come time to reflect on the directions to use them, we looked at that. I corrected the loop/Luke 1. We get there and we all start talking, introducing ourselves, and just learning about each other. About ten minutes into it all, the man was saying how he felt really led to read LUKE 1, and he told us a quick summary of the story and boy how it totally related to Scott and I on many terms! It was absolutely amazing. But it's hilarious how God drops those little words like He was in the car with us.

One more little bit...I was explaining how I throw henna parties and what not, and the man just stopped me, to let me know henna is in the Bible. I finished my story while he searched for it. He found it in Songs of Solomon 1:13 and 4:13. That was just really awesome to know. Well, on the way home I had seen a flashing red billboard that had the word henna on it. It was a car dealership. Hmmmmmm. Made some thinking go on, but not for long. Another 10 miles I saw another billboard with the word Henna on it......yeah...that's all I'm going to say about that.

We also got to meet up with a friend of ours while down there. We had great conversations, caught up with what's going on with each other, and just ate some food. It was really nice to catch up. We had met her, along with almost everyone we hold close to our hearts, through the internet space. It was just really good to connect with her and finally meet her last year, then go camping with her and her boyfriend.

It really was a great day to start this next year of my life :)

To be a clean freak or not to be a clean freak

2006-06-10T00:26:00.000-04:00

So I have started working today for the housecleaning dealio, and it was pretty cool. House cleaning is soooooo much easier when you don't have to organize and actually pick up a gazillion things. What my job is to do is the dust, sweep, mop, vacuum, clean bathrooms, mirrors, polish furniture, clean the kitchen, and stuff like that. Thank God too, because have you ever tried cleaning someone else's house??? It's insane.. you don't know where everything is, or is meant to be, and it takes longer because of that very fact. Granted I don't have any problem helping people out in this manner, but I'm just thankful I don't have to mess with it in this job.

One of my big concerns with this job is that it hasn't been producing as much work as I had hoped so far. Shall I sit and quiver....not today. I have made up some business cards for my own little shin-dig on the side, hopefully to become to main dealio. I will offer housekeeping, dog walking and henna parties....I know I have to be unique, right? :) So if you know anyone in the Dallas area that needs any of these services, have them email me :)

So I've been curious if doing this kind of work will turn me into a clean freak...... we'll see soon enough!

Just stuff....hee hee

2006-06-08T23:06:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to prepare for this trip and there really is no way of doing that. Yeah, I can plan certain things as like when we leave, when we will meet with people and possibly where, but there's absolutely no way of preparing for what's REALLY going to happen. Not only because it is unknown, but mostly because I feel God is so wrapped around this trip in every way. It's not unnerving, but exciting. Also it's just so awesome I get to share this with my best friend, husband, and partner in crime ;)

Birthdays are happening these next 4 days. Mine is Saturday, and Mikah's is Monday. He's going to be 7 years old. Man, this is where I FEEL old. Not having myself, another birthday, but having been a mother for 7 years. Man, when I'm 37, he will be 20 :o

Okay I'll stop right there.....hee hee. I don't need a heart attack or anything!

For Mikah's birthday we hope to take him to six flags(yay for getting season passes forever ago!) and try somehow, sometime to throw him a birthday bash with the community. Too cool, huh? He's got some sonic the hedgehog plush toys coming, gifts from family, that he's going to thoroughly enjoy. Wowza!

Also I have work tomorrow! yay! I can make money, we soooooooo need right now.Thanks God!

Photos....finally :)

2006-06-08T00:22:00.000-04:00

So here it is, just a few to begin with, more coming soon. Here's my flickr account.

Enjoy!

Our Adventure coming soon

2006-06-06T13:19:00.000-04:00

Wow, (how many times have I started a post with that???) its so funny and amazing to me how God works. Within the past couple of days I have been torn and struggled humbly in His midst, and He in many, many ways has lifted me/us up from it. I feel so graciously moved by His Spirit and its thoroughly exciting.

Scott and I are taking a trip to Austin this coming Saturday (my birthday...yeah!party! okay, maybe not, but still we have an adventure) without any kids. Let me repeat that....WITHOUT KIDS!!!!! Some awesome people in our community are willing to take over the kids for the time we are there. THANKS YOU GUYS!

Its an adventure for many reasons, but mostly because we're going without knowing what's going to happen or what we are going to experience. I've felt for over a month now that I needed to take this trip...not sure why, just need to. But even set that aside we have never been to Austin and are hoping to meet up with some great people down there. Plus we have freedom to explore this city I've heard some great things about.

I'm hoping to visit the Austin House of Prayer while down there, and maybe take part in a time period... we'll see.

If any of you know a place in Austin that's cheap/free that would be fun, let us know. Thanks.

Love Has Won

2006-06-02T23:00:00.000-04:00

I found myself in deep prayer tonight...even as I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I could just say it was like God had total control of my imagination to give me comfort and peace. I still have unanswered questions, but I now have a more guided way to pray. I have to admit, prior to doing the dishes, I was distraught, holding onto anger and confusion, I just felt out of control and out of my mind. It amazes me how quickly God can change your heart if you just stop long enough to breath Him in. You don't even have to say anything, just stop thinking, stop with the purpose to come and fill you, and He does. I guess it amazes me even more how hard I make it to just allow God to come in.

(sigh)

2006-06-02T16:20:00.000-04:00

I don't feel very good today, I think my body's trying to catch a cold. I'm struggling with a lot of thoughts, and I can't quite get them straightened out...what's important and what's not...does any of it matter? Should I just stop myself from this never-ending struggle and move on? I'm not sure really, but I'm really hoping to find the answer soon. There are certain ways I want to be like, but I feel too lazy to even try them, and then by feeling lazy I kick myself in the tail. I want to be more involved with the kids, and the family as a whole, but I can't seem to find a peaceful way of going about doing this. It seems as though everytime I try, everything ends up in a hole of anger and frustration.

I thought I was supposed to start my new job today, but I guess they didn't have anything for me today. I'm supposed to call them tomorrow morning. Hopefully they have something for me then. It sucks because it starts all of these uneccessary worries and thoughts that just mess everything up other than just trying to trust God with our lives. I love God like crazy and it drives me nuts that I fall back with my trust. I think my problem today especially is that I don't feel good and with that comes a comfort-frustration all in its own. Today's a good day for praying your guts out, then stopping to listen and feel His grace.

Our Prayer Space

2006-06-01T17:06:00.000-04:00

Wow, my 24 hour prayer session is finished. That was hard, but totally worth it. During the night in the beginning was the best time to be there. We went through and annointed each space with oil, then we just started singing. All of my kids were asleep, so it was so peaceful and quiet.

What I found really awesome was that there was a small group of birds right outside that were singing all night.

We had a henna station, where you could henna yourself as you prayed. A prayer painting station where you can pray while you paint or paint your prayers out. There was a basket of scrap paper wher eyou could write out your prayers and place them on the wall, so others could pray it too. We had visuals set up all over, we even had a prayer session in the bathroom, where you can stand and look at yourself in the mirror, confess what you see and then pray to God and ask Him to reveal the truth and allow you to see it.

During the day it seemed to change, but that was okay. The older kids decided to become a part of it. Kiara prayed out loud, and Mikah wrote down some prayers. Plus they both decided to draw pictures for God and put them up on the wall. That was really neat to see.

Prayer....for..24 hours STRAIGHT??!!!!!??!!!!!!!???????

2006-05-30T10:48:00.000-04:00

Tonight at midnight begins my 24 hour prayer session thingy-do. I'm kind of nervous. I feel as though I'm going to really learn something about myself through this, and in all honesty it scares the crap out of me. Whenever God has revealed something about me to me its been life changing, or at least mind changing, which is very good to have done, but man the process can be painful sometimes.

I'm also looking forward to the space of our place being changed, not really much physically, but spiritually. Granted this is house or shall I say apartment... that belongs to God, but during this time we will not only still lift it to Him, but ask for His beautiful voice and breath to be upon it, inside it and all around it.

I'm not sure who all reads my blog, but if any of you out there want/neep some prayer, you can email me at: kiwijasmyn[at]yahoo[dot]com

Now I best get off here so I can enjoy the day with my older kidlings, better do it before my next job starts.

My handy Dandy Garage sale

2006-05-29T19:52:00.000-04:00

Yeah, sometimes I even hate it when I get spontaneous. Yesterday I decided to have a garage sale today. I gathered up a ton of stuff and set it up outside. I made $15. Yeah not worth the trouble and energy, but we as a community are hoping to have another soon in a different location so at least I have everything picked out.

You know it truelly is amazing what you can live without....especially knickknacks and decorating items.

Shaving it up

2006-05-27T22:58:00.000-04:00

The boys have mohawks.....it is awesome. They are so much cooler than I could ever be.

here's a title

2006-05-27T22:48:00.000-04:00

I'm having a tense evening....I'm not totally sure why. The kids are running around doing their usual, but I just don't think this is the main source.

I feel as though I'm running towards something God is inspiring as well as pushing for, but I'm not clear as to what this is to become, or even be similar to. Many times I've wanted to just stop pursuing this "running" to just breathe. Unfortunately if I do that I really feel I would be jumping off of the course God really desires me to pursue. I just want to give God the deal of if He lets me know, then I'll continue....yeah..right. I wanted to cancel the 24 hour prayer session coming soon... but its mostly due to the fear of not being able to accomplish what it is He desires me to get from it. He is gracious and merciful, I know this. And because of this knowledge I will press on with the running. I need His courage and encouragement, as well as the faith to press on.

I also feel as though there's something I'm not doing, that I'm supposed to be doing. I am hopeful I will find this out and begin to fill this empty cup of mine by allowing Him to do so however He desires me to go about that....if that makes sense.

Here's to running off cliffs and flying helplessly into His arms. Thanks Justin for that picture.

J-O-B

2006-05-26T22:33:00.000-04:00

I no longer work at Michael's. It is now official. I'm very happy, but also very sad. This was the first place I've liked almost everyone. But it wasn't meant to be for me and my physical/emotional capabilities/happiness.

I was offered an interview for an office job today. Working 8a-2p 30 minutes away answering phones and handling clients. I turned it down. Yeah it "looks" better than cleaning up people's homes, but I wasn't at peace with it. I wouldn't have the flexibility, or the close driving, or the options of making more money....or the flexibility, yeah I'm really won over with that one alone.

I just feel really great about the contractor job. It was very nice to be encouraged though by another interview.